The 4-Hour Body Part 29

The anxiety wasn't necessary. I had nearly tripled my motile sperm per e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e. The numbers were almost unbelievable:

e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e volume: 44% increaseMotile sperm per milliliter: 100% increaseMotile sperm per e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e: 185% increase I let out one of the longest exhales of my life as I looked at the lab test fax. The trend had reversed.

Can I attribute these increases to removing the cell phone and nothing else? It isn't quite that easy. I also started cold treatments and supplemental selenium (Brazil nuts), both of which could have contributed, the latter more likely than the former. Do I care about the academic purity? No. I was more concerned with increasing sperm count than isolating variables. Even with two confounding variables, the experiment is directionally valid.

Should you wait for a scientific consensus? I don't think so. This is a case where the current literature is strong enough, and the inconvenience minimal enough, to not wait for doctor's orders.

It can't hurt you, and it might get your swim team off the bench and back in the game.

If you want kids someday, consider yourself warned.

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I never thought I'd visit a sperm bank.

Perhaps it was flipping a motorcycle at 90 miles per hour on Infineon Raceway.

Perhaps it was tearing my Achilles tendon in jiu-jitsu practice, then getting thrown on my head.

Maybe having my scuba mask fill with blood at 120 feet underwater in Belize?

That could have done it.

Or perhaps it was just crossing the 30-year age threshold and having friends who didn't make it. Suicide, 9/11, accidents-bad things happen to good people.

I came to realize then: it's really not that hard to die. And that's when I started thinking about storing my genetic material.

Yes, my little swimmies.

In this sidebar, I'll talk about the process, how I did it, and why it's cheap insurance in an unpredictable world. I'll also throw in some curious details (s.e.xy time!) just for entertainment.

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Doing the research, the pros far outweigh the cons:

1. Men are becoming progressively infertile. Go munch on some soy crisps for a mouthful of phytoestrogens, or just stick with preservatives. It's hard to avoid t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e-unfriendly food and toxins. Talk to endocrinologists who do clinical a.n.a.lysis and also get your sperm count measured. It is probably less than your dad's. Real-world Go munch on some soy crisps for a mouthful of phytoestrogens, or just stick with preservatives. It's hard to avoid t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e-unfriendly food and toxins. Talk to endocrinologists who do clinical a.n.a.lysis and also get your sperm count measured. It is probably less than your dad's. Real-world Children of Men Children of Men (for men) is in full effect. (for men) is in full effect.

2. Many medical conditions and procedures (cancer treatment, for example) can render men infertile.

3. People who "know" they don't want kids change their minds. A lot. Just look at the number of vasectomy reversal procedures. And no, these procedures do not work well. Failure rates are high.

4. Above all, why not not do it? do it? If you can afford it, it's a no-brainer for peace of mind. The potential downside of doing it (cost) is recoverable; the potential downside of not doing it is irreversible. If you can afford it, it's a no-brainer for peace of mind. The potential downside of doing it (cost) is recoverable; the potential downside of not doing it is irreversible.

Think it's easy to get someone pregnant? Sometimes. Most of the time, after looking at the numbers, it seems surprisingly hit-or-miss.

To be clear, I think adoption is a beautiful thing. I just also want to have children who look like me, and I see no reason not to ensure both can happen. I want Mama Ferriss to be Grandmama Ferriss at some point, even if my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es check out before I do. Call me old-fashioned.

Is this ego-driven? On some level, of course it is. But so is owning a home or having a decent car, wearing clothing besides what will keep you warm, and doing anything past the base necessities for survival. Humans are ego-driven. I'm human, ergo I'm ego-driven.

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1. FIND A SPERM STORAGE FACILITY.

Google "sperm storage," "sperm bank," or "sperm donor," along with your state or city.

2. MAKE AN INITIAL APPOINTMENT AND GET TESTED FOR INFECTIOUS DISEASES.

Most reputable locations will require testing for common STDs prior to storage. I was tested for: HIV 1 & 2HTLV I & IIRPR (for syphilis, Al Capone's farewell song)HCV (for hepat.i.tis C)HBsAG and HBcAB (for hepat.i.tis B) Cost of initial consult: $100150 Cost of STD lab panel: $150200

It's a romantic first date. And yes, I cleared with flying colors.

