Saar: Stardust And Shadows Part 29

"You filled his shoes well before you were brought here to live. In fact, there aren't any shoes too big for you to fill."

"Not even the ones I'm trying on for size in this alien world, Miss Scribbles?"

They shared laughter as they chatted about how Andrea received that nickname in seventh grade for getting caught numerous times "scribbling" and pa.s.sing notes to Jana until they learned a more effective method.

"Did anything special happen last night? Don't keep me in suspense."

"I didn't break down and tell him about the baby, if that's your meaning." Jana explained her plan.

Andrea, who was convinced they loved each other and could be happy, wanted to help patch things up between the couple. She and Nigel had decided last night to do all they could to keep them from being too stubborn to see the truth and to work out both of their differences. "Isn't an ultimatum like that dangerous, Jana? He loves you; Nigel said so, you said so, he said so, and I believe it's true. I like him, Jana, really like him. Don't say again that sometimes love isn't enough; if it's strong and true, love is enough because it helps you work out any problems."

"I don't want to get my hopes up again, then suffer when those beautiful dreams fail to materialize. You're being as rosy-eyed as I was when I met Varian. Just loving and wanting someone doesn't make it the best thing for me. I have to make certain he loves me enough, loves me in the right way. He must prove his feelings and vows this time. I have to be sure I can trust him; if I delude myself, it will cause worse problems later."

Andrea couldn't forget or ignore what Nigel had told her about all the grim situations Jana had endured. "Varian's explained everything to you, and you admit he had no choice. You know what was at stake. Why do you continue to feel as you do, Jana? I don't understand."

"His goals are good, Andrea, but not how he carried them out."

"He couldn't tell you or include you at first." Andrea attempted to justify Varian's actions.

"He says so, but I'm not convinced there wasn't another way to do it."

"True love comes around so rarely, Jana. Are you just going to throw it away because he made a mistake?"

Jana surmised that Andrea was being influenced by Nigel who was Varian's naturally biased best friend. Yet, it was obvious Andrea believed what she was saying and only wanted the best for Jana and the baby. "I've told you my decision; the rest is up to Varian."

"You want to punish him before you agree to take him back?"

"No, just to be convinced I can trust him and that he loves me as much as his duty and people. Is that so wrong?"

"Don't act impulsively, Jana, please. You might regret it. Varian Saar doesn't strike me as a man who can be threatened or tricked."

"I'm not doing either one. I won't be rash or reckless, my worrywart friend, just ..."

"Jana, Jana, this crazy plan worries me."

Jana patted her friend's shoulder and smiled. "Once and for all, I'll learn the truth about his feelings. At that point, it should be simple to prove himself. If he fails, so be it and I'm out of his life for good."

"Where would you go? What would you do?"

"I'd go to my father-in-law's on Tartarus and be a scientist and mother. I'd raise the next heir to the Androasian Empire and live in peace for a change."

"But it isn't Ryker Triloni's child, isn't Kadim Maal's grandchild."

"If Varian waits too long to lay claim to me and his child, it will be viewed and accepted as Ryker's by everyone who doesn't know about this charade. Since it can't ever be exposed, the truth will be buried with Ryker. Besides, I've told you that children here resemble their fathers, not mothers. Since Ryker was Varian's near twin and they both look like Galen, my baby will also look like a Saar, like his father and half-uncle. Don't you see why that makes it even more imperative to rush? As far as everyone knows and will ever know, I've been living with Ryker as his wife. Who would believe this isn't his child? My hands are tied, Andrea. So many times Varian has said he had no choice in his actions. Well, this time he does, and so do I. But there is a time limit on him making it. I'm not to blame for getting pregnant at the wrong moment; he is. If he doesn't solve this complication, it will be the last one he makes in my life."

As they eased into orbit around Tartarus in the Androasian Empire, Varian confided in Nigel. "I don't know what, but something is up with Jana. She's been strange and distant ever since we left Darkar."

