Snapdragon: Tiny Threads Part 23

"Really? No. I think she's stupid for talking to her on the phone about you and mom and us. She said we don't appreciate you and stuff. I think she's jealous of mom-and us."

"Jesus," he groaned. "Look, I'll talk to Grandma. You need to know that I would never ever, leave your mother for anyone else. I love her, even when I act like an a.s.shole."

She shrugged her shoulders, and I could see she was crying. At least they'd finally gotten something out. It was a small breakthrough, but I'd take it. For the first time in weeks they were actually talking.

"Can I please go to my room?"

"Yeah," Royal said, his emotions starting to show, too. "We'll talk more later, but Macy, if you hear something or need to talk, come to me."

She nodded and walked out of the room, leaving Royal and me alone with our thoughts. It was a lot to take in. I wasn't sure if he'd actually absorbed everything she was trying to tell him or not, but it was starting to look like he understood where we were coming from.

"This is f.u.c.king crazy. I'm seriously having chest pains. Where the h.e.l.l did my little girl go?"

I knew where his head was. His little princess was all grown up, and he wasn't coping well. I think somewhere in his heart, he hoped she'd always be his-love him the most. It never ended up that way, but I knew from experience that no one, not even the love of your life, could replace your daddy.

"So, what do you have planned today?"

He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, his stomach with the other. A sliver of skin showed at the hem of his t-shirt, and my eyes were drawn to the familiar trail. No matter how mad I got at him, I couldn't help my natural response to him. I loved him, was attracted to him, and wished that we could go back to an easier time.

"I'm moving into the office-for now," he said, throwing me a pointed look. "I can't deal with my mom anymore."

My eyes widened. "Oh, um, but where will you sleep?"

I felt like a first-cla.s.s jerk. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him to move back in and stay in the guest room, but I stopped myself. We weren't getting along, and no matter what, it was harder on the kids hearing us fight all the time.

"Don't worry, Jenna. I have the couch in there. It's only temporary, right?"

"Of course."

He nodded, leaned forward, and pulled me into his chest. "I need to get going."

"Thank you for talking to Macy. I'm worried about her."

He sighed. "Me, too. So, are you going to see Teddy today?"

I nodded. "I am. I'm not working today. I needed a day off."

He kissed the top of my head and stepped back. "I think you do. I'll, talk to you later."

Chapter 16.

Sitting in the small office of Dr. Margaret O'Conner was the most intimidating and uncomfortable thing I'd ever been through. Royal's knees bounced uncontrollably, and his jaw jumped and clicked as he tensed and ground his teeth.

It seemed like it had taken forever to get to that point, but once we were actually there, I was scared s.h.i.tless.

"Okay. I think a good place to start would be for the two of you to tell me why you're here."

Dr. O'Conner was a very attractive woman in her mid-fifties. Tall, fair-skinned with long russet hair. She looked kind but stern.

"Jenna, would you like to start?"

I cleared my throat, threw a look at Royal, and played with my fingers in my lap. "Um, we're not getting along right now, and a few weeks ago, I asked him to move out."

It was like acid on my tongue. It sounded so dirty. Awful.

"I see. So you're separated."

How she could say it so calmly, like it was the most normal thing ever, scared me.

"We're not technically separated. I just needed some time to sort things out, so we're just living apart."

She nodded, jotted something in her little black notebook and then looked up at Royal. "What do you want to gain from these meetings, Royal?"

He gave her a hard look before looking back to me. "I'd like to go home."

"What do you think needs to happen to make this work, Royal? What steps do you need to take to get back to your family?"

He chuckled under his breath. "Isn't that what we're paying you two-hundred bucks an hour for?"

"Royal," I hissed, throwing an apologetic look at Dr. O'Conner.

"My job is to help you find solutions to work through your problems. Only you and Jenna can fix this, Royal."

He scoffed and turned his head, and I knew that our appointment was going in the toilet quick.

"Jenna, what are you looking to find? What do you want?"

I took a deep breath and continued to twist my hands in my lap. I knew the counseling was the best thing for us but suddenly was afraid of the outcome and the answers I'd get.

"I want my best friend back. I miss the way we used to be, the way we used to talk. I want my husband to love me again. To want me."

"Is that what you think?" Royal spat, leaning toward me. "You think I don't love you?"

A tear trickled down my cheek-uninvited and unwanted. I nodded, swatted it away with my hand, and looked back at him.

"This is bulls.h.i.t," he said angrily, slamming his hands down on the soft leather and standing.

"Royal," Dr. O'Conner said calmly. "Outbursts aren't going to help. We're here to find solutions, not fight. If Jenna doesn't feel safe expressing herself, then you two won't get anywhere."

I watched his jaw throb as he clenched his teeth and sat back down. There was so much anger and s.p.a.ce between us. I just didn't see how we'd ever close the gap.

He rubbed the palms of his hands on his legs, breathing heavily. The silence seemed to go on forever.

"How can you think I don't love you, Jenna?"

"If you do, you have a real knack for making me believe otherwise. I feel needed, like I'm necessary, but not wanted. At all."

He laughed harshly and looked over at me. "That's how you really feel? Unloved? You think I don't want you?" His voice sounded defeated.

