The Funny Philosophers Part 26

"I command the peace! I command the peace!" cried a portly gentleman on the pavement.

"They are at close quarters," said a soldier. "It is too late to command the peace."

The belligerents in the buggy were furiously dealing blows and loudly uttering profanity, and the horse was frightened and ran off with the vehicle. Tom Seddon leaped on Bear's horse and galloped off in pursuit.

On the main road leading from the town was a company of cavalry returning from a parade. The troopers opened to the right and left, and the two doctors pa.s.sed through, furiously pommeling each other in the buggy.

"By fours, right about wheel!" shouted the captain. "Trot! Gallop!

Charge!" and away went the cavalry, clattering down the road in pursuit of the belligerent doctors! Tom Seddon brought up the rear.

On went the doctors in their war-chariot, each dealing blows at his antagonist, and shouting and swearing in utter unconsciousness of the surroundings! On rode the gallant captain at the head of his company! On galloped Tom Seddon in the rear! Over a hill and down a descent they rushed at a terrific rate! On the top of the next hill stood a toll-gate. The keeper, seeing a horse running at full speed with a vehicle, closed the gate and stopped his career. "Halt!" shouted the captain. "Halt! halt!" cried the lieutenants. And the troopers halted and sat on their panting horses, surrounding the buggy.

"Draw sabers!" shouted the captain. And every saber leaped from its scabbard.

"Surrender!" said the captain, riding up to the buggy. "In the name of the State I demand your surrender!" But Bull and Bear heard not, and heeded not. Each had grappled his antagonist by the throat, and was fiercely fighting.

"Sergeant, dismount two sections and secure the prisoners," said the captain.

Eight stalwart troopers, headed by a sergeant, leaped from their horses, and, rushing to the buggy, seized Bull and Bear by the legs and pulled them apart.

"Tie their hands behind their backs," said the captain, "or they will go at it again."

The prisoners were securely bound with cords, and each mounted behind a trooper, and were thus conducted back to the town.

"I commit you both to jail for an outrageous breach of the peace," said the magistrate, who still stood on the pavement. "Here, constable, is the commitment. Take them both to jail. Put them in separate cells, and don't let them get at one another again."

"Good heavens!" said Colonel Hazelwood, as he saw the two physicians led away in the custody of the constable, "what am I to do? I have a sick person in my house, and the only two doctors in the town have been sent to jail for fighting in the street."

"What did they quarrel about?" asked Toney.

"Why," said the colonel, "the young lady was nervous, and could not sleep; and Bull wanted to give her a decoction of hops, while Bear was of opinion that she should drink a cup of catnip-tea."

"Colonel," said the Professor, "allow me to give you some advice."

"What is that?" inquired the colonel.

"Never admit two doctors into your house, unless you desire to be the spectator of a pugilistic combat."

CHAPTER XXII.

"That was a brilliant charge of cavalry in which you so gallantly partic.i.p.ated, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, when the three friends had returned to Toney's room. "In promptness and impetuosity it will compare with Colonel May's famous charge at the battle of Resaca de la Palma."

"It was decisive," said Seddon. "Put an end to hostilities."

"And now, Toney, do not let these two doctors be instrumental in bringing the life of M. T. Pate to an abrupt termination," said the Professor.

"Two doctors are enough to bring any man's life to a termination," said Seddon. "If the walls of the jail were not solid and strong, it would be a very heavy premium which would induce me to insure the lives of their patients in Colonel Hazlewood's house."

"It is not becoming in one of the Funny Philosophers to joke on such a sad and serious subject," said the Professor. "Toney, proceed with the reading of the biography of M. T. Pate."

Toney took up the ma.n.u.script and read as follows:

"The mighty oak, whose ma.s.sive timbers entered into the construction of the magnificent steamship, was once an insignificant acorn, and the ill.u.s.trious man whose wisdom and eloquence are the admiration of the mult.i.tude was once a humble attorney practicing in the petty court of a justice of the peace. A few miles from his residence was a village where Justice Johnson held his court on every second and fourth Sat.u.r.day in each month. He had civil jurisdiction in actions of debt where the amount involved did not exceed the sum of fifty dollars; to which were superadded powers of adjudication in certain criminal causes, where the slave population were accused of sundry peccadilloes, such as nocturnal aggressions on the hen-roosts of the farmers in the neighborhood. From the decisions of the justice in civil suits there was an appeal to the county court.

