The Bad Boy At Home Part 3

CHAPTER XI.

IN THE ROLE OF DRAMATICK CRITTICK.--"HOSIERY HENRYETTUR, OR A BOOM IN FANCY GOODS."--THE HAPPY DENEWMENT.

I didn't write nothin in you last nite, Mr. Diry, cos me and Maria--that's my gal--was takin in the furst nite at the theatur.

Jest wen I was lee vin the offis the edittur called me aside and arst me if I thot I was capabel to report the furst performance of "Hosiery Henryettur, or A Boom in Fancy Goods," cos the dramattick edit-tur had gone and got mashed on the latest perfesshunal buty from Cleveland, and warn't fit for duty.

I sez: "You becher sweet neck, I can."

So he give me a cupple of "comps" and a led nickle for to buy candie and peenuts with. Wen I got home I drest up in my Sunday-skule cloes, and went round and wated wile my gal was puttin on her bandyline and rubbin her face with a red sawcer wot she sez she uses for newralgy.

You bet, this devil felt proud, promerinardin his gal down the ile to the front orchestrey chares, wots reserved for us rep-rysentatives of the metrypollyton press.

I got out my note-book and pencil, and me and Maria ete candie, talked sweet, and wated developments.

I'll pa.s.s over the prolog, and giv you the report jest as it was printed in this mornin's _Buster_:

"Last evenin, the curtin, in Niblo's theattur, rose to a large, appreshiativ, and bald-hedded audiense wot sit in the orkerstry cheers.

"The play wot come on the staige for the furst time in 'Merica was 'nt.i.tled 'Hosiery Henryettur, or A Boom in Fancy Goods.' The plot was novel, romantik, and excrushiatingly interestin. The princ.i.p.al charackters is Henryettur, a a.s.sthetick young ladie, dorter of a Fillydelphy lawyer, and Augustus Angerlinus Fizzlesprung, a dude, wot wares a eye gla.s.s and carries a gold plaited kane, wot he chews sted of terfaackky, cos his nerves is week. Henryettur is orful sick 'bout Gussy, and wuld giv her lock of Horsecar Wild's hare, wot she carrys in her bussum, if Gussy would ony tumbel and marry her. But Gussy wouldn't tumbel if the hull of Broadway'd fall on him, cos he's mashed on a lot of dudines wot do the balleyin act in the academme. The furst act was very utter, in fact too utterly utter for utteranse. The scenery was grandly sublime, bein a combynashun of sunflours and Baltymore oysters, wot are sed to be very a.s.sthetick. The seccund scene is more commonplase, cos it reprysents a green room of a theat-tur with the artists sittin round a tabel, makin a supper off of Boston baked beens and shampain sawse. Gussy 'pares in the background and givs the gals $5 to danse a bally for his own spesh.e.l.l benerfit. Then they all cam to the front of the staige. We guess they b'long to the femail econymist persuashun, cos they all 'pared to be very eccornomical in goods wen they maid there skurts, or else they got there dresses wet, cos they've shrunk way up 'bove their nees, and way down b'low there necks. The clerk wot sold 'em there stockins must of warrented them to wash, cos there all colors, and there bout the only part of there does wots anyways long. The dan-cin' part of the performanse didn't 'pare to be much appreshyated by the older porshun of the audiense, cos they shaded their eyes with their opera gla.s.ses and blushed on the top of there heds, were there hare used to grow. The gals then go thru a lot of moshuns, dansin the racket, and Gussy sets 'em up.

"The furst scene of Act III. is in Henryettur's privat boodywar. She walks round, holdin a big sunflower in her hand, and calls it to witness that if her dare Gussy don't make up his mind purty soon to marry her, the tender thred wot holds her to this mundain spere will soon c.u.m to a too utterly utter, suddint round turn. Then she whispers sumthin to herself, and jumps bout a foot, and xclaims, in a anty-a.s.sthetik voice: 'I will do it! By the misterious hare, hidden in the opake depths of 10-cent-a-plate ice-creme, I will do it!'

