The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction Part 9

The most prominent idea floated was either to jump off the top of the barracks or paraglide from a truck driven along the beach. Obviously jumping off a building wasn't wise, and the long drive to the beach precluded immediate gratification. But why not deploy a canopy, like a drag-racing parachute, behind a car while driving?

With proper planning, this might have caused no more damage than a missing b.u.mper, but without proper planning it almost provided one lance corporal with a premature death. You see, in the interest of saving time, saving time, the marines attached the chute to the driver instead of the car. He buckled in, and the chute was tossed out of the sunroof of the Eclipse. the marines attached the chute to the driver instead of the car. He buckled in, and the chute was tossed out of the sunroof of the Eclipse.

The first two runs were a "failure" because the chute didn't catch enough air. After a brief reconnoiter the men held the chute open behind the Eclipse while the driver, now pumped full of adrenaline, revved the engine and popped the clutch. The stretch of road was no longer than two hundred yards, but it was the longest drive ever taken by that marine.

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The canopy quickly expanded to its fullest, the loose cords pulled taut, and the driver was lifted dramatically off his seat. He found himself suspended in the cabin with only the seat belt preventing him from being yanked through the sunroof. What with being pulled in different directions, the cord lacerations, and the fear of crashing into barriers dead ahead, he had had enough. However, in his position against the roof of the cab, he couldn't do much about the situation. The young man realized that he had a legit chance of being the next dumb marine to win a Darwin Award.

After what seemed like an eternity, he managed to stretch his limbs far enough to depress the clutch and pull the emergency brake. The car stopped suddenly-not to the sound of screeching tires, but to the sound of cracking fibergla.s.s. More on that in a moment.

With the car at rest, the marine expected to slide down to his seat and beat a hasty retreat from that death trap. Instead he remained inexplicably pressed against the roof. He struggled with the seat belt, released the five-point parachute harness, and finally slithered out of the car, breathing a prayer of grat.i.tude.

The small crowd rippled with the nervous laughter of people who had narrowly survived a runaway roller coaster. Observers had seen the parachute sway violently from side to side behind the small car. At the very instant the driver had pulled the brake, the chute had caught on a concrete Jersey barrier next to the buildings.

It was a gut-wrenching moment. If he had braked a second later, the marine would have been crushed between the opposing forces of the moving vehicle and the stationary parachute. The loud cracking fibergla.s.s noise? That was the sound of the cords compressing the sunroof and breaking the spoiler loose from the trunk.

A sailor who witnessed the stunt from the E-club came running out with an expression of disbelief. "Are you trying to get a Darwin Award, marine? Why Why did you do that?" did you do that?"

"The greatest greatest fighting force in the world, but maybe not the fighting force in the world, but maybe not the smartest smartest."

The marine answered, in the most matter-of-fact voice, "We got bored."

Reference: Anonymous TRUE OR FICt.i.tIOUS?Readers are skeptical of this scenario. They argue that if he was pinned to the roof of the car and could barely reach the clutch, then obviously his foot was off the accelerator and engine braking would have brought a standard shift vehicle to a rapid halt. Furthermore, they point out that the U.S. Marines and other branches of the military are not allowed to have personal vehicles in a war zone. It would have had to have been a military grade vehicle, not an Eclipse. There certainly are several glaring inconsistencies!WHAT DO YOU THINK?www.DarwinAwards.com/book/chute [image]

At-Risk Survivor: ICanSayIToldYouSo Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness Featuring medicine, vehicles, and machismo

JULY 2009, IOWA A doctor at the University of Iowa's oral surgery clinic relayed the almost unbelievable story of a patient he had treated in the emergency room. As you will soon find out, it took a medical miracle to prevent this man from taking home the grand prize.

The man, in his late twenties, and his wife were driving down the highway when they were involved in a one-car accident from which the wife emerged unscathed, while her husband sustained two broken legs, multiple rib fractures, a broken arm, a broken collarbone, and the worst facial trauma the fifty-five-year-old oral surgeon had ever seen. "We put his forehead back together like a puzzle, intermixing pieces of bone and metal plates."

