Perfect Behavior Part 8

BRIDGE WHIST

"Bridge whist," or "Bridge," as it is often called by the younger generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game of good society, and "bridge" parties are much en vogue for both afternoon and evening entertainments. In order to become an expert "bridge" player one must, of course, spend many months and even years in a study of the game, but any gentleman or lady of average intelligence can, I believe, pick up the fundamentals of "bridge" in a short while.

Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a "young man about town," are invited to play "bridge" on the evening of Friday, November seventeenth, at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, although you may have played the game only once or twice in your life, it would never do to admit the fact, for in good society one is supposed to play "bridge" just as one is supposed to hate newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, November seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at Mrs. Gregory's home.

There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a few minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the players will take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. Jamison Dollings (your partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is considered one of the most expert "bridge" players in the city, while Mr. Watts has one of the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of the State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain one).

As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst "bridge"

player in the room it should be your duty to make up for this deficiency by keeping the other three players conversationally stimulated, for nothing so enlivens a game of "bridge" as a young man or woman with a pleasing personality and a gift for "small talk." Thus, at the very beginning, after you have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems to you an embarra.s.sing pause by telling one of your cleverest stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, "We are waiting for your bid, Mr. S----."

The etiquette of "bidding," as far as you are concerned, should resolve itself into a consistent effort on your part to become "dummy" for each and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. Dollings) bids anything, it should be your duty as a gentleman to see that she gets it, no matter what the cost.

Thus, on the first hand, you "pa.s.s." Mr. Watts then says, "Wait a minute, till I get these cards fixed"; to which Mrs. Watts replies, "Theodore, for Heaven's sake, how long do you want?" Mr. Watts then says, "Which is higher--clubs or hearts?" to which Mrs. Watts replies, "Clubs." Mrs. Dollings then says, "I beg your pardon, but hearts have always been considered higher than clubs." Mrs. Watts says, "Oh, yes, of course," and gives Mr. Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, "I bid--let's see--I bid two spades--no, two diamonds." Mrs. Dollings quickly says, "Two lilies," Mr. Watts says, "What's a lily?" to which Mrs. Watts replies, "Theodore!" and then bids "Two spades," at which Mrs. Dollings says, "I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two spades."

Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to Mr. Watts), "I beg your pardon." Mrs. Watts then bids "Three spades," at which you quickly say, "Four spades."

This bid is not "raised." Mrs. Dollings then says to you, "I am counting on your spades to help me out," at which you look at the only spade in your hand (the three) and answer, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" There is then a wait of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. Dollings wearily says, "It is your first lead, is it not, Mrs. Watts?" Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, "Oh, I beg your pardon!" and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your "dummy" hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, "Excuse me, but I want to use the telephone a minute." You should then go into the next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you return Mrs. Dollings will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. Watts will be saying, "Well, it's a silly game, anyway."

You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of twenty-five cent limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, and it would certainly be considered a thoughtful and gracious "gesture" if, during the next two or three weeks, you should call occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. Dollings is "getting on," or you might even send some flowers or a nice potted plant.

FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING

"Drinking" has, of course, always been a popular sport among the members of the better cla.s.ses of society, but never has the enthusiasm for this pastime been so great in America as since the advent of "prohibition."

Gentlemen and ladies who never before cared much for "drinking" have now given up almost all other amus.e.m.e.nts in favor of this fascinating sport; young men and debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as expert in the game as their parents. In many cities "drinking" has become more popular than "bridge" or dancing and it is predicted that, with a few more years of "prohibition," "drinking" will supersede golf and baseball as the great American pastime.

The effect of this has been to change radically many of the fundamental rules of the sport, and the influence on the etiquette of the game has been no less marked. What was considered "good form" in this pastime among our forefathers now decidedly demode, and the correct drinker of 1910 is as obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the "frock-coat."

The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal drinking.

"Formal drinking" is usually played after dinner and is more and more coming to take the place of charades, sleight-of-hand performances, magic lantern shows, "dumb crambo," et cetera, as the parlor amus.e.m.e.nt par excellence. "Formal drinking" can be played by from one to fifteen people in a house of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, fire and plate gla.s.s insurance. The game is played with gla.s.ses, ice, and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin.

The sport is begun by the host's wife, who says, "How would you all like to play a little bridge?" This is followed by silence. Another wife then says, "I think it would be awfully nice to play a little bridge." One of the men players then steps forward and says "I think it would be awfully nice to have a little drink."

An "It" is then selected--always, by courtesy, the host. The "It" then says, "How would you all like to have a little drink?" The men players then answer in the affirmative and the "It's" wife says, "Now Henry dear, please--remember what happened last time." The "It" replies, "Yes, dear," and goes into the cellar, while the "It's" wife, after providing each guest with a gla.s.s, puts away the Dresden china clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold fish globe.

