The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 43

CELIA. Your disrespectful sneers-- Don't go!

Call forth indignant tears-- Don't go!

You break our laws-- You are our foe: We cry because We hate you so!

You know!

You very wicked Peers!

You wicked Peers!

Don't go!

FAIRIES. LORDS MOUNT. and TOLL.

You break our laws-- Our disrespectful sneers, You are our foe: Ha, ha!

We cry because Call forth indignant tears, We hate you so! Ha, ha!

You know! If that's the case, my dears-- You very wicked Peers! FAIRIES. Don't go!

Don't go! PEERS. We'll go!

(Exeunt Lord Mountararat, Lord Tolloller, and Peers. Fairies gaze wistfully after them.)

(Enter Fairy Queen.)

QUEEN. Oh, shame--shame upon you! Is this your fidelity to the laws you are bound to obey? Know ye not that it is death to marry a mortal?

LEILA. Yes, but it's not death to wish to marry a mortal!

FLETA. If it were, you'd have to execute us all!

QUEEN. Oh, this is weakness! Subdue it!

CELIA. We know it's weakness, but the weakness is so strong!

LEILA. We are not all as tough as you are!

QUEEN. Tough! Do you suppose that I am insensible to the effect of manly beauty? Look at that man! (Referring to Sentry.) A perfect picture! (To Sentry.) Who are you, sir?

WILLIS (coming to "attention"). Private Willis, B Company, 1st Grenadier Guards.

QUEEN. You're a very fine fellow, sir.

WILLIS. I am generally admired.

QUEEN. I can quite understand it. (To Fairies.) Now here is a man whose physical attributes are simply G.o.dlike. That man has a most extraordinary effect upon me. If I yielded to a natural impulse, I should fall down and worship that man. But I mortify this inclination; I wrestle with it, and it lies beneath my feet!

That is how I treat my regard for that man!

SONG--FAIRY QUEEN.

Oh, foolish fay, Think you, because His brave array My bosom thaws, I'd disobey Our fairy laws?

Because I fly In realms above, In tendency To fall in love, Resemble I The amorous dove?

(Aside.) Oh, amorous dove!

Type of Ovidius Naso!

This heart of mine Is soft as thine, Although I dare not say so!

CHORUS. Oh, amorous dove, etc.

On fire that glows With heat intense I turn the hose Of common sense, And out it goes At small expense!

We must maintain Our fairy law; That is the main On which to draw-- In that we gain A Captain Shaw!

(Aside.) Oh, Captain Shaw!

Type of true love kept under!

Could thy Brigade With cold cascade Quench my great love, I wonder!

CHORUS. Oh, Captain Shaw! etc.

(Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully.)

(Enter Phyllis.)

PHYL. (half crying). I can't think why I'm not in better spirits. I'm engaged to two n.o.blemen at once. That ought to be enough to make any girl happy. But I'm miserable! Don't suppose it's because I care for Strephon, for I hate him! No girl could care for a man who goes about with a mother considerably younger than himself!

(Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller.)

LORD MOUNT. Phyllis! My darling!

LORD TOLL. Phyllis! My own!

PHYL. Don't! How dare you? Oh, but perhaps you're the two n.o.blemen I'm engaged to?

LORD MOUNT. I am one of them.

LORD TOLL. I am the other.

PHYL. Oh, then, my darling! (to Lord Mountararat). My own!

(to Lord Tolloller). Well, have you settled which it's to be?

LORD TOLL. Not altogether. It's a difficult position. It would be hardly delicate to toss up. On the whole we would rather leave it to you.

PHYL. How can it possibly concern me? You are both EarIs, and you are both rich, and you are both plain.

LORD MOUNT. So we are. At least I am.

LORD TOLL. So am I.

LORD MOUNT. No, no!

LORD TOLL. I am indeed. Very plain.

LORD MOUNT. Well, well--perhaps you are.

PHYL. There's really nothing to choose between you. If one of you would forgo his t.i.tle, and distribute his estates among his Irish tenantry, why, then, I should then see a reason for accepting the other.

LORD MOUNT. Tolloller, are you prepared to make this sacrifice?

LORD TOLL. No!

LORD MOUNT. Not even to oblige a lady?

LORD TOLL. No! not even to oblige a lady.

LORD MOUNT. Then, the only question is, which of us shall give way to the other? Perhaps, on the whole, she would be happier with me. I don't know. I may be wrong.

LORD TOLL. No. I don't know that you are. I really believe she would. But the awkward part of the thing is that if you rob me of the girl of my heart, we must fight, and one of us must die.

It's a family tradition that I have sworn to respect. It's a painful position, for I have a very strong regard for you, George.

LORD MOUNT. (much affected). My dear Thomas!

LORD TOLL. You are very dear to me, George. We were boys together--at least I was. If I were to survive you, my existence would be hopelessly embittered.

LORD MOUNT. Then, my dear Thomas, you must not do it. I say it again and again--if it will have this effect upon you, you must not do it. No, no. If one of us is to destroy the other, let it be me!

LORD TOLL. No, no!

LORD MOUNT. Ah, yes!--by our boyish friendship I implore you!

LORD TOLL. (much moved). Well, well, be it so. But, no--no!--I cannot consent to an act which would crush you with unavaillng remorse.

LORD MOUNT. But it would not do so. I should be very sad at first--oh, who would not be?--but it would wear off. I like you very much--but not, perhaps, as much as you like me.

LORD TOLL. George, you're a n.o.ble fellow, but that tell-tale tear betrays you. No, George; you are very fond of me, and I cannot consent to give you a week's uneasiness on my account.

LORD MOUNT. But, dear Thomas, it would not last a week!

Remember, you lead the House of Lords! On your demise I shall take your place! Oh, Thomas, it would not last a day!

PHYL. (coming down). Now, I do hope you're not going to fight about me, because it's really not worth while.

LORD TOLL. (looking at her). Well, I don't believe it is!

LORD MOUNT. Nor I. The sacred ties of Friendship are paramount.

QUARTET--LORD MOUNTARARAT, LORD TOLLOLLER, PHYLLIS, and PRIVATE WILLIS.

LORD TOLL. Though p'r'aps I may incur your blame, The things are few I would not do In Friendship's name!

LORD MOUNT. And I may say I think the same; Not even love Should rank above True Friendship's name!