"Relax, Varian," he attempted to comfort him. "It's natural for her to be nervous. Think about what she's gone through, first with your impersonation of Ryker, then her demanding confrontations with Faeroe and Taemin. Also, she's been locked in her quarters to avoid her old friends because she's here as Ryker's widow while traveling with her ex-lover. Give her time to settle down. I'm sure things will be fine. So is Andrea. She likes you and she's working hard on Jana to influence her in your favor."

"I wish I were as confident as you and Andrea are about us, and thanks for the help; it appears I'm in desperate need of all I can get."

The two men stopped talking when Jana arrived in the shuttle bay. Nigel smiled and greeted her, and she did the same.

"The casket is loaded and everything's ready," Varian said. "Let's get this task finished so you can get home. After all you've endured, I'm sure you need to rest. Any questions or worries?"

Jana took a deep breath and released it. "None that words can change at this time. Let's do it, Commander Saar. Kadim Maal is waiting for us."

Chapter Eighteen.

Jana was relieved when Effecta Maal was not hostile or hateful to Varian as, in a gentle tone, the Star Fleet officer explained the circ.u.mstances surrounding Ryker's "death." The silver-haired man was somber and near dazed with grief. Jana empathized with his pain, as she had lost her own family and understood what he must be feeling. She did not try to withdraw her hand from his as he gripped it for comfort.

After what "Ryker" had told him about Taemin, Maal was open about his suspicions of the Pyropean prince. "If he is guilty, you must punish him for your brother's death. It is your right and place to do so, as I am too old to seek the truth and subsequent vengeance. Promise me you will do this, Varian, and I shall grant you the treaty the Alliance seeks."

"I swear it upon my life and honor, sir, not because of the treaty but because he was my brother. If any man is to blame for Ryker's death, he will suffer." And I have, more than you can imagine.

"My grandson was right when he said both of you had changed. You are responsible for saving his and Jana's lives when Taemin closed his treacherous trap around them. I shall remember that deed always. We shall never be enemies again. The past is dead, with the cherished flame of my soul, as he desired it and spoke it to me on his last visit and the last time I heard his voice the day of his death. After Taemin and Jurad learn we have made peace, they will offer no threat to the Alliance who befriended my grandson. He will become more than willing to sign a treaty, too. My grandson cut Pyropea off from Trilabs; do not forget that, my sweet Jana."

"I will remember, sir, and honor my husband's wishes." She told him about Taemin's attempted visit and threats, and how she had thwarted him with the aid of Kagan, the head of her security. She told him how kind Avatar Faeroe had been, and the others, as well. "Ryker was widely respected and admired, sir, here and in Maffei. Many have sent their condolences. I brought them for you to read and keep."

The older man asked Jana to stay for a visit after Varian departed.

She hoped her excuse sounded plausible. "Ryker would want me to take care of Darkar, sir, at this critical moment. So many people depend on his products and weapons, and he was careful with his great responsibilities. Too, there are several research projects in progress and at crucial stages. He taught me everything about his work and customers. I can and will carry on his important work and make certain no one forgets it or him. He has left a great legacy behind, one I must continue in his name. I'll visit again as soon as things are settled there."

The clear oblong casket was brought inside and placed next to the one which allegedly held Shara's body. The display room where both would lie in state echoed with their footsteps and voices. Jana was relieved, for Maal's sake, that someone had dressed Ryker in his royal robe and placed his gold circlet on his blond head. The medallion around his neck rested on his lifeless chest. He looked handsome and serene, and perhaps his tortured soul was finally at peace.

As the three seemed to honor a short silence, she reflected on how she had met him and what had transpired between them months ago. The stranger lying there was her husband, and she was a widow. If he hadn't tried to slay his half brother, he might still be alive and her life would be very different. She recalled how Varian had impersonated him, how that robe and circlet and medallion had looked on her love. Yet, it was as if she were gazing at the man she had spent the last few months with, and that feeling was unsettling. If it hadn't been a ruse, the child in her body could have been his ... She couldn't help but think that if not for Canissia and Ryker's evil, she would be happily married to Varian and be far from this awful episode and its possibly damaging repercussions. Or she could be dead if Shara had succeeded in the attempt on her life. If the princess had slain her and if Varian had died at Ryker's hand, Shara would be living as Jana Greyson Triloni at her son's side this very moment. So much suffering had been endured by many because of those two insane people. Perhaps G.o.d, in his infinite mercy and wisdom, had ended their malicious reigns.

