Pegasus: A Novel Part 5

"That whole family has a death wish," she said with disapproval. "I think her father pushes her to do it. He's a crazy old man who thinks that the only thing that matters is the high wire. She should at least use a net, but then I suppose the audience wouldn't love it the way they do. I'm not willing to take those chances. I have children," she said simply. Nick knew that she occasionally worked without a net, too, but less and less now. And when she didn't, Sergei stayed angry at her for weeks. The circus didn't expect her to take that kind of risk-they had Christianna to do that. And Christianna had a younger sister their father was grooming too. She was only thirteen and too young for the high wire. But soon she'd be up there.

Two days after the Christmas show, Nick and the boys celebrated a quiet Christmas Eve together. They had bought a small tree and decorated it in the trailer. Nick bought lights, and Toby helped him string them up outside. The trailer looked festive, but still pretty bleak. It was the thing Nick disliked most about circus life. He hated the trailer, and living less well than his horses. But it was their life now. And they all lived the same way in the circus.

Nick lit candles on the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, and it reminded them of Germany. He felt a lump in his throat as he sat with his children, trying not to think of the people they'd left behind and a lifetime of Christmases at the schloss. They'd been in Florida for almost two months, but in some ways it felt like an eternity to him. His sons were adjusting well, but there were times when he wondered if he would ever have a normal life again, among the people he'd grown up with, in the home his family had lived in for centuries. Everything here was new and totally foreign to him, except his children, and their horses. Everything else still felt strange. He questioned if he'd ever fully adjust to this life, or be allowed to go home again, or if he'd be an outcast forever.

All three of them were quiet as they watched the candles on the tree, thinking about what they missed most. And when the boys went to bed, he blew the candles out. He didn't want the trailer to go up in a blaze, but it had been nice to light them for a while. He thought about Alex and his father as he lay in bed that night, how they were faring, what kind of Christmas it was for them. He was worried about his father being alone, and he wrote to him often, but there was nothing he could do to help him now, and he knew that Alex was dropping by to see him as often as he could. And he a.s.sured Nick in his letters that his father was doing well. Nick hoped that was true.

There was a festive feeling on the fairgrounds for the week between Christmas and New Year's. People invited each other into their trailers for meals and a drink. Others went out and had dinner in town. The circus gave a big party in the main tent right before New Year's, which almost everyone attended, and Nick and his boys went too. It gave them a chance to meet new people and see the few they already knew. Nick heard every imaginable language around him, and was surprised by how many Germans there were, as well as numerous Italians and French.

With the emotions of Christmas behind them, there was New Year's to get through, and then the boys would go back to school after their vacation. They liked the school that other children from the circus went to. And their English was getting better. And they were to leave on tour in April. Nick was looking forward to it as a welcome change that would keep them busy. And it would be interesting to see new places, and discover America town by town, from one coast to the other. The boys were excited about it too.

They spent New Year's Eve with Gallina and Sergei and their family, and Nick and the boys went home shortly after midnight. He had let both boys have a taste of champagne, Toby more than Lucas, who only got a drop. He and Rosie played checkers and fell asleep long before midnight, and Nick carried him home when they left. It had been a nice way to end the year, with their new friends, and comforting to speak German with them and share similar traditions.

The next day, Nick was grooming the horses when he saw Lucas walk down the road with Rosie, heading toward the big top. He told him to be back in time for lunch, and Lucas promised that he would. And he had just finished brushing Pegasus, and started on Athena, when Rosie came running into the tent, in tears.

"Lucas got hurt!" she shouted at him in German. Nick stopped what he was doing and stared at her, terrified at what might have happened. He could have been trampled by an elephant, stuck his hand in a tiger cage, or been run over by a truck. In the world they lived in, anything could happen, and might have. There were plenty of dangers at the circus for a child, particularly one as adventuresome as Lucas.

"What happened? Where is he?" Nick asked her with a frantic look, dropping the brush.

