The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 100

We were the second pair ov mortals who had taken the dizzy ride.

My wife grew dearer, and a good deal nearer tew me, az we progressed, and before we reached the Canada side, we were fairly one flesh.

When we had seen her magisty's soil, and safely recrost the flimsy span again, i am willing tew say i had suffered all the suspension bridge glory that i wanted.

We were welcomed on our return tew the hotel, with open arms, and two hot lemonades, with a little old rye lurking in one ov them.

I took mine without enny wry face, and whispered tew my soul, as the last swallow went reluctently down end ways, "suspension bridges may be a good risk tew take, but a hot lemonade whiskee iz better."

Thare iz one thing that Niagara don't lack, whatever may be her moral defaults in other matters, and that iz _professional guides_.

Upwards ov fifty different people waz anxious to guide me tew the strong points ov the place.

One pale faced youth, more clamorous than the rest, with pattent leather boots, which had been new at the hight of the last summer seazon, but which had bek.u.m seazon cracked and bulged severely at the roots ov each bigg toe, wanted tew guide me so mutch that i finally told him he might guide me sum if he would be keerful.

During the time this innocent youth waz in mi company he told me more than 275 original and deeply interesting lies.

He showed me whare Jim Buchanan killed the grate injun warrier, Tec.u.mser, in a hand to-hand scuffle, which lasted three hours and seven minnits, during which time hiz own grand father held the watch, and he pointed out the tree that Major Andree waz hung on, and showed me the identical house in the distance whare Robert Burnes wrote the immortal ode tew hiz Highland Mary, and also the private residence, (and banking house) ov the Hon. John Morrisey, and probably would have shown me the Plymouth rock, whare our fore-fathers landed, if I had asked him to do it.

But when i told him that John Morrisey had been dead more than fifteen years, he diskovered that i wan't so green.

He also offered tew sell me, for two dollars and fifty cents, a lock of auburn hair, from the young lady's head who past, last spring, in high water, safely over the falls, seated on the round side ov a hemlock slab, playing "A life on the ocean wave" on a base vial.

After the young man had guided me for one hour and a quarter, i paid him ten cents and dismisst him.

He looked at me, and then at the size ov the money, az tho he thought we possibly might be twins.

I told him that thare waz one thing that the Billings family waz a leetle partickular about, and that waz, in making the right change to a ded beat.

Niagara is also fraught with most ov the rare curiositys thare iz now on the face ov the earth, every boddy haz got some miracle tew sell for two dollars and fifty cents.

Yu kan git charms for a watch kee whitled out ov a rock that weighed sixty ton, and which fell four thousand feet, on the thirteenth ov last June, from table rock and waz picked up by a little boy at the water's edge, who waz fishing for pickled crabs.

It iz but a step, i hav been informed, from the sublime tew the ridikilus, and menny ov the residents at Niagara are familiar with the step.

I kant think ov enny thing more intrinsically burlesque than tew be standing in the presence ov one ov the most imposing revelations of Nature on this footstool, and while rapt in fear and admirashun, and chastened az it were by the G.o.d ov Nature, tew hav a peddling imp ov humanity sacrilegisly disturb yure adorashun by thrusting in yure face a paltry piece ov petrified deadbeatery, and with all the nonchalence and impudence ov a cold buckwheat slapjack ask yu two dollars and fifty cents for what iz wuss than offal.

In olden times the brokers and dove pedlars were hustled out ov the temple ov G.o.d, and it would be medicine tew me to see this great temple, made without hands, cleaned ov the two dollar and fifty cent vermin that infest it.

SUM VERY BLANK VERSE--THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT.

Beneath the shelvy bank ov meddo brook, Expektant lays the spekeld trout.

April showers, with blood from Genial skize, hav warmed the streamlet's Veins, and dancing on its buzzum c.u.ms sunlite and shaddo Hand in hand.

Just here the verdant willow bends, To lave its tapring fingers In the kristal flood, And fragrant spearmint scents the Creeping wind.

Close by, upon the alders highest limb Swaying, the blackbird sits, With mello thrut full ov April songs, Responsiv tew the sadder notes Of Robin red breast from yonder maple, While sollum az phuneral cortege The dusky crow beats his wing Against the swimming ski.

