The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 99

Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud ov--thare iz more people in this world who hav changed from bad to good, than from good to bad.

In munny, interest phollows the princ.i.p.al; in morals, principle often phollows the interest.

Yu will notis one thing--the devil seldum offers tew go into partnership with a bizzy man, but yu will often see him offer tew jine the lazy man, and furnish all the kapital.

Curiosity had twins--one waz _Invenshun_ and the other waz _Stick Yure Noze Into Things_.

Love iz about the only pashun ov the heart, that i kan think ov now, that never makes enny mistakes that she kan be held accountable for. If you waz a going tew try pure love for a crime, what court would yu take her before?

I look upon the North Pole az one ov them spots, if taint never found, we shant be none ov the wuss off, and, if it iz found, we shant be none ov the better off.

I dont kno, after all, but it iz jist about az well tew git abuv yure bizzness as it iz tew hav yure bizzness git abuv yu.

"In time ov peace prepare for war." This iz the way sum familys liv all the time.

Whenever yu hear a man who alwus wants tew "bet hiz bottom dollar," yu kan make up yure mind that that iz the size ov hiz pile.

The devil iz the only individual on reckord who iz sed not tew possess a single virtew.

Thare iz nothing that a man will git so sik ov az too mutch molla.s.sis.

The vices which a man kontrakts in hiz youth, however mutch he may shake them oph, will often call on him thru life, and seek tew renew hiz acquaintance.

Prudery iz often like the chesnutt burr. It seems az tho it never would open, but by and by it duz, and lets the fruit drop out.

Every man haz hiz phollys, but thare iz this difference--in the poor man, they look like crimes, while, in the ritch man, they only appear tew be exsentricitys.

Old age inkreases us in wisdom, and also in rumatism.

I kno lots ov pholks who are pius jist bekauze they waz born so. They kant tell when they got religion, and, if they should looze it, they wouldn't kno it.

We never outgro our phollys--we only alter them.

Thare iz this difference between charity and a gift--charity c.u.ms from the heart; a gift, from the pocket.

Coquets are generally too silly to be very wicked.

Thare iz full az menny pholks in this world who hav bin ruined bi kindness az thare iz who hav bin injured bi kruelty.

When fortune pipes, we must dance. It aint alwus that she iz in tune.

I think the honesty ov men iz oftner the effekt ov policy than principle.

Thare iz only one kind ov folks who kan keep a sekret good, and they never take enny tew keep.

The man who iz wicked enuff tew be dreaded iz a safer man in community than the one who iz just virtewous enuff not to be suspekted.

Flattery iz the wust kind of lieing.

Hypockrasy iz alwus humble.

Gravity don't prove enny thing. If a man iz really wise, he dont need it, and, if he aint wize, he shouldn't hav it.

It iz jist az natral tew be born poor az it iz tew be born naked, and it iz no more disgrace.

Thare iz no excuse whatever for the insolence ov wealth; thare may possibly be for the insolence ov poverty.

Dont forget one thing, mi boy--that when five men kall yu a suckcess, and one man kalls yu a failure, that the one man's testimony iz what fetches the jury.

Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur; self-prezervashun iz the seckond.

Yu kant konvert sinners bi preaching the gospel tew them at haff price.

Enny sinner who iz anxious tew git hiz religion in that way, iz satisfied with a poor artikle.

JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS.

After a series ov unsuckcessfull wanderings thru life, i find miself this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on the left arm ov mi lovely wife, a spektator ov this wondrous jugular vein, which pours the throbbing blood ov Lake Erie into the vitals ov Lake Ontario.

I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far West, and found the place poor with visitors, it being the center ov winter, and a cold time for money.

For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife's arm az still az tho I had growed thare, and couldn't see ennything on account ov the clamor the water made; but gradually i begin tew take notes ov things, and broke out, at last, in one ov thoze posthumous remarks incidental tew the Billings family, and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here.

My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for her kamphor.

The grandur, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has been deskribed so often and so intolerably well by previous visitors who hav been blest with a college edukashun, that it would be but petty larceny for me tew git ketched at it; but i will say, az the mad liquor impetuous tumbles hed fust into the boiling kaldron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent ascends amid the roar, i thought how idle language waz, and how lazy deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the Almighty.

The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, which, i found out, waz owing tew the distance the water fell, the quant.i.ty ov the fluid, and the noise it made.

I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must have been at least three thousand square feet.

I should think that the fuss the water makes, in its hurry to fall, could be heard two hundred miles; but i didn't hav time tew stand off that distance and see if it waz acktually so.

I learned that the Falls belong now tew the United States and Great Brittain, about half-and-half; but i shouldn't wonder if, sum time, the United States would own the whole ov it.

Natur haz done the fair thing for Niagara, and man haz not been lazy.

Thare waz one thing that happened tew me, while here, that will last me for mi lifetime, and when i git through with it will do to hand down tew mi posteritys without the danger ov spiling.

The Americans had just finished a new suspension bridge, and hooked it onto the Canada side, just belo the Falls.

This bridge iz thirteen hundred feet in length, only twelve feet wide, and about two hundred and fifty feet above the water, and iz four hundred feet longer than the rail-road bridge, three miles below.

Thare had but one carriage yet crossed this bridge, and it being known that I waz connekted with the New York Weekly, every boddy waz anxious that I should go over.

I took a seat, in an elegant turnout, got up for the occasion, my wife by mi side, and driven by Darby Sherman, a noted whip and ribbon handler ov the place, we started slowly over.