"The big top ... he wanted to try the low wire, and he fell. I think he hit his head. His eyes were closed after and he didn't get up." Nick didn't stop to question her further-he ran as fast as he could toward the big tent, which was the center of activity of the fairground. He couldn't imagine what would have gotten into Lucas to play on one of the low wires, set up for practice for the high-wire acts. He ran into the tent, looking for him, and saw a small knot of people near one of the low-wire setups, and pushed his way through, fearing the worst. He had already lost his wife and one child, he couldn't bear the thought of losing another, adrift in this unfamiliar land, which made everything seem even worse. And he saw Lucas immediately, lying on the ground in his short pants and plaid shirt, but his eyes were open and he was talking when his father got to him, and then Nick saw who he was talking to. It was Christianna, in a white leotard and ballet shoes, kneeling on the ground, stroking Lucas's head. Lucas was smiling at her, and she had put a damp cloth on his head and told him not to get up.

Nick turned to her immediately, wondering how she came to be there, and if she had seen Lucas play on the wire. Maybe it had seemed normal to her.

"What happened?" he asked her in a sharp tone.

"I don't know," she said softly in English, in her strong Polish accent. He had never spoken to her before. "I came in right after he fell. He's all right, his eyes are fine. He got a b.u.mp on the head, but he can see clearly. We can call the doctor, but I think he will be better in a little while. And his neck is fine too." She knew what to look for and had checked. Her voice was very soft as she spoke to Nick, but she seemed sure of herself and unafraid, and she had been very gentle with the child.

Nick nodded and turned to Lucas then. "What made you do that? That was a very stupid, dangerous thing to do. You could have broken your neck." His own terror made him sound harsh, but he was scared more than angry. The low wire was only five feet off the ground, and was nothing compared to the high wire, but it was high enough for him to have done himself some serious damage. Nick was relieved he hadn't. He looked gratefully at Christianna, as he lifted the boy into his arms. And when he did, Lucas closed his eyes and said he felt sick to his stomach.

"I think he has a concussion," she said quietly. "But if you keep him in bed, he'll be better tomorrow." And then she smiled. "It used to happen to me all the time, in the beginning."

"Is that why you're brave and foolish enough to work without a net?" Nick said, only half-joking. Every time he'd seen her do it, it upset him. And as he gazed at her, he knew he had never seen such brilliantly blue eyes in his life, and they bored into him like a bright light she was shining on him. It took his breath away when he saw them and made him want to close his eyes. But he couldn't stop staring at her now. She was mesmerizing.

"It's what my family does," she answered simply, undisturbed by what he'd said. But it was also how her mother had died, and her father had gotten hurt. It sounded like a bad family tradition to him. "Would you like me to come and watch him with you for a while?" she offered, and Nick didn't know why, but he nodded, and the girl in the leotard followed him out of the tent, and walked quickly to their trailer with him. "I'll get the doctor if you like," she offered, but Lucas was talking animatedly on the way back, and seemed to be recovering rapidly, despite the nasty b.u.mp on his head. "I think he's all right," she said again, and walked cautiously into their trailer behind Nick with his son in his arms.

"You scared me to death," he scolded Lucas, who looked sheepish as his father laid him down on his bed, and went to get another damp cloth. Christianna already had it ready for him, and handed it to him when he turned around. He put it on Lucas's forehead and told him to stay there for a while, and then he came back into the living room to thank Christianna for her help. "He shouldn't have done that," Nick said, upset.

"They shouldn't leave the wire up. I always take it down after I work. People don't realize that it's still high enough to get hurt." He nodded and couldn't resist asking her a question, as her eyes burned into his. Her gaze was intense. And standing next to her, he realized what a tiny person she was. She was barely bigger than a child herself, but she was a woman, with infinite gentleness in her gaze as she looked up at him. There was something totally fearless about her that intrigued him, and the wisdom of the ages in her expression.

