Perfect Behavior Part 7

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS

GOLF AS A PASTIME

"Golf" (from an old Scottish word meaning "golf") is becoming increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city now has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this stylish pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the popular enthusiasm has reached such heights that free "public" courses have been provided for the citizens with, I may say, somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I myself have often seen persons playing on these "public" courses in ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and SUSPENDERS.

The influence of this "democratization" on the etiquette of what was once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, deplorable, and I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would turn over in their graves were they to "play around" today on one of the "public" courses.

In no pastime are the customs and unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is essential that the young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an afternoon on the "links" devote considerable time and attention to the various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable game.

A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes extremely difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of obstacles can be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after the employer, having swung and missed the ball completely one or two times, has managed to drive a distance of some forty-nine yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care to miss the ball completely THREE times, and then drive forty-eight yards to the extreme left. This is generally done by closing the eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just before hitting the ball.

On the "greens" it is customary for a young man to "concede" his employer every "putt" which is within twenty feet of the hole. If the employer insists on "putting" [Ed. note:--He won't] and misses, the young man should take care to miss his own "putt." After both have "holed out," the young man should ask, "how many strokes, sir?" The employer will reply, "Let me see--I think I took seven for this hole, didn't I?" A well-bred young man will not under any circ.u.mstances remind his employer that he saw him use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes for his second shot, four strokes in the "rough," seven strokes in the "bunker," and three "putts" on the "green," but will at once reply, "No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether." The employer will then say, "Well, well, call it six. I generally get five on this hole. What did you take?" The young man should then laugh cheerily and reply, "Oh, I took my customary seven." To which the employer will sympathetically say, "Too bad!"

After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will begin to offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. This is perhaps the most trying part of the afternoon's sport, but a young man of correct breeding and good taste will always remember the respect due an older man, and will not make the vulgar error of telling his employer for G.o.d's sake shut up before he gets a bra.s.sie in his-------- ear.

A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power to make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage him, when possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again," and she should aid him with her advice when she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, when he drives into the sycamore tree on number eleven, she should say, "Don't you think, dear, that if you aimed a little bit more to the right...." et cetera. When they come to number fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, she should remark, "Perhaps you didn't hit it hard enough, dear." And when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the second-story window of the club-house, she should say, "Dear, I wonder if you didn't hit that too hard?" Such a wife is a true helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on which a silly husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right sort of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her with a niblick after this last remark.

A young wife who does not play the game herself can, nevertheless, be of great help to her husband by listening patiently, night after night, while he tells her how he drove the green on number three, and took a four on number eight (Par five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. Caddies should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due one's fellow creatures who are "unfortunate." The sins of the fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always remember that it is not, after all, the poor caddy's fault that he was born blind.

AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE

"c.r.a.ps" is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the men's coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, b.a.l.l.s, recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, that "c.r.a.ps" is a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart women are enthusiastically taking up this sport in numerous localities, and many an affair which started as a dinner party or a musicale has ended in a c.r.a.p game, with all the guests seated in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the host's efforts to make expenses for the evening.

It is in connection with these "mixed" games, however, that most of the more serious questions of "c.r.a.ps" etiquette arise. If, for example, you are a young man desirous of "shooting c.r.a.ps" with your grandmother, the correct way of indicating your desire when you meet the old lady in a public place is for you to remove your hat deferentially and say "Shoot a nickel, Grandmother?" If she wishes to play she will reply "Shoot, boy!" and you should then select some spot suitable for the game and a.s.sist her, if she wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon which to rest her knees.

You should then take out the dice and "shoot." Your grandmother will look at your "throw" and say, "Oh, boy! He fives--he fives--a three and a two--never make a five--come on, you baby seven!" You should then take up the dice again and shake them in your right hand while your grandmother chants, "A four and a three--a four and a two--dicety dice, and an old black joe--come on, you SEVEN!" You should then again "shoot." This time, as you have thrown a six and a one, your grandmother will then exclaim, "He sevens--the boy sevens--come on to grandmother, dice--talk to the nice old lady--Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a new pair of shoes--shoot a dime!"

She will then "throw," and so the game will go on until the old lady evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you or she are "cleaned out." In this latter case, however, it would be a customary act of courtesy towards an older person for you to offer to shoot your grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, thus giving her several more chances to win back the money she has lost. It should be recommended that young men never make a mistake in going a little out of their way on occasion to make life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged.

CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC

There often comes a time in the life of the members of "society" when they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, b.a.l.l.s and dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend a "picnic."

A day spent in the "open," with the blue sky over one's head, is indeed a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make the mistake of thinking that because he (or she) is "roughing it" for a day, he (or she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) "manners," for such is not the case. There is a distinct etiquette for picnics, and any one who disregards this fact is apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the "shoe" in this case is decidedly "on the other foot."

