The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 26

"'My dear,' said we fondly, 'did you make this?'

"'Yes, my love, ain't it nice?'

"'Glorious--the best bread pudding I ever tasted in my life.'

"'Plum pudding, ducky,' suggested my wife.

"'O, no, dearest, bread pudding. I was always fond of 'em.'

"'Call them bread pudding!' exclaimed my wife, while her lips slightly curled with contempt.

"'Certainly, my dear--reckon I've had enough at the Sherwood House, to know bread pudding, my love, by all means.'

"'Husband--this is really too bad--plum pudding is twice as hard to make as bread pudding, and is more expensive, and is a great deal better. I say this is plum pudding, sir!' and my pretty wife's brow flushed with excitement.

"'My love, my sweet, my dear love,' exclaimed we soothingly, 'do not get angry. I am sure it is very good, if it is bread pudding.'

"'You mean, low wretch,' fiercely replied my wife, in a higher tone, 'you know it's plum pudding.'

"'Then, ma'am, it's so meanly put together and so badly burned, that the devil himself wouldn't know it. I tell you, madam, most distinctly and emphatically, that it is bread pudding and the meanest kind at that.'

"'It is plum pudding,' shrieked my wife, as she hurled a gla.s.s of claret in my face, the gla.s.s itself tapping the claret from my nose.

"'Bread pudding!' gasped we, pluck to the last, and grasped a roasted chicken by the left leg.

"'Plum pudding!' rose above the din, as I had a distinct perception of feeling two plates smashed across my head.

"'Bread pudding!' we groaned in a rage, as the chicken left our hand and flying with swift wing across the table landed in madam's bosom.

"'Plum pudding!' resounded the war-cry from the enemy, as the gravy-dish took us where we had been depositing a part of our dinner, and a plate of beets landed upon our white vest.

"'Bread pudding forever!' shouted we in defiance, dodging the soup tureen, and falling beneath its contents.

"'Plum pudding!' yelled the amiable spouse; noticing our misfortune, she determined to keep us down by piling upon our head the dishes with no gentle hand. Then in rapid succession, followed the war-cries. 'Plum pudding!' she shrieked with every dish.

"'Bread pudding,' in smothered tones, came up from the pile in reply.

Then it was 'plum pudding,' in rapid succession, the last cry growing feebler, till just as I can distinctly recollect, it had grown to a whisper. 'Plum pudding' resounded like thunder, followed by a tremendous crash as my wife leaped upon the pile with her delicate feet, and commenced jumping up and down, when, thank heaven! we awoke, and thus saved our life. We shall never dream on wedding cake again--that's the moral."

PAT QUERY.

A GENTLEMAN was threatening to beat a dog who barked intolerably. "Why,"

exclaimed an Irishman, "would you beat the poor dumb animal for spakin'

out?"

FRIENDLY VISITS.

A GENTLEMAN was speaking the other day of the kindness of his friends in visiting him. One old aunt in particular visited him twice a year, and stayed six months each time.

REMOTE.

"I'D have you to know, Mrs. Stoker, that my uncle was a banister of the law."

"A fig for your banister," retorted Mrs. Grumly, turning up her nose, "haven't I a cousin as is a corridor in the navy?"

A CAT STORY.

A PHILOSOPHICAL old gentleman was one day pa.s.sing a new school-house, erected somewhere towards the setting sun borders of our glorious Union, when his attention was suddenly attracted to a crowd of persons gathered around the door. He inquired of a boy, whom he met, what was going on.

"Well, nothin', 'cept the skule committy, and they're goin' in."

"A committee meets to-day! What for?"

"Well," continued the boy, "you see Bill, that's our biggest boy, got mad at the teacher, and so he went all round and gathered dead cats.

Nothin' but cats, and cats, and cats. Oh! it was orful, them cats!"

"Pshaw! what have the cats to do with the school committee?"

"Now, well, you see Bill kept a bringing cats and cats; allers a pilin'

them up yonder," pointing to a huge pile as large in extent as a pyramid, and considerably aromatic, "and he piled them. Nothing but cats, cats!"

"Never mind, my son, what Bill did; what has the committee met for?"

"Then Bill got sick haulin' them, and everybody got sick a nosin' them, but Bill got madder, and didn't give it up, but kept a pilin' up the cats and--"

"Can you tell what the committee are holding a meeting for?"

"Why, the skule committy are goin' to hold a meetin' up here to say whether they'll move the skule house or the cats."

The old gentleman evaporated immediately.