"In the court of the learned and dignified Justice Johnson M. T. Pate commenced his professional career; and here he continued to practice for a number of years before he ventured upon a more extended field of action. The fees were small, but with many cases and much economy his acc.u.mulations might be considerable. And, besides, like many men of merit, he was diffident of his abilities, and dreaded to meet a trained adversary in the field of forensic controversy. He hoped that this diffidence would wear off by degrees, and that he would not be like Counselor Lamb, who said that the older he grew, the more sheepish he became----"

"Stop, Toney, stop!" said the Professor. "Do you think that a pun is allowable in the biography of a great man, which should be almost as grave and dignified in its style as the history of a great nation?"

"It is not a pun," said Toney. "It is the serious remark of a very learned lawyer. Lamb is a meek old lawyer in Mapleton, remarkable for his modesty. For many years he contented himself with a lucrative chamber practice, and never attempted to address a court or jury. But on one occasion a favorite negro servant of the lawyer was indicted for cutting off a bull's tail. Lamb undertook to defend him before a jury.

He arose with much trepidation; his voice faltered; he could not articulate a word. A profuse perspiration bathed his brow, and he took out his handkerchief and wiped his face. There was some ugly unguent on the handkerchief, and it left a black spot on his brow.

"'Look at old Lamb's face,' said a young attorney, in a loud whisper.

"'It is--lam'black!' said another.

"The twelve jurors in the box grinned. Lamb shook from head to foot. He grew desperate, and, in a loud voice, exclaimed, 'Gentlemen of the jury, the prisoner is indicted for cutting off a bull's tail. What--what----'

There was an awkward pause.

"'He was going to ask what should be done with the bull,' whispered a young limb of the law.

"'Sell him at wholesale--you can't retail him,' said another attorney, in a whisper so loud as to be distinctly audible.

"The jury were convulsed with laughter, which so increased the agitation of the advocate that he shook like an aspen, and finally dropped into his seat and covered his face with his handkerchief. The judge rapped with his gavel, and repressing the merriment which pervaded the court-room, told the counselor to proceed with his argument. But he could not utter another word. Some days afterwards as Lamb sat in his office, lamenting his infirmity to a friend, he said that the older he grew, the more sheepish he became."

"Your explanation is perfectly satisfactory," said the Professor, gravely. "Resume the reading of Pate's biography."

Toney read on:

"But even in this quiet little court he had an adversary who was a thorn in his side, often causing him great affliction, and sometimes intense agony. This adversary was a carpenter with a hooked nose and a most singular physiognomy, known by the name of Peter Piddler, and supposed to be crazy on all subjects except those appertaining to the law. On legal questions he exhibited great astuteness, and, having renounced the jack-plane and procured an odd volume of Burn's Justice, he had been practicing for some years before Justice Johnson, when M. T. Pate made his debut. The carpenter considered himself the monarch of that bar, and when his youthful antagonist entered the arena, the contest between them was watched with nearly as much interest in the little village as was the meeting of Pinkney and Webster on a more celebrated forum. Many predicted that Piddler had now met with his match, and might even have to succ.u.mb; but their vaticinations were not verified in every instance.

Extraordinary as it may seem, the carpenter usually came off victorious, and the learned attorney frequently left the court and went home deeply dejected by the humiliation of defeat.

"In that neighborhood many people still talk about those celebrated trials, where Justice Johnson presided and Piddler and Pate contended for victory. Most of these accounts are legendary, and no more reliable than are those in relation to the early efforts of the eloquent orator of the Old Dominion. One, however, we have ascertained to be strictly authentic. A stout African, a slave named Sam, and an incorrigible sinner, had been brought before Justice Johnson on the grave charge of having purloined a hen, the property of a widow lady in that vicinity.