"Why do you do that? It's so dangerous. I watched you at the Christmas show, and it made me feel sick. I was frightened for you," he said gently. She fascinated him. "I'm sorry if I sounded harsh before, but I hate to see you do it."

"It used to make me feel sick too," she admitted, "but it doesn't anymore. I'm not afraid. That's why I can do it. It's the fear that makes you fall. If you're not afraid, you don't fall."

It sounded overly simplistic to him, and too confident and optimistic. "And if you slip?"

"I never do," she said quietly. He could see, talking to her, that she had no fear at all, at least not of the high wire. But something had happened to bring her parents down, other than fear. And they had been experienced too.

"You might one day. Isn't there some other way you can thrill the crowd?" he asked her bluntly.

"Not like that. That's what they want. It's why they come." And he knew that in part what she said was true. They loved the danger and the risk, he could sense that when he saw the crowd's reaction to her act. "Your horses are very beautiful," she said, changing the subject away from herself. "I like the white ones. They look like dancers, and what you do with them looks like ballet."

"It almost is, and when I work with them as a pair, it's called that." Nick smiled as he said it. "Do you ride?"

"I have. Horses frighten me," she said, with a small smile.

"I find that hard to believe. A woman who dances on the high wire without a net can hardly be afraid on a horse a few feet off the ground."

"They're unpredictable. You never know what they'll do. On the wire, I only have to depend on me." What she said was true.

"With a good horse, you can depend on them too. I'll show you sometime." She nodded and seemed to like the idea, and then they went to check on Lucas again. He was lying on his bed, playing with a toy, and he seemed fine. Lucas looked up and smiled at her.

"Thank you for helping me," he said with a shy smile.

"Don't play on my wire again," she said with a look that told him she meant it. She had a will of iron, and it showed in her eyes. She was a tiny person, with an enormous spirit. She had to be in order to do what she did. And then Rosie walked into the trailer looking for Lucas and Nick. Nick called out to tell her they were in Lucas's room. She appeared in the doorway looking panicked, and then burst into a broad smile when she saw he was all right.

"I thought you were dead," she said to her friend.

"I wasn't," he said proudly. "Just resting for a minute."

"You rested for a long time," Rosie said matter-of-factly. "I called your name and you didn't wake up."

"I hit my head, but it's better now. She helped me," he said, glancing at Christianna again, and she smiled.

"You were already awake when I got there, just a little dazed." She had gone to practice and found Lucas on the ground, coming to. Rosie had already run off to find Nick.

"I don't want you two out of my sight from now on," Nick scolded them both. "It's my fault for letting you go off on your own. I didn't know you'd be foolish enough to play on a wire."

"My mama won't let me play on it either," Rosie confessed to Nick, as Christianna walked slowly out of the room. There was nothing more for her to do, and she didn't want to intrude. Nick followed her to the front door.

"Would you like to come and see my horses sometime? You can ride Pegasus. I'll hold the reins."

"Not if he stands on his back legs," she said shyly.

"He knows not to do that if I'm not riding him or telling him to," Nick said with a warm look. "I won't let him frighten you. He's very tame. And Athena is even more so, if you'd rather try her."

"Maybe sometime," she said cautiously.

"You're welcome anytime," he said as she stepped out of the trailer into the winter sunshine. It was a warm day. "And thank you again for helping Lucas. He's lucky you were there and knew what to do." She had kept him from getting up too quickly, which would have been dangerous. He might have fainted and hit his head again.

"I'm glad he's all right." He could have broken his neck, too, which was what she had feared at first. It was how her mother had died. She smiled at Nick again then, and left, with her perfect tiny body molded by the leotard as she headed back toward the big tent. Nick stood and watched for a minute and then went back inside.

"She's pretty," Lucas volunteered as soon as his father came back into his room. "I like her."

"I do too," Nick said, smiling at him.

"Why does everyone say she's crazy? She's nice."

