Social Life Part 2

A Custom Out of Date.

Introductions at evening parties are, fortunately, very much out of date, except it is for partners in dancing, or unless there should be so many strangers present as to threaten overwhelming the entire party in speechless gloom. Occasionally in the country some old-fashioned hosts persist in handing each newcomer around the room like refreshments for an introduction to each one present. This custom puts the later arrivals in the position, as some one says, "of making a semi-circular bow like a concert singer before an audience," and this, to non-professionals, is not a little embarra.s.sing.

Timid people, and people unaccustomed to the rules of social etiquette, always feel a certain dread in going through the slight formality of an introduction. Nothing, however, if one remembers a few timely hints, can be simpler than this little ceremony so necessary for each of us to perform many times in our intercourse with others.

Recollect always to introduce the gentleman to the lady, never the lady to the gentleman, except in the case of very exalted rank, extreme age or the possession of great eminence in intellectual or artistic life; otherwise, the rule is inflexible save in introducing a youthful "rosebud" formally to an elderly gentleman, in which case you would present her to him. The chivalry of etiquette a.s.sumes that a man is always honored by presentation to a lady.

In introducing ladies, present the younger to the elder, unless in case of some marked exception such as those given above.

The simplest form in presenting one person to another is always the best. A wife presents her husband as "Mr. North," "Colonel North," or "Doctor North," always giving him his rightful t.i.tles. The wife of the President should introduce him as "The President," while we should address him as "Mr. President."

In introducing a gentleman to a lady one should say, "Mrs. A., allow (or permit) me to introduce (or present) Mr. B.; Mr. B., Mrs. A.,"

being sure that the names are distinctly p.r.o.nounced. If this should not be the case, let the parties themselves ask it at once, a simple "I beg pardon, I did not understand the name," saving much future annoyance.

Forms of Introduction.

In introducing two ladies the same formula may be used, as: "Mrs. Y., allow me to introduce Mrs. Z.; Mrs. Z., Mrs. Y." Or one may say: "Mrs.

Y., this is my friend Mrs. Z.; Mrs. Z., Mrs. Y." A still further variation is to say "Mrs. Y., I believe you have never met Mrs. Z.; Mrs. Z., Mrs. Y." In introducing two gentlemen any of the above forms may be used. If the introduction is given simply for business purposes it should be short and concise, as: Mr. A., Mr. B.; Mr. B., Mr. A.

In introducing a stranger it will always be well to make some little explanatory remark that may be used as a stepping-stone toward beginning a conversation, thus "Miss S., allow me to present Mr. T., who is just back from Africa," or, "Miss E., this is my friend Mr. F., the composer of that little song you sang just now." Any remark like this always serves to make the opening of the conversation easier.

An introduction received, or solicited, simply for your own convenience, as a business recommendation, or otherwise, ent.i.tles you to no after benefits, or social recognition.

Where there are several waiting for an introduction to the same individual, name the latter first, then in succession name the others, bowing slightly, as each name is p.r.o.nounced, in the direction of the one named. Thus: "Colonel Parker, allow me to present to you Mrs. Roe, Miss Doe, and Doctor Brown," being sure always to give every one their full honorary t.i.tle in making the introduction.

In introducing relatives be very sure to give their full name. A sister, for instance, should be introduced as, "My sister, Miss Roe;"

or, "Miss Mary Roe," or, "My sister, Mrs. Doe," as the case may be, making sure always never to say "My sister Mary," or, "My brother Joe," thereby leaving the stranger ignorant as to name or estate.

A mother is always at liberty to introduce her son or daughter; a husband is supposed always to introduce his wife, and a wife her husband.

What Should Follow the Introduction.

Nowadays, the usual recognition of an introduction is by a formal bow.

Handshaking rarely occurs and a gentleman introduced to a lady never offers his hand unless she should first extend her own. The inclination on the part of the lady is slight, that of the gentleman deeper. The custom of a courtesy by the lady has scarcely taken root in this country.

A hostess receiving in her own parlors is at liberty, if she should wish, to extend her hand to all comers.

A gentleman upon being introduced to a lady usually suggests that he is "Happy to make her acquaintance," or, "Delighted to make the acquaintance of Miss B----," though, if he choose, he may simply bow, repeating her name. A lady, upon introduction to a gentleman, simply bows, possibly repeating his name, but never is "happy" or "delighted"

to make his acquaintance. The pleasure is supposed to be upon his part, the condescension upon her side. She should, however, upon his expression of pleasure, bow, with a slight smile, or a murmured "Thank you," in return, though, a married lady, especially if she be a little the elder, may cordially say she is "glad to meet him."

It is the place of a gentleman, after an introduction to a lady, to make some remark calculated to set the conversational ball rolling, and she should endeavor to supplement his efforts sufficiently to keep up the conversation. If, however, the gentleman be younger than the lady and somewhat embarra.s.sed, she should show sufficient tact to open the conversation herself. If the introduction is between two ladies, the one who is introduced should make the first remark.