Jana cast aside her troubling thoughts. She looked at the aged ruler. Maal was quiet; he seemed crushed, defeated, very old and tired. She watched him stroke the transparent covering as if touching his grandson's body. The agony in his voice and faded green eyes made her want to cry.

"The last cherished flame of my soul has been extinguished. They are both gone and I am alone. Soon, the Triloni bloodline will cease to exist after hundreds of years of ruling the Androasian Empire. I am old and weary. How I wish you two had been married longer, my sweet Jana, and had been given the time to birth an heir to a.s.suage the pain in my heart."

Jana's heart lurched in panic. She envisioned a terrible battle over the child she was carrying, between father and acclaimed great-grandfather. She couldn't let that happen; Varian couldn't let it happen! The conflict between the Trilonis and Tabrizes had almost shattered Varian's life and provoked intergalactic war. Those five people had compelled the charade and might ruin her future. She wanted to hate them and curse them, but what good would that do, especially now? Two of them were dead and powerless, Maal was a broken and enfeebled man, and the Tabrizes would be weakened or defeated within weeks. Yet, that didn't change the damage they had caused to her life; only Varian could do that, and if he didn't do it soon, it would be too late to matter. Her pregnancy would be exposed in a few months, and another complication would stand between them.

Varian pretended not to notice how strange Jana looked and acted. Somehow he knew it wasn't the result of the arduous pretense at hand. Something else, something serious, was gnawing at her. Later, he must urge her to confide in him. For now, he must concentrate on the task before him. "After years of being foolish enemies, Effecta Maal, my brother became my friend. I shall mourn his loss and the years we will never share. He was a good man, sir, and will be long remembered. I'm only glad his death was swift and painless. I'm also glad he found happiness and peace during his final days."

Maal looked at the quiet beauty nearby who was gazing at his grandson with sadness in her eyes. "He was happy because of you, my sweet Jana. I am grateful you entered his life to share it, if only for a brief time."

Jana felt she must respond. "I shall miss him, sir. He became a very important part of my life. It will not be the same without him. I will not allow his memory to die with him. I am sure the entire Tri-Galaxy will mourn his pa.s.sing. I am here today because of what he was and did. I shall never forget him or his effect on my life."

Maal embraced her for a long while, and both were tearyeyed. Jana did not glance at Varian as she pretended to grieve over the loss of his fierce enemy and archrival, the man he had secretly slain months ago. She knew it must be horrible to be forced to kill your own brother and Varian Saar was a man of deep and strong emotions.

Dakin Agular entered the oppressive room, his alert gaze taking in the three people present. He nodded a greeting to Varian and smiled at Jana. He approached the ruler and bowed. "I came to see if there is anything you need, Effecta Maal, and to pay my respects to Prince Ryker. His loss is a great and painful one for all of Androas. You should be proud of him; he died seeking peace and honor for himself and his people."

"Peace, yes, my grandson wanted peace. I am too old and tired and sick at heart to seek it for the Empire. You must do it for us, Agular. Tomorrow, I will proclaim you my successor and you will carry out my grandson's last dream, his last request to me. Go, speak with Ryker's brother on the matter before he departs; I grant you that power and authority. I must be alone for a while with those I loved and have lost."

Agular, Varian, and Jana were astonished by the ruler's unexpected words and hasty plans to abdicate! Jana realized he was giving over the reins of his empire to Agular, a man Varian and Jana knew wanted peace, wanted one of the valuable treaties Varian had sought with his charade.