3. WARM UP YOUR WRISTS AND GET BUSY. SIX SESSIONS PER KID.

Think it's "one shot, one kill," macho man? Think again. You're no Peter North, and even if you were, 50%+ of your sperm count is annihilated by the freezing process.

You should make six sperm deposits for each child you'd like to have. It can take over eight months for a woman to get pregnant with insemination, although in vitro fertilization (IVF) ups the chances somewhat at much higher cost, generally $9,00012,000 per attempt.

Oh, and forget about abstaining for long periods of time, oddly enough.

For best storage and later fertilization, abstain from e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n for at least 48 hours but no more than three days (72 hours) before each session. It's a tight window. More than four days and dead sperm cells begin to acc.u.mulate and cause trouble, as you need a certain ratio of live sperm to dead sperm per 1 cubic centimeter (cc) of volume. I scheduled one deposit every fourth morning: e.g., Monday, 10:00 A A.M.; Friday, 10:00 A A.M.; Tuesday, 10:00 A A.M., etc.

Cost per sample frozen: $150200 ( 6 = $9001,200 per potential kid) 4. STORE ALL THE SUSPENDED SWIMMIES SOMEWHERE SAFE.

This is usually handled by the facility that did the initial freezing. This is also where the credit card comes out.

Cost per year: $300600 (often for all samples) [image]

So, cover the baby's ears. I'm going to tell you something stunning and disgusting. Something you probably don't want to hear. Ready? Most guys like p.o.r.nography. And Santa Claus doesn't exist.

I'm sorry.

Here's how the storage facility website sells the "donation" process:

He [the donor/storer] is then shown to a private room where he can collect his specimen in a provided sterile cup.

About as s.e.xy as lethal injection, right?

Well, upon arrival, there were surprises in store. I was led to a cornucopia of p.o.r.n DVDs around a secret corner. Right in front of a bunch of female lab technicians looking awkward. There was something for everyone in this motley selection. Blind juggler fetish? It would've been there. No expense was spared in covering all bases.

I grabbed a few t.i.tles (I'll spare you the names) and headed to a small white room with a sliding door. I followed the lead of a quiet male Asian a.s.sistant in a white lab coat. He looked at his feet and departed with "Please wash your hands when you finish." I didn't expect a call the next day.

The den of clinical sin was about the size of a hotel bathroom, with a paper sheetcovered cot on the floor (yeah, baby!), a metal chair, a 13 TV/DVD combo on a small stool, and a stack of magazines suspiciously adhered to one another.

So I sat down, still quite content and ready to do my duty. For once, I could think of solo time as a productive activity! I enthusiastically popped in the DVD, sat down to get relaxed, and then...my brain got sodomized.

See, I live in San Francisco, and, well, there are a lot of "alternative" s.e.xual orientations. It also happens, sad times for Tim Ferriss, that Mr. Wash-Your-Hands was not good at matching DVDs to their cases.

Within seconds of sitting down, I'd come to the realization that this room, with paper sheets in all their glory, had been used by hundreds of other donors. That alone required me to enter a state of focus reserved for Olympians and Iron Chef compet.i.tors. Then I turn on the DVD and see two hairy boys doing something resembling wrestling. But not wrestling.

Second DVD, same story. Third time was the charm, but I was already suppressing so many images and realities that it was like bending a spoon with my mind to get done what every guy has mastered by age 12.

Ah, Mr. Wash-Your-Hands. We will meet again, and I shall give you a judo chop.

Mentally prepare, gentlemen. It won't be as easy as you think. These are tough, dangerous times. Good times to save your swimmies as cheap insurance.

And don't forget to wash your hands.

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TOOLS AND TRICKS.

InCase Sports Armband Pro (www.fourhourbody.com/armband) This is the neoprene armband I used for holding my cell phone. Though designed for the iPod Touch, it's large enough to hold BlackBerries, iPhones, and most other pocket microwaves. This is the neoprene armband I used for holding my cell phone. Though designed for the iPod Touch, it's large enough to hold BlackBerries, iPhones, and most other pocket microwaves.

Pong Case for iPhone (www.fourhourbody.com/pong) This is the only case that's been tested in FCC- certified laboratories and proven to reduce your iPhone's radiation to a third of what it would be without the case, all while maintaining signal strength. If you have to keep your cell phone in your pocket, this will help minimize the damage, but I still suggest "off" around the twins. This is the only case that's been tested in FCC- certified laboratories and proven to reduce your iPhone's radiation to a third of what it would be without the case, all while maintaining signal strength. If you have to keep your cell phone in your pocket, this will help minimize the damage, but I still suggest "off" around the twins.

