The Alchemist Part 14

1 NEI. Beside other gallants.

3 NEI. Sailors' wives.

4 NEI. Tobacco men.

5 NEI. Another Pimlico!

LOVE. What should my knave advance, To draw this company? he hung out no banners Of a strange calf with five legs to be seen, Or a huge lobster with six claws?

6 NEI. No, sir.

3 NEI. We had gone in then, sir.

LOVE. He has no gift Of teaching in the nose that e'er I knew of. You saw no bills set up that promised cure Of agues, or the tooth-ach?

2 NEI. No such thing, sir!

LOVE. Nor heard a drum struck for baboons or puppets?

5 NEI. Neither, sir.

LOVE. What device should he bring forth now? I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment: 'Pray G.o.d he have not kept such open house, That he hath sold my hangings, and my bedding! I left him nothing else. If he have eat them, A plague o' the moth, say I! Sure he has got Some bawdy pictures to call all this ging! The friar and the nun; or the new motion Of the knight's courser covering the parson's mare; Or 't may be, he has the fleas that run at tilt Upon a table, or some dog to dance. When saw you him?

1 NEI. Who, sir, Jeremy?

2 NEI. Jeremy butler? We saw him not this month.

LOVE. How!

4 NEI. Not these five weeks, sir.

6 NEI. These six weeks at the least.

LOVE. You amaze me, neighbours!

5 NEI. Sure, if your worship know not where he is, He's slipt away.

6 NEI. Pray G.o.d, he be not made away.

LOVE. Ha! it's no time to question, then.

[KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.]

6 NEI. About Some three weeks since, I heard a doleful cry, As I sat up a mending my wife's stockings.

LOVE. 'Tis strange that none will answer! Didst thou hear A cry, sayst thou?

6 NEI. Yes, sir, like unto a man That had been strangled an hour, and could not speak.

2 NEI. I heard it too, just this day three weeks, at two o'clock Next morning.

LOVE. These be miracles, or you make them so! A man an hour strangled, and could not speak, And both you heard him cry?

3 NEI. Yes, downward, sir.

Love, Thou art a wise fellow. Give me thy hand, I pray thee. What trade art thou on?

3 NEI. A smith, an't please your worship.

LOVE. A smith! then lend me thy help to get this door open.

3 NEI. That I will presently, sir, but fetch my tools -- [EXIT.]

1 NEI. Sir, best to knock again, afore you break it.

LOVE [KNOCKS AGAIN]. I will.

[ENTER FACE, IN HIS BUTLER'S LIVERY.]

FACE. What mean you, sir?

1, 2, 4 NEI. O, here's Jeremy!

FACE. Good sir, come from the door.

LOVE. Why, what's the matter?

FACE. Yet farther, you are too near yet.

LOVE. In the name of wonder, What means the fellow!

FACE. The house, sir, has been visited.

LOVE. What, with the plague? stand thou then farther.

FACE. No, sir, I had it not.

LOVE. Who had it then? I left None else but thee in the house.

FACE. Yes, sir, my fellow, The cat that kept the b.u.t.tery, had it on her A week before I spied it; but I got her Convey'd away in the night: and so I shut The house up for a month -- LOVE. How!

FACE. Purposing then, sir, To have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar, And have made it sweet, that you shou'd ne'er have known it; Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir.

LOVE. Breathe less, and farther off! Why this is stranger: The neighbours tell me all here that the doors Have still been open -- FACE. How, sir!

LOVE. Gallants, men and women, And of all sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock here In threaves, these ten weeks, as to a second Hogsden, In days of Pimlico and Eye-bright.

FACE. Sir, Their wisdoms will not say so.

LOVE. To-day they speak Of coaches and gallants; one in a French hood Went in, they tell me; and another was seen In a velvet gown at the window: divers more Pa.s.s in and out.

FACE. They did pa.s.s through the doors then, Or walls, I a.s.sure their eye-sights, and their spectacles; For here, sir, are the keys, and here have been, In this my pocket, now above twenty days: And for before, I kept the fort alone there. But that 'tis yet not deep in the afternoon, I should believe my neighbours had seen double Through the black pot, and made these apparitions! For, on my faith to your worship, for these three weeks And upwards the door has not been open'd.

LOVE. Strange!

1 NEI. Good faith, I think I saw a coach.

2 NEI. And I too, I'd have been sworn.

LOVE. Do you but think it now? And but one coach?

4 NEI. We cannot tell, sir: Jeremy Is a very honest fellow.

FACE. Did you see me at all?

1 NEI. No; that we are sure on.

2 NEI. I'll be sworn o' that.

LOVE. Fine rogues to have your testimonies built on!

[RE-ENTER THIRD NEIGHBOUR, WITH HIS TOOLS.]

3 NEI. Is Jeremy come!

1 NEI. O yes; you may leave your tools; We were deceived, he says.

2 NEI. He has had the keys; And the door has been shut these three weeks.

3 NEI. Like enough.

LOVE. Peace, and get hence, you changelings.

[ENTER SURLY AND MAMMON.]

FACE [ASIDE]. Surly come! And Mammon made acquainted! they'll tell all. How shall I beat them off? what shall I do? Nothing's more wretched than a guilty conscience.

SUR. No, sir, he was a great physician. This, It was no bawdy-house, but a mere chancel! You knew the lord and his sister.

MAM. Nay, good Surly. -- SUR. The happy word, BE RICH -- MAM. Play not the tyrant. -- SUR. "Should be to-day p.r.o.nounced to all your friends." And where be your andirons now? and your bra.s.s pots, That should have been golden flagons, and great wedges?

MAM. Let me but breathe. What, they have shut their doors, Methinks!

SUR. Ay, now 'tis holiday with them.

MAM. Rogues, [HE AND SURLY KNOCK.] Cozeners, impostors, bawds!

FACE. What mean you, sir?

MAM. To enter if we can.

FACE. Another man's house! Here is the owner, sir: turn you to him, And speak your business.

MAM. Are you, sir, the owner?

LOVE. Yes, sir.

MAM. And are those knaves within your cheaters!

LOVE. What knaves, what cheaters?

MAM. Subtle and his Lungs.

FACE. The gentleman is distracted, sir! No lungs, Nor lights have been seen here these three weeks, sir, Within these doors, upon my word.

SUR. Your word, Groom arrogant!

FACE. Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper, And know the keys have not been out of my hands.

SUR. This is a new Face.

FACE. You do mistake the house, sir: What sign was't at?

SUR. You rascal! this is one Of the confederacy. Come, let's get officers, And force the door.

LOVE. 'Pray you stay, gentlemen.

SUR. No, sir, we'll come with warrant.

MAM. Ay, and then We shall have your doors open.

[EXEUNT MAM. AND SUR.]

LOVE. What means this?

FACE. I cannot tell, sir.

I NEI. These are two of the gallants That we do think we saw.

FACE. Two of the fools! Your talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir, I think the moon has crazed 'em all. -- [ASIDE.] O me, [ENTER KASTRIL.] The angry boy come too! He'll make a noise, And ne'er away till he have betray'd us all.

KAS [KNOCKING]. What rogues, bawds, slaves, you'll open the door, anon! Punk, c.o.c.katrice, my suster! By this light I'll fetch the marshal to you. You are a wh.o.r.e To keep your castle -- FACE. Who would you speak with, sir?

KAS. The bawdy doctor, and the cozening captain, And puss my suster.

LOVE. This is something, sure.

FACE. Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.