Jana's heart was plagued by anguish as the old man wept over the two gla.s.sed tombs. Her gaze drifted over both deceased people. She wondered what Maal would do if he learned it was not his daughter's body resting there, and if he learned of Ryker and Shara's incestuous affair for seven years while everyone believed her dead. That discovery would hurt him deeply. She couldn't help but hope it wouldn't be necessary to expose such evil to him or to anyone. Varian had told her while shuttling down that this wasn't the time to reveal the treachery to the suffering ruler, if that time ever came. Not only because it might upset Maal and provoke him into doing something rash, but because of Varian's compa.s.sion even to an ex-enemy. Maal, Ryker, and Shara had made Varian's life a torment, and Jana was glad he wasn't being vengeful when it was within his power and means to do so. She left the room with her true love and Agular to await Maal's presence in another area while the two men discussed peace.

An hour later, Maal sent a servant to bring Varian to him for a private talk. An anxious Jana remained with the new ruler. They conversed and sipped hot tea while she tried to look as relaxed as possible.

Varian followed the woman to Maal's suite. He found the older man slumped in a large chair, which made him appear small and frail. "You sent for me, sir?" he asked softly. Palegreen eyes lifted to meet vivid blue ones, and the agony in them tugged at Varian's heart. "I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain, sir, but I can think of nothing. I'm sorry."

Maal straightened in his chair. "There is something important and generous you can do for me and your brother."

"What, sir?" he asked curiously. "Tell me and I will try my best to accomplish it."

Maal read honesty and sincerity in the man who reflected his grandson's true image. His voice was low and strained by emotion as he spoke. "In the days since I was given this tormenting news, I have thought much and I have searched my heart and mind for the right thing to do. I entreat you to protect his wife, our sweet Jana, our ray of sunlight."

Varian took a seat on a firm ottoman so the ruler wouldn't have to crane his neck to meet his gaze. Nor did he want to tower over the man like a lingering threat. "I will, sir; you have my solemn word on it."

"Do more than guard her life and holdings. Until her grief pa.s.ses, be her friend and defender. Afterward, make her smile and be happy again."

Varian's suspense increased. Could it be that the seeds he had sown many times and in many ways in Maal's mind had flowered? But so fast and in this wintry season? "What do you mean?"

"Ryker told me of your love for her and how she came to be his. He loved her and would desire her happiness, as I do. She was a good wife to my cherished grandson. She filled his last days with joy and peace. She must not suffer endlessly over his tragic death." Maal paused a few moments to let his faded emerald gaze roam Varian's face. "I never noticed how like him you are in so many ways. We were too busy hating and battling to get to know each other. I became accustomed to his disguise, for I rarely saw him without it since he was a child when his mother concealed his Saarian image to ease her pain. Each time I saw you, I saw Galen, the foe who had taken Shara from us."

Varian became nervous at those words until Maal continued.

"You are not your father; you are Ryker's half brother. I know you did not give Jana away; nor did Ryker kidnap her. He was unable to return her or tell her the truth after she captured his heart. You must understand and forgive his painful deed against you."

If you have an advantage, Varian, press it, but gently and carefully. "I did so when we reconciled, sir. I saw how much he truly loved Jana and I realized all they had done for each other. When I lost her, I could not battle him for her return against his powerful threats. But their union became a good one, so I was compelled to leave them in peace. I could not bring myself to destroy her new life. Nor can she be faulted for turning to him when she did not know of my love and need for her. I have only myself to blame for our misunderstanding. But why are you telling me this today?"

"You are the only man with enough power, skills, strength, and love to protect our Jana from being harmed or tricked by the countless men who will pursue her now that she is his widow, a rich and free woman. She was stolen from you in spite while you two were enemies, but you became friends and true brothers. You made a great sacrifice for your world and her by not challenging him for her return. For that you should be rewarded."

Varian's heart pounded in antic.i.p.ation. Please end this torment for us, he prayed in earnest. He waited for an answer to his plea.