Wondering how there could be such a fantastic difference in their injuries, Doctor decided to ask Wife a few questions.

She said that the couple had been arguing about the man's reckless habits, specifically his love for "street skating."

In an activity almost too absurd to exist, the partic.i.p.ants get a vehicle going at a good speed, sometimes up to thirty mph, open the door, hang on for dear life, and drag the soles of their feet on the pavement.

The wife began the discussion in the car that day by using her sane mind to tell her Evel Knievel-wannabe husband that he was going to get killed by willingly jumping out of, hanging onto, and dragging his feet alongside a moving vehicle. Nettled, Husband set out to prove to Wife that this activity was, in fact, not dangerous.

Traveling at sixty mph-in a car he himself was driving-he opened the door, got a good grip, and hopped out, forgetting that he was traveling at double or triple the "normal" speed for this asinine stunt. His feet immediately caught the pavement and were pulled out from under him, but he did not fall from the car quite yet. He held on long enough for the out-of-control vehicle to roll into a ditch and for him to come into face-first contact with a telephone pole, stopping the argument faster than an auctioneer could spit out, "ICanSayIToldYouSo."

Miraculously this champ will live to fight another day with a fully functional-or at least as functional as it was prior to the accident-brain, as he sustained no lasting head injury.

Reference: Anonymous

The next story features this guy's identical twin . . .

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At-Risk Survivor: Flying Door Unconfirmed Military Account Featuring the military, a vehicle, and machismo

1973, VIRGINIA When I was in the Marines, a bottom-enlisted and an NCO were required to stand twenty-four-hour watch together. One evening I showed up for duty to find the NCO, whom we'll call Todd, limping and covered with dozens of fresh scabs! He was reluctant to reveal what caused his injuries until I promised not to tell. I lived with that promise for thirty years, until now.

This NCO Todd had an NCO friend whom we'll call Dutch, and these guys would do just about anything for a laugh. The two NCOs ended up working together in the squadron truck and had an idea good for a few laughs.

Dutch was possessed of great upper body strength; he had been a Greco-Roman wrestler in high school and was still an active weight lifter. Dutch would put his elbow outside the open window, hang on to the door under his armpit, and when Todd made a left turn Dutch would open the door and swing out with the centrifugal force of the turn, riding on the door under his arm. Good fun, huh?

These two were having a few laughs with their flying door routine, all well and good, until one turn brought the open door too close to a fire hydrant. The hydrant caught the bottom corner of the door and the door rebounded, slamming shut at over thirty miles an hour and sending Dutch sailing across the vinyl bench seat and slamming into Todd with enough force to knock open the driver's door and eject him from the vehicle!

Dutch managed to recover the wheel and prevent Todd from being run down. Both men were in pain for weeks, and this being the military, both spent long hours in extra duty. After all, they were guilty of risking U.S. government property.

Reference: Carin Gleason MAD SCIENCE: PROJECT STEVECreationists try to convince the public that evolution is a "theory in crisis" by compiling lists of scientists who doubt evolution. The National Center for Science Education responded with Project Steve.8 Instead of compiling a list of ten thousand scientists who support evolution, they decided to poke fun at the nuts by compiling a list of only those scientists named "Steve" who affirm the validity of evolution. Steve was chosen in honor of the late Stephen Jay Gould, beloved evolutionary biologist. In March 2010 there were 1,138 Steves on the list! Because Steves comprise only about 1 percent of scientists, Project Steve makes the point that Instead of compiling a list of ten thousand scientists who support evolution, they decided to poke fun at the nuts by compiling a list of only those scientists named "Steve" who affirm the validity of evolution. Steve was chosen in honor of the late Stephen Jay Gould, beloved evolutionary biologist. In March 2010 there were 1,138 Steves on the list! Because Steves comprise only about 1 percent of scientists, Project Steve makes the point that scientists support evolution. scientists support evolution.

