Running On Empty Part 17

Is he serious with this s.h.i.t?

"Like now? Is that why you came back?" My heart is pounding in my chest. I'm about two seconds away from having a full blown heart attack. There's no way my heart can beat any faster.

"No. That's not why I came back." Blake takes a step toward me and I automatically take a step back. "Stay right there. I don't want you near me."

He stops. "You've got to hear me out Alex. This isn't fair."

"Fair? Are you serious? You've got to be freakin' kidding me." I laugh at his audacity.

"Really, Blake, you're right. It's not fair. How fair do you think it is that I let you into my life, into my heart, only to find out nothing you've said has been the truth? How fair do you think it is to give yourself completely to someone who was just using you to get laid? That doesn't sound fair to me. But hey, at least you conquered your conquest. Right? Congratulations by the way. Would you like me to make you a t-shirt?"

Blake slams his hand on the side of my armoire. I move back until I hit the wall.

"You've got to be kidding me! You believe that? After all we've been through, after all we've shared, you honestly believe that s.h.i.t?" He narrows his eyes and shakes his head. "No, I don't think you do."

I angrily throw my hands up in the air. "I know that I don't believe a G.o.dd.a.m.n word that comes out of your mouth! You've been lying to me since the day you got here. Our whole relationship has been rebuilt on lies!"

"You want the G.o.d's honest truth, Alex? I'll give it to you. I contacted Harlow when I found out about Derek. I wanted to check on you, because no matter how upset I was, I still loved you and I wanted to make sure you were okay. From that day forward, Harlow and I stayed in touch. She would give me updates about how you were handling things. She made it sound like you were struggling, but you were getting through it. When you told me how bad it was, I had no idea. That's why I was so p.i.s.sed that night we discussed Derek's death. I should have been there for you, and I wasn't. I wasn't ready to face you and I'll never be able to take that back. That kills me."

His eyes hold mine as he continues.

"Yes, Harlow asked me to come back. She was worried about you, Alex. She thought that if I came back here, somehow I might be able to get through to you. That you might be able to move forward in your life, learn to let go and live your life again. And even though I was obviously still upset at you...at myself, I came back. For you. To help you."

I shake my head. "Nope. Not good enough, Blake. Listen, I get that you were worried about me...which makes you no different than anyone else in my life. I get that you didn't want to come here because you didn't want to deal with my grief. I also get that you feel some ridiculous need to help me. Yes, I get all of that. But know this. I'm not your charity case. I don't want you here and I don't need you here. I've been doing it on my own, without you, for a while now. So, if you don't mind, just get the h.e.l.l out of my house!"

Blake stalks toward me and, finding I have no route for escape, I stand my ground and throw my shoulders back. We both stare fiercely at each other, refusing to be the first to break. He finally lets out a defeated laugh. "So this is it, huh? This is where you push me away? This is where you just give up because you're scared? This isn't about the lies, is it, Alex? You want to yell at me, to hurt me by saying things you don't even believe, in order to keep from getting hurt yourself. I get it. I do. But I'm not a punching bag, Alex. I love you, but I refuse to be treated like this. I've lived my entire life being hurt as a result of your thoughtless actions and I'm not going to do it anymore. I didn't come back here for this."

His statement only fuels my anger. I hit that wall behind me with the palms of my hands.

"I never asked for you to come back! You wanted to march in here and save me from my miserable life! Well, guess what? I can't be saved! Get. It. Through. Your. Head." I press my finger against my temple with each word.

Blake watches me closely, then exhales a long breath. He rakes his hand through his hair in obvious frustration. He steps closer to me and leans down to look me directly in the eyes.

"Well done, Alex. You've just managed to push me out of your life. I'm gone. But let me tell you something before I go. You want to live your life safe. You don't want to feel anything for anyone. You don't want to get hurt again...I understand all of that. But you can't continue to live that way. Stop punishing yourself for something that was completely out of your control. Stop punishing your girls for G.o.d's sake."