"Because she works without a net," Rosie explained. "That's a stupid thing to do. My mama says she does it because her father makes her do it, and he's crazy too. He must be really mean to make her do a thing like that." And as he left the two children to their conversation, Nick wondered if her father really did force her or if Christianna actually liked what she did. She seemed to, and had no qualms about it. To her, it was just work, like any other job. Most of the people in the circus seemed to feel that way, with no sense of how unusual it was. And many of them had done it for generations, unlike Nick.

He went out into the winter sun again, and sat on a chair someone had left outside the trailer next to them. There were four acrobats living in the other trailer, and they were often noisy at night. They were Chinese, from Hong Kong. And as he sat there, and lit a cigarette, Nick thought of Christianna again, how beautiful and delicate she was and how brave. He hoped she'd come to visit his horses sometime, and then he scolded himself. She was twenty-one years old, and he was about to turn forty-four. He couldn't even think about pursuing her as a woman, and yet she appealed to him immensely. He was riveted by her eyes. He went back inside then and pushed her from his mind. The last thing he needed was to get involved with a young girl at the circus, and he told himself that she probably thought he was too old anyway.

But in spite of his good intentions, she haunted him all day. He kept thinking of her expression when she talked about not being afraid of the high wire, or when he found her in the big top leaning over Lucas. There was something so gentle about her and at the same time so strong. He tried to forget about her and found he couldn't, and by the end of the day, he felt bewitched. All he could think of were those bottomless blue eyes.

He was still thinking about her when he went to feed the horses that night, and after he did, he turned and saw her standing there. She was silently watching him with the gaze that had him in her thrall.

"I thought about you all day," he said, not knowing what else to say. "I think you cast a spell on me." He smiled. He felt like a boy as he looked at her, and not a man of his age. The age difference between them seemed to melt as their eyes met and held.

"I thought about you too," she said slowly. "I came to see the horses." He nodded and beckoned her to him, and when she stood next to him, he lifted her up gently onto Athena's back. She was as light as a feather as he held her, and he led the mare out of her stall, holding her bridle.

"She probably can't even feel you, you're so light." He smiled at Christianna, who looked at him solemnly.

"But I'm very strong," she said proudly, pointing a graceful dancer's leg, and he laughed.

"I'm sure you are, Christianna. Strong enough to distract me all day." She didn't look afraid, despite what she had said earlier about being frightened of horses. And then he turned to look at her seriously. She looked like a fairy sitting astride the horse as she gazed down at him fearlessly. Neither of them said a word. They didn't need to. She had come to see him, not the horses, and he knew it. "What are we going to do now?" he asked her, as though they both knew what was going on. He wasn't sure of anything except that he had never known anyone like her. And whatever happened now was entirely up to her.

She leaned toward him then and put her arms around him as he held her on the horse, and he kissed her gently, knowing it was what he had wanted to do all day and what he felt compelled to do now. She kissed him back, and when they stopped, she smiled at him, as though it was what she had come here to do. He kissed her again, and as he did, he lifted her gently to the ground, and she stood in front of him, looking up at him. And all he knew was that wherever he was, no matter how far he had come, he had come home. He had come from another lifetime, another world, across an ocean to find her, and there was no doubt in his mind about what he was doing with her, and she appeared to feel the same way.

"I've been waiting for you. You took a long time to come," she said quietly.

"I had some things to do," he said, with his arms still around her. "We're going to have a problem about the high wire, Christianna," he warned her, which only seemed fair.

"We'll see," she said, not promising him anything either way.

"I didn't come here to watch you kill yourself." He had been widowed once, and he didn't want to fall in love with a woman who risked her life every night. He couldn't go through that again. "I need you here with me."

"I need you too ... maybe in time I won't need the high wire anymore."

"Is that why you do it? For the thrill?" He looked surprised. She didn't seem like that kind of person. She was serious and strong and wise beyond her years.

