The Bad Boy At Home Part 2

"By this time our reprysentative was feelin like he'd mistakin his callin, but musterin up courage, he sed:

"'Mr. Perkins, I'm a yung aspyrant for jurnalistic onhers. Can you give sum points on the bizness, wot I culd use to advantage?'

"'Yes, my son, you becher bottom dollar, I can. Alwus bear in mind that the three furst principels of moddern jur-nalism is Prevaricashun, Eggsaggeration, and Magnifycashun. For instance: If Tallmage, in his sermin, sez he b'lieves there's a h.e.l.l, you want to be sure to rite it up thusly: "Rev. Tallmage, havin just returned from a short visit, held his hearers spellbound for a hour, yesterday morning, by his grand and vivid discripshun of the mildness of the climat of a salubrous summer resort" This wuld be a excellent ill.u.s.trashun of Prevaricashun.

"'Eggsaggershun would be like this: If a candydate of the oppersishun treats a fellow to a gla.s.s of beer, you wanter say: The barrel's ben tapped, and fabulous sums are bein expended to inflooence voters, and never forget to hed the artickel Fraud, Corrupshun, and Forgerry.

"'If a six-pound baby comes to one of your subskribers, you warnter size the farther up, and if he's good for twenty-five segars the babys got ter be twelve pounds. If he's good for fifty make it eighteen pounds, and if he sends round a hole box, with the notis, the baby's got to turn into twins. This wuld be a case of magnifycashun. It shos jurnerlistick enterprise. Y, I've known cases where a puny 8-pound boy got to be bouncin triplets, mother and babies doin' well, all cos their papa had cents enuf to send sum wiskey 'long with the segars. Those are the principel points to bare in mind, and if you follow em up rite, you'll become a grate and good jurnerlist. If you ever run short of sensashuns, get on the track of the "mercury" liar and foller him up, till you strike his mine of valuabel infer-mashun.'

"'How long are you goin' to be in the city, Mr. Perkins?'

"'Only a few days. I'm here fixin' up my fenses, and puttin' in a bid for the nommenashun for the Preserdency. I'm orful anxyus to run agin'

Ben Butler.'

"'Is there enything else startlin' that you know, Mr. Perkins?' queried our rep-rysentativ.

"'Yes, but you musn't give it away, cos I'm short on Pullman stok. Do you see this?' said he, holdin' up a peece of cotton, 'bout six inches square. 'Well I come down from Albanie on a sleeper last nite, and this morning I mistook one of the sheets for my hankerchef, and this thing is the sheet, but don't menshun it, cos it'll make the stok jump a foot.'

"'Good mornin', Mr. Perkins, wenever I run short of lies I'll call agen.'"

CHAPTER VIII.

A CONVENSHUN OF THE DUDE DEMMERCRAZEY,--A COUNTRY DELEGAIT.-- THE EDITHER GETS NOMMERNATED FOR GOVERNOR, AND GEORGIE SMOKES A $15,000 SEGAR.

There's something to pay to-day, is wot the edither sed to the casheer tonite, wen I walked up to the desk for my $2 in munney and a bush.e.l.l of gloryfycashun.

Yes, it was to pay all day in town, cos there was a convenshun of the Dude Dem-mercrazey in the Grand Opera House, and the candydates had all the salloons leesed, and war busy servin out free wisky, like they've got in O-i-o.

Mr. Diry, did you ever see a full-bludded Demmercratic delegait from a country village? Well, jist immagin a tall, leen, lank indyvidooal, with long hare, slouch hat, a knoes wot looked like it'd been in collishun with a elderberrie pie, and a sute of cloes wot was bort wen old Father Adam's wardrope of fig leeves was sold out by the Sherruf of Eden county. That is a kyrect pickter of them fellers whose hands is ichin to grab hold of the desternies and post-offisses of Amerika, and if you'll take my advise you won't make no closer investi-gashun, lesn you've got munney nuff to spare to set em up.

The aldermen of the city pa.s.sed a resurlushun closin up the front dores of the s'loons, cos they was frade if they was left open sumthin mite happin wot would hurt the reputashun of the partie in the common hurd wot do the votin. But then the delergates didn't mind circ.u.mventin a bildin, as long as they got a chanse, to circ.u.mvent sum hot stuf wen they got inside.

