The Bad Boy At Home Part 4

IN A TROY HOTEL.----GRAND REVUE AND MILLYTARY DEMONSTRASHUN.--THE ATTAK OF THE LEEGUNS.--HOLESALE DETH AND CONFUSHUN.--THE RECALL.

I feel most too tired to rite in you tonite, Mr. Diry, but I guess I'll tell you wot made me feel so xerted. After the meetin and banquet was over last nite, the cullured gentelman, wot was in attendanse, at the hotel, ushered me up to my room wot was on the skie balconey teer.

[Ill.u.s.tration: I CREP OUTER BED AND LIT THE GAS. ]

I got off my cloes & jumped inter bed, as quick as possibel, cos I was purty well used up. i'd jest got inter a sleep, & was dreemin I was a candydate for Preserdent, on the no-nuthin platform, with Benny Butler hung on the tail of the ticket, wen I was woke up by feelin sumthin like a lectric shock creepin over me. I begun to get scared, cos I felt like I was gettin the seven yares ich, so I crep outer bed & lit the gas.

On xammenashun I found a feerful lot of little wite lumps all over my bodie. Then I looked at the sheets, & a grande site was presented to my vishun. There on a littel knoll, of the fether bed, stood the commander-in-chief, surrounded by his staff, issuin orders. Grouped all round, in regyments, divishuns, & briggades, were comanys of privats in their full dress parade unyform of scarlet. As each regyment defiled pa.s.sed the Commander, the band struck up the Nashunal anthem of:--

"Bite, Brother, bite with keer And do your dutie as a bed buggeer."

The processhun was the most imposin I ever seen. The entire time taken in pa.s.sin a given point was two hours and ten min-nits.

At eggsactly 2:20 a.m., the army formed in a holler square, with the officers in the middel. The high priest then pa.s.sed round them, skatterin insense all over the soldjers, and xhortin them to stand firm, cos vick-torie, glory & spoils was rite within there reech. Then he skattered sum more insense, wot smelt wuss than limb.u.g.g.e.r cheese, all over them.

By this time it was 3 a. m., and I was gettin sumwhat nervus and cold, in my abbreevyated costume, my mercyfull disposishun and other considerations restrayned me from dealin out holesale slorter to the enemy. Wile I was tryin to devise meens to recapture my fortress, without incurrin the risk of a eppydemick, I seen the army form, in five divishuns. The one under Majah Genral Bloodsucker, bein ordered to scale the walls and take a posishun on the ceelin. The other four divishuns to a.s.sume the offensive, and attack me simultaneously on my flanks. Alas for me, too soon, I seen, my mercy had ben illtimed, nothin was left me but to make hasty preperashuns for the defense. Quickly I grabbed the wash basin, and slop bole, and placed each under a leg of my chare.

There was nuthin else in the room, wot I cud use for a mote, in despyration I seized a copy of the New York _Sun, Presbyteeryan Banner_, and a book 'nt.i.tled "Biblikal Reesons Why." Placin the _Sun_ and "Biblikal Reesons Why," under the remainin unprotected legs of my chare, and holdin the _Presbyteeryan Banner_ over my bed with a feendish laff, I mounted my fortyfour cashun, and awated the attack.

The corps on the seelin, under Genral Bludsucker, was ordered to take the inishiativ.

Formin in a compact falanx, the band playin the wile, they simmultaneoushly took the perylus leep, landing rite in the middle of my defense. Poor fellows! they met the fate of many others. Miscalculate the distance they had fallen upon the Funny collum of the _Presbyteeryan Banner_, and its well known soporiffic effects completely overcom them.

Seein the discomfertufe of the Bludsuckers command Genral Robeson advanced, on the dubbel quick, over my N.Y. _Sun_ barrycade. He had almost reeched the leg of my chare, wen urgin his men forward he crossed a line, and rushed rite into deth, yes a suddin and horrybel deth!