As soon as the statement leaves his mouth, I can't control myself. The anger finally consumes my body. I feel nothing but adrenaline as I deliver the blow to his face with my open hand.

Blake takes a step back and cups his jaw with his hand. His eyes reveal a flash of pain before they go vacant. His face is now completely void of any emotion...his walls rebuilding just as quickly as mine. After a second or two, he lets out a long breath and shakes his head in disbelief as he steps towards my door.

"Well, it's clear you've made your decision. There's nothing left for me here now. Nothing I want anyway. I'm letting you go, Alex, but for your sake, I really do hope you find your way back to the Alex I once knew. Because what you're doing now, just seems like such a lonely way to live the rest of your life."

With that said, Blake Morgan walks out of my bedroom, out of my house, and out of my life.

And I remain alone in my room.

Knowing deep down that I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

It's been three weeks.

I miss Blake. I miss everything about him. I miss the way he makes me laugh, the way he holds me when I cry, the way I don't have to pretend with him. I know the girls miss him too, especially Rylie, but they haven't asked me about anything yet. And honestly, they've seen me cry enough this lifetime, so I prefer to avoid the conversation until they decide they want to have it.

Missing him definitely isn't easy...by any means. But missing him without Harlow to make me laugh, well, that just sucks.

I've been attempting to avoid Harlow, which is pretty much impossible. I mean, we do work together, so for now my work days consist of walking through the front door of Prestige, mumbling a h.e.l.lo, darting into my office, and shutting my door. I stay in there until we have an appointment. I get into professional mode, conduct interviews with Harlow by my side, then walk back into my office and shut the door again. I'm not sure I can handle another dramatic exit from my life, so at this point I might as well be the first to cut the proverbial cord.

At least that's my plan until one day in the early afternoon Harlow storms into my office, dramatically throwing my door open and slamming it closed. Mouth wide open, my eyes follow her as she grabs one of my office chairs, moves it in front of the door, and parks herself in it. Crossing both her arms and legs, she doesn't say a word. She just continues to bore her eyes into mine, waiting for me to ask her what's going on. I refuse to give her the satisfaction, so I begin to whistle as I doodle on my paper trying to look busy. When I have run out of room on my paper, I start straightening my desk. I open my drawer, still feigning a cleaning routine, only to see the note Blake left on my desk after our wonderful first exchange. My heart aches as memories play out in my mind. I shut the drawer pretending nothing's wrong.

Like a lion to the gazelle, Harlow evidently senses my weakened defenses when I opened that d.a.m.n drawer, because as it shuts, she clears her throat. "So, how long is this going to continue? How long are we ignoring Harlow? Huh? It's been three weeks, Alex. Would you mind sharing with me when you're planning on ending this stupid a.s.s tantrum!" She uncrosses her arms and leans forward. "I'm just asking because I would really like to put it on my calendar. Maybe even put together a celebration." She pauses. "With a lot of alcohol." After another brief pause she adds, "And strippers."

The stripper comment catches me by surprise, as I'm sure she intended, and a slight smile breaks across my face. I continue looking down, hoping she doesn't notice. My pens are now in groups based on color.

"Alex, seriously. This is ridiculous. Talk to me." I look at her and tilt my head as I raise my left eyebrow at her. I'm so tired of being mad. Knowing I'm about to cave, I attempt to keep my mouth in as straight of a line as possible while speaking. "What would you like to talk about? My celebration? If so, I would like to go on the record as saying that if you're going to have strippers...get that guy Tony...remember? The one from Australia. He was hot!"

I watch her face as relief floods her features. She leans back in the chair. "Alex, I'm really sorry."

"You should've told me, Harlow," I say, placing my elbows on my desk and folding my hands underneath my chin.

"I was going to tell you, remember? But I didn't want to upset you before Rylie's big surprise, so I was waiting until after the party. Then I ran into d.i.c.khead and I decided to go off on him first. In retrospect, I should've probably discussed it with you first." Her mouth moves to the side and looks down at her fingernails as she contemplates. "Yeah, that would've definitely been more advantageous for me in the long run." She nods and continues her murmuring.

