Suckers. Part 26

After much consideration, and at the urging of my wife, I have come to the decision that I cannot continue writing the story of my encounter with Harry McGlade. As you'll recall, I was initially very reluctant to involve myself in this project for numerous reasons, all of them variations on "Harry McGlade is a cretin."

Your suggestion that we alternate chapters every few pages was a good one. That made the story a collaboration without actually forcing me to "collaborate" with him. And while I certainly had some issues with what he'd written, I figured that they weren't worth fighting over. Readers know what "rings true," and as long as the inaccuracies were kept in Harry's segments, it was fine.

I was even willing to continue the project after he completely made up a conversation just to make me look stupid. I did not engage in a cruel dialogue with a dying man about his wife's new lover. It simply didn't happen. But I was willing to forgive even that, provided that I got a chance to include a reb.u.t.tal in my own segment.

Now things have gone too far. Harry McGlade has resorted to rewriting my chapter to include a painfully juvenile comment about smelling people's b.u.t.ts. Was it funny? Sure, if you're six. Whether McGlade actually intended his "rewrite" to be included in the final product or if he was just trying to annoy me, the simple fact remains that I cannot work with the man.

I would like to return my advance and cancel this project.

Yours truly,

Andrew Mayhem

Harry,

Just got a troublesome e-mail from Mayhem. Says you're being a d.i.c.k. Stop it or you don't get paid.

Sincerely,

Chad

Chaddie,

If Andy likes to smell peoples' b.u.t.ts, I say we should let him. Who are we to judge?

Love,

Harry

Harry,

Listen, guy, you know I'm your biggest fan, but Andrew is really upset about the whole situation, and he's prepared to walk. Even though we could finish it without him, I can't have him badmouthing the project to the press.

Behave. For me.

Chad * * *

Chadster,

Oooooooh, is the whiny tattletale going to say mean things about me to Katie Couric? You know, Mayhem isn't so easy to get along with, either. He's so caught up on 'getting the details right' that he's watering down the story. People don't care about the truth, Chad. They want s.e.x and violence and big laughs, like that Ben Stiller movie where he got his nuts caught in his zipper.

Believe me, my heart weeps for that disemboweled Horace Smith guy. But this isn't a police report. This is true crime. It needs to have zing and zip. We owe it to the victims of this tragedy to tell their story in a way that sells the most copies.

I vote we fire Andy's a.s.s and let me collaborate with that chick writer who knew Ted Bundy. You know, Ann somebody, the one who does all those books, wrote The Stranger Who Boffed Me or whatever it was called. The movie had Mark Harmon in it. Google her.

Love & Spankies,

Harry

Andrew "Narc" Mayhem, TATTLETALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Harry * * *

Harry,

Andrew forwarded me the e-mail you just sent to him. I'm being totally serious now: I will cancel this project if you two can't learn to work together, and you will be responsible for paying back the advance, as per your contract.

Do you want to remain a second fiddle to Jacqueline Daniels all your life?

Finish up the story. Stop acting like a jacka.s.s.

Yours truly,

Chad

Chadmeister-

Maybe you forgot who dropped this sweet project right into your lap. You think I didn't have publishers calling me up and begging for the exclusive rights? Sure, you offered fat bank, but you also promised that I could tell my story, my way.

Now you're suddenly all buddy-buddy with the b.u.t.t sniffer, threatening to take back money that you know I already spent on ma.s.sage therapy.

You want to play hardball? Fine. How do you think your bosses will feel when they hear you've screwed up this deal? Think you'll get a big promotion? Or think you'll be back in the mailroom, stuffing Xeroxed rejection letters into slush pile SASEs?

Look, I'm a reasonable guy. If you call me up in the next twenty minutes and beg my forgiveness, I'll try my best to play nice with Mayhem.

But you also have to call up Bunny m.u.f.fin's Personal Ma.s.sage a.s.sistants on Halsted, and tell them to send Candi over, on your dime. You've made me all tense.

And make sure it's Candi with an "i". They have a Candy with a "y" there, and I'm not into that weirdo enema stuff.

Kisses,

Harry

P.S.: On second thought, send them both.