The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction Part 8

G. F. Miller, "s.e.xual selection for moral virtues," Quarterly Review of Biology Quarterly Review of Biology 82(2) (2007), 97-125. 82(2) (2007), 97-125.

M. Ridley, The Red Queen: s.e.x and the Evolution of Human Nature The Red Queen: s.e.x and the Evolution of Human Nature (New York: Harper Perennial, 2003). (New York: Harper Perennial, 2003).

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CHAPTER 6.

THE FAST TRACK: TRAINS, CARS, AND BAR STOOLS!.

"The Darwin Awards are always interesting. I sometimes wish that certain people would try to win one . . . You know who they are."

-excerpt from Fan mail

Vehicular misadventure is always a winning ticket. The following tales offer variations on a theme with squished sports cars, military men gone wild, dancing drivers, insurance fraud, and the invention of a whole new type of hybrid. Hang on to your hats . . .

Motorized Bar Stool A One-Track Mind * Poor Decision on a Major Scale * Painkiller * Mock Death * Chutes and Spills * ICanSay/ToldYouSo * Flying Door * Clap-Clap-Clap Your Hands * Cats Land on All Fours [image]

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At-Risk Survivor: Motorized Bar Stool Confirmed by Darwin Featuring vehicles, alcohol, and do-it-yourself innovation

4 MARCH 2009, NEW JERSEY The Newark Fire Department was called to a.s.sist a man who had suffered injuries from a crash-while driving a motorized bar stool! The man claimed that his lawnmower-bar-stool hybrid could reach a speedy thirty-eight mph on its five-horsepower engine, but he was traveling a sedate twenty mph when he rolled and crashed while making a turn.

Although under the speed limit, he was over the drink limit. During a police interview at the hospital, he admitted to consuming "about fifteen beers." When numbers reach the double digits, it's hard to be exact. The driver was issued a citation for operating a vehicle (cla.s.sified as "all others") while intoxicated, and driving with a suspended license-presumably the motivation behind his motorized creation.

He pleaded not guilty-demanding, in fact, a jury trial before his peers. Those of you who drive motorized bar stools and other unconventional vehicles, watch your mailbox for a jury summons.

If the twenty-eight-year-old inventor wants to drive a hybrid, he should consider modifying his bar stool to corner better-once he regains the right to operate a motorized vehicle on public roads.

Reference: Newark Advocate, The Boston Globe Newark Advocate, The Boston Globe [image]

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Reader Comments

"License to Spill."

"Hybrid vigor-or evolutionary dead end?"

"A motorized barstool will never be stable. He needs a wider wheelbase. Perhaps a motorized gurney?"

A TV news report featuring video of the motorized bar stool: www.DarwinAwards.com/book/barstool.html Darwin Award Winner: A One-Track Mind Confirmed by Darwin Featuring train versus car!

16 JULY 2008, ITALY Gerhard Z., sixty-eight, was queued at a traffic light in his Porsche Cayenne. Before one reaches the light, there is a railroad crossing, and Gerhard had not let the queue progress forward far enough before he drove onto the tracks. As you might imagine, given Murphy's Law, a train was coming. The safety bars came down, leaving the Porsche trapped.

"Was he texting?"

According to witnesses, it took the driver a while to realize he was stuck on the rails.

Finally he jumped from the car and started to run-straight toward the oncoming train, waving his arms in an attempt to save his SUV! The attempt was partly successful, in that the car received less damage than its owner, who landed thirty meters away. Attempts to revive him were unsuccessful.

Actually, one is well advised to run toward the train, so that the collision throws the car in the opposite direction away from you. In that respect, the gentleman was in the right. The caveat is that you run toward the train alongside alongside the tracks, not the tracks, not on on the tracks! the tracks!

The moral of the story? Momentum Always Wins.

Reference: l'Adige l'Adige (Italian daily paper) (Italian daily paper) [image]

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Reader Comments

"He needs better training."

"Man did that train pepper that Cayenne!"

"Cars are easier to replace than internal organs."

"A dark and twisted example of momentum and transfer of energy."

Wendy was traveling in Egypt. At night, on busy roads, the car headlights were so dim they were almost useless. It seemed so dangerous! Why were the headlights "browned out"? . . . A local guide said, "We dim the headlights to make the bulbs last longer." The bulbs last longer, but what about the occupants? Madness!"Crazy as carrying timber into the woods."-Roman idiom Darwin Award Winner: Poor Decision on a Major Scale Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness Featuring a military vehicle and a bed!

SEPTEMBER 1997, FORT POLK, LOUISIANA The 82nd Airborne Division was on its periodic training junket to Fort Polk. One of the many items stressed at briefings before a training mission of this proportion is the fact that there are many untrained people running about the area, at all times of day and night, in all kinds of vehicles, most of them large.

During the training we were reminded, when sleeping in the woods at night, be sure to sleep at the base of a large tree. be sure to sleep at the base of a large tree. Drivers may or may not be wearing night vision equipment, and may or may not be familiar with the roads, but even the most misguided driver will avoid a large tree, thus a.s.suring your own safety. Drivers may or may not be wearing night vision equipment, and may or may not be familiar with the roads, but even the most misguided driver will avoid a large tree, thus a.s.suring your own safety.