"Perhaps it is fate's way of finally uniting a Saar and a Triloni as it should have been long ago. Perhaps your father was forced by an unknown power or threat to give up Shara as you were forced to give up Jana. They are both dead now and the truth is lost forever. Ryker said there had been too much anguish and to let the past die. He said you must be the man to take his place with her. I beg you, never tell her how she came to be my grandson's wife. I beg you, do not tarnish his glowing image in her eyes. Now that he is gone and she is free again, you could destroy his golden memory with the dark truth. She loved you once and may do so again. Give her time to recover from her loss and pain, then woo her with gentleness and patience. Do this for me and Ryker and I promise to speak to her in your favor. In time, she may forget and forgive what she sees as your betrayal, for she has a tender and peaceful heart. Will you do this good and merciful deed for us? Do you still love her and want her?"

It was difficult for Varian not to break into joyful smiles of relief. After a proper mourning period, Jana could return to him with Maal's blessing! He kept his expression and tone controlled. "Yes, sir, I do love her. I will do as you ask and as my brother wished."

"You are a good man, Varian Saar. I am grateful. Now, my grandson can rest in peace. So can I when my time comes to join him and my child."

At last, my love can come home to me in a few months ...

Jana knew the Wanderl.u.s.t would reach Darkar within hours so she needed to relate her news to Varian. He had revealed what Maal had said to him, results of "Ryker's" clever enticements. But news of the baby would change Maal's mind and heart, and there was no time to provide a mourning period. She had listened in amazement and had been disappointed to have that obstacle removed at a time when it couldn't matter. She had disappointed Varian, too, when she hadn't leapt into his arms and agreed it made everything safe and right for them. Today, now, she would explain.

They sat in his quarters as they had done many times, with him as himself and with him as Ryker. So much had happened in this masculine suite and on this starship. Those contradictory times filled her troubled mind, as did the necessary ruse with his old crew. She had confined herself in the guest quarters down the hall to avoid the men and women she had spent so much time with in the past. She could not bring herself to play Ryker's grieving widow before them, especially in light of a possible marriage to Varian. For now, she must allow the misled crew to think what they did about her and her astonishing marriage to Ryker Triloni when most of them had expected one to their commander and friend. The few times she had seen them, all parties had been pleasant but reserved, as if neither side knew what to say or how to behave under the circ.u.mstances. She had given herself time to settle down before she came to visit with Varian today to expose their new predicament.

Varian left his desk to take a seat beside her on the short sofa where she was almost curled into a ball. Her right arm rested across its back and her cheek lay upon it. She had seemed nervous when she arrived, so he had given her a few minutes to calm herself. He had also stalled asking the reason for her unexpected visit, as he dreaded to learn why she had been in a somber mood for a week. He studied her serious expression, but she didn't return his gaze or even glance at him. "You're so quiet and withdrawn these days, Moonbeam. You haven't been yourself since I returned to Darkar."

Without looking at him or lifting her head, she asked, "What is being myself, Varian? I've changed so much since meeting you that I don't even know who or what I am anymore. I was just thinking about how much happened to me and between us on this ship, in this very room."

Her tone didn't sound promising. "It wasn't all bad, was it, Jana?"

"No, we've had many good times, too."

He was relieved she admitted that much, but he was still worried. "What's bothering you, Moonbeam? Tell me, Jana, please. You're scaring me with this chilly distance."

"You don't fear anyone or anything."

He lay his hand atop hers. "I fear losing you and what we had."

She lifted her head from her arm and gave a reply he didn't expect or want in response. "You have one treaty down and one to go. Maal has stepped down, so he won't be any more trouble. You've won that battle. Soon, you'll go to Jurad's and do the same. Peace will rule the Tri-Galaxy and your charade will have succeeded. You should be proud and happy."

His strong fingers curled around hers and he looked deeply into her sad eyes. "I can be if it doesn't cost me the only woman I love."

"Do you truly, I mean truly, love me and want me?"

"Yes, Jana, I do. If you doubt everything else I say, believe that."

