Screwed. Part 16

Jennifer laughed at Charlie, who was blushing like a virgin bride. "I still don't know how she fit, even though I saw it happen. You must be pretty sore."

"Not so bad. Lots of good drugs." There was a continuous echo inside her head as Grace tried to carry on a conversation with Jennifer while trying to sort out what had just happened with Charlie.

"I never would have believed the human body was so ... stretchy." Jennifer made a face.

"I don't really need to know all the details," said Grace.

"So the bean's really gone?" Despite seven months of smarta.s.s comments, Jennifer understood how traumatic this day had been for Grace.

"Yeah, she's gone. It's hard to believe." Perfect pink Molly, with a tiny dimple in her chin, just like Grace, was on her way to a new life in Philadelphia.

"You're incredibly calm. I'd be freaking out right now," Jennifer said.

"I've done enough freaking out for a lifetime in the last nine months. I'm too tired to get upset." Exhausted in mind and body, Grace was desperate to sleep, but every time she closed her eyes, she could see Molly's rosebud lips and her heart started to race. Sleep would not be easy.

"I'm going to go now," Charlie said casually, putting his laptop in his backpack. The girls were ignoring him anyway. It was clear to him that he wasn't wanted there. "I'll see you tomorrow."

After Charlie left, Jennifer asked, "What's with him?"

"I think I screwed up," Grace replied.

"What are you talking about? There's nothing you could do or say that could change how he feels about you." Not that Jennifer was an expert in matters of the heart, but the way Charlie never stopped staring at Grace, he was either in love with her, or there was something wrong with his eyes.

"I'm not so sure. I didn't tell him where I got in to school, and I wouldn't let him tell me where he got in. I think he was insulted."

"Why would you do that? That was dumb. So where did you get in? Am I allowed to know?" Jennifer asked.

"I got in everywhere. Apparently getting knocked up your senior year is just the kind of extracurricular activity they're looking for." Grace wondered whether her situation had really helped her, like having an off-the-wall hobby - underwater basketweaving, or skydiving. All that mattered now was that she had so completely misinterpreted Charlie's feelings for her, and she didn't know how she was going to get over him.

"Congrats. That's amazing. And Mrs. T. is footing the bill. It sounds pretty perfect. Not that you care, but I'm going to NYU Stern. They offered me a sweet scholarship," Jennifer said.

"That's a great place for you. I think I'm going to accept at Dartmouth."

"Well, duh. But what about your future husband? Why are you shutting him out? He applied to Dartmouth, too. You could room together."

Grace scowled. "I don't want either of us to decide on a college based on what the other one is doing. What happens if we don't work out in the end?"

Jennifer shook her head. "Full of yourself a little? You're sure he would follow you wherever you went?"

"Maybe," Grace said, realizing the hubris of a.s.suming Charlie's feelings were as intense as hers. Maybe their kisses hadn't meant as much to him as they had to her, or his feelings had faded. When they had been together, it had felt like she was dreaming. Now she wondered if it had all really happened as she remembered it, or was it all just a figment of her desperate imagination?

"And you would follow him?"

"I'm afraid I might, and I kind of thought he would follow me, but I think I was wrong, from how he acted when he was just here. He didn't seem to care where I got in. He didn't even try to convince me to tell him where I was going," Grace said, her pride bruised by the ease with which Charlie had given up.

"Haven't you ever heard of the male ego? Of course he's going to pretend he doesn't care. Begging you to tell him would be like handing you his b.a.l.l.s on a silver platter."

"And she's back. I thought the miracle of childbirth might have cleaned up your language." Grace laughed, relieved that Jennifer was still Jennifer.

"No such luck. Anyway, what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me what to do? I'm too tired to think anymore, and you always have all the answers."

"If I were you, I'd tell him I loved him. But it's none of my business. And it's not like I have any personal experience to work off of."

