Pegasus: A Novel Part 13

She found him slumped against the barn wall, in Pegasus's stall, talking to the horse in a low steady voice. He was reminding him of the trip over on the ship four years before, when he had lain down and nearly died.

"You've got to make the same decision now," he said, looking up at him, and Pegasus nodded, as though he understood, as Christianna stood in the distance and watched them. Nick had no idea she was there. "You decided to stand up when we were on the boat. I needed you then, and I need you now. You can't just give up, and neither can I. Toby wouldn't want that for either of us. He was a good boy, and he'd still be here if he could be. I think he'd be real disappointed in both of us if we give up." As he said it, tears came to Christianna's eyes. "I promise you, if you give it another shot, I will give you a good life. I will take care of you for the rest of your days. We're in this together." Pegasus nodded again, and Nick stood up and stroked him, and then he saw his wife, watching them both. "I didn't know you were here," he said quietly, embarra.s.sed by what she might have heard. He hadn't wanted to admit to her the depths of his despair, but she loved him and knew it anyway, and he could see it in her eyes.

"What did you do the night he got up again on the boat?" she asked, with a curious look at man and horse. She'd been thinking about it for several days, and hadn't wanted to bother Nick by asking.

"I just sat with him all night and begged him to stand up." Nick smiled at her, touched that she had come out to the barn. He knew how much she cared about them both. And he had been able to give her nothing emotionally for the past six weeks. He just didn't have it to give, and she understood. "I told him that my life would be over if he didn't stand up, and our lives were in his hands." It wasn't as true now, but in some ways it was. Nick was in no shape to withstand another blow and suffer another loss.

"Why don't we spend the night with him tonight?" Christianna suggested as she walked into the stall. "Let's just be with him, and tell him how much we love him and need him," she said, with a look of innocence, and Nick took her in his arms.

"You're an amazing woman. And I love you more than I've told you for a long time."

"I love you, too, Nick," she said softly, "and I love you, too, Pegasus. So get better, this has gone on for long enough. Everyone in the circus misses you, and that little black Arabian looks stupid compared to you, so you need to come back." She talked as though speaking to a child. Pegasus threw his head and whinnied as though he were laughing, as Christianna and Nick sat down in his stall, and Nick put an arm around her. He felt like the luckiest man in the world. And he hadn't felt anything like that for the past six weeks. He suddenly looked better than he had since mid-August, more like the old Nick. They sat in the stall and talked for a while, and then she leaned her head against him and fell asleep. And they woke up in the morning, with the sunlight streaming into the stall. Pegasus was looking at them, as though wondering what they were doing there, and there was an old familiar light in his eyes. Nick thought he could see something that hadn't been there the night before. Christianna could see it too. He looked the way he did right before a performance, when he heard their music and knew his cue to go on.

"Let's have a look," the vet said when he came. They lowered the sling, and gingerly Pegasus stepped out of it and looked around, and then he turned back as though laughing at Nick and trotted out of his stall. He roamed free for a few minutes, and then Nick gave him his familiar voice commands, and he came back immediately, looking steady and strong on his legs. The vet was beaming, and Nick had tears in his eyes. "Maybe he was just missing you these last few weeks," the vet said with a puzzled look. "There's no telling with horses, particularly as highly bred as these. They have their own mind." Nick glanced at Christianna, and she was smiling through tears.

"What do you think, doctor?" Nick asked the vet. He didn't want to put him at risk or lame him again. The vet checked his injured leg again before he spoke.

"His leg feels strong to me, and he's not having any problem walking on it. I think you take him home and go easy on him for a couple of weeks and see how he does. And since he injured a foreleg, I don't think you need to worry about it when he goes back to performing. All his weight is on his hind legs with the kind of work you do with him." He patted the big stallion's head and looked him in the eye. "You behave yourself, Pegasus. No more of this feeling sorry for yourself. You had us all worried sick. Go back to work!" Pegasus whinnied again, and Peggy gave them one of her horse trailers, and they were ready to leave that afternoon.

"I can't ever repay you for what you did," he said seriously. She had charged him minimal rates for boarding Pegasus, and had given her whole heart to help him. "You brought him back to life."

"No, I didn't," she said firmly, and she was sure of it. "You did, when you sat with him last night. I've never seen anything like it." And then she patted Pegasus before they put him in the trailer to go home. "You be a good boy, and don't give them any trouble. They're nice people, and they love you." She kissed him right between the eyes, and then Nick led him into the trailer. They were ready to go.