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At-Risk Survivor: Clap-Clap-Clap Your Hands Unconfirmed Personal Account Featuring a vehicle and music!

NOVEMBER 2009, POUGHKEEPSIE, NEW YORK "I was driving down the road when the car in front of me suddenly accelerated, then stopped accelerating but continued going straight as the road curved, ultimately crashing into a rail. I pulled over to help, and asked the driver what caused the crash. He told me that 'The Cha Cha Slide' was playing on the radio and he was dancing along. When the lyrics came to 'Left foot, left stomp,' he did just that, flooring the accelerator. Then the lyrics commanded, 'Freeze,' and he froze, and then, 'Everybody, clap your hands'-at which point he crashed."

Reference: Anonymous [image]

Reader Comments

"I told you that dancing was evil!"

"A nearly fatal case of the clap."

At-Risk Survivor: Cats Land on All Fours Unconfirmed Featuring work, vehicles, and gravity

8 MAY 2008, CALIFORNIA Twenty-four-year-old Andrew, an operator for a gravel company, did not intend to perform a death-defying stunt with a forty-ton construction machine. He was only trying to free a bulldozer stuck atop a fifty-foot-high pile of dirt that it had been pushing. Despite several better options, Andrew decided to pull the stuck machine backward with an old front-end Caterpillar loader.

Driving up a dirt ramp at a forty-degree angle is nerve-racking enough without doing so knowing that your vehicle's brakes are inoperable and in need of repair. The operator in question knew that when he decided to use the machine to free the 'dozer, something he should not have been doing with any any loader under loader under any any circ.u.mstance. To compound the risk, Andrew decided to improve traction by loading the Caterpillar's bucket with dirt to give it more weight. circ.u.mstance. To compound the risk, Andrew decided to improve traction by loading the Caterpillar's bucket with dirt to give it more weight.

At the top of the hill, Andrew did as he was trained: He took his foot off the throttle and hit the b.u.t.ton to engage the parking brake-forgetting that, on CAT loaders, setting the parking brake automatically puts the transmission in neutral. He unfastened his seat belt and began to exit the loader, which was imperceptibly rolling backward.

When Andrew noticed, he jumped back into the cab and hit the brake pedal, but nothing happened. The loader continued downhill.

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Beyond the edge of the property was a steep drop down to the next property. A five-foot dirt berm protected the edge so trucks would not accidentally drive off the cliff. At twenty-five mph, this berm did little to slow forty tons of rolling steel and dirt, but it did give the loader a good launching height. In a stunt that would make Evel Knievel sweat, the machine careened up the berm and launched into the air, clearing the cliff and landing on the adjacent property thirty-five feet below and fifty feet away.

Andrew was thrown through the rear windshield and onto the engine compartment. Miraculously the loader landed on all four tires, and he was able to walk away with just a few cuts and bruises. Looking back at the incident, Andrew laughs and says he proved that a CAT always lands on all fours. a CAT always lands on all fours.

Reference: Pending OSHA Report

SCIENCE INTERLUDE LEFT BEHIND: VESTIGIAL STRUCTURES.

By Stephanie Pappas

The human appendix is as active as a drowned worm. Just three or four inches long, this dead-end tube dangles off the large intestine in the lower right side of the abdomen. If you were born without one, you will likely never know. Surgically remove it, and you'll carry on eating and excreting without a hitch. Charles Darwin himself declared the thing "useless."

Vestigial structures-body parts that have lost their original function but linger on in a rudimentary form-are everywhere. One species diverges from another and no longer needs those pesky gills, extra teeth, or that third eyelid, but the developmental pathways that build those structures soldier on. Unless the vestigial bits and pieces actively harm an organism's chances for procreation, they simply stick around.

Charles Darwin himself declared the appendix "useless."