"Harlow! Focus!" I shout at her. I have watched her do this before; I could literally be sitting here for days watching her go back and forth with herself.

"Oops! Sorry. Anyway...Yes, I should've told you. Honestly, I didn't know there was anything going on. I asked him here to help you as a friend. That's all. I was worried about you and nothing I was doing was helping. So I figured maybe there was something he could do since you two were so close, for so many years. I never really expected anything to happen romantically. I just said all that stuff early on to aggravate you. Because I happen to find it very entertaining...as if you didn't already know that. I had no idea either one of you had actual feelings. Hence my slightly overdramatic reaction to all of this at Rylie's party." She pauses to straighten her skirt.

Her voice softens. "That being said...Trace told me he left. Went back to Colorado." She looks up to eye me closely.

"What?" I clear my throat to try to prevent the Mack Truck from lodging in my throat. I wasn't expecting that. I mean, it's so permanent.

"Yeah. Trace said he left the day after the party." She continues to watch my reaction. I feel moisture starting to gather in my eyes. I have no idea why I'm reacting this way. I know it's over. Maybe I just wasn't expecting him to completely pick up and leave.

I shrug my shoulders. "Well, I hope he made it back safely." I move on to organizing the files on my desk.

"Does that bother you? That he left? Without telling you?" Harlow takes her shoes off and slides both feet up into the chair underneath her bottom, something she does when she is settling in for a long conversation...or a lecture. I would rather the former.

"No...I mean, yeah," I sigh loudly and smack my forehead in frustration. "I don't know. Does it matter?" I open my file drawer to deposit the now alphabetized files.

"I think it does, yes." She shifts a little in her chair. "Do you care about him? Really care about him?"

"I don't know. I thought I did. But, he lied to me Harlow. How can I ever trust anything that he says after that?" I close the drawer and slide back in my chair. I watch her twirling the ends of her hair around her finger.

"Alex. You two have a long history together. He knows you. Even better than I do, which is saying something considering you hadn't spoken to him in years before recent events. He knew what your reaction would be to him showing up here to check on you. He also knew he would have absolutely no chance of any type of relationship with you if he stormed in here expecting to carry you away on a white horse. I really don't see that he had any other choice." She hesitates, but continues.

"Look. He said some things to me that will put him on my s.h.i.t list for a while, but I have to be honest with you. I don't really think he lied to you in order to deceive you. I think he did it to protect you...from yourself. Alex, the man loves you. There's no doubt about it. And whether or not you choose to admit it to yourself, you love him. I see that now." I open my mouth to speak but she holds her finger up in the air, signaling for me to shut it.

"But since we're playing the 'Lying is Unacceptable' game, why don't we both just admit that this has absolutely nothing to do with the lies themselves. I've had time to think about this. And I'm not going to let you do this to yourself. I love you too much, so you're going to listen to what I have to say." She moves her feet back to the ground and repositions herself in the chair. I can feel the lecture coming but I have no words to distract her after she called my bluff with her made up lying game. d.a.m.n it.

"You know, deep down, you pushed that man away before he even had a chance. You pounced on the first opportunity you had to do it. And you did it successfully. Congratulations. Now you're miserable. Are we seeing a correlation here?" I really need to come up with some words...any second now...

"I've watched you spiral downward from being the happiest I have seen you in years to absolutely heart-broken. The light in your eyes is gone. I haven't seen you smile in weeks. I know you're sad, Alex, but you don't have to be. You're not proving anything to anyone by doing this to yourself, yet you still do it. Is this about Derek? Do you think this is the life Derek wants for you? Do you think he would prefer to see you sad than to see you happy? I don't."

Memories from the day at the park race through my mind. "You're right, Harlow. I've had time to think about what I did to Blake, and you're absolutely right. And you're also right about Derek. He wouldn't want this for me. I know he wouldn't. Like, I know he wouldn't." I'm pretty sure that if I tell her about Derek the b.u.t.terfly, Harlow will have me committed.