In Jennifer's world, everything was blissfully simple and straightforward if you were paying attention. Finding someone who could love you no matter how c.r.a.ppy you looked or how stupid you acted was like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As risky as it might seem to tell a guy you were in love with him, the payoff was so huge, it was definitely worth taking the chance those feelings might not be reciprocated. If Grace didn't jump on this, she was a moron, but Jennifer had vowed to keep her nose out of this one. Helping her best friend through her pregnancy was one thing, but managing her mixed-up love life was another thing altogether.

"No way, not after the conversation we just had. It's not how I thought it was between us, and now I just have to move on." Besides, now was the time for Grace to work on Grace. Boys, even one as perfect as Charlie, were merely distractions. Determined to rationalize what had happened, Grace had to paint Charlie as the enemy - otherwise she feared sinking into a wicked postpartum depression.

"Fine, do what you want. Hopefully, you two mules can work it out. You know, you're more like your parents than you think," Jennifer said.

"I'm nothing like them," Grace protested. Betsy and Brad were cruel and heartless and unforgiving. The last thing in the world Grace wanted was to be compared to them.

"You're not crazy and spiteful like they are, but you're stubborn like them, that's for sure," Jennifer said. "Remember, like Dr. Phil says, you can be right or you can be happy, but it's hard to be both."

"What does that even mean?" Grace asked.

"Just look at your mom and dad. They think they're right about you being a bad seed. They won't even try to understand your point of view. But what good does it do them? Do you really think they're happy being right about everything ... and alone?"

"It's a totally different situation," Grace muttered.

"Whatever you say, boss." Jennifer shrugged. "Just remember. You can be right and alone ... or you can take a minute to think about what Charlie might be feeling. It's totally up to you."

CHAPTER 23.

"Welcome home, sweetie," Vera and Ada said together as Grace stepped gingerly over the threshold into the front hall, one arm linked in Helen's, Charlie right behind with her suitcase. Now that all the Percocet had worn off, Grace felt like she'd ridden across the country on horseback. Looking up the spiral staircase, she wondered how she was going to make it up to her room.

"Thank you. It's good to be home." Unconsciously, Grace was starting to consider Helen's house home: a warm, loving, safe place. Catching herself, she corrected, "I mean it's good to be back here."

Helen laughed. "You were right the first time. It's good to have you back home. Just because your b.u.mp is gone doesn't mean you have to make any decisions or go anywhere. This is your home for as long as you want it to be."

Tears filled Grace's eyes and she threw her arms around Helen's neck. This must be more of that hormone instability that the doctor was talking about. "I love you, Helen, I really do. You saved me. I wouldn't have made it without you, or you," she continued, turning to Charlie.

Grateful that she still thought he was an important part of her life, even though she had shut him out of the whole college thing, Charlie tried to smile graciously and said, "That's what friends are for, right?"

The last thing he needed was another friend. From friend, to more than that, and back again. Hopefully Helen was right - this was just part of the process, and he had to wait until Grace figured it out for herself. But how could that happen if she ended up hundreds or thousands of miles away at college? For the past few months he had held onto this day, the day when she was no longer housing her little boarder and she was free to move on with her life, hopefully with him. Now Charlie, friend and bellhop, stood at the bottom of the stairs, awaiting instructions. What he wanted to do was swoop her up in his arms and carry her up the stairs, but Helen would probably say that was crossing the line, which could jeopardize his move into the more than friend area. So instead, he stood like an idiot, watching Grace tentatively mount the first step.

"Where's Grace? I can't find her anywhere." It had been ten days since Grace had given birth, and today was supposed to be her first day back at school. Knowing how much she had been dreading this day, Charlie had made a plan with Jennifer to ensure that Grace wouldn't be on her own for a minute.

"She's gone. She left early this morning," replied Helen softly.

"Gone? Where did she go? She has to go back to school. She didn't even say goodbye." Feeling abandoned and hurt, Charlie appealed to his aunt for an explanation. Trying to do everything right, he had only succeeded in driving her away.

"I know. That was on purpose. Here, read the note she left." Helen sighed and handed Charlie the letter she had already read three times. Although Grace had only been living there for seven months, the house felt empty without her.

