Social Life Part 58

A habit of repose will save from many a blunder. When a man, one does not remember, plunges into a conversation, the habit of repose enables one to keep an unmoved and quiet demeanor until something is said that will "place" him. To be in a hurry to speak is to betray oneself, and embarra.s.sment ensues on both sides.

This command of quiet is also a protection against tiresome, talkative, people. It enables one to preserve an air of kindly attention, while one's thoughts, free and untrammeled, roam at their own sweet will, drifting back just in time to utter an appreciative affirmative, or negative.

A Good Listener.

This repose of manner is a boon to the shy and awkward man, who, under its influence, actually acquires some confidence in himself, which is simply impossible when he is bombarded with a volley of vivacious conversation.

Learn to be a good listener, a sympathetic and interested listener, and the majority of people will p.r.o.nounce you "interesting." If the partner a.s.signed you at a dinner party seems to have no topic in common with your thought, strive to find out what does interest him; a few skillful questions, and he is launched on a tide of talk, at his ease, even brilliant, and all that is needed on your part is to appear interested. Whether you understand the subject, or care for it, is another question; you have established your place in that man's estimation, and he will ever thereafter have a word of praise when your name is mentioned.

There are women who are themselves not fluent, and who enjoy being talked to, to be spared the trouble of "making conversation." With these women it is the ready talker who finds favor. But there is another cla.s.s of women quite as large who love to talk, and to them the good listener is welcome; therefore, let the man who wishes to talk choose his audience with discretion.

Madame Recamier liked to be talked to, and was so sympathetic a listener that the careful student of her times is forced to conclude that was one of the chiefest of her charms, but he would have been a bold man who would have interrupted the flow of Madame de Stael's eloquence.

Men are less inclined to certain forms of etiquette than women. Not that they would be less polite, but, as a rule, they do not attach so much importance to the little niceties of life, and they are too p.r.o.ne to lack in certain courtesies which a society man should practice.

How Men are Spoiled.

This process of spoiling begins with the mothers, and ends with the young women. Women pride themselves upon being independent, and the result is that the men naturally fall back and let them wait upon themselves. Women take the lead, women plan entertainments and excursions, women tolerate neglect, and all of this spoils the men. Be a woman first and last, and exact all these little courtesies for the sake of your s.e.x.

Says a well-known lady: "I remember a thing that impressed me very much, and made me ashamed of my own sons whom I have always waited upon, I am sorry to say. We had as guests a gentleman, wife and son, the latter about thirteen. In the morning there was a parade; the gentleman and his wife went, while I stayed at home with another relative. The boys came in to luncheon, and then as I was going up-town, Harry, our visitor, put up his wheel, brushed his clothes, and announced that he was ready to escort me. I a.s.sured him that we did not need him, to run along with the other boys, but he would not hear of it. He opened the gates, carried my umbrella, and stayed with me until he saw me safe at home. I complimented him to his mother, but she a.s.sured me that he would never have thought of doing anything else, for when the father could not accompany her, Harry had been taught to do so. I had always a.s.sured my boys that I could take care of myself, but I wish now I had made them take care of me."

GENERAL ETIQUETTE.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

This chapter is devoted to the gathering up of the fragments that remain from all the other departments that cannot be rigidly cla.s.sified, and yet are useful to remember.

There are many minute points of etiquette which, although not extremely important, often serve as a source of embarra.s.sment to uninitiated persons, and upon which information that can be relied upon is desired.

Who Bows First?

Whether the lady or gentleman should bow first is a point where many differ. That the lady should bow first, most authorities agree in declaring. This acts as a safeguard to a lady, permitting her to drop an undesirable acquaintance, as a failure to bow would be considered the "cut direct." But some ladies are forgetful of faces, and some are near-sighted, thus preventing ready recognition of others; so that, while this custom might apply to introductions given at a ball, still, a bow hurts no one, and an undesirable acquaintance is easily dropped without this rudeness. Hence it would seem that, whichever one recognizes first, the other ought to have the privilege of bowing without breaking this social law, which is better observed in the spirit than in the letter.

"Lady" or "Gentleman?"

These terms have come to be used so continuously, and sometimes so meaninglessly that they bid fair to crowd out the sweet, strong words, "man" and "woman," and a revulsion of taste has swept in that goes nigh in some "sets" to utterly swamp the "lady" and "gentleman."

Either extreme is a mistake.

There is a right and wrong use of these terms; for example, one says to one's servants, or to one's children, "I expect some ladies to visit me to-morrow," while later, referring to them in conversation with a friend, one may say, "they are women of exquisite culture." A matron may speak of young ladies as "girls," but if she be not intimate, "young ladies," is more usual, or she may address them collectively as "young women."

Misuse of the Term "Lady."

The term "lady" has been more abused than that of "gentleman." The words "fore-lady," "sales-lady," "wash-lady," have rendered it ludicrous when one thinks of contrasting it with the terms, happily never used, of "fore-gentleman," "sales-gentleman," etc.

Formal consideration asks "if the ladies are at home," and refined custom requires it. But to express the graces and endowments of a woman, it is her womanliness that is emphasized. "She is a gracious, sweet-tempered, kindly woman." The same distinction applies to the use of the term "gentleman," or "man."

Says one writer, giving some examples of the use of these words: "A polite host would say, 'The men are looking for some ladies who would enjoy a game of tennis,' or, 'I can promise the young ladies a pleasant time, for there will be a great many dancing men present.'

One gentleman says to another, in expressing his admiration, Miss Blank is my ideal of a lovely and lovable woman' (he does not say 'lady'), but in the same breath he may add, 'Let us join the ladies (not 'women') on the balcony.'"

One should always say "she is such a sweet old lady," rather than "she is such a sweet old woman."

Much might be said in this regard, but after all, exact discrimination of the proper term at the proper time must be left somewhat to the personal judgment of each man and woman.

The leading business and professional men owe their success, in great measure, to their graciousness in business manners. It is well, from many points of view, to form the habit of treating all, rich and poor, men and women, with uniform courtesy. The pleasant business man draws the largest custom. The polite professional man secures the best clientage.

Pay bills and drafts promptly, or else explain satisfactorily to your creditor when you will be able to meet the obligation. If your word has always been as good as your bond, in nine cases out of ten he will grant the extension of time desired.

Keep appointments to the moment. If unable to do so, send a messenger to explain. Finish your business promptly and then leave. Time is money. Never misrepresent goods, nor allow others in your employ so to do.

Enclose a stamped envelope for reply when asking for information that is to benefit yourself solely. Answer letters of inquiry promptly. Do not display curiosity in regard to business matters that do not concern you, nor try to examine the books or private papers of another. Be polite to all employes. They will give much better service.

Business Forms are always useful, hence we furnish some that are in constant use:

A Promissory Note.

$300.

CHICAGO, Ill., November 5, 189-.

Ninety days after date I promise to pay to Charles Chapman, or order, at the Second National Bank, Three Hundred Dollars, value received.

MARTIN VOORHEES.

If it is intended to draw interest that should be added, thus, "with interest at six per cent."

A Joint Note.

$200.

SALIDA, Col., December 2, 189-.

Three months after date we jointly promise to pay Howard Crosby, or order, Two Hundred Dollars, value received.

GRACE HARDING.

GEORGE HARDING.