"Yes," I said softly, looking away quickly.

"G.o.d, what the f.u.c.k is wrong with me," he mumbled under his breath.

Dr. O'Conner crossed her legs, gaining my attention.

"Royal, how does this make you feel, knowing she thought you no longer loved her?"

"It hurts. I'm p.i.s.sed off. I have no idea why she'd think that. I do love her," he looked back at me, his eyes piercing through me. "I do love you, Jenna. I love you so f.u.c.king much."

Dr. O'Conner nodded. "What caused you to distrust his feelings for you after all these years, Jenna?"

I bit my lip to contain the sob that was fighting its way out of my chest. I wasn't sure how to describe the feeling-what I felt.

"He used to look at me with this amazing, consuming look. His eyes sparkled, his lips twitched. He had a hunger in his eye, like he couldn't stop even if he tried, and he never tried to look away. He'd soak up every inch of me, like sunshine through a window. He hardly looks at me anymore, and when he does, that look's not there. It's been gone for a long time."

I brushed at my face again, the tears having run down both cheeks and my chin. I pulled some Kleenex from my purse and blotted them away.

"Royal," Dr. O'Conner said.

I chanced a look at him, and my lungs collapsed. His eyes-his beautiful, soulful eyes were red, quaking with the turmoil inside.

"I can't f.u.c.king do this," he said after a full minute of staring at me. "I don't know what you want from me anymore, Jenna."

"I just want you!" I said fiercely. "I want the old us back. I want us to talk to each other again."

He shook his head, and I could see the anger rising. "I don't know what you want," he said again, fisting his hands on his knees.

"I'd like us to fall in love again. I don't think that's too much to ask," I snapped heatedly.

"The f.u.c.k are you talking about?"

"Our s.e.x life, for one. You're not interested-you," I stopped and took a deep breath. It wasn't something I wanted to say out loud, but it needed to be brought out in the open.

The look on his face was frightening. It was warning me to shut the h.e.l.l up. "I'm done. This is a bunch of bulls.h.i.t."

With that, he got up and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. The frames on the walls shook with the force, and I flinched, whimpering when I realized what just happened.

He was done. He wasn't even going to try.

"I'm sorry we wasted your time. Thank you."

I got up and walked out the same door and expected to see Royal waiting for me. I stood there utterly devastated when he wasn't.

"Mommy," Benji said quietly from in front of the television.

I put down my crossword puzzle and leaned forward. "What's up, Bubba?"

He sat next to me on the couch, folding his legs underneath him, his toy still clenched in his hand. "Um, when are you not going to be mad at Daddy?"

It'd been over two weeks since our appointment with the doctor, and things were still tense. I was still angry at Royal for giving up and not trying harder. He was p.i.s.sed at me about everything.

"Oh, baby boy," I sighed, opening my arms for him to crawl into. "I don't know. I'm so sorry." And I was. I was miserable. I missed Royal just as much as they did, and that made me angry with myself.

"I want him to live at our house again. He doesn't like it at work. He told me it sucks there."

I laughed softly, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his arms. "I'm sorry you miss him, sweetheart. You can see him whenever you want, you know that. You can call him whenever you want, too. He's your daddy, and I want you to spend as much time as you can with him. Okay?"

He nodded, but he still seemed so sad. "Hey, what do you say we go for a bike ride tomorrow? I don't have to go to work, so we can play all day. We can ride to the park if you'd like."

"Okay," he answered, sullen and pitiful, and it broke my heart.

"Are you done playing with your toys? We can clean this up and watch movies in my room if you want to. We can have a slumber party."

He jumped up quickly and nodded. "Yes!" he said, pulling both arms back and fisting his hands. "Can we do a picnic party?"

"Of course!"

While he cleaned up his toys, I went in the kitchen and grabbed some snacks. It was typical of me when I was stressed, angry, or sad to indulge in food to rescue me. It was completely self-destructive, but it helped me through the day knowing I'd come home to a freezer full of ice cream.

Finally, I had everything ready, and we made our way upstairs. I popped Puff the Magic Dragon into the DVD player and snuggled up with him. We ate, giggled, and cuddled, and it was the best night I'd had in forever. His soft little boy smell and his hotter than humanly necessary body gave me comfort and peace.

About a half an hour into the movie, the phone rang. It was Royal. I was tempted to ignore it-only because we were having such a good time and I didn't want it interrupted. It was selfish, though, so I answered it against my better judgment.

"h.e.l.lo," I answered flatly.

"What are you doing?" he asked curtly. It was an odd tone, and I frowned.

"Benji and I are watching a movie."

"Let me talk to him." Again, his tone was clipped and a little rude. I should have just let it go to voicemail.

"Okay, but just for a minute."

He let out a sarcastic laugh. "I talk to him every night, Jenna. Isn't he supposed to be getting ready for bed, anyway? You think I don't know it's his bedtime? He's my kid. f.u.c.k!"

Ugh. He sounded like he'd been drinking. I was p.i.s.sed. I tried to tell myself daily that I was the one that made him leave, giving him the right to do whatever the h.e.l.l he wanted, but I never expected him to do it. I honestly thought he'd be as miserable as I was, sitting at his mother's house moping around.

How stupid.