A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to accompany her on a "family picnic." To this invitation he should, after some consideration, reply either "Yes" or "No," and if the former, he should present himself at the young lady's house promptly on the day set for the affair (usually Sunday).

A "family picnic" generally consists of a Buick, a father, a mother, a daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a young man (you), two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt Florence.

The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are the mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the lunch baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember that it is a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way that you are conscious of the fact that the car has been standing for the last hour and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun.

"We're off!" cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting pedal.

Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the picnic has begun. The intervening time has, of course, been profitably spent by you in walking to the nearest garage for two new sparkplugs.

It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in the rear seat is not allowed to lag. "It's a great day," you remark, as the car speeds along. "I think it's going to rain," replies Aunt Florence.

"Not too fast, Will!" says mother. "Mother!" says the daughter.

Ten minutes later you should again remark, "My, what a wonderful day!"

"Those clouds are gathering in the west," says Aunt Florence, "I think we had better put the top up." "I think this is the wrong road," says mother.

"Dear, I know what I'm doing," replies father.

The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the "hobby" of the person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker always throws out several "feelers" in order to find out the things in which his partner is most interested. You should, therefore, next say to mother, "Don't you think this is a glorious day for a picnic?" to which she will reply, "Well, I'm sure this is the wrong road. Hadn't you better ask?" The husband will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, "I think I felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don't put the top up now, we'll all be drenched."

The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed to put up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest to get the second and third fingers of his right hand so severely pinched that he can not use the hand for several days. As soon as the top is up and the rain curtains are in place the sun will come out and you can at once get out and put the top down, taking care this time to ruin two fingers of the LEFT hand.

No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one subject, and when you are once more "under way" you should remark to the mother, "I think that motoring is great fun, don't you, Mrs. Caldwell?" Her answer will be, "I wish you wouldn't drive so fast!" You should then smile and say to Aunt Florence, "Don't YOU think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. Lockwood?" As she is about to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with a loud noise and the car will come to a b.u.mping stop.

The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the "puncture" occurs one should at once remark, "Is there anything I can do?" This request should be repeated from time to time, always taking care, however, that no one takes it at all seriously. The real duty of a young man who is a "guest" on a motor trip on which a "blow-out" occurs is, of course, to keep the ladies of the party amused during the delay.

This can be accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or making funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire.

When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more speeding along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road as well as father's best "jack" and set of tire tools, the small boy will suddenly remark, "I'm hungry." His father will then reply, "We'll be at a fine place to eat in ten minutes." Thirty minutes later mother will remark, "Will, that looks like a good place for a picnic over there." The father will reply, "No--we're coming to a wonderful place--just trust me, Mary!" Twenty minutes later Aunt Florence will say, "Will, I think that grove over there would be fine for our lunch," to which the husband will reply, "We're almost at the place I know about--it's ideal for a picnic." Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and point to a clump of trees. "There," he will say, "what do you think of that?"

"Oh, we can't eat THERE!" will be the answer of mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. "Drive on a bit further--I think I know a place."

Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your normal lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car stops beside a wheat field it will begin to rain, and the daughter will sigh, "Well, we might as well eat here." The "picnic" will then be held in the car, and nothing really quite carries one back to nature and primeval man as does warm lemonade and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side curtains on.

After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and father have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the merry party will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you have not caught pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work greatly refreshed by your day's outing in the lap of old Mother Nature.

{ill.u.s.tration caption = Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused than our subways. The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancee's flat in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet for his intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is standing, in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she accept the proposition without further ado, or should she request the guard to introduce the gentleman first?}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = The young lady has received an invitation to a quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply, she has bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her surprise and dismay, she finds that it contains three model replies to such an invitation beginning "Dear Mrs. Peartree," "Dear Mrs. Rombouts,"

and "Dear Mrs. Bevy," and one invitation to a christening beginning, "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck," but no reply to an invitation to a quilting-bee beginning "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck." PERFECT BEHAVIOR settles such perplexities.}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper are no longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one's social position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it is permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet.

Care should be exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be recognized, such as that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather solicit the taste of a good stationer than commit the blunders depicted above.}

BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY

Although many of America's foremost boxers have been persons whom one would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure can be had out of the "manly art" if practised in a gentlemanly manner.

"Boxing parties" are generally held in the evening. The ballroom of one's home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with a square ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the ladies and gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is usually worn.

The contests should be between various members of one's social "set"

who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember at all times that they are gentlemen.

The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the winner of one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, until all but two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this final contest shall be proclaimed the "champion."

Great fun can then be had by announcing that the "champion" will be permitted to box three rounds with a "masked marvel." The ident.i.ty of this "unknown" (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some other noted professional pugilist) should be kept carefully secret, so that all the guests are in a glow of mystified excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine their delight and happy enthusiasm when the "masked marvel" cleverly knocks the "champion" for a double loop through the ropes into the lap of some t.i.ttering "dowager."

Refreshments should then be served and the "champion" can be carried home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful host.