Sides are chosen--usually with the husbands on one "team" and the wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the "husbands', team" to try to drink up all the "It's" liquor before the "wives' team" can get them to go home.

When the "It" returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for each player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several minutes. The "It's" wife then says, "Now--how about a few rubbers of bridge?" She is immediately elected "team captain" for the rest of the evening. It is the duty of the "team captain" to provide cracked ice and water, to get ready the two spare bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer's hand, to keep Eddie Armstrong from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when (1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the "It" (or three guests) have pa.s.sed "out," (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war experiences.

"Informal" drinking needs, of course, no such elaborate preparations and can be played anywhere and any time there is anything to drink. The person who is caught with the liquor is "It," and the object of the game is to take all the liquor away from the "It" as soon as possible. In order to avoid being "It," many players sometimes resort to various low subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with great disfavor--especially by that increasingly large group of citizens who are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of a "dry America" by consuming all of the present rapidly diminishing visible supply.

A JOLLY HALLOWE'EN PARTY

The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one's informal parties is something which has perplexed many a host and hostess in recent years. How often has it happened that just when you had gotten your guests nicely seated around the parlor listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered fellow would remark, "Oh, Lord--let's go over to the Tom Phillips' and get something to drink." How many times in the past have you prepared original little "get-together" games, such as Carol Kennicott did in Main Street, only to find that, when you again turned the lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening.

Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but Hallowe'en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a splendid opportunity for originality and "peppy" fun. The following suggestions are presented to ambitious hostesses with the absolute guaranty that no matter what other reactions her guests may have, they will certainly not be bored.

{ill.u.s.tration caption = Few people realize the value of picture post-cards as indicators of the birth, breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing so definitely "places" a person socially as his choice of these souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the above cards?}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes, the gentleman betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society when, having been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his coat and waistcoat during the warm evening of bridge, he, in doing so, reveals the presence of several useful cards hidden about his person.

This sort of thing, while often tolerated at less formal "stag"

poker-parties, is seldom, ever, permissible when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant of the fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally accepted authority on cards in the "beau monde."}

INVITATIONS

The whole spirit of Hallowe'en is, of course, one of "spooky" gayety and light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run riot; corpses dance and black cats howl. "More work for the undertaker" should be the leitmotif of the evening's fun.

The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, in the preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for instance, who gained a great reputation for originality by enclosing a dead fish with each bidding to the evening's gayeties. It is, of course, not at all necessary to follow her example to the letter; the enclosure of anything dead will suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, and the canons of good taste should always be respectfully observed.

Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out colored paper in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which appropriate verses are inscribed. Such as:

"Next Monday night is Hallowe'en, You big stiff."

or "On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even, My grandmother's maiden name was Stephens."

or "On Hallowe'en you may see a witch If you don't look out, you funny fellow."

or "Harry and I are giving a Hallowe'en party; Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be prompt.

or "Monday night the ghosts do dance; Why didn't you enlist and go to France, You slacker?"

Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow paper thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on each inch one of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom and fold the paper up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down with a "spooky" gummed sticker, and slip into a small envelope. When the recipient unfolds the invitation, he will be surprised to read the following:

Now what on earth do you suppose is in this little folder keep turning ha ha ha further ha ha ha further ha ha ha, further ha ha ha further

It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those guests whom you really want, and give them further details as to the date and time of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out of this invitation by failing to put postage stamps on the envelopes when you mail them; the two cents which each guest will have to pay for postage due can be returned in a novel manner on the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or stuffed tomatoes.

For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, the following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a number of small alarm clocks and a quant.i.ty of nitroglycerine or other high explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the nitroglycerine, being careful not to put too much; a quant.i.ty sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion will occur at 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated with witches, goblins, etc., on which is written

"Midnight is the mystic hour Of yawning graves and coffins dour.

Beneath your bed this clock please hide And when it strikes---you'll be surprised."

These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those of the guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your husband's business a.s.sociates, or because they were nice to your mother when she did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid hard feelings on the part of relatives and friends of the deceased, it might be well to explain to them that you sent the clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe'en fun; it might even help to invite them to one of your next parties.

RECEIVING THE GUESTS

On Hallowe'en night great care should be taken in the preparations for receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no pains should be spared in the effort to start the evening off with a "bang."

Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on the right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan to take the street number off your house and fasten it to the porch of your next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at home because they are perfectly impossible people whom no one would invite anywhere.

Extinguish all the lights in your own house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs twenty-five or thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your bewildered friends specifically where to go.

When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman which house on the block is really yours he will discover on your door a sign reading:

"If you would be my Valentine, Follow please the bright green line."