The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 87

But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a mad dogg, it may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its viktim, very well behaved pizen, watching for a good time, but sooner or later, when least expekted, the virus begins tew play dorg by a.s.serting its dredful prerogative.

It don't cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they waz rats, which we could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but letting them go only makes them the more cunning.

Deception iz one ov the sciences, it haz its deakons, elders and hod carriers, the world swarms with them, all ov the pimps among them, such az the wodden nutmeg makers, and the small beer-cheats, we kan punish enuff by dispising, but what reward, short ov the gibbet, or at least the whipping post, iz equal tew the villainous cuss who creeps on hiz body into yure confidense, a subdued and shivering snake, and warms up into a viper.

Ingrat.i.tude iz one ov them diabolikal crimes that awl men hate, but leave the punishment to heaven.

The _Domestik Man_ iz ov a maskuline and feminine tendency--half and half--and sumtimes more so.

He kan most generally be found at home--when he aint wanted.

He iz a kind ov second lutennant in hiz family, under haff pay, with promiss of promoshun.

He kan beat hiz wife bileing soap, or nussing the baby, and she kan beat him, in the 4th ward, running for perlice constabel.

He iz alwus reddy tew do ennything--when hiz wife iz.

He iz a kind ov spy in the household, and iz treated az such by the whole family. The servants laff at him, and the children dont fear him.

He iz az fierce as an old hen setting on one egg, and just about az dangerous.

Hiz wife marrid him, not out ov love, but out ov pitty; and pitty never changes into respekt, but gennerally into disgust.

_The Generous Man._--Generosity iz an instinkt--a kind ov natral crook--a weird child ov the heart.

It iz diffrent from profusion; profusion iz most alwus the decoy duck ov vanity.

Generosity iz diffrent from charity; charity iz the impulse ov reason.

It iz diffrent from justiss--justiss iz 16 ounces tew the pound, and no more.

Generosity iz sumthing more than justiss, and sumthing less than profusion; it iz the good a man duz, without being able tew give enny reazon for it.

If a man iz alwus genrous he will alwus be right, or will hav a good excuse for what seems tew be wrong.

Generosity iz bravery, and it iz truth: no one ever saw a generous man who waz a coward or a liar.

Generosity sumtimes may lack prudence, but it never lacks faith, and faith haz won holier laurels than prudence ever did.

The generous man chastens hiz gifts with the a.s.surance that the giver iz az happy in the gift az the receiver iz.

He takes the fust swaller out ov the dipper, and smacking hiz lips, insists upon your drinking the balance awl up.

Poverty haz no power over generosity enny more than it haz over love.

This iz my idee ov the kind ov generosity that I am writing about.

FREQUENT KRITTERS.

THE LOAFER.

The loafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dispized just for the privilege ov abuzing others.

He occupys all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the bench klean doun to the ragged thing in britches who leans aginst a lamp-post and fites flys in August.

[Ill.u.s.tration: FREQUENT KRITTERS.]

He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koa.r.s.e jests are re-echoed, and whare to be in hiz konfidence iz konsidered an honor.

He iz not alwus dest.i.tute ov kommon sense, and quite often iz the author ov jests which pa.s.s upon the unwary for humor and even wit.

He haz no pride that is worthy, and haz no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt.

During hiz boyhood he kills kats and sells their hides to the hatters, and robs all the hens' nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood.

During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else's expense.

During hiz old age he winters in the alms-houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he comes tew die he iz buried in a dich, like an omnibus hoss, with hiz old shoes on.

This iz a trew ackount ov the life and adventures ov the ordinary loafer, and yet there are thousands ov human kritters coming onto the platform ov life every six months whoze only ambishun iz to be successful loafers.

The loafer kares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make any man a loafer.

The loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git without digging.

THE PROJEKTOR.

The projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often like a paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew hatch out, and when it iz hatched out, yu kan't alwus tell what kind ov a breed the thing iz.

He haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years trieing tew bild perpetual moshun, and haz c.u.m within 3 quarters ov an inch ov it sevral times, but alwus slips up jist az he reaches out tew grab it.

He haz dun sum dredful good things for mankind, but too often iz ov no more use in the world, than an extra pump iz.

The projektor iz alwus a man ov genius, but hiz genius iz frequently like the genius ov a goose, thare ain't no one kan beat them at standing on one legg.

I hav known theze breed ov pholks tew drag out a long life, richer in their own estimashun than Crsus, and poorer in the opinyun ov others than Lazarus.

They seldum reap enny gain from their invenshuns, and if ever they do diskover perpetual moshun, they will sell the principle tew sum kunning kuss, for 17 or 18 dollars, and starve tew death on the glory ov it.

I hav known several ov these poor ph.e.l.lows in mi life, and only knew them tew pitty them, for they are az tender, all over, az spring lam, and az eazy tew cheat az a blind baby.

I hav a friend who iz a projektor. I kant tell what partikular pholly he iz at work at now, but sum one I am sure, for thare aint on the whole arth, a more bizzy kritter than the man, who iz sure that to-morrow will put the finishing touches tew hiz pattent rite plan, for threading the rong end ov a kambrik needle, or his resipee for making soft sope out ov calfs liver.