"No. I do it because it's expected of me. It's what my family does, and needs me to do. I'm the only one who can right now. My sister is too young, and she's afraid. My brothers are too big." Nick had noticed that her father was a far slighter man than his sons.

"Some of your family have been gravely injured or died. I don't want you to be next," Nick said as he nuzzled her neck and kissed her again. It suddenly felt as though this had always been meant to be, as though their paths had been destined to cross, and it was written years before, in another life. He couldn't get enough of her, just kissing her was dizzying, as was feeling her skin when he touched her face, or she touched his with gentle hands. She felt like velvet to him. "We'll talk about it later," he said, about the high wire. He couldn't think anymore. He just wanted to be with her, and feel her in his arms. She felt so small and frail, he was afraid to crush her.

"I can never be yours," she said in a sad, gentle tone, but her words surprised him.

"Why do you say that?" He looked hurt and worried as she lowered her eyes, but she didn't pull away. She was happy in his arms and didn't want to leave them.

"Because of who you are. I'm just a girl from the circus, and you were someone important in your other life. I can tell. And one day you'll go back. I don't know why you came, but I know you'll leave. You don't belong here. I do."

"I don't know if I ever will leave, or be able to go back," he said honestly, in a whisper. "And if I do, I'll take you with me. You're not just a girl in the circus, Christianna. You're a very special person." He already knew that. She had a quiet dignity about her, a n.o.bility and grace that made where they had met and where she came from irrelevant to him. He would have been proud to be with her anywhere, and he said it to her without hesitation.

"I will always be less than you because I come from this place," she said sadly. She understood it perfectly, but it wasn't how he felt about her. She was the most exciting woman he'd ever met. And he didn't care about his lost world now or the people in it. In an instant, she had catapulted into his life and made him feel part of hers. "One day you'll be ashamed," she said as though she knew that about him, but it was no longer true for him, and he knew it.

"Never," he promised her as they stood there. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nor do I. I will be the luckiest man alive if you're with me."

"You're a n.o.bleman, Nick. I'm just a girl in a high-wire act."

"Be quiet," he said firmly, "shhh ..." He silenced her then with a kiss, and Pegasus turned to look at them, and nodded. And Nick knew that all he could do now was prove to her that he meant what he said. Whoever she was, and wherever they had met, he was sure. The bond between them had formed, irreversibly, from the instant they first saw each other. And as they left the horse tent together that night, it was sealed.

Chapter 11.

Everything was different and infinitely better in Nick's life once Christianna entered it. They kept their romance quiet at first, which seemed wise. They went for long walks at night, away from the fairground, where people wouldn't recognize either of them. He just wanted to be with her, and talk to her, and learn more about her. They shared many of the same views of life, and about people, and even the circus, despite the difference in their histories and age. She was wise for a girl of twenty-one, and she made him feel younger than he was. On their next birthdays, he would be exactly twice her age, but neither of them cared.

"What would your father think about us?" Nick asked her one night, as they sat down on a bench to talk. They had been walking for an hour, and it felt good to get away. They had agreed not to tell her family yet, or his sons. They wanted to give themselves time first to get to know each other better, and protect what they shared.

"He'd be worried that you'll take me away. There's no one else to do the high wire, except me. My sister Mina is too young, she's only thirteen. And there has never not been a Markovich on the high wire for forty years. Until Mina is old enough, it's up to me. And she's afraid." Christianna never was, which added magic to her act.

"And if you fall, there won't be anyone either. Your father got hurt, and it killed your mother. How can he want you to do that?"

"It's our heritage. It's a tradition. My grandfather owned the best circus in Warsaw, and then he lost his money gambling and sold it. My parents came here when I was a baby, twenty years ago. The circus has always been our life. But it's not yours, Nick. One day you'll leave. My father will be afraid of that when he knows about us."

