The Fine Lady's Airs (1709) Part 11

Mr. _Lov_. I'll give you leave to hope; when I have study'd well, what Virtue is, I'll tell you more; but at present I must leave you, for I have a hundr'd and fifty Holes to mend in a lac'd Head just going to the Wash.

Sir _Har_. Not a Word o'the Secret.

Mrs. _Lov._ [_angrily_] Sir _Harry_, I'm no tattler, depend upon't; 'tis lock'd up in this Breast, safe and secure as lodg'd within your own [_aside_]. I'm ready to burst, 'till I tell it my Lady.

Sir _Har_. So she's brimful of it already.----Now _Exit_, for my Friend to humour the design. [_Exit._

_Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy.

L. _Rod_. Prithee, Cozen, what is't you mean by the _Collonel_'s going to be marry'd? You credulous Creatures, that are ignorant of the World, believe all the stuff you hear. Or suppose him going to be marry'd; why do you trouble me with such idle Stories?

Mrs. _Lov_. Nay, Madam, your Ladiship need'n't be discompos'd about the Matter, I only told it you as a piece o'news, and if it be no concern t'you, you may soon forget it.

L. _Rod_. Discompos'd, Creature! Have you had your being in my Family so long not to know nothing under the Sun's considerable enough to discompose me? But 'tis a thing impossible; it's not two Hours since he kneel'd to me, said his sole Happiness depended on my Smiles, with utmost Arguments enforc'd his Pa.s.sion, faulter'd, look'd pale, and trembl'd as he spoke it: Not that I who have had foreign Princes at my Feet, value the conqu'ring an _English_ Collonel; but I that know my Power infallible, drew him by policy to that Confession, to have him, as I wou'd have all Mankind, my Slave.

Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, Madam, affirm'd it with that unaffected Air of Truth, enjoyn'd me so strict a Secrecy in the Matter, saying, if't were discover'd his Life might be in danger; that you must pardon me, Madam, if I can't help believing it.

L. _Rod_. Cozen, you that have never been beyond _Tunbridge-Wells_, must'nt dispute with me that know the Intreagues of ev'ry Court and Country. Matches an't so easily made up, nor is it probable my slighting him, shou'd make another Lady value him; if it be true, he must have been in League with her some time, and, certainly, I shan't care to be banter'd.----But I'll know that presently;--Where are all my Fellows?

prithee, Cozen, bid one of 'em come, hither. [_Exit Mrs._ Lov.

_Enter_ Footman.

Who order'd you, you fat, heavy heel'd b.o.o.by; you are two Hours creeping to the Gate? Call another,--

_Enter another_ Footman.

Nor you you Sot, you'll loiter at ev'ry Ale-house you come to.

Send in the _Yorkshire_ Footman that's never out o'breath;----

_Enter a Third_.

This Fellow's an intollerable Fool too; d'you hear Changling, go to _Young Man's_ Coffee-house, enquire for _Collonel Blenheim_; if he's not there, run to the _Smyrna, White's, Tom's, Will's, Offendo's_, and the _Gaunt_; tell him I desire to speak with him presently; search the _Park_, the _Play house_, and all the Taverns and Gaming-houses you can think on; for, positively, if you don't find him, I'll immediately turn you off.

_Re-enter Mrs._ Lovejoy.

Mrs. _Lov_. I hope, Madam, your Ladiship's not displeas'd with me; 'tis my int'rest to oblige in ev'ry thing, where daily I receive such numerous Favours. [_Aside_]. She has the Money, and I must submit, tho' 'tis well known, I'm of a much better Family.

L. _Rod_. Excuse me, dear Cozen, and don't imagine the most finish'd Cavalier cou'd shake my firm Resolves; but when a Fellow's arrogance shall dare to proffer his unwelcome worthless Love, then villainously act the same Part elsewhere; Honour won't let me tamely acquiesce.

Mrs. _Lov._ Madam, Mr. _Nicknack_ desires the favour of kissing your Hands.

