The Bishop of Cottontown Part 70

They came. They considered it both a pleasure and an honor, as Jud Carpenter expressed it, to drink with him.

"It is a good idea to mingle with them now and then," whispered Travis to Charley. "It keeps me solid with them--health, gentlemen!"

Charley Biggers showed his good-natured teeth:

"Health, gentlemen," he grinned.

Then he hiccoughed through his weak little nose.

"Joe Hopper can't rise, gentlemen, Joe is drunk, an'--an' a widderer, besides," hiccoughed Joe from below.

Joe had been a widower for a year. His wife, after being the mother of eleven children, who now supported Joe in his drunkenness, had pa.s.sed away.

Then Joe burst into tears.

"What's up, Joe?" asked Jud kindly.

"Liza's dead," he wailed.

"Why, she's been dead a year," said Jud.

"Don't keer, Jud--I'm jes'--jes' beginnin' to feel it now"--and he wept afresh.

It was too much for Charley Biggers, and he also wept. Travis looked fixedly at the ceiling and recited portions of the Episcopal burial service. Then Jud wept. They all wept.

"Gentlemen," said Travis solemnly, "let us drink to the health of the departed Mrs. Hopper. Here's to her!"

This cheered all except Joe Hopper--he refused to be comforted. They tried to console him, but he only wept the more. They went on drinking and left him out, but this did not tend to diminish his tears.

"Oh, Mister Hopper, shet up," said Jud peremptorily--"close up--I've arranged for you to marry a gra.s.s-widder."

This cheered him greatly.

"O Jud--Jud--if I marry a gra.s.s-widder whut--whut'll I be then?"

"Why? a gra.s.shopper, sure," said Travis.

They all roared. Then Jud winked at Travis and Travis winked at the others. Then they sat around a table, all winking except poor Joe, who continued to weep at the thought of being a gra.s.shopper. He did not quite understand how it was, but he knew that in some way he was to be changed into a gra.s.shopper, with long green wings and legs to match.

"Gentlemen," said Jud seriously--"it is our duty to help out po' Joe.

Now, Joe, we've arranged it for you to marry Miss Kate Galloway--the gra.s.s-widder."

"Not Miss Kate," said Travis with becoming seriousness.

"Why not her, Mr. Travis?" asked Jud, winking.

"Because his children will be Katydids," said Travis.

This brought on thundering roars of laughter and drinks all around.

Only Joe wept--wept to think his children would be katydids.

"Now, Joe, it's this way. I've talked it all over and arranged it.

That's what we've met for to-night--ain't it, gents?" said Jud.

"Sure--sure," they all exclaimed.

"Now, Joe, you mus' dry yo' tears an' become reconciled--we've got a nice scheme fixed for you."

"I'll never be reconciled--never," wailed Joe. "Liza's dead an'--I'm a gra.s.shopper."

"Now, wait till I explain to you--but, dear, devoted friend, everything is ready. The widder's been seen an' all you've got to do is to come with us and get her."

"She's a mighty handsome 'oman," said Jud, winking his eye.

"Dear--dear frien's--all--I'm feelin' reconciled already"--said Joe.

They all joined in the roar. Jud winked. They all winked. Jud went on:

"Joe, dear, dear Joe--we have had thy welfare at heart, as the books say. We wanted thee to become a millionaire. Thou hast eleven children to begin with. They pay you--"

"Eighteen dollars a week, clear,"--said Joe proudly.

"Well, now, Joe--it's all arranged--you marry the widder an' in the course of time you'll have eleven mo'. That's another eighteen dollars--or thirty-six dollars a week clear in the mills."

"Now, but I hadn't thought of that," said Joe enthusiastically--"that's a fact. When--when did you say the ceremony'd be performed?"

"Hold on," said Jud, "now, we've studied this thing all out for you.

You're a Mormon--the only one of us that is a Mormon--openly."

They all laughed.

"Openly--" he went on--"you've j'ined the Mormon church here up in the mountains."

"But we don't practise polygamy--now"--said Joe.

"That's only on account of the Grand Jury and the law--not yo'

religion. You see--you'll marry an' go to Utah--but--es the kids come you'll sen' 'em all down here to the mills--every one a kinder livin'

coupon. All any man's got to do in this country to git rich is to marry enough wives."

"Can I do that--do the marryin' in Utah an' keep sendin' the--the chilluns down to the mill?" His eyes glittered.

"Sart'inly"--said Jud--"sure!"

"Then there's Miss Carewe"--he went on--"you haf'ter cal'clate on feedin' several wives in one, with her. But say eleven mo' by her.

That's thirty-seven mo'."

Joe jumped up.

"Is she willin'?"