It took them four days to meet up with the circus again in Kentucky, and they'd been gone for exactly a week, not the two they'd planned. And everyone was excited to see Pegasus with them. They'd been afraid Nick would have to put him down, and so was he. But Pegasus looked as lively as ever when he saw Athena and the other horses. And when Nick took him out to exercise him, he was spirited as he ran around the ring. It took him a little while to get his strength back again, but Nick worked with him every day, and on the third week of October, in Raleigh, North Carolina, Pegasus made his triumphant return. He was back. It had been a long, arduous two months, and the hardest time of Nick's life, even harder than leaving Germany, or joining the circus. He had felt as though he were drowning ever since Toby's death. But he had surfaced again, and so had Pegasus. They had survived the worst, with Christianna's help. She had never looked more beautiful than the night they performed together again, in the center ring. She was glowing. Pegasus was flying. Lucas made a brief appearance on one of the Arabians. And even though he still missed Toby terribly, and knew he always would, Nick was a happy man. They had come through the storm, and survived.

Chapter 23.

By the time they got back to Florida for their winter break, Pegasus had hit his stride again, and Nick was almost back to himself. He was more subdued, and there were times when missing Toby still overwhelmed him, but he had good moments now too. And he was enjoying Lucas again. They even spent an evening with Gallina and Sergei. But poor Katja was still devastated. Toby had been her first love, and she still couldn't believe he was never coming home again. Nor could Nick, but it was the truth. It made him think of Marianne sometimes, too, losing her husband so soon, and widowed at twenty-one, with a new baby her husband had never seen. He hoped she was doing all right. And he was worried that he had heard from Alex very seldom recently, and hoped he was holding up, too, with the n.a.z.is right in his backyard. Nick was glad to be in Sarasota, and that he hadn't stayed in Europe. If he had, they might all be dead by now.

And as they settled back into their winter quarters, he noticed that Christianna was sleeping a lot, and tired all the time, although she didn't admit it. The three months since Toby's death had taken a toll on her too.

"Are you okay?" he asked her with a look of concern, on a day when she'd slept unusually late, again.

"I'm fine," she said, smiling at him. "Just tired."

"You're not old enough to be tired," he teased her. "That's for old men like me."

"You're not old." She smiled back at him. He was forty-seven years old. But he had been through a lot in the past four years. He was still as handsome as the first time she'd seen him, although since Toby's death, there was still something sad in his eyes, and maybe there always would be. Only time would tell. But she knew that in some ways losing a child was a deep scar that would never heal. And that night she was back in bed and sound asleep at an unusually early hour again. It was starting to worry him.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked her again the next morning. "It's not like you to sleep so much." She answered him vaguely, and a.s.sured him she was fine, but he had a strange feeling suddenly that she was hiding something from him. He'd been so involved with himself, his loss, and Pegasus's injury that for the past three months he had paid very little attention to her. He felt bad about it, but she was always patient and understanding, maybe more than he deserved. "What are you not telling me?" He was afraid suddenly that she was sick and didn't want to burden him with it. She hesitated for a long moment before she answered, which confirmed his worst fears, and he pulled her into his arms with a look of terror. Please G.o.d, he thought to himself, please don't let me lose one more person I love. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She smiled up at him as he held her. "I'm fine." And then she realized it wasn't fair to keep it from him any longer. And maybe he was ready to hear it now-he hadn't been for the past two months, and it might only have upset him more. "We're having a baby," she whispered into his chest, and then looked up at him with love in her eyes. He didn't answer for a minute, thinking of Toby and the daughter he'd lost, and wondered if he could do it again. He was obsessed now with anything happening to Lucas. He was the only child he had left. But he also knew that he didn't have the right to deprive Christianna of having her own child, and theirs. He closed his eyes as he held her, and then he looked down at her with greater tenderness than he'd ever felt for her before.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, but he already knew the answer to the question.

"It wasn't the right time." They both realized that was true. He was ready to hear it now, but he hadn't been for the past two months.

"How long have you known?" He felt guilty that she hadn't been able to share such important news with him.

"Awhile. About two months, soon after Toby died, and Pegasus got hurt. I couldn't tell you then. And you wouldn't have been happy. Are you happy now?" she asked cautiously, and he kissed her.

"Very, very happy. I want a little girl who looks just like you. When will it be?"

"In June. But I can still go on tour. Everyone does." He looked at her in amazement and started to laugh. He had grown up with women who languished for months, rested, took naps, pampered themselves, and complained, and she wanted to go on tour with the circus, and deliver somewhere on the road.

"You're crazy," he said, laughing at her, and then he realized what she'd been doing and got instantly upset. She'd been doing her high-wire act, even if with a net, doing his horse act with him, riding elephants, and touring the country for these two months. He wondered if that was why she hadn't told him, too-because she wanted to continue doing it all, and she knew he'd have a fit. "Wait a minute, you. I don't want you doing your high-wire act if you're pregnant, or riding with me. Christianna, be sensible. I don't want you to lose this baby," he said earnestly with a look of panic. He wasn't used to women like her, and she was stronger than she looked. She was accustomed to working hard and the things they did.

