The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 26

I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this.

"THE CLAM."

The clam iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water.

He iz born az the birds are, but don't c.u.m out ov his sh.e.l.l. He iz deserted by his parents at a young and tender age, but don't bek.u.m clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew c.u.m along.

Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold and clammy, but he must hav a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time.

Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much t.i.teness, and their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.

Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam's time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov.

SNAILS, SNAIKS, AND BABYS.

The slowest gaited animal on the face ov the earth iz the snail.

They are one ov the phew who take their house with them, when they go away from home.

Snails are sed tew be delikate eating, but if i kan hav all the hash i want, i will try and struggle along without any snail. You kant phool me with hash, I kno how that iz made, but i don't kno how snail are put together. Ignorance iz sed tew be bliss, and i hav often thought that it waz, and if i don't never kno how snails taste, i don't think now i shall repent ov it.

It haz always been a source ov mutch doubt with me, in mi hours ov contemplashun, which waz made fust, the snail or hiz sh.e.l.l, but if i don't know even this, i don't mean tew git mad about it.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

I hav grate phaith in enny job that natur turns out, and i had rather hav phaith than knowledge, it saves a grate deal ov hard work. It costs a grate deal to kno all about things, and then yu ain't certain, but phaith iz cheap, and don't make enny blunders.

Science iz smart, but she kant tell yu what makes the flowers blush so menny different colors, but phaith can. Science on a deth bed iz a pigmy, but phaith iz a giant.

STRIPED SNAKE.

The striped snake iz one ov the slipperyest jobs that natur ever turned loose.

They travel on the lower side ov themselfs, and kan slip out ov sight like blowing out a kandle. They were made for sum good purpose, but i never hav bin informed for what, unless it waz tew hav their heds smashed.

They are sed tew be innocent, but they hav got a bad reputashun, and all the innocence in the world won't kure a bad reputashun.

They liv in the gra.s.s but seldom git stept on, bekauze they don't stay long enuff in the right place.

When i waz a little boy, and wore naked feet, and waz loafing around loose for strawberrys, i waz often times just a going tew step on a striped snaik, but it alwus cured me ov strawberrys.

If a striped snaik got into a 10-aker lot before i did, i alwus konsidered that all the strawberrys in that lot belonged tew the snaik.

"Fust c.u.m, fust sarve," was mi motto.

I am just az fraid ov snaiks now az i waz 40 years ago, and if i should liv tew be az old az Nebudkennezer waz, and go tew gra.s.s as he did, one striped snaik would spile 50 akers ov good pasture for me.

Wimmin don't luv snaiks enny more than i do, and i respekt her for this.

How on earth Eve waz seduced by a snaik, iz a fust cla.s.s mistery tew me, and if i hadn't read it in the bible, i would bet aginst it.

I beleave everything thare iz in the bible, the things i kant understand, I beleave the most.

I wouldn't swop oph the phaith i hav got for any living man's knoweledge.

Snaiks are all sorts, and all sizes, and the smaller they are, the more i am afrade ov them.

I wouldn't buy a farm at haff price that had a striped snaik on it.

Ded snaik are a weakness with me; i always respekt them, and whenever i see a ded one in the road, i dont drop a tear on him, but i drop another stone on him, for fear he might alter his mind and c.u.m tew life agin, for a snaik hates tew die just az much az a kat duz.

I never could ackount for a snaik or a kat hateing tew die so bad, unless it waz bekauze they waz so poorly prepared for deth.

BABYS.

Babys i luv with all mi heart; they are mi sweetmeats, they warm up mi blood like a gin sling, they krawl into me and nestle by the side ov mi soul, like a kitten under a cook stove.

I hav raized babys miself, and kno what i am talking about.

I hav got grandchildren, and they are wuss than the fust krop tew riot amung the feelings.

If i could hav mi way, i would change all the human beings now on the face ov the earth back into babys at once, and keep them thare, and make this footstool one grand nussery; but what i should do for wet nusses i don't kno, nor don't care.

I would like tew have 15 babys now on mi lap, and mi lap ain't the handyest lap in the world for babys, neither.

My lap iz long enuff, but not the widest kind ov a lap.

I am a good deal ov a man, but i konsist ov length princ.i.p.ally, and when i make a lap ov miself, it iz not a mattra.s.s, but more like a couple ov rails with a jint in them.

I can hold more babys in mi lap at once, than any man in Amerika, without spilling one, but it hurts the babys.

I never saw a baby in mi life that i didn't want tew kiss; i am wuss than an old maid in this respekt.

I hav seen babys that i hav refused tew kiss untill they had been washt; but the baby want tew blame for this, neither waz i.

Thare are folks in this world who say they don't luv babys, but yu kan depend upon it, when they waz babys sumboddy loved them.

Babys luv me, too. I kan take them out ov their mothers' arms just az eazy az i kan an unfleged bird out ov hiz nest. They luv me bekauze i luv them.