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Whale Legs, Pili, and Pinnae Vestigiality explains weird stuff like whales with leg bones under their blubber, and blind cave fish that form embryonic eyes only to have those eyes collapse and vanish before the fish hatch. We humans experience the effects of evolutionary leftovers every time we feel the p.r.i.c.kle of gooseflesh. When we're cold or scared, tiny erector pili erector pili muscles at the base of each hair follicle snap to attention, and- muscles at the base of each hair follicle snap to attention, and-BAM-goose b.u.mps. It's a nice reflex if you're a German Shepherd, but doesn't do much for h.o.m.o sapiens h.o.m.o sapiens.

The erector pili erector pili is not the only body part whose heyday has pa.s.sed. Certain small muscles in our forearms and feet are vestigial remnants of larger muscles that helped our ancestors swing on branches. Wisdom teeth are a reminder of a time when jaws were larger and teeth more likely to need replacing. Muscles around our ears helped a long-ago ancestor swivel the organs toward faint sounds, but today they're useful only for the occasional ear-wiggling party trick. is not the only body part whose heyday has pa.s.sed. Certain small muscles in our forearms and feet are vestigial remnants of larger muscles that helped our ancestors swing on branches. Wisdom teeth are a reminder of a time when jaws were larger and teeth more likely to need replacing. Muscles around our ears helped a long-ago ancestor swivel the organs toward faint sounds, but today they're useful only for the occasional ear-wiggling party trick.

Ear muscles are today useful only for party tricks.

Peer Into the Past While vestigial structures are a fine tool for evolutionary biologists trying to tease out the connections between species, if you really really want to understand our ancestry, it's best to peer into the genome itself. want to understand our ancestry, it's best to peer into the genome itself.

As it turns out, that genome is a messy place full of evolutionary leftovers.

Our DNA is a hodgepodge of mutations, recombinations, and genetic cut-and-paste. Among the remnants of this process are pseudogenes, pseudogenes, which resemble functional genes but don't code for proteins the way functional genes should. Some pseudogenes are broken pieces of genes that have since vanished-no functional versions are found. Other pseudogenes are old copies of genes that have evolved into newer, functional versions. These "backup copies" are a snapshot of what once was. which resemble functional genes but don't code for proteins the way functional genes should. Some pseudogenes are broken pieces of genes that have since vanished-no functional versions are found. Other pseudogenes are old copies of genes that have evolved into newer, functional versions. These "backup copies" are a snapshot of what once was.

Pseudogenes are fossils of old DNA that show us what once was.

Pseudogenes are a big big chunk of our genome: We have an estimated 25,000 protein-coding genes and 20,000 pseudogenes. Pseudogenes are almost as common as genes! chunk of our genome: We have an estimated 25,000 protein-coding genes and 20,000 pseudogenes. Pseudogenes are almost as common as genes!

Pseudogenes and the Blight of Scurvy Pseudogenes provide a fossil record of how the modern genome came to be. Here's an example: Most animals make their own vitamin C. Humans cannot. We have to eat vitamin C-rich food or suffer the blight of scurvy.

Scientists traced this human disease to a single pseudogene, a single pseudogene, the broken remains of a gene that once enabled our ancestors to synthesize vitamin C the broken remains of a gene that once enabled our ancestors to synthesize vitamin C. Pretty neat, huh? They found the fossil remains of the very gene that enabled our furry forefathers to synthesize vitamin C. The gene stopped working approximately 40 million years ago; since then its pseudogene fossil has been perched on chromosome 8, quietly acc.u.mulating random mutations. Pretty neat, huh? They found the fossil remains of the very gene that enabled our furry forefathers to synthesize vitamin C. The gene stopped working approximately 40 million years ago; since then its pseudogene fossil has been perched on chromosome 8, quietly acc.u.mulating random mutations.

At the time we lost the vitamin C gene, any individual that avoided vitamin C-rich foods such as citrus would die. That's what happens when natural selection is operating on a species: A large number of people without the necessary gene or attribute die before they can reproduce. All surviving animals were genetically wired (and perhaps culturally inclined) to eat juicy oranges and pineapple and tomatoes and so forth.

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Retired Pseudogene Caught Working It's not easy to be sure that a gene is inactive. Some so-called pseudogenes are actually pretty busy. Research in pond snails and mice shows that some stretches of DNA formerly labeled pseudogenes are actually transcribed into RNA that regulates their protein counterparts. One of these was discovered accidentally in the course of genetically engineering lab mice.