Dear Aunt Helen and Charlie, I feel terrible saying goodbye this way, but if I did it face to face, I would probably chicken out. After everything that's happened to me, I need to get as far away from here as I can, if I ever want to find my way home again. Does that make any sense at all? If not for the two of you, I would have lost myself completely in the last seven months. Helen, I can't even imagine what would've happened to me if you hadn't rescued me that day. You saved two lives. But you can't do everything for me, no matter how wonderful you are, and now I need to figure out who I am, or who I want to be.

I applied to be a junior counselor at a program called No Boundaries. For the next two and a half months I'll be climbing mountains and learning survival skills with a group of young girls in Colorado. All of them have gone through difficult experiences, and I hope that while I help them find their way, I will be able to find mine I'm not running away from home, from your home. I'll be back. As for my parents, I don't know what to do yet. I know I have to work that out somehow, but like they say in all those recovery programs, one step at a time. If I work on my relationship with myself, maybe all my other relationships will fall into place.

I love you both more than words can say, Grace P.S. I took the GED exam, so I have my high school diploma, in case you were worried that I'd forgotten about graduating. Mrs. Evans already knows, and I'm taking the AP exams in Colorado. Don't worry, as crazy as all this sounds, I'm still taking care of business.

"She thinks I don't care. That's why she left. I should've spoken up," Charlie said, more to himself than to Helen. "And she's afraid of heights. She'll get hurt."

"Well perhaps that is exactly why she chose to go to the mountains." Although Helen had not been expecting Grace to run off to the Rockies, now that it had happened, she wasn't surprised.

"But she just had a baby. Climbing mountains can't be a good idea in her condition."

"Grace has a good head on her shoulders. She can take care of herself." Helen said, wishing she could take away some of Charlie's pain. He looked like a lost puppy.

"Do you really think she'll come back?" Desperate for rea.s.surance, Charlie didn't care that he sounded like a love-struck girl. Even though they would probably be leaving for different colleges in September, he had banked on having the whole summer with Grace, and he worried that the perfect days that he had been daydreaming about - water-skiing and hiking and picnics - would never be more than stupid fantasies.

"That's what the letter says."

Quickly scanning the letter again, Charlie said, "Can I fly out to Colorado, just to make sure she's okay? I'll come right back."

"That's ridiculous. She sounds perfectly fine, very determined, and if she had wanted to say goodbye to you, she would have done so. Do you want to spoil any chance you have with her? As I told you a couple of months ago, you're just going to have to be patient."

"Easier said than done."

"Well, only you can decide if she's worth the wait," Helen said, knowing full well that while Charlie might not be happy about this latest development, he was so head over heels in love, he had no choice but to sit back and wait for Grace to find her way back home in her own good time.

"You know the answer to that question," Charlie said.

"It's settled, then. Pick your college, finish out the year, and wait for Grace to come home. The only behavior you can control is your own. You can't make Grace get where she needs to go any sooner than she's able to."

"You sound like a shrink, Aunt Helen."

"After twenty years of therapy, I could probably do a decent job." What would Dr. Needleman think if she had a little compet.i.tion on the leather couch? "Now go live your life. You're so young. There's plenty of time for this all to work out before you get your first gray hair."

While leaving a goodbye note for Helen and Charlie was necessary under the circ.u.mstances, Jennifer had required the personal touch. "Hey, it's me," Grace whispered into the phone.

"Why are you whispering?" Jennifer whispered back.

"It's late, and I don't want to wake anyone."

"So why are you sneaking phone calls after lights out? You want to plan our outfits for tomorrow?" Jennifer asked, stifling a yawn. "Wear jeans, if you can stuff yourself into them. I'll see you in the morning. Do you want me to pick you up, or is your boyfriend, who you refuse to admit is your boyfriend, going to drive you?"

"That's why I called you. I'm not going back to school."

Not drawn in by what was obviously a middle-of-the-night attack of cold feet, Jennifer tried not to laugh. "So you're finally running away with the circus. I've thought about doing that myself. Are you going to be tightrope walker, or are you going to clean up after the elephants?"

