The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 27

CONUNDRUMS.

IF a husband were to see his wife drowning, what single letter of the alphabet would he name?--_Answer._ Let-her B.

WHAT is most like a hen stealing?--_Ans._ A c.o.c.k _robbing_ (robin).

WHAT wind would a hungry sailor wish for, at sea?--_Ans._--A wind that blows _fowl_ and then _chops_.

WHEN is a lane dangerous to walk in?--_Ans._ When the hedges are _shooting_, and the _bull-rushes_ out.

IN what color should a secret be kept?--_Ans._ In violet (inviolate).

WHAT proof is there that Robinson Crusoe found his island inhabited?--_Ans._ Because he saw a great swell pitching into a little cove.

WHAT was Joan of Arc made of?--_Ans._ _Maid_ of Orleans.

WHY is the county of Bucks, like a drover's stick?--_Ans._ Because it runs into _Oxon_ (oxen) and Herts (_hurts_).

WHO is the greatest dandy you meet at sea?--_Ans._ The great _swell_ of the ocean.

WHY may it be presumed that Moses wore a wig?--_Ans._ Because he was sometimes seen with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without.

LOVE.

A LITTLE sighing, a little crying, a little dying, and a deal of lying.--_Jonathan._

THE THIEF AND THE DUKE.

THE great Duke of Marlborough, pa.s.sing the gate of the Tower, after having inspected that fortress, was accosted by an ill-looking fellow, with, "How do you do, my Lord Duke? I believe your Grace and I have now been in every jail in the kingdom?" "I believe, my friend," replied the Duke, with surprise, "this is the only jail I ever visited." "Very like," replied the other, "but I have been in all the rest."

LOSS OF TIME.

A DEVOTEE lamented to her confessor, her love of gaming. "Ah, madam,"

replied the priest, "it is a grievous sin:--in the first place, consider the loss of time." "Yes," replied the fair penitent, "I have often begrudged the time lost in _shuffling_ and _dealing_."

UNEXPECTED REPLY.

A PREACHER, in Arabia, having for his text, a portion of the Koran, "I have called Noah," after twice repeating his text, made a long pause; when an Arab present, thinking that he was waiting for an answer, exclaimed, "If Noah will not come, call somebody else."

GENEROUS.

"I WILL save you a thousand pounds," said a young buck to an old gentleman. "How?" "You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten thousand pounds as her portion." "I do." "Sir, I will take her with nine thousand."

FRIENDLY BANTER.

FRIEND GRACE, it seems, had a very good horse and a very poor one. When seen riding the latter, he was asked the reason (it turned out that his better half had taken the good one). "What!" said the bantering bachelor, "how comes it you let your mistress ride the better horse?"

The only reply was--"Friend, when thee beest married theel't know."

TAKING A RECEIPT.

THE Hartford Times vouches for the truth of the following story:

"Pat Malone, you are fined five dollars for a.s.sault and battery on Mike Sweeney."

"I have the money in me pocket, and I'll pay the fine, if your honor will give me the resate."

"We give no receipts here. We just take the money. You will not be called upon a second time for your fine."

"But your honor, I'll not be wanting to pay the same till after I get the resate."

"What do you want to do with it?"

"If your honor will write one and give it to me, I'll tell you."

"Well, there's your receipt. Now what do you want to do with it?"

"I'll tell your honor. You see, one of those days I'll be after dying, and when I go to the gate of heaven I'll rap, and St. Peter will say, 'Who's there?' and I'll say, 'It's me, Pat Malone,' and he'll say, 'What do you want?' and I'll say, 'I want to come in,' and he'll say, 'Did you behave like a dacent boy in the other world, and pay all the fines and such things?' and I'll say, 'Yes, your holiness,' and then he'll want to see the resate, and I'll put my hand in my pocket and take out my resate and give it to him, and I'll not have to go ploddin' all over h.e.l.l to find your honor to get one."