Poor fellus! they didnt notis in there hurried adyanse, that they were attemptin to cross a sarcastick and vengeful dubble ledded editorial, on the United States navy, by Charles A. Danamite. The survivors will no dout erect a monument over the remains of there brave and darin comrads, beerin the inskripshun "Dide of broken harts."

Genral Robert Ingersol, seein the destruckshun of Robesons forces, determined to advanse slowly, he had jest scaled the back of my barrycade, and was preparin for a rush, wen his eyes cot site of the t.i.tle of the book. He immejiately sounded the retreet. Biblical Reasons Why was too much for him, and he did not feel like crossin the kasm, and exposin his men to more numerus and hotter perrils.

A counsil of war was then held, and it was decided to get the forces all together, and make one determined effort, to capture my fortress from the see. A half burnt mach was obtained, and a company of soldjers embarked upon it. The ma-sheenary of the transport must of giv out, cos the bote became unmanageable, and its livin freight, seein there hopeless condish-un, joined in singin', "We're goin down to Glory."

By this time, the sun streemin thru the cracks of the curtin, warned the survivors of the approch of day, and a genral recall was sounded, and the entire force retreeted to there impenetrabel fortresses in the cracks of the bedsted, leavin me completely master of the situashun.

Now, Mr. Diry, can you wunder at my feelin sum wot tired after such a xperiense, and a tedjus ride down from Troy? Prap's you may consider me a liar. If you do, you are mistakin, cos every wurd I have rittin in you to nite is the solium truth, without "any prevaricashun, eggsagerashun, or magnifycashun, and besides that, every-bodie wot knoes me, sinse I packed away my petty cotes, will tell you, I'm a littel Georgie Washinton.

CHAPTER XVI.

HE REPORTS A DRY GOODS OPENIN.--A XPENSIV KOSTUM WOT FINDS ITS WAY TO THE STABLISHMENT OF A JURNULISTICK MILLYUN-HAIR.-- FEMMERNINE FEMMERNINITY'S, WITH MICE AS APPENDAGES.--THE NEET THING IN A HAT.

To-day was the grand openin of fall and winter stiles at all the big Dry Goods and Millernery stores. Clara Bell, wot does up that bisness for the _Buster_ had gone and got completely brok up on a 50 dollar bonnet, wot she sed was the cutest little thing she ever seen, so she had to go rite up to Hackensaw, and see if she couldnt squeeze the munny outer her old bachler unkel, wot dotes on her. Mr. Gilley wuld of discharged her ony he'd forgot to pay her sellary up in full for the last six months, so he had to make the best of it, and send me out ter report it in her place.

The followin' is wot'll appear in termorrer mornin's _Buster_:

"The first place our repraysentertiv peramberlated hisself to was Lords & Tailor's. He was met at the dore by a aggressiv dude, to hoom he persented his paist-bord, and who immejeatly put him in charge of a demminutiv casheer, wot scorted him to the maid-up soot department.

This department was feerfully crowded with ladies, wot were pa.s.sin complerments on the dresses.

"The most expensiv soot on exherbishun was 'mported from Paris, and is maid with a red and green pettycote, bilt up together so as it'd look like a checkherbord. Over this pettycote, and runnin down the back, from the waste, in underlatin hills and valley's, wot was formed of a lot of the cheep, two-for-a-cent metrypollytan jurnals, was a skie blu sattin coursage, with a long trane, The front of the skurt was composed of a lot of curlykues, suspended from the sides, louped up in the middle, and maid of illushunairy stuff, so you culd see the pettycote. The hull bisness was blowd up like the upper half of a belloon, ony a little more so. Over all this was a pollynays, with panyers xtendin from the neck, down to the waste line and maid t.i.ter'an durnashun.

"This kostume is the creashun of Wurth, the maskerline millerner, and cost 5 thousand dollars. It was 'mported xpressley for the wife of a up town plummer, but since she sent on her messures, she's been living so high that the steem derrick, wot she bort a purpose, has utterly failed to lace her korsets t.i.te enuf for her to get inter the dress. Wile our representertiv was present, the kostume was purchased by the wife of the milyun-hair editur, of the Sarrytoga _Eagle_ for 48 hundred dollars cash.