"The scene then changes to a rehursal in the theattur, with Gussy looking at the bailey. All on a suddint a gal comes dancin out on tip-toes and movin her hands round like she was playin'

skippin'-the-rope. Her close is purty, ony they're a good deal more shrunken than wot the other gals had on, and her lower xtremer-ties look like she was smugglin' cotton from New Orleans. Gussy then gets mashed on her rite away, and she don't 'pare to mind it a bit, cos she sot rite down on his knee, and they begun a-talkin' awful soft. Purty soon she jumped 'bout six feet, wen Gussy shoved a pin inter her stockins. Then he reckernized her as Henryettur, and the bailey bring on the happey denewment act, by balleyin' round wile Gussy and Henryettur 'mbrace and kiss each other, and the property man lifts up his hands and sez:

"Henryettur, you had better Go put on your cloesietter, Cos you are too utter utter, Drest all in your hosieryetter; Gussy, you must let her, let her, And I'm sure you'll like her better Wen you've settur, settur, settur, And we've drunk to your dudetter."

CHAPTER XII.

A OLD BILL.--THE EDITTUR GETS A FORTUNE FROM OSSTRAILYER.-- SAMANTHY LONGTUNG AS THE BLUSHING BRIDE EXPECTENT.--THE END JESTERFIES THE MEENS.

The edittur was lookin outer the winder this mornin, wen, who should he spie c.u.mmin up the offis steps, but Miss Samanthy Longtung, that's my Sundy skule teecher, wots sweet forty and aint never had a mash. He sed, he guessed he'd better not be to home, so I'd hav to stand her off, cos she'd c.u.m to collect the quarter, wot he'd forgot to pay, wen he eat that plate of injy-rubber oyster supe at the church festival, bout a yere ago.

Wen Miss Longtung c.u.m in, she reck-ernized me, and congratulated me on enterin such a onherabel perfesshun. Then she kissed me rite on the mouth, and sed, she wished I was growd up to be a big man. Then she a.s.st me if Mr. Gilley was in, and wen I told her "no," she sed she was orful sorry, cos she'd c.u.m to collect a littel bill, wot she's gone responsibel for, and wot was purty neer dew.

I told her I was sure Mr. Gilley would be orful sorry, wen he c.u.m back and found she'd ben to see him, cos I'd hurd him say, he thot she was the purtist yung ladie, he knowd, n town, and of all wimmin, she was the one he'd hav, wen he got a wife.

She sez, "Do tell, Georgie," and then she kissed and hugged me, all over, and a.s.st me how long the edittur would be gone.

I seen she was warntin to kno too much & wuldnt stan off wuth a cent.

So I told her that Mr. Gilley wuldnt get back til nite, cos he was up to his turney's, arrangin bout gettin the big fortune wot his uncle, wot dide in Osstrailyer, had left to him.

"The poor dare man," sez she; "didnt I alwus tell them yung snips of gurls at sewin circles that Mr. Gilley'd be welthy sum day, I guess they won't turn up their knoeses and call me a dride up old made, when Samanthy Longtung turns inter Samanthy Gilley. I alwus knowd I'd be married fore I got outer my teens, and to think my darlin Joe was too onherable and bashful to ask my hand fore he got his fortune. But I spose he was frade I wuldnt giv this poor hart, to a poor man, wen so menny welthy suters wus round," Then she hugged me agin, & told me to tell Mr. Gilley never to mind bout that quarter, cos she'd advance it outer her own pocket. Seein she was so orful kind, I told her all bout the fortune; how Mr. Gilley's uncle was sent out ter rustercate in Bottany Bey by the British Guvment, but the barmy breezes of the bey didnt agree with his constetushun, so he resined and took a boat for a nuther ileland, & wen he got there he borrud sum sheep from a farmer, & them sheep got marreed, & then there was a lot of littel sheep, wen they growd up and got married, and kep the ball rollin' even to the 3d & 4th generashun, wen the old man dide. And now Mr. Gilley was goin to hav them aucshunned off, & he thot he'd get bout half a millyun for em. Then I show'd her the plans of the Grammercy Park palace, wot the perlitical edittur is keepin for refrence, in case he's called on to boom Mr.