L. _Rod._ Pray admit him, Cozen, he's rich and personable, very good humour'd, and no Fool: His aspiring at me does indeed show a prodigious stock of Vanity; but 'tis a failing, People o'the best Sense are liable to, and I had rather prove a Man too ambitious than to have no spirit at all.

_Enter_ Nicknack.

Mr. _Nicknack_, I'm so us'd to you of late, methinks your absence gives me some Chagrin; where have you been this tedious long half Hour?

_Nick_. When we flung up the Cards, Madam, I went to see the two Children that grow together; I wish 'twere your Ladiship's case and mine.

L. _Rod._ We shou'd rejoice to be parted agen.

_Nick._ But has your Ladiship contemplated prodigiously o'the Matter? For really, Madam, I begin to find my self in more hast than I thought I was.

L. _Rod._ Already, Mr. _Nicknack_, you're too hasty; tho' I have this opinion of you, a Match with you requires less _pro_ and _con_ than with some others; but I fancy People look so silly when they're going to be marry'd, to see 'em walk demurely up the Church, so sheepishly consenting and asham'd; with shoals of gaping Fools, that crowd about 'em, as if a Marriage were a Miracle; prithee, Mr. _Nicknack_, that I may guess a little at the Matter for a Frollick, let my Footman marry you, and my Cozen together.

Mrs. _Lov._ Mr. _Nicknack_, and I, Madam.

_Nick._ Mrs. _Lovejoy_, and I, Madam, a very good Jest i'faith.

L. _Rod._ But you must believe, you're really marry'd, or how shall I discover the true Air of it?

_Nick._ But, Madam, is not believing what one knows to be false, somewhat like a Tradegy Actress; who while she's playing a Queen or Empress, is full as haughty, and thinks her self as great.

L. _Rod._ Oh! a strong faith often deprives People of their Senses.

_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I have frequently told monstrous Stories, 'till I ha'

believ'd 'em my self.

L. _Rod._ We'll step into the next Room, I have a Fellow too that has the best Puritanical Face you ever saw; but the Society o'the Livery has secur'd him from ever being a Saint.

[_Exeunt_

SCENE, _Lady_ Tossup's.

_Enter Lady_ Tossup, _and Mrs._ Flimsy.

_Flim._ Madam, the Major desires the Honour of kissing your Ladyship's Hands.

_L. Toss._ The Major, _Flimsy!_ What Major? Major _Bramble_; What business can the Major have with me?

_Flim._ Perhaps, Madam, he's come to pretend to your Ladyship. I have often caught him rolling his Eyes at your Ladyship, and several times o'late, he has watch'd above an Hour at the Tabernacle Door to see your Ladyship come out.

L. _Toff._ It may be so? but he's old, _Flimsy_.

_Flim._ He's not quite Fifty, Madam, and they say, He has his Health very well.

L. _Toss._ Nay, he's rich; but, I hear, he makes Love to Lady _Rodomont_; if he slights her for me, I shall receive him more candidly to be reveng'd on her for affronting me in the _Park_--Pray _Flimsy_ introduce him.

_Enter_ Bramble.

A Visit, Major, from a Person of your incessant Negotiations, and refin'd Politicks is a Grace so peculiar, that I want a.s.surance to receive it, and Capacity to acknowledge it.

_Bram._ 'Tis for my Improvement, Madam, to address a Lady whose superiour Talents so much excel those Politicks, her condescending Goodness pleases to commend in me. The great Monarch o'_France_ thinks it his int'rest on ev'ry nice point o'State to visit the greater Madam _Maintenon_.

L. _Toss._ [_aside_] Nay, I always read the Votes, and can tell what _nemine contradicente_ means. I vow the Major's Oratory is extravagantly well dress'd! I wonder, Sir, your transcending Abilities are not more taken notice of at Court! Methinks you shou'd be sent Amba.s.sadour Extraordinary to some magnanimous Prince in _Terra Incognita_; for I'm certain, you must understand more Languages than were ever heard of.