Pate was for the defense and Piddler for the prosecution. The widow's son, a lad of twelve years, who was the princ.i.p.al witness, testified that he had set the hen, putting twenty eggs under her, which was more than she could conveniently cover. With an admonition to the patient fowl to 'spread' herself, he left her, and, climbing a cherry-tree, was eating the fruit, when he saw Sam carry off both the hen and the eggs.

The testimony was conclusive of the prisoner's guilt, and his counsel had to a.s.sail the character of the witness. But he was ably vindicated by Piddler, and the unfortunate Sam was convicted of petty larceny.

Justice Johnson, being a humane man, in pa.s.sing sentence, said, with tears in his eyes, 'Sam, it gives me great pain to order corporal punishment to be indicted on any one, but my solemn duty must be performed. The sentence of the court is, that you be taken hence to the horse-rack, and have twelve lashes laid on your bare back, and may the Lord have mercy on your soul!'

"Sam was taken to the place of execution, and having undergone his punishment with heroic fort.i.tude, was about to be released by the constable, when his counsel appeared in court and moved for a new trial.

The court ordered the officer to keep a sharp lookout on Sam, and sent for Piddler, who was celebrating his victory in a neighboring bar-room.

Pate argued his motion with much ability, and demonstrated that the hen was worth so much, and that when the twenty eggs were hatched each chicken would be worth so much, and that the aggregate would amount to a sum sufficient to const.i.tute the offense of grand larceny, over which the court had no jurisdiction. Piddler was fuddled, and failing to perceive any other weak point in his adversary's argument, contented himself with saying that he did not think that his learned brother had any right to count his chickens before they were hatched. Justice Johnson very properly rebuked him for his levity; and firmly expressing his determination to maintain the dignity of the court, finally granted a new trial. So the case was again tried and with the same result. Sam was convicted and sentenced to receive another installment of twelve lashes on his bare back. Piddler always boasted of his success in this prosecution, and said that if he was defeated on the motion for a new trial, nevertheless he had got the curly-headed rascal twenty-four lashes on his bare back instead of twelve. On the other hand, Mr. Pate, after he had acquired more experience in his profession, candidly acknowledged that the motion for a new trial was an error on his part, as it could do his client no good under the circ.u.mstances, and actually did him a deal of harm. But he said he was then young, and allowed himself to be carried away by too eager a desire for the glory of a victory over his vaunting antagonist.

"So frequently defeated before Justice Johnson, Mr. Pate had many appeals to the county court. These were usually tried by other attorneys whom he employed before the cases were called. But he was regular in his attendance, and each morning, during the terms, might be seen mounted on his favorite nag, Old Whitey, and traveling towards the metropolis of the county. Although there were many stables in the town where hay and oats could be had for hungry horses, he always fastened his steed to a tree, where the animal remained from nine o'clock in the morning until late in the afternoon, with nothing to satisfy his natural craving for food. Thus did the lawyer not only save the expense of provender, but also of whip and spur, for Whitey was always in a hurry to get home and enjoy the luxury of the abundant pastures on the farm. The tree which was thus used as a stable withered and died many years ago, having been entirely stripped of its bark by the teeth of the hungry horse. Being an object of great curiosity, it was cut down and manufactured into canes, which were in great demand and sold at extravagant prices. One of these walking-sticks was purchased by a gentleman from Louisiana, who carried it home and presented it to General Taylor; at the same time giving him a history of the lawyer and his horse. The old hero, who admired simplicity of character, was much struck with the story, and named his favorite war-horse Old Whitey. And thus did it happen that the gallant charger which carried Old Rough and Ready through the glorious battle of Buena Vista, had the honor of being named after the horse which had so often carried this distinguished lawyer with all his learning to court."

"Is that all?" said the Professor, as Toney laid aside the ma.n.u.script.

"That ends the chapter," said Toney. "And it was more than enough for Tom Seddon, for he has been asleep for the last fifteen minutes."