"A sweeter'an-a-peech littel dudine, informed us, in reply to our questshuns, that jurseys, would be worn dubbel brested behind. That the regulashun bussel wuld containe at least six New York _Heralds_, covered over with a Texas _Siftins_, for the bennyfit of the occupants of the church pue, in the reer of the warer. That crin-nylines wuld average 4 feet, six inches, in diameter, and wuld be pervided with the new anti-ankel-xposin spiral springs. That basks wuld be cut very low, and filled in with gripher lace. That corsets wuld be pervided with rachets and set screws, to nabel them to be drawn more t.i.tely round the waste.

That owin to the relertiv cheepness of wool, and its qualerty of xpandin, sted of shrinkin, it wuld ntirely tak the place of cotton as a indyspenserble adjunct in making up the fashuneebel wimmin. In reply to our inquisertiv reporters last query, the young ladie blushed way up b'hind her eers, and xclamed: 'Oh, you horrid noosepaper man! Dont chew kno, flutin wil allwas remane in stile?'

"The hoseery department hadn't opened up wen our reporter called, but he was allowed to inspect it. It is in charge of clurks of the male persuashun, cos there sposed to kno better than gurls wot'd look best on the fare purchasers of these indys-penserbel artikels of femmynine apparal. The latest noveltie reprysents a littel mouse, wots crawled bout half way up, and got stuck.

"They are in all cullers, and are desined for weerin in wet & slushy wether. The're called 'Good Xcuse' Stockins, cos they giv the blushin weerer a good xcuse, for not gettin her skurts wet & muddy. The mouse looks orful naturel, and sum of these days, we'll heer of sum gallant corndocktor of the Ell R. R. gettin a kik in his stummik, for grabbin hold of one, wile he labers under the impresshun, that he is re-leevin the fare weerer, of a indyskribeibel aggerney.

"The neet thing in a hat is a littel bunch of yaller & green velvit, surmounted by a derminutiv Tommas cat, wots got his back up, and his tale runnin down the lady's neck. It costs a hundred & fifty dollars, & the lady's, all say its too sweet for anything.

"Wimmin's logic is curius enyway. If there all mashed, so bad, on Tommas cats, Y, in the name of Pennylope Pennyfether, dont they sit up sum moonlite nite, at a back winder, armed with a dubbel barrel shot gun, & slugs? Then they'd get a durn site more'an they'd use in a hull lifetime. This would 'pare to be more senser-abel than payin Lords & Tailor's 150 dollars for a little insignifercant kitten, wot aint cut his eye teeth yet."

CHAPTER XVII.

DUMMIE "ADS"--WARNTED, A WIFE, BY THE RELIGUS EDDITUR.-- THE CLIMAX.--BABYS, BABYS EVERYWERE.--A HORRID RECH.-- EXPLERNASHUNS AND PACIFERCASHUNS, WITH A TWENTY-FIVE CENTER AS DESERT.

Since the big reduckshun in price of the mornin papers, them wot didnt c.u.m down much hav ben usin all sorts of skeems to keep up their circulashuns, so yesterday Mr. Gilley desided to run a cuppel of collums of free wanted advertisin. To start the ball a rollin, he maid me rite off a lot of dummie wants. I put in most everything I culd think of, from the soft and luvin pursernel to the big & clumsy steem engine.

Wen I got down to the oflfis this mornin there was a orful crowd of wimmin on Park Row, all ranged along the edge of the pavement, with bout a hundred extra purlice keepin them in singel file. I couldn't for the life of me imagine wot was up, till I went up steers and seen the per-sesshun filin in and out the religus edittur's offis dores. Then I remembered the advertis.e.m.e.nt I rote, wot red like this:

"Warnted, a rotund, bucksom, good-lookin and good-natured madin, suiterbel for a wife. One wot knowes enuf to put on stile & run a fashernable stablishment. Apply urley at this offis, to the religus edittur."