"Could you step pretending it's open mic night for five whole minutes? This is important," Grace begged. She was about to regret not leaving a note for Jennifer as well.

"I'm sorry. You're right. It's just a defense mechanism. Speak your piece."

"I'm not going back to school, because I'm going away to this wilderness survival program in Colorado," Grace answered, waiting for the barrage of bad jokes that would surely follow. Sometimes she wondered if she existed solely to feed Jennifer lines.

"But you don't camp, remember? Except at the Hyatt. And what about your shy bladder? How are you going to pee in front of the bears and the mountain lions?"

"I'm so sorry I ever told you about that. I'll manage. In the last nine months, half of Connecticut has seen my vag. I think I can pee in the woods."

"You're right. You must be over your stage fright by now. But why are you leaving when the worst part is finally over? You're a skinny kid again. No more baby on board. I thought we'd spend the last couple of months of senior year together."

"I'm sorry, but I just can't go back. I need to figure some stuff out, and I can't do that here, in front of everyone, across the street from my parents. Except for one run-in at the grocery store, I haven't seen them in almost seven and a half months, and I'm not ready to face them yet."

"It's none of my business, but with your fake grandma, who I have to say is the coolest senior citizen I've ever met, who the h.e.l.l needs parents? Especially your dumba.s.s, narrow-minded, intolerant, provincial - I could go on - parents?"

"But they're still my parents. Doesn't that bond mean anything? I spent two minutes with Molly and I'm irrevocably tied to her, even if I never get to see her again. Holding her in my arms changed me forever. I don't even know how to describe it."

"Not necessarily. Look at Nick. He's Molly's father, but he barely deserves the t.i.tle of sperm donor. Two minutes of f.u.c.king doesn't make people parents."

"But Betsy and Brad were my parents for seventeen years before this happened. We were a happy family. That's not just biology."

"You were a happy family because you were every parent's wet dream ... up until the moment you weren't. You're beautiful, you're a f.u.c.king genius, you have perfect manners, excellent taste in shoes, and you help old people across the street. Until you blacked out and let Private p.r.i.c.k plant his flag in your brave new world, you were like the Hope Diamond."

"How can people feel like that about their child, their own flesh and blood? I can't believe such a thing could be true." That Betsy and Brad could love her only when she was lovable was a notion Grace didn't want to wrap her head around, even though Jennifer's explanation seemed to be the only one left that made any sense after so long.

"You think you're the only kid who ever got kicked out of the house for getting pregnant, or being gay, or breaking some other inviolable house rule? Like I told you a long time ago, parents are just people. Having a baby can't turn pea-brained half-wits into benevolent saints. Betsy and Brad are the perfect example."

"I guess so, but ...." Grace didn't have an answer. If what Jennifer was saying wasn't true, then Grace wouldn't be living with Helen and probably wouldn't be fleeing to the Rocky Mountains to conquer her fear of heights and everything else.

"Look, their own parents probably f.u.c.ked them up and they just never had the chance to unpack their baggage, so they ended up dumping it on you. It's not your fault, and you shouldn't ruin your life trying to figure it out. Take my word, it's not you, it's them. Your only job is not to repeat their mistakes. That's all."

Playing psychiatrist at midnight wasn't easy, but Jennifer had spent a lot of time thinking about Grace's relationship with her folks. Not that Jennifer's mom and dad were perfect - far from it - but she knew she was deeply loved. Maybe in the long run that was worth more than an American Express Platinum Card.

"Thank you, J. You're crazy, but you're the smartest person I know, and I love you. I'll see you when I get back. I'm not allowed to write or call anyone during the program, so I guess I'll see you when I see you."

"I love you too, b.i.a.t.c.h. I'm going to miss you at graduation. I guess I'll have to keep all the awards for myself. Go get sane, and be careful. You're really important to me. Bye." Jennifer hung up the phone before her voice broke. If Grace knew she was crying, she'd never hear the end of it.

"Bye," Grace said to the empty line.

CHAPTER 24.