The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 88

But we kant spare the projektors, all that we can hope for iz, that too menny ov them wont spend a whole life in making a juse harp that will play Yankee doodle backwards, and finally die, and leave the tune haff finished.

THE KONDEM PHOOL.

Thare iz two kinds ov phools, at the date ov this article, laying around loose in the world, one iz the _natral_, and the other iz the _kondem_.

Thare iz sum other kind ov phools besides these, which I shall tutch lightly before I git thru.

The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi the side ov the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds.

He haz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heavenly Father will care for him, for He cares for the koa.r.s.e weed and the rank thissell.

The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz ent.i.tled tew all the credit ov the job.

Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz her other works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like a ram in a bak lot, he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence with hiz head, and finds the stun fence too much for the ockashun.

He often haz a hed phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov beeze, they keep up sich a buzzing they bewilder him.

The kondem phool generally lacks but one thing tew make him all the the suckcess he could ask for, and that one thing iz common sense.

Common sense iz all greek tew these kind ov ph.e.l.lows, they kan often rite poetry that reads az smooth and sweet az ile and mola.s.sis mixt together, and kan even deliver lekturs all around the kuntry, but one dose ov common sense would take all the starch out ov them, and leave them az limpsey az the nek ov a ded goslin.

The kondem phool iz the kauze ov most all trubble thare iz in this world, he ain't alwus malishus, but iz alwus a phool.

I divide the populashun ov the whole world into 2 heaps, and out ov respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, i call 5 ov them wize and 5 ov them foolish.

It is verry easy tew be a kondem phool, enny boddy kan be one, and not suspekt it.

Thare iz a large invoice ov phools just now pressing upon the market, but the market for them iz stiddy, the demand alwus being phull up tew the supply.

I rekolekt ov onst saying, upon a memorabel ockashun, (i dont rekolek the ockashun now,) G.o.d bless the phools, and don't let them run out, for if it want for them, the rest ov the world would be bothered tew git a good living.

Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew introduce the following:

The "Profeshional Phool," one who travels for a living.

The "Wag Phool," one who is a phool on private ackount.

The "Bizzness Phool," one who either Bulls or Bears everything in the market.

The "Radikal Phool," one who kant help it.

The "Conservatiff Phool," one who kan help it, but wont.

The "Meek Phool," one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls to porterhous stakes, or even quales on toast.

The "Hipreshure Phool," one who, like the hornet, alwus keeps mad in advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun.

The "Silly Phool," one who thinks the whole civilized world iz in luv with him.

The "Wise Phool," one who thinks he knoze all things, and luvs everyboddy.

And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds ov phools, which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now.

THE PRECISE MAN.

The "Precise Man," sumtimes parts hiz hare in the middle, And when he duz, he kounts the hairs on each side ov hiz hed, and splits sum, if it iz necessary, tew make the thing ded even.

If he iz a marrid man, everything must be jist so--if he iz a bachelor it must be more so.

He alwus sets a hen on 12 eggs, and haz a grate horror for all odd numbers.

He gits up at jist sitch a time in the morning, and goes tew bed at jist sitch a time at night, and would as soon think ov taking a dose ov striknine for the hikcups az tew kut oph a dogs tale when the moon waz in the laste quarter.

The precise man haz but phew branes, and they are az well broke az a setter dog's, for he seldum makes a false point.

He iz a bundle of fakts and figgers, and iz az handy in the naberhood az a pair ov platform skales or a reddy rekoner.

He iz invariably an honest man, but often az mutch from pride az from principle.

He luvs hiz children, if he haz any, and would rather hav them perfekt in the multiplikashun table than in the Illiad ov Homer.

Hiz wife iz soon broke tew akt and think az he duz, and she iz known fur and near for the excellence ov her softe sope.

The laste thing he alwus duz Sat.u.r.day night iz tew grease hiz boots, and the fust thing Sunday morning iz tew wind up the old wodden klok in the kitchen.

He iz generally respekted during life, and after he iz ded and gone hiz children keep his fame fresh by pointing out with pride the korner whare his kane alwus stood and peg whare his hat alwus hung.

INDIVIDUAL FOLKS.

THE OBTUSE MAN.

The obtuse man iz sawed off square at both ends, and iron bound like a beetle.

He finds out the hard spot in things by running aginst them, and like the merino ram, shuts up both eyes when he b.u.t.ts.

It iz az hard tew git an idee into him az it iz tew git a wedge into a pepperidge log.

He alwus sez "_Yes_" to what he don't understand, and iz az hard tew argy out ov a conceit az a dog iz out ov a bone.

He often sets himself up for a wise man, and sumtimes a wit, but i never knu one tew think he waz a bore.

He goes thru life hed fust, and when he c.u.ms tew die he iz az well seasoned az a foot-ball.