Tilden for Preserdent, and told her them was the plans of the reserdense wot Mr. Gilley was goin to hav bilt to take his blushin bride too, after they got back from a Yuropeean hunney-moon. Then I maid her promis faithfully that she wouldnt tell a sole bout the fortune & manshun, cos the Edittur of the _Buster_ was the maudestest man in New York city.

The Jesuites used to say that "The end alwus justerfies the meens." Sum of the old Rode Ileland Purytans may say I'm a liar, but I don't agree with em, cos I've maid too peepel happy. Samanthy Longtung is radient, cos she walked up the strete like she was tredin on air. And Mr. Gilley acts like he'd unloded a hull team full of pig led oflfen his mind, cos he knoes Samanthy'll have the noose of the fortune all over town 'fore nite, and then he'll be abel to stave off his bills, and run his cheek for wotever he warnts, for a hull yare to c.u.m. He told me, wen I was c.u.mmin home, that I was a born diplermatist, & ort to hire myself out to King Alfonso, of Spain, in case he'd get insulted agin.

CHAPTER XIII.

TRAVERLIN IN STILE.--GRAND RECEPSHUNS AND BABY KISSIN MATTYNAYS.--MISTAKEN FOR HIS AXERDENSY.--A DEDLEY STATE.

6 p. m., Troy, N. Y.

Mr. Diry:

You will notis by the above address, that you and me are away from home to-nite, and I spose you orter have sum xplenashun of our doins. Well, wen I got down to the offis this mornin, Mr. Gilley told me to go rite home and put on my Sunday cloes, and be reddy to start for Troy on the leven clock trane, cos we was goin to opin up the campane there, and he wanted me to carry his sach.e.l.l, wot had a demmy-John in. Wen I got back, Gilley was orful busy with a old pall-bearer of the Demmercratick corpse, from Shodack, fixin the rate per caperta wot was to be bid for votes.

Wen we got to the depot, Vanderbuilt had had one of his spells, and had been sendin the publick to Haydies, so he wuldn't let the trane wate ten minnits for a guvmentel candy date. Mr. Gilley was in an orful way bout gettin left, cos he had to be at Troy to-nite, and there warnt no other trane wot would get us there, so he pade a feerful big pile of munney for a spesh.e.l.l. President Arthur, and a lot of other Republercan dudes was goin to start for Bufflo on a fishin xcurshun at 1 o'clock, so our train got under way rite off, and every other trane on the rode was sidetracked to let us get past.

There was a norful crowd at every sta-shun, wot had c.u.m from miles round, to see us distingushed cityzens. We stopped at Yungkurs to water.

The town has got a orful apropriate name, judgin by the way the mothers brot ther yung curs for us to kiss. I dont care nothin for baby's enyway, but I had to submit to a lot of s...o...b..rin for the sake of inflooensin votes, for my Candydate. At Fishkill we stopped for refreshments, and was waited on by a bra.s.s band and the Mayor and more baby's. Mr. Gilley spoke a few wurds and thanked the crowd for their curtesies, and named a few babies. Jest as we was steemin outer the depot, he dropt his red bandanner handkerchef; you'd dide to see them yung gals tumbel over each other and scrambel for it. Before they got it, it was tore all up, in little bits, and most every gal wot got a peece, unb.u.t.toned there jerseys, and stowed it way in there bussums.

Fishkill, like Yungcurs, has got a purty good name, cos it emits a perfume, very surgestive of cleenin fish, wot was fresh wen Preserdent Buckannon was inaugerated.