Sleep by a tree, and you will wake up in the morning.

This reminder was repeated in light of recent events.

An army major had been a.s.signed to the 82nd Airborne Division as an observer controller. One night he decided to bed down on what he deemed to be an unused old trail. Down the "unused" trail later that night a random driver drove, perhaps taking a wrong turn in the darkness, or perhaps taking a shortcut from point A to point B. Somehow this driver found himself on a road with a few "disconcerting b.u.mps" but he continued to drive on.

When the young private a.s.signed as the major's radio operator roused himself from sleep (safely at the base of a large tree a short distance from the trail) he quickly discovered the lifeless body of his charge. One poor decision took the life of the major-a man with a college degree, a commission from Congress, and years of responsibilities that included included reminding trainees to sleep away from the roads. reminding trainees to sleep away from the roads.

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He was p.r.o.nounced DRT (Dead Right There).

Reference: Galen Fisher, B Co. 3/325 [image]

Reader Comments

"Superior officer? I don't think so!"

"What happened to the sergeant who was a.s.signed to keep the major out of trouble?"

"And to think, I wanted to be promoted to Major!"

"That was certainly a major catastrophe."

Darwin Award Winner: Painkiller Confirmed by Darwin Featuring cars, drugs, and insurance

17 OCTOBER 2009, MINNESOTA On October 26, charges were dismissed against Lucas William Stenning, thirty-two, who six weeks earlier had pleaded guilty to knowingly violating registration required of a predatory offender. Charges were dismissed . . . because Lucas was dead.

In a related story, on the afternoon of October 17 in the city of Bock, an injured "hit-and-run victim" was reported. The pedestrian, found on the side of the road, died in the ambulance at the scene.

In a related story, police reported that a thirty-two-year-old man had concocted a scheme to stage an accident stage an accident in order to obtain prescription drugs. The plan was to jump out of a moving vehicle, become injured, go to the hospital, and receive narcotic painkillers. ("Dude, that's brilliant!") That plan failed when its mastermind, Lucas William Stenning, died at the scene due to head injuries. in order to obtain prescription drugs. The plan was to jump out of a moving vehicle, become injured, go to the hospital, and receive narcotic painkillers. ("Dude, that's brilliant!") That plan failed when its mastermind, Lucas William Stenning, died at the scene due to head injuries.

In other words, Lucas avoided a serious legal problem because he was deceased due to injuries he caused himself by leaping from a moving vehicle in order to obtain prescription painkillers. Ouch!

Reference: Mille Lacs Messenger, Mille Lacs County Times Mille Lacs Messenger, Mille Lacs County Times [image]

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Reader Comments

"Some people just don't realize there is is such a thing as going too far." such a thing as going too far."

"I guess 'no warrant needed' on this one."

"Sounds like one of our Lil' Darlins'."

Darwin Award Winner: Mock Death Confirmed by Darwin Featuring a vehicle and insurance

1 NOVEMBER 2009, BELGIUM Police received a desperate call from a man who had been attacked on a motorway near the town of Liege. When the policemen arrived, they found Thierry B., thirty-seven, lying dead on the ground, his body stabbed, his car burning. Witnesses had seen a big truck driving away.

But there was no evidence of fighting or struggling around the body-only the knife wounds on his shoulder and neck. Puzzled, inspectors a.n.a.lyzed Thierry's cell phone calls. He had recently reconnected with an old friend, a fact that intrigued Inspector Clouseau. I mean, Commissioner Lamoque. Childhood friend, lost sight of for ten years, back in touch? Lamoque invited the forty-two-year-old friend in for a chat about the roadside aggression.

Turns out, Thierry was aggrieved regarding insurance money he felt he was owed but was never paid, after his restaurant burned two years before. He had asked his old friend to bring him a knife and a jerrican of fuel, and leave him alone on the motorway: a man with a plan to get the insurance money one way or another.

The "victim" then set his car on fire, called the police, and stabbed himself, accidentally cutting an artery in his own neck. By the time his simulated act of violence was over, he was over too, face against the ground ten yards from his burned car. Roll credits on this little drama.

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Reference: La Derniere Heure La Derniere Heure (Belgium) (Belgium) [image]

Reader Comments

"Mock aggression mocks death."

"Faking it."

"They'll probably raise his rates."

"Objection! How do we know this was not murder or suicide by persons unknown? L. Ron Hubbard, anyone?"-Conspiracy theorist At-Risk Survivor: Chutes and Spills Unconfirmed Military Account, Suspected Urban Legend Featuring the military, parachutes, vehicles, and plenty of machismo

2003, IRAQ A group of marines obtained some surplus parachutes that had been taken out of circulation. The silk chutes were good for nothing more than providing shade in Iraq-or midsummer mischief. To begin with, the marines popped two chutes and competed to see who could run one hundred meters fastest while dragging a chute, but in short order they moved on to more daring adventures.