The Fine Lady's Airs (1709) Part 12

_Bram._ Int'rest, Madam, as much depresses true Merit, as a flutt'ring a.s.surance over pow'rs real Beauty, otherwise my Intellects might shine as much above modern Statesmen as your Ladyship's Person wou'd out sparkle Lady _Rodomont_'s.

L. _Toss._ D'you really think, Major, my Personage more complete than my Lady's?

_Bram._ Madam, there's no more comparison between Lady _Rodomont_ and your Ladyship, than between a dazling Dutchess and a _Wapping_ Head-dresser: If the surprizing Sight, and continual Idea of your Ladyship had not discompos'd my Thoughts and confounded my Politicks, the Confederates had never taken _Lisle_.

L. _Toss._ Indeed, Major, I'm very sorry for it truly [_aside_]. D'you hear, _Flimsy_, you will have me lay it on so thick; but I hope 'twill be retaken agen.

_Bram._ Is your Ladyship disaffected, then, to the Government?

L. _Toss._ The most of any body, for I have been three times at Court, and they have brought me no Chocolate.

_Bram._ 'Twas a prodigious Affront; and if you'll believe me, Madam, I'm disaffected to ev'ry kind o'thing but your Ladyship.

L. _Toss._ What if we adjourn into the Drawing-Room Major? We'll sit upon the Squabb, drink Whistlejacket, and abuse all Mankind.

_Bram._ Nature, Madam, has sufficiently expos'd all Mankind, in forming your Ladyship so far beyond 'em. [_Exeunt._

SCENE _Changes to Lady_ Rodomonts.

_Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and the_ Collonel.

L. _Rod._ _Collonel_, I sent for you to wish you Joy, I hear you're to be marry'd.

_Coll._ [_aside._] It works I find; Sir _Harry_'s Thought was admirable-- Yes, Madam, your Ladyship made such fine Encomiums on Matrimony, with so much Rhetorick, and force of Reason, that you have persuaded me into that comfortable State.

La. _Rod._ I persuade you, did I use any Arguments to persuade you to't.

[_Aside._] How he tortures me; but I'll be calm--Have I seen the Lady, _Collonel_; did she ever appear in Company; pray how is she built.

_Col._ Built as other Women are, Madam; she has her Gun-Room, her Steerage, her Fore-Castle, her Quarter-Deck, her Great-Cabbin, and her p.o.o.p; as for her good Qualities, few Women care to hear each other prais'd; but I'll tell you what Imperfections she has not: She is no proud conceited haughty Dame, that tow'rs over Mankind with an Estate; no vain Coquet, that loves a Croud of Followers, invites and smiles, that drills 'em to admire her; then basely, like a false dissembling _Crocodile_, prevaricates, and jilts their well-meant Pa.s.sion.

La. _Rod._ Hum!

_Col._ She's rich and beautiful, yet humble too, thinks herself not the _Phoenix_ o' the Age, nor seems surpriz'd, or mortify'd, to find Ladies a mult.i.tude that far excel her.

La. _Rod._ Very well.

_Col._ In short, She has Sense to know a Gentleman that offers Love sincere, whose Character maintains his just Pretensions, ought to be treated with the like Regard; and that a faithful and a tender Husband sufficiently repays the Dross of Fortune.

La. _Rod._.[_Aside._] He has drawn me to the Life, but I'll return it-- Such humble things make admirable Wives, and Women when they marry hectoring Blades, must buy their Peace with wond'rous Condescension, but when a Lady's unexception'd Graces, artless, immaculate, and universal, impow'r her to select thro' ev'ry Clime; nay, when she grasps the fickle Pow'r of Fortune, and is to raise the Man she stoops to wed, Lovers must sue on more submissive Terms; no Task's too hard when Heav'n's the Reward.

I have a Lover too, no bl.u.s.t'ring Red-Coat, that thinks at the first Onset he must plunder, bullies his Mistresses, and beats his Men; but when two Armies meet in Line of Battle, your finest _Collonels_ often prove the coolest.

_Col._ Hah!

La. _Rod._ No Libertine, who infamously vile, burlesques the happiest Order of Mankind; yet when some Hit shall probably present, can play the Courtier, to promote his Int'rest, and fondly press what his Soul starts to think on.

_Col._ [_Aside._] The Woman speaks truth, by _Jupiter_.

La. _Rod._ In short, he's humble too, so very humble, he's shockt, and startles at his high-plac'd Love: He has Wit and Breeding, Virtue, Birth and Fortune, and yet no spark of Pride appears throughout him, but when I kindle it with my Commands; nor does he serve, as 'tis his Duty only, but smiles, prepares, is eager for my Orders, and flies to the Obedience I require.