"I won't lose it," she said peacefully. "I want to do the high wire as long as I can. They have no one to replace me. And you need me too. I could do our act for longer than the high wire."

"What? And give birth in the center ring on tour? Christianna, I'm not going to let you do this!"

"Yes, you are," she said stubbornly. "You can't stop me!"

"Yes, I can! And I will. Does your father know?"

She shook her head. "I didn't want to tell him before I told you. That wouldn't be fair." Nick was touched by the respect. "But he won't mind. My mother did the wire before she had me, without a net," she said proudly.

"Wonderful! So she could have fallen even before she had you, and where would I be? Christianna, please ... please ... don't risk our baby, or you. I love you too much to lose you too. What if we take a year off and don't go on tour?"

"You can't do that in the circus. You lose your place." She knew more about it than he did, but the idea of her riding horseback, standing precariously on Athena's back, and doing a high-wire act, while pregnant, drove him insane. But even Gallina offered him no support this time, when he complained to her about it. She knew the ways of the circus too. It was a tough, cutthroat world.

"She's right," she told him. "She should work as long as she can, without taking insane risks. And there's no reason she can't have the baby on tour. There are hospitals everywhere we go." It was not the life he wanted to provide for his wife, but Christianna didn't seem to mind, and the argument raged on. Nick couldn't win it, no matter how hard he tried. She was loving and loyal, but also stubborn, and her family agreed with her and not with him. They had too many examples to prove him wrong.

She finally agreed to give up the high wire in March, during rehearsals for their tour, when she started to lose her figure. And he got her to ride a saddle and not stand on Athena's back, in their own act, and she wore filmier costumes so her growing belly didn't show. She was young and her body strong, so she was able to conceal it for a long time. But by late April even Christianna couldn't hide it any longer, and she had to bow out, for the next two months at least. Audiences were touched when the ringmaster announced it and told them why, and she took a bow every night, at the beginning of Nick's show. She looked beautiful in a pale silver gown, and he tipped his top hat to her as the Lipizzaner act began, but it frustrated her not to work till the end.

"Then you should have been a clown or a juggler," he teased her, loving to watch her and hold her as her belly grew. Lucas was thrilled about the new baby and hoped it would be a boy. And Nick was excited about it now too. The birth of their baby gave him hope, and a sense of starting life over again. It was the dawning of another era. The only thing that troubled him was that he wanted to give Christianna and the new baby, and even Lucas, a better life than they had now. He had been with the circus for almost five years now, and he was feeling old, and tired. At forty-eight, he wanted to give them more. And he still dreamed of having a ranch one day.

While he cherished his dreams for his family, and they waited for the new baby as they went from town to town, the war droned on. The Germans surrendered in North Africa in May, and the Allies were gaining strength. And in the last days of Christianna's pregnancy, the eyes of the world turned toward the Germans' brutal decimation of the Warsaw Ghetto, and their horrifying destruction of human life there. Because it was in Poland, Christianna was particularly upset. The Germans were monsters, and they had been systematically eliminating Jews from Europe. Nick realized every day that if he had stayed, he and his children would be long dead, and his mother probably was by now too.

When they got to Santa Barbara in June, Nick drove her to Santa Ynez as he always did, as a pilgrimage to his dreams. But they didn't stay at the hotel this time, she was too big and uncomfortable, and she was already two days overdue, which made him nervous. He was much more anxious than he had been when his other children were born. Maybe because he was older, or because Christianna seemed so delicate and so tiny to have this baby and he was afraid for her, and because the losses of recent years had hit him hard. He was desperately afraid that something would happen to her, but she seemed totally calm and at peace when she rea.s.sured him. And she always reminded him that Gallina and her own mother had given birth in their trailers. Nick did not find it rea.s.suring, and begged her not to do that to him. He wanted her in a hospital, with all the help she could get.

"I'll be fine," she said confidently.

"Yes, you will, in a hospital, with a doctor and lots of nurses in attendance. Let's not do this circus style, please." His origins showed in how he viewed it. He wasn't casual about her giving birth, and he wanted the best possible medical care for her. And he was relieved that for the next three weeks, they were playing all decent-sized cities. Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Spokane. He was perfectly satisfied to have her deliver in any of those towns, which was why he had agreed to let her come on tour. And she bounced along happily with a big belly, full of energy as she watched his act every night, waved at the crowd, and took care of Lucas. He wondered if it was her nature, or just youth. She was twenty-six years old, and she still looked fourteen.