'Tis Spring! or from the brooklet's Gra.s.sy bank the violets would not Be stareing with their eyes ov Gentle blue, nor in the smoky air Would indistinkt be heard The thousand echo's waking, Haff dreaming, from their frozen sleep.

Sweet time! the yung year innocent.

Gentle Spring! in undress, Unconscious ov her buty, spreds Her golden tresses to the wanton wind, While buds and blossoms early Welk.u.m the lovely G.o.ddess to This throne of hers, And reddy stand, with harps soft strung, With dreamy musik, Sweet time! ov all the varied year, Most charming and oftnest sung.

Akross the meddo, Whissling a lively catch, Just az the morning sun Looks o'er the nabring hill, c.u.ms Afriks old and well-tanned son.

Old time haz bilt upon this darkey's Hed a nest ov grizzly hair hard-twisted, And shrunk hiz parchment skin Cluss fitting tew hiz bones.

A fox skin cap, innocent ov fur, Hiz hed engulphs, And well filled with holes, To let the water out that enters in; One boot he wears, oddly mated With a shoe ov anshunt daze.

From thrut to waist wide yawns Hiz coa.r.s.e and starchless shirt, And over all, loose and ragged Whips the wind, what once waz Master's Sunday koat.

Nearer az he c.u.ms, and ketches With his well sped ear the Streamlet's morning son, hiz Whissell stops, and creeps this Olden darkey, with m.u.f.fled tread, Still nearer, where swiftly runs The pearly waters, to hide Beneath the shelvy bank.

The friendly willo, tho yung with leaves, Between the early sun and dansing Waters, spreads a quivring shade, Cluss thare old Ishmahel stands.

Soon to hiz pole ov alder wood, (Almost the pole az old az Ishmels self,) He ties the horse hair line, (Himself did weave), and feeling With hiz old fingers crisp the Barbed hooks point, sure to be That dullness waz not sleeping thare, He takes (oh! nauty Ishmel!) From out a quaint old bottle, That hold perhaps a pint,

[Ill.u.s.tration]

He takes--_a drink_, Smackin his lips, and "_bressing G.o.d_,"

In menny a looped and squirming Knott he hangs the hook about, With fresh and tempting worms.

One step nearer--still one more-- Then waving in the air aloft The flexile line, and light, With hand unerring, the pole Obedient drops the struggling Worm just in the current's mouth, Whare the water fust begins its race.

Oh! art exquisitt! Oh! bliss extatic!-- (None but the Ishmahels hav lernt This art, or this bliss felt.) Down the brook's swift thrut swims The giddy worm, a fatal journey, For darting, az a streak ov silvry light From sentinal place, the Spekled gourmand burys in hiz maw The barbed deceit.

Now who kan tell, with words enuff, The thrill that follows?

I kant!

But stranger look! upon the gra.s.sy Bank, dancing in deth, and see a Two pound trout, game and butiful To the last.

All day, shaddo like, Old Ishmahel Steals up and down the stream, And when the sun hiz daily rase Haz well ni run, With basket full, and bottle empty, Dark Old Ishmahel, prowder Than a king, goes whissling back The way he c.u.m.

THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-RIGGER.

After natur had finished the fust man and the fust woman, she had a little material left at the bottom ov her cups, and not willing tew waste ennything, she mixt the two remnants together, more for a frolick than ennything else, just to see what the compound would produce.

Throwing the mixture onto the dieing coals, in a few minnitts a half-baked, comikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, before her.

This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a boquet in one hand and a looking-gla.s.s in the other, Dame Nature turned him loose into the world, to root.

The construckshun ov this creature of remnants iz peculiar.

A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed the fakt that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no cells, the interior ov it being filled with cotton batting and sawdust, and stuck awl over the outside with rosettes, and dead b.u.t.terflys, with pins through them.

Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little stalls, in each ov which waz deposited, in solution, a very small quant.i.ty ov brains, which ackted independent ov each other.

One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to tight boots, and a third to colone water.

All hiz thoughts and aff.e.c.kshuns are divided between the fit ov hiz clothes and the admirashun ov them.

Hiz ideas never grasp ennything stronger than Phalon's last sensashun in perfumery; his whole emotional natur finds its nourishment and counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris fashions, hung up in a taylor's window.

The genuine dandy--one who knows hiz bizzness--never falls in love with ennything but hiz looking-gla.s.s; hiz strongest pashun iz admirashun; he kant reach the dignity ov love.