After dinner, the Convenshun was called to order, and the boss carpenter naled a lot of old seccund hand planks togethur, wot they called a platform. Then the onherabel members, got orful full of 'nthusyasm, cos the nommernashun for Guvner, was in order, jest then my chum jimmy, wots workin for the Districk Telergraf Corn-penny come in, and handed the Cheerman a des.p.a.ch, wot he red out loud. It sed:

Nommernate Joe Gilley, for Guvner, and I'll tap a barrel, Sammy Tilton.

The thots of the barrl was too much for the a.s.sembelled multertude of the grate unwashed, and ther was quietness in the Hall, wile vishuns of wiskey baths, free lunch stands, and clene paper collars, past befor thir eyes. Then ther was a loud cheir, and Joe Gilley wos nommernated by acclamashun. The rest of the ticket was put on the slate, by order of John Kelley, and the delergates adjourned to the _Buster_ offis, were the temperance edittur regaled em, with a demmyjohn of Appel Jack, wot the committee giv him sted of cash, last time he lectured, on Proherbishun, in Hobokin.

Wen the croud was cleered, Mr. Gilley arst me if I know'd the boy wot brung the note. I told him he was my chum, and I'd rote the des.p.a.ch for fun.

Then he shook hands with me, and sed I was smarter 'an chane litenin', and I'd get to be Preserdent sum day, cos I beet all the pollytishuns he ever know'd at wirepulling. Then he thanked me, and give me a cuppel of segars, one for Jimmy and one for me, to call it square. We're goin' to save 'em til to-morrer after dinner, cos it tain't offen boys, like us, get a chanse to smoke $15,000 dollar segars, and these muster cost that, cos the evenin' papers says Mr. Gilley pade $30,000 for the nommernashun.

He's ben most everything but a demmycrat, but he says he guesses he can stummick there docktrins 'til he gets to Albany.

CHAPTER IX.

THE REPORTER INTERVUES A PULITICKEL GOST.--ROS CONKLIN GIVES HIM SUM PRESERDENSHALL POINTERS, AND VANISHES WITH HIS BOTTEL.

Yesterday was Sunday, so I didn't mak no entry, cos the corpse hadn't climaxed.

Jest as we was leavin the offis Sat.u.r.day nite I heerd the city editur tell the purlitickal repertoriai liar that he wanted him to hunt up a purlitickal gost, cos the _Buster_ culdn't afford to let a little one-horsed, two-for-a-cent daily, like the _Times_, have the monopolie of the etheriel spirit act, not by a numerous long site. Bout 10 'clock in the evenin I saw the reporter pa.s.sin our house, on his way to Trinity churchyard, so I run up stairs and borrered one of ma's nite gownds and nite caps, wot she wares wen she's 'mbracin morfeeus. Then I tuk a short-cut down to the seminery. I'd jest got there, and was puttin the last touches to my gostley toilet, wen I seen the reporter comin in the gate. Wen he got purty neer up to were I was I coffed sort o' loud and unearthy like. Well, you'd dide to see him drop his note book and get a fit of Hodeley's shakin malaria. He was jest recoverin and gettin ready to vacate the premises wen I immertated the voice of the feller wot says the long prayers at Oshun grove camp meetin, and sez:

"Young mortel noosepaper man, what warntedst thou, encroachin on the peece and quiet of our last restin place, with thy terrestriel note book?"

"In the name of John Kelley, the omnippetent boss of the New York Demmercrazey, who are you? Speak!" said the reporter.

"Sinse you command me in the name of one of the G.o.ds, I will speak. See this brillyant plumage," sed I, placin my hand where I sit down, "now covered from earthly vue. I am Stalwart Conklin, the stallwart of the Rerpublikan partie, doomed for a sertain time (till '84) to strut arouad on the confines of the perlitickel arena, attended by my humbel page Mctoo."

"Ros, old boy, shake!" sed the reporter, puttia out his baud and givia mine a urthly pull, soon as he found out he warnt talkin to no angel.

"Who's goin to be the coming President?"

"Lissen, and I'll unfold a tail See yonder rooster, all bedecked in gold?" sed I, pointin to the wether vein on top of the _Tribune_ bildin.