Now, our religus edittur is purty sweet on wimmin enyway, so he tuk it all in good part, and kissed and hugged every one of em, tellin em he'd let em kno by letter, wen he'd made his choice. They kep swarmin in all the mornin, til you'd thot all the wimmin in New York was warntin a man. Bout 11 o'clock we all notissed sumthing shut out the lite of the doreway, purty soon it turn'd round and c.u.m in sideways and sung out, "Oh, were! Oh, were! is the bloomin boy wot warnts a rotund, buxom madin for his wife?" Then we all tumbeled that she was the Bowry Museum fat woman, so I pointed to the Religus Edittur. Then she grabbed him up in her arms, and squeezed him, till you could heer his ribs snappin. Wen he got black in the face she thot she'd made a mistake, in the man, and seized hold of Mr. Gilley, so I remembered it was gettin on towards dinner time. At the dore of the offis I met the quire singer in the little Church Round the Corner, wot the Religus Edittur's ngaged to, and she tole me to tell him he was a horrid rech, and she was goin to sue him for breech of promis, so she was.

On my way hum to dinner, the manergin edittur overtuk me, and laffed and sed that was a purty good joke I'd fixed up on the religus edittur. I told him I didnt meen nothin by it enyway, cos I didnt xpect eny gurl'd think he was good lookin enuf to marry him.

Now our mannergin edittur jest got marreed last week, and hee's bordin at the Metrypollytan hotel. Just fore we got there he giv me a ten-center, and sed, thats for the laff him and his wife'd hav wen he tole her bout the joke.

I guess he got all the laffin he wanted, cos he'd no sooner got inter the hotel dore, before every man, woman, and child run up to him, and tride to giv him a baby, wot they sed was his. Baby's was lyin round permiskusly, all over the desks, floors, and barroom. The rooms, up stairs, was chock full of baby's. Xtra cots was lade out in the halls, and every cot, had half a dozen baby's on to it, and every baby had a card pinned on its does, wot red:--Tom Wilson, Susie Wilson, Paddy Wilson, Biddy Wilson, and every Wilson you could think of. Eight pages of the reges-ter was filled with there names, and every page was hedded with the Editturs own name, John Wilson, Father.

Wen he got to his own room, he found his wife cryin, lik her heart was brok. Soon as she cot site of him she let out a shreek wot brot everybodie in the hotel to there room, and sung out: "John Wilson youre a monsteer, youre a vaggerbone, youre a rech, youre a inferrnus skoundrel. Take me back to my mama, rite away, and if youve got a spark of manhood about you, you'll go and make wot little restertushin you can, to the mothers of these wurse than orfans."

Quicker'an litenin, Mr. Wilson tumbelled, and laffin a fiendish grin, he sung out in axcents wild: "Get me a Gatlin Gun, and lode it down to the mussle with thirty-leven charges of dannymite, and let me get a shot, at that incorragerbel imp of Haydes, the _Buster's_ Devil."

Then carmin down a littel, he took this mornins paper outen his pocket and red out loud to the crowd: "Wanted; a fine, helthy infant for adopshun. No questshuns ast. Leeve it at the Metrypolytan hotel for John Wilson, mannergin edittur _Daily Buster_."

This put everybodie in good humer agen, and, after settin up the drinks for the crowd, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson went out to the country to hire a farm and sum wimmin to take care of the baby's till homes culd be secured for 'em.

I guess him and his wife's sickened on baby's enyway, cos I hurd him tellin the hotel clurk that they'd had all the baby's round them that they'd ever have, by gumbo.

And now, Mr. Diry, I must close for to-nite, cos I've got to smoke the 25-center wot the religus edittur giv me for the laff he'd had outer my joke on Mr. Wilson.

CHAPTER XVIII.