Researchers inserted a gene sequence into a mouse pseudogene (Makorin1-p1) intended as a control-a blank-nothing should happen. But to the scientists' surprise, the resulting babies died, for the most part. The few survivors displayed terrible deformities: Bones cells were laid out wrong, leading to weak and brittle skeletons. Multiple cysts grew on their kidneys and livers. And they had skin defects-for instance, the epithelium that covers the embryos' eyes didn't form properly, so their eyes were open in the womb.

Why was the disruption of the pseudogene so catastrophic?

Recall that a gene is a sequence of DNA, and its DNA is transcribed into many RNA copies, which are templates for building a protein. Knocking out the pseudogene is catastrophic, the researcher hypothesized, because the pseudogene is still being transcribed into RNA but the cell does not use it to build a protein. Instead, the pseudogene RNA seems to stabilize the transcription of the nearby working gene (aptly named Makorin1 Makorin1). Knocking out the stabilizing stabilizing pseudogene impairs the mouse's ability to make the pseudogene impairs the mouse's ability to make the Makorin1 Makorin1 protein. protein.

Darwin himself noted that a vestigial structure could be useless for its primary anatomical function, but retain a secondary anatomical role. Makorin1-p1 Makorin1-p1 is the broken remnant of a once-functional gene, but it is not a dead fossil. It now acts as a regulator of its more evolved offspring, is the broken remnant of a once-functional gene, but it is not a dead fossil. It now acts as a regulator of its more evolved offspring, Makorin1. Makorin1. In both mice and primates, other "pseudogenes" have been caught making RNA , and presumably some of them have similar regulatory effects. In both mice and primates, other "pseudogenes" have been caught making RNA , and presumably some of them have similar regulatory effects.

Worn Out or Working?

"Rudimentary for one, even the more important . . . perfectly efficient for the other." -Darwin The debate over what structures are actually vestigial is not new. In fact, Darwin theorized on a dozen human vestigialities, including muscles of the ear, wisdom teeth, the appendix, the tail bone, body hair, and the semilunar fold in the corner of the eye in The Descent of Man, 1871. The Descent of Man, 1871.

Twenty-two years later, anatomist Robert Wiedersheim counted 83 vestigial structures, a figure that swelled to 180 during sworn testimony at the 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial. Vestigial structures are literally "evidence" of evolution! Some of the structures on that list are still considered vestigial, like our ear wigglers. Others, like the pituitary gland, have turned out to be very useful indeed, at least if you like your endocrine system in working condition.

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Evidence of a use for something once considered worthless is always cause for excitement, even celebration, in laboratories. Remember the appendix, poster child for vestigial structures? True, it no longer does the tasks that a herbivore's appendix tackles. In koalas, for example, the organ is enormous and helps digest fibrous plant matter. But the fleshy tube may have a secondary use9 as a holding pen for beneficial bacteria. The walls of the human appendix are coated in bacterial biofilms, and when sanitation is poor, the appendix can store and protect these good bacteria through bouts of diarrhea. as a holding pen for beneficial bacteria. The walls of the human appendix are coated in bacterial biofilms, and when sanitation is poor, the appendix can store and protect these good bacteria through bouts of diarrhea.

The benefits of an appendix that stores good bacteria may be merely a happy side effect of an otherwise vestigial organ.

If the appendix, or a pseudogene, or even those silly ear-wiggling muscles turn out to be more useful than we suspected, it won't be an unprecedented discovery. Perhaps the leg bones of whales now serve as diving ballast. After all, evolution recycles. The broken bodies of former genes are ripe for reuse, and obsolete organs can be molded for new work.

As we dig deeper into answering "What does that thing do?" "What does that thing do?" we uncover not only new questions, but also elegant new chains linking us to our evolutionary heritage. we uncover not only new questions, but also elegant new chains linking us to our evolutionary heritage.