"But that doesn't make it easier to take that leap of faith. I know I pushed Blake away, but, the thought of losing him, like I lost Derek...I can't go through that again. Just the thought..." My eyes start to well up with tears. "Harlow, it's too much. I guess I would rather push him away and lose him now, when I'm in control, than later, when I'm not. I'm scared, Harlow."

Harlow gives me a sympathetic smile as she delivers a bag of salt to my already exposed wound.

"It's okay to be scared, Alex. There's nothing wrong with that. I was scared to take that jump too. But, someone I love very much once told me something that changed my life. She said, 'You'll never have your happy ending unless you're brave enough to open the book and start your story.'"

She pauses for dramatic effect.

"Are you brave enough to start your new story, Alex?" She raises her eyebrows in question.

I continue to hold her stare until I drop my eyes to glance at the drawer containing the note from Blake. When I still say nothing, she continues to use my silence to her advantage and drives her point home.

"That's what I thought." She slaps her hands down on her thighs and sighs loudly. "Well girl...you better put your big girl panties on. Because your book is in Colorado."

Jeez I really hate when Harlow's right.

With no appointments scheduled for the rest of the day, Harlow and I decide to close shop and begin to work on the master plan to get Blake back. I have a feeling getting Blake to forgive me won't be as easy this time around. Let's just hope he hasn't "moved on" in the last three weeks.

Our first stop is her apartment. After a half hour of both of us searching, we find Blake's address that she wrote down on what has to be the smallest piece of paper in the world.

"See, I told you it was in the drawer. You just didn't look hard enough."

"Harlow. Seriously. How do you expect to find anything in here?" I look down at the 'junk drawer' that she keeps. It's ridiculous. Batteries, electrical tape, pens, phone chargers from 3 phones ago, screwdriver, and of course multiple Pez dispensers. Why not? I really need to get Nycole over here to help her organize it. There's no telling what hazards are hidden in that drawer. It's a freakin' deathtrap.

"It's a junk drawer. That's its purpose. Come on, let's get going. We need to devise a plan." She throws in an evil laugh and I roll my eyes at her. I'm glad my current situation is providing my best friend with the utmost of entertainment.

On our way, we throw some ideas around before we land on something that actually shows a little promise. After fine tuning the main points of 'Operation: Major Damage Control', we decide we're definitely going to need the girls' help. I call Nancy, letting her know that we'll be picking them up from school today and we race to get them.

The girls make a mad dash to the car when they see Harlow hanging out the window waving.

"What's up, my beauties?" Harlow yells as she opens the door and hops out of the car while it's still moving.

"Harlow! We missed you!" They run straight to her. Lots of hugs and kisses are exchanged. You would think the woman had been gone for years the way they were acting.

Once everyone is loaded and all the seatbelts are buckled including Harlow who always tries to get out of it, we turn the music up in the car and jam out to the radio. Singing songs that might be deemed somewhat inappropriate for younger ears, we all laugh and scream the words as loud as we can in the car.

Finally, we make the turn into the parking lot of Rylie's day care to pick her up.

"Aww! Do we have to get her? Can't she just stay at school?" I watch both of them roll their eyes and let out very dramatic sighs. "You know, she is your baby sister. You should be nicer to her. She loves you so much."

Nycole looks at me in the rearview mirror, not pleased. "I know mom, but she only wants to play with what we play with and then whines until she gets her way and we have to give it to her."

I look at Harlow in the pa.s.senger seat. "You do realize that's completely our fault, right?" I mutter under my breath. She laughs quietly and starts to open the door as I put the car in park. "Yeah, but she's the baby. Isn't that like a rite of pa.s.sage or something?"

I nod my head. "Exactly. Yes, let's go with that." She laughs out loud and exits the car. I let Harlow go in to get her by herself. I figure it would be a nice surprise for Rylie. Plus, I need the time to discuss things with the older two.

