The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 119

Misfortunes--A band ov vagrants, who liv on what they kan steal.

Spirituolist--A curb stone broker, who sells exchange on Ben Franklin & Co.

Inheritance--Second-hand goods, other people's leavings.

Ironclads--Vessels ov wrath.

Grave Yard--A small patch ov land, cultivated by the dead, lieing between time and eternity.

Lap Dogs--A nucleus for aff.e.c.kshun out ov a job.

Society--Burning on an alter natral rights, and then sacredly watching over the ashes.

Jealousy--Self love.

Stingyness--The bran ov economy.

Buck Saw--An instrument ov torture.

Bragadocio--One who pulls hiz own courage by the noze.

Anxiety--Milking a kicking heifer with one hand, and holding her by the tail with the other.

Swearing--The metalic currency ov loafers.

Judicious Benevolence--The brains ov the heart.

Blue Jay--The fop ov the forest.

Policy--"Honesty iz the best policy," but policy iz not alwus the best honesty.

Bachelor--The hero ov a cot bedstead.

Club Houses--Whare the hen-pecked go tew sware, and smooth out their feathers.

Lie--The cowardice ov truth.

Skunk--An athletick animal, stronger than an elephant.

OWLY.

Here we have a batch of immaculate truths from the "Owl Club."

After the minutes of the last meeting had been read and approved, each "Owl," as is their custom, lit his cigar, shook out his feathers, and story-telling commenced, the President leading off as usual.

"I never can hear of a man's gitting his head broke," said the President, "but I call to mind the wonderful accident that occured at Austin, Texas, twenty years ago.

"A man was thrown from his horse, while riding at full speed into town, and striking against the sharp edge of a potash kettle, which lay beside the road, his head was split down to his collar-bone, each half hanging over his shoulders like a pair ov epaulettes.

"This man was taken up for dead, but recovered, by skillful treatment, and was elected county judge afterward on the strength of this accident."

"A very good story, and undoubtedly true," said the Vice-President "Owl," "but I don't think it quite so miraculous as the different escapes that Joe French, a friend of mine, a clerk on one of the Mississippi steamboats, has pa.s.sed safely through.

"His last adventure was on the high-pressure steamer Hurricane.

"As she was pa.s.sing Natches, on a down trip, she blew up, and filled the air with every kind of fragments.

"Joe was sent up about two hundred and fifty feet, and there being a strong wind at the time, he was carried over onto the center of the city, and fell through the roof of a jewelry store.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

"After pa.s.sing down through three stories of the building, he struck on his feet, by the side of the proprietor of the concern, who demanded five hundred dollars for the damages done to his building.

"'I can't pay so much money,' said Joe, 'but i will give you two hundred and fifty, _and I have often settled for this price before_.'"

"Bully for Joe French," said one of the "Owls." "But let me tell you a little story about an attorney by the name of Gersh' Buckley, who practiced law at Burlington, Iowa, a few years ago.

"Gersh had a case, in the county court, which he lost, and in settling with his client was charged by the other attorney with taking less than the customary fees.

"Gersh plead quietly to the charge. 'But, gentlemen,' said he, '_I done all in my power to sustain the honor of the profession, I took all the money the man had_.'"

At this point, one of the "Owls," more noted for his gravity than any of the rest, mounted his perch, and begged to be heard, as follows:

"Talking about steamboats reminds me of a circ.u.mstance which occurred on the lower Mississippi, in the year 1840. I had been down to New Orleans and was on my return, having taken pa.s.sage on the fast side-wheel steamer, f.a.n.n.y Birch.

"Twenty-five miles up the river we overtook the Memphis Belle, an opposition boat, just leaving a woodyard. Rosin and pine was soon the order ov exercises, and both boats were quickly side by side in a close-contested race.

"Suddenly word was pa.s.sed along the boat, 'Man overboard!'

"The captain, rushing aft, inquired of the clerk if the man had paid his pa.s.sage.

"'Yes!' shouted the clerk.

"'Then go ahead on her, engineer!' was the captain's order."

"Owl" number five plumed his feathers and opened his short but silvery-toned beak, as follows:

"Out in Nevada, during a race week, a rider was thrown from a horse and taken up insensible. As he lay on a stretcher near the judges' stand many wagers were made among the sporting fraternity present, upon his death or recovery.

"A surgeon present proposed to bleed the boy, but the gamblers interposed, for, they said, it would seriously _affect the fairness of the bets_."

"I don't believe that story," said "Owl" Number Six: "but here is one which has been in our family for over forty years, and we all know it to be true:

"An old gentleman--who, by the way, was almost entirely deaf, had brought a suit against one of his neighbors, claiming certain damages.