The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 27

And here let me say, for the comfort and consolashun ov all mothers, that whenever they see me on the cars or on the steambote, out ov a job they needn't hesitate a minnit tew drop a clean, fat baby into mi lap; i will hold it, and kiss it, and be thankful besides.

Perhaps thare iz people who don't envy me all this, but it iz one ov the sharp-cut, well-defined joys ov mi life, mi love for babys and their love for me.

Perhaps thare iz people who will call it a weakness, i don't care what they call it, bring on the babys. Unkle Josh haz always a kind word and a kiss for the babys.

I love babys for the truth thare iz in them, i aint afraid their kiss will betray me, their iz no frauds, ded beats nor counterfits among them.

I wish i was a baby (not only once more) but forever-more.

"THE CRAB."

Natur is fond ov a joke.

She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft sh.e.l.l crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.

They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one.

They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think so tew stand and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw.

They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a gra.s.shopper's leggs. It is considered a good day's work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.

ESSA ON SWINE.

Hogs generally are quadriped.

The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since.

There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain't mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.

Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.

Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don't ask enny foolish questions.

They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them.

Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.

Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab.

Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.

They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.

They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt.

The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare ain't enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should.

Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.

THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.

The cat, iz called a domestik animile,--but i never hav bin able tew tell wharefore.

You kant trust one, enney more than yu kan a case ov the gout. Thare iz only one mortal thing, that yu kan trust a cat with, and c.u.m out even, and that iz, a bar ov hard sope.

They are az meak as Mosiss, but az full ov develtry az Judus Iskaratt.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.]

They will harvest a dozen ov yung chickens for yu, and then steal into the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, and lay themselfs down on the rug, at yure feet, full ov injured innocence, and chicken, and dream ov their childhood days.

All thare iz, sure about a cat, that iz domestik, that i kno ov, iz, that yu kant looze one.

You kant looze a cat,--they are az hard to looze, az a bad reputashun iz.

You may send one out ov the state, dun up in a meal bag, and marked, "C.

O. D.," and the next morning yu will find him, or her, (accordin tew s.e.x) in the same old spot, along side ov the kitchen stove, reddy tew be stepped on.

Cats hav got two good ears for melody, and often make the night atmosphear melodious, with their opera musik.

But the most wonderful thing, about a cat, that haz bin diskovered yet, iz their fear ov death.

Yu kant induce one, by enny ordinary means, to accept ov death,--they aktually skorn tew die.

You may kill one, az much az yu hav a mind to, and they will begin life anew, in a few minnitts, with a more flattering prospektus.

Dogs i love, they carry their kridenshuls in their faces, and kant hide them, but the bulk ov cats reputashun lays buried in their stumuk, az unknown tew themselfs, az tew enny boddy else.

Thare iz only one thing, about, that i like, and that iz, they are verry cheap,--a little money,--well invested,--will go a grate ways, in cats.

Cats are very plenty in this world, just now, i counted 18 from my boarding house winder, one moon lite night, last summer, and it want a fust rate night for cats neither.

The Kangaroo is an overgrown monkey. They are fello-citizens ov Afrika, and spend most ov their lezzure moments on foot. They hav four legs, but their fore legs aint ov mutch use to them; they do most ov their acktual bizzness with their hind legs. They travel a good deal az a frog duz--on the jump.

Kangarooes are verry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz the plase for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika had been planted with Kangaroos, and none ov it with other peeple, it would hav been full as good a crop to know what to do with.