I lower the volume on the radio and turn to face Nycole and Kyndall sitting in their seats. "Girls, we need to talk for a second."

They both look up at me with huge eyes. I know those looks all too well. "No, it's fine. You aren't in trouble." Although now I'm wondering why they automatically a.s.sume they were in trouble.

"Listen, I'm sure both of you have noticed that Blake hasn't been around in a while?"

Kyndall raises her hand to speak. My sweet girl. "Yes, Kyndall?" I give Nycole a smirk before turning my attention to her sister.

"Is he coming back, Mama?" I can see hope in her beautiful eyes.

"Well Kyndall, I don't know. I really hope so. But, that's why Harlow and I picked you up today. We have an idea that we need you to help us with."

"To get Blake back?" Nycole asks sarcastically. "Like that's going to happen. I'm sure you chased him away for good." She turns her head and puts it against the window, watching people pa.s.s by.

"Nycole." She doesn't move a muscle. "Nycole!" She continues zoning out. I soften my voice, trying a different tactic. "Nycole. Please look at me, baby."

She glares in my direction. I feel like crawling over the seat to strangle her...but I don't...obviously. "Nycole. I know you're upset. Listen to me," I say as she starts to look away. "Nycole." I stay quiet until she turns in my direction. For once, so does Kyndall.

"Listen baby, Blake and I are adults and sometimes adults have bigger problems than you can understand right now. Blake and I have been friends for a long time. Friends sometimes get into fights, just like you do with your sisters. Sometimes things are said that you don't mean and when that happens, you have to apologize and make it right, just like with your sisters. Regardless if Blake accepts my apology or not, I need to tell him I'm sorry because it's the right thing to do. It's just a little more difficult when you're adults, that's all." I watch her to see if anything I just said absorbs into that thick head of hers.

I don't think it does. Why would it? She's had the lecture a million times and still hasn't grasped the concept of a true apology.

She looks me dead in the eyes. "I just don't see why it has to be so difficult. It's not a big secret, even though you think we don't know. It's simple. You love him. He loves you. What's difficult about that? Just fix it and move on. Isn't that what people do when they love each other? Like with my sisters?"

The honesty and simplicity of her statement knock the breath out of me. I have to inhale deeply before I can continue.

"Well, that's what I'm trying to do. To fix it. Which is why I need your help. And that, my dear, is the mission for today...if you choose to accept it." I watch a slight smile appear on her face.

"I accept it, Mama!" Kyndall claps her hands in excitement. I shoot her a huge grin. I fix my eyes back on Nycole.

I soften my tone. "I really need your expertise on my mission. Would you like to help me?" After a few deciding seconds, she accepts with a gentle dip of her head.

"Okay," I answer her turning around just in time to see Harlow exiting the doors with Rylie on her back. Nycole's words are still buzzing in my head. "Then let 'Operation: Alex Was an Idiot' commence," I mutter to myself.

I hear a soft snicker from behind me. I look at Nycole in the mirror. She gives me the thumbs up sign. I smile back at her, but honestly, I'm not sure if she is telling me I'm an idiot or simply saying she's on board.

Harlow opens the door, places Rylie in her seat in the far back since girls called "seat check" on the captain's seats, and sits down beside her after finally buckling her in. Going through her art folder, they both giggle at her work.

"That is not a cow, Rylie!" Harlow laughs. "That looks like a pancake with mold on it!"

"Yes it is, Hah-low! I'm not playing with you anymore. You cheat!" I can tell Rylie isn't really mad because she's smiling as she turns her face opposite Harlow's.

"Okay You're right Rylie, it's a cow." She looks at Kyndall who's been watching their exchange and slowly shakes her head, indicating otherwise. Kyndall puts her hand over her mouth and turns back towards the window.

Rylie holds the picture in front of Harlow's face. "You know what this is Hah-low?"

"A cow?"

Rylie giggles. "No silly, it's a pancake with mold!"

"You're impossible!" Harlow tickles Rylie in the tummy. "It's a good thing you're so darn cute or I would throw you out the window!"