The Colloquies of Erasmus Part 82

_Pa._ Did you not find a single Life irksome to you?

_Gl._ Nothing happened to me in the whole Course of my Life, more afflicting than the Death of my Wife, and I could have pa.s.sionately wish'd that we might have grown old together, and might have enjoy'd the Comfort of the common Blessing, our Children: But since Providence saw it meet it should be otherwise, I judged that it was best for us both, and therefore did not think there was Cause for me to afflict myself with Grief, that would do no good, neither to me nor the Deceased.

_Pol._ What, had you never an Inclination to marry again, especially the first having been so happy a Match to you?

_Gl._ I had an Inclination so to do, but as I married for the Sake of Children, so for the Sake of my Children I did not marry again.

_Pol._ But 'tis a miserable Case to lie alone whole Nights without a Bedfellow.

_Gl._ Nothing is hard to a willing Mind. And then do but consider the Benefits of a single Life: There are some People in the World, who will be for making the worst of every Thing; such a one _Crates_ seemed to be, or an Epigram under his Name, summing up the Evils of human Life.

And the Resolution is this, that it is best not to be born at all. Now _Metrodorus_ pleases me a great Deal better, who picks out what is good in it; this makes Life the pleasanter. And I brought my Mind to that Temper of Indifference never to have a violent Aversion or Fondness for any thing. And by this it comes to pa.s.s, that if any good Fortune happens to me, I am not vainly transported, or grow insolent; or if any thing falls out cross, I am not much perplex'd.

_Pa._ Truly if you can do this, you are a greater Philosopher than _Thales_ himself.

_Gl._ If any Uneasiness in my Mind rises, (as mortal Life produces many of them) I cast it immediately out of my Thoughts, whether it be from the Sense of an Affront offered, or any Thing done unhandsomly.

_Pol._ Well, but there are some Provocations that would raise the Anger of the most patient Man alive: As the Saucinesses of Servants frequently are.

_Gl._ I suffer nothing to stay long enough in my Mind to make an Impression. If I can cure them I do it, if not, I reason thus with myself, What good will it do me to torment myself about that which will be never the better for it? In short, I let Reason do that for me at first, which after a little While, Time itself would do. And this I be sure take Care of, not to suffer any Vexation, be it never so great, to go to Bed with me.

_Eu._ No wonder that you don't grow old, who are of that Temper.

_Gl._ Well, and that I mayn't conceal any thing from Friends, in an especial Manner I have kept this Guard upon myself, never to commit any Thing that might be a Reflection either on my own Honour or that of my Children. For there is nothing more troublesome than a guilty Conscience. And if I have committed a Fault I don't go to Bed before I have reconcil'd myself to G.o.d. To be at Peace with G.o.d is the Fountain of true Tranquillity of Mind, or, as the Greeks call it, [Greek: euthymia]. For they who live thus, Men can do them no great Injury.

_Eu._ Have you never any anxious Thoughts upon the Apprehension of Death?

_Gl._ No more than I have for the Day of my Birth. I know I must die, and to live in the Fear of it may possibly shorten my Life, but to be sure it would never make it longer. So that I care for nothing else but to live piously and comfortably, and leave the rest to Providence; and a Man can't live happily that does not live piously.

_Pa._ But I should grow old with the Tiresomeness of living so long in the same Place, tho' it were _Rome_ itself.

_Gl._ The changing of Place has indeed something of Pleasure in it; but then, as for long Travels, tho' perhaps they may add to a Man's Experience, yet they are liable to a great many Dangers. I seem to myself to travel over the whole World in a Map, and can see more in Histories than if I had rambled through Sea and Land for twenty Years together, as _Ulysses_ did. I have a little Country-House about two Miles out of Town, and there sometimes, of a Citizen I become a Country-Man, and having recreated my self there, I return again to the City a new Comer, and salute and am welcom'd as if I had return'd from the new-found Islands.

_Eu._ Don't you a.s.sist Nature with a little Physick?

_Gl._ I never was let Blood, or took Pills nor Potions in my Life yet.

If I feel any Disorder coming upon me, I drive it away with spare Diet or the Country Air.

_Eu._ Don't you study sometimes?

_Gl._ I do. In that is the greatest Pleasure of my Life: But I make a Diversion of it, but not a Toil. I study either for Pleasure or Profit of my Life, but not for Ostentation. After Meat I have a Collation of learned Stories, or else somebody to read to me, and I never sit to my Books above an Hour at a Time: Then I get up and take my Violin, and walk about in my Chamber, and sing to it, or else ruminate upon what I have read; or if I have a good Companion with me, I relate it, and after a While I return to my Book again.

_Eu._ But tell me now, upon the Word of an honest Man; Do you feel none of the Infirmities of old Age, which are said to be a great many?

_Gl._ My Sleep is not so sound, nor my Memory so good, unless I fix any thing deeply in it. Well, I have now acquitted myself of my Promise. I have laid open to you those magical Arts by which I have kept myself young, and now let _Polygamus_ tell us fairly, how he brought old Age upon him to that Degree.

_Po._ Indeed, I will hide nothing from such trusty Companions.

_Eu._ You will tell it to those that will not make a Discourse of it.

_Po._ You very well know I indulg'd my Appet.i.te when I was at _Paris_.

_Eu._ We remember it very well. But we thought that you had left your rakish Manners and your youthful Way of Living at _Paris_.

_Po._ Of the many Mistresses I had there I took one Home, who was big with Child.

_Eu._ What, into your Father's House?

_Po._ Directly thither; but I pretended she was a Friend's Wife, who was to come to her in a little Time.

_Gl._ Did your Father believe it?

_Po._ He smelt the Matter out in three or four Days time, and then there was a cruel Scolding. However, in this Interim I did not leave off Feasting, Gaming, and other extravagant Diversions. And in short, my Father continuing to rate me, saying he would have no such cackling Gossips under his Roof, and ever and anon threatning to discard me, I march'd off, remov'd to another Place with my Pullet, and she brought me some young Chickens.

_Pa._ Where had you Money all the While?

_Po._ My Mother gave me some by Stealth, and I ran over Head and Ears in Debt.

_Eu._ Had any Body so little Wit as to lend you?

_Po._ There are some Persons who will trust no Body more readily than they will a Spendthrift.

_Pa._ And what next?

_Po._ At last my Father was going about to disinherit me in good earnest. Some Friends interpos'd, and made up the Breach upon this Condition; that I should renounce the _French_ Woman, and marry one of our own Country.

_Eu._ Was she your Wife?

_Po._ There had past some Words between us in the future Tense, but there had been carnal Copulation in the present Tense.

_Eu._ How could you leave her then?

_Po._ It came to be known afterwards, that my _French_ Woman had a _French_ Husband that she had elop'd from some Time before.

_Eu._ But it seems you have a Wife now.

_Po._ None besides this which is my Eighth.

_Eu._ The Eighth! Why then you were named _Polygamus_ by Way of Prophecy. Perhaps they all died without Children.

_Po._ Nay, there was not one of them but left me a Litter which I have at Home.

_Eu._ I had rather have so many Hens at Home, which would lay me Eggs.

An't you weary of wifeing?

_Po._ I am so weary of it, that if this Eighth should die to Day, I would marry the Ninth to-Morrow. Nay, it vexes me that I must not have two or three, when one c.o.c.k has so many Hens.

_Eu._ Indeed I don't wonder, Mr. c.o.c.k, that you are no fatter, and that you have brought old Age upon you to that Degree; for nothing brings on old Age faster, than excessive and hard Drinking, keeping late Hours, and Whoring, extravagant Love of Women, and immoderate Venery. But who maintains your Family all this While?