"Will he care about our age?" Nick was more worried about that and what people might say, that he was a cradle robber, or had seduced her, which he hadn't. Thus far, their relationship had been chaste, although they were falling in love with each other. But he didn't want to take advantage of her in any way, he loved her too much to do that. It was the first time he had ever felt like that, even with his late wife. Everything about Christianna was different. He felt as though he had come back to life again.

"He won't care about that," she rea.s.sured him. "He was twenty-eight years older than my mother. She was his second wife." Her father was seventy years old, and her oldest brother, by her father's first marriage, was almost forty, three years younger than Nick. "All he'll care about is that I don't leave the circus."

"What if you want to one day?"

"I've never known any other life," she said simply. But Nick wished he could share a better life with her, but he had no other life to offer her now, and even if he did, she was happy there. She had never wanted to leave. This was as much her heritage as his life in Germany had been his. And it was the only life she knew. It was enough for her.

They walked back to the fairground, taking their time, enjoying being together and getting away from the chaos they lived with, the jugglers and clowns and elephants, and people constantly swirling around them. And everyone was busy now, working on new acts and costumes, and getting ready to leave on tour in the spring. In spite of everything that had happened, Nick had never felt as peaceful before. Christianna had a calm about her that brought balance and strength to his existence. He saw everything differently now, and instead of contemplating his losses, he saw his new life now as a tremendous blessing, with her in it. He looked happy and relaxed, and so did she.

They did several shows before they left Sarasota, and warm-ups for the season. And when he watched her on the high wire now, he felt physically ill, even more than before he knew her. He was breathless with terror until she came down. He knew he couldn't stand it indefinitely-he was too frightened for her, and twice she nearly lost her footing. He was angry at her about it later, at night when they were alone.

"Do you realize what you're doing, Christianna? You're risking your life every time. You can't be that lucky forever." He looked miserable as he said it. He had been near tears while he watched her. It was the only thing they disagreed on.

"Yes, I can. My grandmother never fell. She died of old age."

"She's probably the only one. I know I have no right to change what you do, but I want you to keep your life, and stay alive for me."

"I will," she said solemnly, but it didn't calm him. He was frantic with worry for her now every time she went up the rope to her platform.

At the end of January, Nick saw in the newspapers that Hitler had openly threatened the Jews in his Reichstag speech. It didn't surprise Nick, but the rest of the world was shocked. Hitler saying that Europe would not have peace "until the Jewish question had been disposed of" made everything clear. It made him even more grateful that he had left after the general's warning to his father. He had obviously known what was coming.

A few weeks later, John Ringling North asked Nick and Christianna to come to his office, together. They were sure that he had found out about their budding romance and was going to scold them and voice his disapproval. There was nothing in their contracts that prevented them from being together-people in the circus had affairs with each other all the time, as they both knew, and some got married. But Nick was afraid he'd reprimand them anyway, and he looked tense when they walked into North's office. They both felt as though they were being called into the princ.i.p.al's office at school. But instead, he smiled broadly when he saw them. They had no idea what was on his mind, and tried not to look at each other for rea.s.surance.

"I wanted to bring you both in to discuss a thought I had. Christianna has been our biggest star since she turned eighteen," he said as he smiled at her. "And Nick, I think you're going to be. You're already heading there, and you haven't been on tour yet." But his Lipizzaners had been the hit of every show since he'd joined them, and Nick was a dashing figure. The women in the audience were crazy about him. He was a handsome aristocrat from Europe, riding a white horse. He was the essence of every woman's fantasies. And even the other performers talked about what a good-looking man he was.

"I'd like you both to think about doing part of an act together. I don't think we're going to get you up on the wire, Nick," he said, smiling at him, "but I love the idea of Christianna on one of your Lipizzaners. If you could work up part of an act together, during yours," he looked at Nick, "I think it would bring down the house. The handsome prince and the fairy princess. Can you ride?" he asked Christianna.

"A little," she responded, shocked at his suggestion, and relieved that they weren't in trouble.