Mr. Gilley was feelin orful proud of his recepshuns, all long the line, & it warnt till we got to Albany that he found out that the peepel took him for Preserdent Arthur. Then he got orful indignant, & made the air of the cur smell like condensed sulfur gas, the way he swared. He sez his xperience of unkindnesses has been purty big in his lifetime, but that the peepel of New York State shuld take him for his Axerdensy was the gol durndest unkindest cut of all, and he'd be struck by litenin, with a a.s.se's jaw, if he didn't make the furst barber he seen shave them leg-a-mutton sidebords clene off, cos they was bringin his bald hed inter disgrace. Wen we got to Troy we was met by the Centril Committee, and druv round to all the salloons, so as we'd see all the sites, & set em up for the crowd. I heer the band pleyin "See the conqrin hearo comes." I guess the populace is waitin for me, so I'll have to stop ritin now.

CHAPTER XIV.

IMMENSE NTHUSIASM.--SUM POINTERS ON THE TARIFF.--THE OHIO BABY'S.----POOR LITTLE CAST OFF.--THE FALLEN GRATE.

My bussum swells to-nite with pride cos we've tuk the town by storm. If peepel warnt all Demmycrats before, they is now, cos our speechyfyin has struck in purty deep. The meetin was a grand suckcess fizzically, morally, numerrically, and, I guess, votingly.

From the furst, we pollytishuns was received with a perfect ovashun.

Chair after chair rended the air, and the seen was only comparable to the nitely concerts of the tommas cats and there parrymores on the back fences of 42d street.

The silence was so grate you culd of hurd a dudine smile, wen Mr.

Gilley, in answer to a request to say sumthin bout the tariff, sed: "Gentlemen and other Demmercrats, I regret very much that I can not axceed to your request to menshun that all important questshun, the tariff. My hart is reddy to bust with greef wen I think how menney of you listened last Thursday nite to that Republercan demmygog, John Sherman, and was deseeved. I met that gentelman in a hotel in New York the other day. Sum one axed him if he'd sed enything in his Troy speech bout the tariff. 'Yes,' sed he, 'I fed them durn country gallutes with tariff taffy til they was runnin over.' I shall refrane from sayin enythin more on the subject, cos you want to let your stummacks settel again fore you take a nuther emettick." Mr. Gilley finished up his speech, by pointin to the glorious victory in Oio, and urgin the dem-mercrazey to "wurk, wurk, for the day is at hand. Look at Oio. A Republican legislatur begat a baby, & it called it Seccund Amendment Propersishun, it put it up, for the admirashun of the peepel. The demmercrazy had a baby also, it was cristened Wiskey, it grew fat, saucy, & popular. Seccund Amendment Propersishun appared to hav ben a littel too previous, wen it come round, & grew to be a littel, puney, sickley, child. Wot would eny mother have done? Wouldnt she have hired a wet nurse? Did the Republican mother do this? No, gentlemen, not by a long shot she didn't! She got ashamed of the baby, & abandoned it at the dores of the wimmin of Oio, leavin it to them, to bring up on the bottel. This was not all, gentlemen, the hartless mother got jellus, & tride to steel littel Wiskey. But the grate buxom, german frawleen, wot he had for nuss, couldnt see it a tall. Too much bottel. Too much W.

C. T. U. soothin sirrup, & too many wimmin, killed the poor littel cast off, Seccund Amendment Propersishun, and the remanes was berried last Tuesday. Littel Wiskey is growin to be a big & lazy boy, mother & father doin well."

This was too much for the crowd 'cos they got wild with nthusyasm, & shoved us in a carriage, & hauled us all over Troy.

The luv I bare the grand, anshunt, and onherabel partie of the grate unwashed, tempts me to pa.s.s over, the grand finale of todays proceedins.

But my dutie as a chronickler of actooal events, compels me to menshun the fact that after our late drive tonite, the select sircle of pollytishuns, partuk of a banquet, and becom so full of grattytude, sour mash, and old borbon prinsipels, that they are now, down stares, humbly bitin' the dust of the dinin room flure, and confessin there mannyfold sins, & trespa.s.ses, to the open and obligin eers, of half a dozen nickel plated cusspy-dores.

CHAPTER XV.