Jana freed her hand and stood to move around while she spoke. "That's the big problem between us: trust-being able to believe you after all the lies and deceptions. More than once you have broken my heart and spirit with deceptions and made me journey through what can only be described as the depths of hades. Because of you and with you, I've experienced pa.s.sion and anguish, good and bad, joy and sadness, love and betrayal, lies and the truth. I can not guess what will come next; that doubt torments me and keeps us apart."

She began to pace again. "Trust, why does it have to be such a fragile thing, so easy to destroy, so difficult to retrieve or rebuild?" she murmured almost to herself. "Perhaps," she answered her own question, "trust is crucial because it makes everything else happen between two people, makes everything else worthwhile and special. Maybe it's hard to yield to you because I'm afraid if I do, you will use me and hurt me again."

She halted once more to lock their gazes so he could grasp her predicament. "You're like a powerful drug, Varian Saar, one I became addicted to, one I craved more than even my freedom and pride, one I needed so badly that I was willing to do anything to have it, to forgive you of any offense so I wouldn't lose the source of it. But when you convinced me that what I believed we had shared was only a cruel delusion, I struggled hard and got over you." She saw him flinch and wince as if she had struck him a painful blow. "Everything was going well until you exposed your ruse and there I was, back in my old pattern again. I finally forced myself to see and admit the truth, that perhaps you aren't good for me."

"Please don't say that, Jana. Give me-"

"No, you give me a chance to finish my explanation. I believe you do love me in your own way. But if that love is destructive and selfish, I can't take it or share it. You told me you didn't understand my feelings and why I saw the charade as an unforgivable betrayal. If I'm making any sense and you're listening, truly listening with your heart, do you now comprehend my dilemma?"

Varian felt as if he'd had the wind kicked out of him. He couldn't argue with the truth. "Yes, Jana, and I'm sorry. But I have learned from my many mistakes."

"Have you, Varian? That's the proof I've been seeking. Only time can answer that vital question for me and we don't have any more of that."

He panicked. Did she mean ... "Jana-"

She cut him off again in a gentle tone. "Listen to me while I'm brave enough to get this in the open before we reach Darkar. You've done everything within your power to save your world, to prove your love and loyalty to it, even to the extent of making personal sacrifices."

Varian had to jump in before she said what he feared was coming. "You're right, Jana; and I could have done things differently. If I had done so, I would have saved us a lot of anguish. I made a terrible mistake and I'm sorry. The course of action you described to me on Luz could have worked, but at the time, I didn't think of it. I wish I had so I wouldn't have turned you against me. I've really made a mess of our relationship. If it were possible to turn back time, I would. I had to carry out the self-destructive plan I put into motion. Obviously n.o.body else thought of your idea either or they would have suggested it. But I take sole blame for my actions. I guess men don't think the same way women do; you use your hearts and we use our heads. Maybe if we let our emotions influence us more, we would make better decisions. If you can't forgive me and take me back, I'll understand. Kahala knows I've given you ample reasons to distrust and hate me. I wish that wasn't so!"

Jana was moved by his torment and confession. She smiled and jested with him to ease his suffering. "Are you giving up on me, Rogue Saar?"

"Kahala, no, not until I'm forced to eat sour defeat. And even then, I would always be there for you, Moonbeam."

"Good," she murmured with another smile. "Now, don't interrupt again or I'll gag you. Where was I?" She found her mental place, repeated the sentence she had used before he had halted her, then continued. "Now, I want you to do the same for me, for us. I want you to use your cunning mind to figure out how you can finish this mission in no more than two weeks so we can get married." Her last few words caught him off guard and he stared at her as if thinking he must not have heard her correctly. "It's then or never, Varian. If you truly love me and want me, you'll find a way to succeed with me, to prove your love and your loyalty to our relationship. We marry in two weeks, or we never marry. Is that being clear enough for you?"

"Marry in two weeks? You're giving me a deadline to prove myself?"

She was glad he hadn't said "ultimatum." "Yes. That's as long as I can wait, as long as I will wait. I swear it, Varian, so take this seriously."