"Well, put your hand to it, and you'll behold the man wot my in-flooence is going to carry to the Wite House. If you've got eny spare change, put her up on Winnyfield Skot Hanc.o.c.k, and count Mr. Conklin in Secretarry of State, but don't yer never giv it away, cos I'm play in' a dubbel game. Give us a suck of your bottel, and I'll hie myself thitherward for my nitely game of pennie anty with Genral Grant, who alreddy is awaitin'

me behind yonder cloud of Havannah smoke."

"Hold on, Ros, leve us a smell," sed the reporter, as I shoved the bottel in my pistil pocket, and disserpeered behind a toombstun.

This mornin' the intervue come out in the _Buster_, and the hull corpse of noosgathururs of the other papers is detaled in divishuns to wach all the semerneries in the hope of interviewin' the gost of James G. Blame, and the demmercrazey is wilder with inthusiasm than they was after Fouracres got drownded in wiskey out in Oio.

CHAPTER X.

HE REPORTS A XERDENT WOT HAPPENED TO J. GOULD AND SETS ALL NEW YORK WILD.--XCITE-MENT IN WALL STREET.--JIMMY NERVOUS.-- YOU CAN TELL THEM BY THE COMPANY THEY KEEPS.

I never could see y peepel with good cents don't xercise a little jugement wen they name their baby's, so as fellus like me, wot is a young aspyrant for jurnerlistic ornhers, wouldn't git mixed up on 'em.

Now the citie edittur told me if I ever hurd of any dog fites, or axydents, to report 'em, cos it'd keep me in practise. So this mornin, bout 3 o'clock, we was woke up by a orfull loud poundin on the front dore. Pa thot it was burglers, jest as if they'd nock at the dore if they wanted to c.u.m in and steel. So ma had to go to the winder, and she found out it was Mrs. Gould, that's my chum, Jimmie's mother. She was cryin orful, and wanted ma to come over to her house, cos Jimmy had got the nitemare from etin too much minsepie, and fell outer bed, and she was frade he'd brok his kneck, cos he hadn't spok a wurd sinse. I seen I had a chanse to distinguish myself, so I put on my cloes and run down to the offis. Oll the editturs and reporthers had gone to bed, cos the paper was jest goin to press, so I told the foreman all bout the axerdent wot happinned to J. Gould. He got orful xcited, and sed I orter be promoted, cos it was a splendid item, and we'd be the only paper wot would hav it, and then he got the paper reddy for 50,000 extra coppies.

Wen I went down town after brake-fast I never seed such xcitement; hundreds of peeple was at every street corner reedin' the _Buster_ and discussin' probubillytees of a panic. The noose-boys was coinin' money sellin' our paper, singin' out "All 'bout the axerdent," and showin' the peeple the _Busters_ hedlines, wot red: "Terribel Calamyty! J. Gould, the Ralerode King, Falls Outer Bed and Sustains Fatul Injuries."

The managers of the other noosepapers was orful mad, and maid all the citie reporters hand in their resignashuns, cos they wasn't smart enuf to each the item.

Down in Wall strete there was a reglar pannick. The Beers was jest as happy as they culd be, and most all of 'em maid there fortunes before dinner, cos all the stock went down like led. Jest wen a lot of the bulls was goin' to bust up and pay ther creditturs 5 cents on the dollar, who should walk inter the Xchange but J. Gould himself. You never seen such a surprised crowd enyw'ere; they all thot it was his gost till he 'xplayned that it warn't him wot fell outer bed a tail He sed he know'd he was purty late gettin' down town, but they must 'xcuse him, cos he was kep up purty late, calkin' up a cask of "Western Union Water" wot sprung a leek.

The 'xcitement's beginnin' to ware off now, but you bet the _Buster's_ got a big lot of free advertising and Mr. Giliey warn't a bit mad, wen I 'xplained how it all happened, cos the Wall strete beers is goin' to s'port him for Guv'ner, cos the _Buster's_ made 'em all wrich.

Jimmie's allrite agin; he was only stunned, and he got out of bed in time to get down to the telegraf offis. I feel orful proud of my chum now. I never know'd how much he was valewd before. You see now, Mr.

Diry, wot a boy makes of hisself when he 'sociates with a risin' yung jurnerlist, like yours trooly, Georgie.