The Disappearing Male, CBC Doc.u.mentary (www.fourhourbody.com/disappearing) This no-cost download of This no-cost download of The Disappearing Male The Disappearing Male is about one of the most important, and least publicized, issues facing the human species: the toxic threat to the male reproductive system. Frightening and required viewing. is about one of the most important, and least publicized, issues facing the human species: the toxic threat to the male reproductive system. Frightening and required viewing.

Sperm Bank Directories Find a bank or storage facility in your area using the below websites, or use Google to search for "sperm storage or bank or donor" in combination with your city and state names. or storage facility in your area using the below websites, or use Google to search for "sperm storage or bank or donor" in combination with your city and state names.

www.spermbankdirectory.com www.spermcenter.com/sperm_bank_listings Fertility Clinic Directories Society for a.s.sisted Reproductive Technology (www.sart.org/find_frm.html, site compatible with BlackBerries and iPhones)"Local Doctors, Physicians, and Surgeons Directory" (www.healthgrades.com/local-doctors-directory)Fertility Journey, "Fertility Clinic Locator" (www.fourhourbody.com/fertility)Find a Fertility Clinic (www.findafertilityclinic.com) "s.e.m.e.n a.n.a.lysis," WebMD (www.fourhourbody.com/s.e.m.e.n-a.n.a.lysis) Further reading on the process of s.e.m.e.n a.n.a.lysis (e.g., what medications and conditions can affect your s.e.m.e.n). Further reading on the process of s.e.m.e.n a.n.a.lysis (e.g., what medications and conditions can affect your s.e.m.e.n).

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End of Chapter Notes 17. Most of the studies performed in the United States that conclude no negative effect are funded either directly or indirectly (as with many IEEE studies) by cell phone manufacturers and carriers. Does this prove malfeasance? No, but it should raise a red flag. Most of the studies performed in the United States that conclude no negative effect are funded either directly or indirectly (as with many IEEE studies) by cell phone manufacturers and carriers. Does this prove malfeasance? No, but it should raise a red flag.

PERFECTING SLEEP.

ENGINEERING THE PERFECT NIGHT'S SLEEP Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking.-Clifton Fadiman, former chief editor, Simon & Schuster "G.o.d, what a beautiful beach. Calm. Translucent turquoise water. I should really go back to Thailand. I wonder what time it is in Thailand. But...why is there a mangy German shepherd on my beach? Orange collar. That makes no sense. Kind of looks like John's dog. Actually, I owe John a call. F*ck. Did I put his birthday party in the calendar? Birthdays and clowns. Clowns?! Why the h.e.l.l am I thinking about clowns?!?"

And so my internal monologue continues until 3:00, 4:00, or even 6:00 A.M A.M., rotating through images, ideas, commitments, anxieties, and fantasies.

This mental slide show is combined with perverse sleep yoga: sometimes the twisted- into-a-pretzel posture, sometimes lying on my back like Dracula in mock-paralysis, and always ending in the fetal position with a pillow or arm between my knees. Fetal position never works, but I continue to try it, like a full-bladdered dog scratching at a door that never opens.

I have insomnia. Horrific "onset" insomnia.

My father and my brother are the same. It's not because we're stressed out, necessarily, it's not because we're not tired. It's because we just can't freaking fall asleep.

So, in the interest of finally getting a good night's rest and helping others with insomnia, I tried everything from folk remedies to smart drugs, from light therapy to fat loading.

Now I can say that I had had chronic insomnia. chronic insomnia.

The Hidden Third of Life Is good sleep a simple matter of length, the longer the better?

If you've ever needed a nap after sleeping too much, you know it isn't that simple. Let's look at the problem through an easier question: what is bad sleep?

* Taking too long to get to sleep ("onset" insomnia, my major problem)* Waking too often throughout the night ("middle" insomnia)* Waking too early and being unable to get back to sleep ("terminal" insomnia)

The challenge for a self-tracker is measuring things when drooling into a pillow. I could record the times when I got into bed and when I woke up, but I couldn't pinpoint when I fell asleep, much less what happened while asleep.