_Col._ Take him, take him. Madam, you have found the only Man to fit your purpose--I wou'dn't bate one Inch of my Prerogative for ne'er a mony'd Petticoat in _Europe_.

La. _Rod._ _Collonel_, these flirting Humours misbecome you, and lighten not, but aggravate your Baseness. A Thing how much abhorr'd must he appear, who villanously shall attempt, a Lady, propose, and solemnly pursue a Conquest, when he, long since, by strictest Oaths and Promises, has vow'd, been sworn and plighted to another.

_Col._ You but surmise, as yet I've made no Contract; you were the only Idol of my Soul, nor did I harbour the least Thought of others, 'till your Pride us'd me with such poor Contempt, 'twas not sufficient to reject my service, but you must bring a Fop to mock my Pa.s.sion, as if I had been an Animal for sport.

La. _Rod._ Suppose it true; [_Aside._] my Pride wou'd fain suppose it-- suppose I us'd you ill too, nay derided you, cou'd you not bear a Flirt from one you lov'd; had you conceiv'd a bright and lasting Flame, and not a Vapour, flashing and extinguish'd, you'd ha' born ten times more. Were I a Man, that knew my strength of Reason, had Sense to ruminate on Women's Frailties, I'd laugh at all their Spleen, despise their Vapours, and since a certain Blessing's the Reward, receive their Humours with unmov'd Philosophy; but to fly off e'er you had well propounded, to leave your Mistress 'cause she try'd your Courage, was pusillanimous, and few'll suppose Valour in Arms breeds Cowardice in Love.

_Col._ [_Aside._] She has struck me dumb, and I'm her Fool again, must tell her all, and supplicate her pardon, resign my self entirely to her Will, and trust to her to use me as she pleases----Madam----.

[_Fault'ring._

La. _Rod._ _Collonel!_

_Enter Sir_ Harry.

Sir _Har._ Ha, ha, ha, I never knew a Scene more nicely acted; to see two Lovers pet, and thwart, and wrangle, when they are just expiring for each other.

La. _Rod._ [_Aside._] Has he observ'd us too; how I'm confus'd?

Sir _Har._ But come, come, you have brought the Play to a conclusion; an Audience wou'd be tir'd to hear more on't.

_Col._ Why, really, Madam, after all, you have so pretty, so winning an Air, that o' my Conscience, I think, I cou'd marry you.

La. _Rod._ And, really, _Collonel_, you have so silly, so sneaking an Air, that o' my Conscience, you'll make an excellent Husband; but I'm afraid, _Collonel_, you are so tainted with _French_ Principles, having forag'd in that Country, you'll be for Tyranny, and arbitrary Government.

_Col._ And I'm afraid, Madam, you're so obstinate in _English_ Principles, you'll submit to no Government at all--but the Age has adjusted that matter, for marry'd People now-a-days are the quietest, best natur'd Creatures, and live together like Brother and Sister.

La. _Rod._ Nay, of marry'd Folks, a Soldier's Wife is the happiest, for half the Year you're in _Flanders_, and one an't plagu'd with you.

_Col._ And t'other half we are busie in raising Recruits, and don't much disturb you.

La. _Rod._ Positively, _Collonel_, I'll not have abundance of Children.

_Col._ As few as you please, Madam.

La. _Rod._ For to be mew'd up in a Nursery, with six dirty Boys, those diminutive Apes, of the Father's dull Species.

_Col._ And as many trolloping Girls, that are the greatest Drugs in Nature--Well, Madam, since we're come to talk of Procreation, it must be a Match; and tho' I courted you in a careless way, to please your Humour, know now, I do love thee beyond measure; thou shalt have Progeny innumerable; we'll walk to Church with our good Deeds after us; and let 'em be dull or homely, as we must suppose 'em, when they are lawfully begot, there is a Pleasure, a Tenderness in nursing Children, which none but Mothers know.

Sir _Har._ Why isn't this better now than fretting and fuming at one another; People shou'd marry first, and quarrel afterwards. Oh! here comes pretty Mrs. _Lovejoy_, and some more of the good Family.

_Enter_ Nicknack, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy.

_Nick._ Well, Madam, how does your Ladyship like the Air o' Matrimony.

La. _Rod._ Extremely well, Mr. _Nicknack_, methinks my Cousin and you make a most suitable, agreeable Couple, 'tis pity but you were marry'd in earnest.