Letters of Introduction are fully commented upon and explained in this volume in the Department on Correspondence, where the proper forms for such letters are given.

All introductions, however annoying, should be received pleasantly and acknowledged fully while under the roof where they are given, though, an hour after, the two might pa.s.s one another in speechless silence.

This is for the hostess' sake, and so great is this solicitude on the part of the well-bred that mortal enemies have met and smiled across the mahogany of a mutual friend, thus preventing the utter chagrin of a hostess who discovers, by frowning faces and averted gaze, that her carefully arranged dinner is a partial failure.

A Lady's Wishes Should be Respected.

Gentlemen rarely ask for introductions to one another, but, should a lady, for any cause, express a desire to present two men of her acquaintance to one another, they must, even if not anxious for the honor, acquiesce instantly in her request.

An introduction given between two visitors calling at the same house need not carry with it any weight unless both parties so desire. At the time, a bow is the most that is demanded; afterward, it is the individual having the most social prestige, or, if there is no difference in standing, the one having most confidence, to whom this privilege is given of acknowledging or ignoring the introduction. A bowing acquaintance with a person thus introduced cannot in the least injure the social position of an individual.

An introduction given on the street needs no after recognition. At the time, a gentleman simply lifts his hat, a lady bows, and that is all.

After any introduction (except the one just mentioned) never give the cut direct save for very good cause. It is too often an uncalled-for insult.

SALUTATIONS.

The style of salutation differs among nations, but there have been none yet discovered so low in the social scale as to be entirely dest.i.tute of some sign for expressions of respect or fear between man and man. Fear is, perhaps, the origin of respect, for every form of salutation among us to-day may be traced back to a source that plainly affirms it to be the survival of some att.i.tude of deference from the conquered to the conqueror, or some habit of adoration of an unseen Power.

In our own customs of salutation we bare the head in token of respect, never thinking that in the olden time it was an act of adoration practiced before G.o.ds and rulers. Our formal bow is simply the modification of a servile prostration, and the graceful bow of a lady of society is but the last remaining trace of a genuflection. When we rise and stand as our friends enter, or leave, our reception-room, it is an act of respect, it was once an act of homage. The throwing of a kiss is an imitation of an act of worship that devout Romans practiced before their G.o.ds, and the wave of the hand to a friend across the street is a modification of the same custom.

The removal of a gentleman's glove in shaking hands with a lady is the relic of a habit based on necessity, and dating back to a day when the knight of old removed his iron gauntlet, lest he crush the maiden's hand within its grasp. The removal of the glove was practiced between men also at a later date, when, too often, beneath the heavily embroidered gauntlet, lurked the a.s.sa.s.sin's dagger, so that to unglove before a hand-clasp grew to be considered an act of good faith.

The bow, the hand-clasp, and the kiss are the princ.i.p.al methods of salutation employed by the most highly civilized nations of this era of the world.

The bow is the most proper salutation among friends and acquaintances meeting in public. It is also frequently resorted to on private occasions.

The bow should never degenerate into a nod; this is both ungracious and ungentlemanly. The hat should be lifted sufficiently to clear the head, and the bow, in the reception room, should slightly incline the body also. Ladies should incline their heads gracefully and smile upon their friends pleasantly, but not broadly.

Removing the Hat.

A gentleman should remove his hat from his head with the hand farthest from the person saluted. This turns the hat from instead of towards them. If you see that the person saluted is going to stop to shake hands, use the left in order to leave the right free.

A gentleman, in giving a.s.sistance to a lady in any difficulty (which should be offered immediately), should do so courteously, lifting his hat and requesting the pleasure of a.s.sisting her. This rule, unfortunately, is much more frequently observed on the Continent of Europe than in England or America.

Gentlemen meeting and pa.s.sing ladies on hotel stairs, or in the corridors, should lift their hats, whether acquainted or not. The same courtesy should be observed on entering an elevator where there are one or more ladies, or in opening a door for a lady and giving her precedence in entering.

All these observances, slight as they are, mark the thorough gentleman who respects all women, whether or not there has been a formal presentation between them.

In giving up a seat to a lady in a street car, or a crowded room, a gentleman will do so with a slight bow. Such a kindness should always be acknowledged by the lady with a bow and a polite "Thank you."

American women are too p.r.o.ne to take this altogether optional courtesy on the part of men as a matter of course, deserving no thanks at their hands, or to look upon its omission as an infringement of their rights. No true lady will ever fail to acknowledge such courtesies.

Any aid given, or information furnished, should also call forth her thanks.

A gentleman walking with a lady will salute with a bow any person they may meet to whom she extends the same courtesy, even should the party be quite unknown to him.

Where two gentlemen are walking together and they chance to meet a lady with whom one is acquainted and the other not, both should bow, the one because of his acquaintance and the other out of respect.

The Privilege of Recognition.

A gentleman should usually wait for a lady to recognize him first on the street. This privilege of recognition is her prerogative.

Especially is this the case if he is simply the acquaintance of a single evening's entertainment. Acquaintances of long standing, however, do not wait for such formalities, usually speaking at about the same moment.