On their way back from Santa Ynez, after visiting the bluff he liked to visit every year, they had dinner at the Italian restaurant and went home. Lucas was staying at Gallina's for the night and still loved spending time with Rosie, although at eleven, she was less of a tomboy now and acted more like a girl sometimes, which annoyed him. But he forgave her for it most of the time, and they were still friends.

Nick smiled at Christianna as they walked back to their trailer, after returning the car they had borrowed, and he chuckled at how huge she was. She looked like a circus ball with arms, legs, and a head. Her middle section was totally round. He loved holding her at night and feeling their baby kick.

He was doing just that a little while later in bed, when he felt her whole belly turn rock hard and Christianna made a face.

"What was that?" He looked startled, and so did she.

"Probably something I ate for dinner. Maybe the baby didn't like it." She had eaten very little, because she had no room, she said.

He felt the baby kick a few more times, and could feel a foot or an arm poking him, which made him smile, and then her stomach hardened again, and it worried him this time.

"Are you sure that's all right? Should we go to the hospital?" She laughed at him and rubbed her belly and it softened again.

"Of course not. You don't go to the hospital for indigestion." She smiled at him, but he wasn't convinced.

"How do you know it's indigestion?" He looked suspicious, but Christianna was unconcerned. She rolled over on her side and kissed him.

"I just know," she said, and kissed him again.

"I just want you to know," he reminded her, "if you get fresh with me, I'm not going to touch you. You're having a baby any minute. I'm not going to be responsible for doing something wrong or hurting it or you." She laughed again at what he said.

"I know, I know," she said, and they cuddled up together, and safe in his arms, she fell asleep. He loved curling around her and sleeping with her. Her existence in his life had brought him more comfort than he'd ever known, and he settled next to her and drifted off to sleep. He woke up when he felt her stiffen, and she gave a soft moan.

"Christianna? Are you okay?" He wasn't sure if she was awake or had been dreaming, but she answered him in a sleepy voice.

"I'm fine. My back hurts." He rubbed it for her, and she started to drift back to sleep and then jolted awake with a sharp stabbing sensation. He looked at her then and sat up in bed. And he could see that she was in pain.

"I think you're having the baby," he said in a strong, quiet voice. "I don't think this is indigestion." He suddenly realized that she was in denial, and she'd been having contractions earlier. "Come on, baby, let's go."

"I want to stay here," she said in a small voice.

"We can't," he said firmly. "I don't want you to have the baby here." He was definite about that.

"They won't let you be with me," she said plaintively, and then in a smaller voice, "I'm scared ..." And as she said it, a viselike pain gripped her, and she clutched his shoulders with both hands, and he could see in her eyes how bad it was.

"I'll stay with you if they'll let me," he promised. He got up, put on his pants and a shirt, his socks and shoes, then rapidly brushed his hair. "Come on," he said as he scooped her up in his arms, and wrapped her in the blanket. He tried to stand her up, but she could no longer walk, and he was panicked they had waited too long. He set her down on the couch in the living room. "I'll get the car." They had already arranged to borrow one from a trapeze act down the road, who had agreed to leave the keys on the seat. And when he got there, he found the keys, quickly started the car, drove it back to their trailer, and went inside to get Christianna. She was in the throes of terrible contractions and could barely speak. She stopped him when he tried to pick her up.

"I can't ... I can't ..." she whispered. "It hurts too much ... don't move me," she begged him, and then she screamed.

"Christianna, don't do this to me ... baby, please-let's go." But she was in agony, and he didn't have the heart to just pick her up and move her, she was in too much pain, and she wouldn't let go of him. He helped her lie down on the couch, and he ran next door to wake Gallina. "Get a doctor-an ambulance-somebody-she's having the baby!"

"I thought you were going to the hospital." Gallina looked at him in surprise, still half asleep.

"I think it's too late-she won't let me move her." Gallina woke up fast then, and promised to get someone there, the fire department if she had to. Nick ran back to their trailer, praying that someone would come soon. And by the time he got back to her, Christianna had gone back to their bed, and was writhing in agony.

"I can't ..." she kept saying to him, "I can't ..." and then she was racked by another pain, and he didn't know what to do, and finally he held tightly to her hands and looked her in the eye, and knew what he had to do. It was no different than Pegasus when he wanted to give up.

"Yes, you can," he said to her firmly. "Yes, you can. You're doing it ... it's going to be fine ... I'm right here-"

"No!" she screamed at him, as a pain bored through her that was so powerful, she felt like she was drowning and could no longer see him. Everything was underwater, except the pain that followed her everywhere, and she could hear him but she couldn't see him. And as he watched her, there was terror on his face. He didn't want to lose her or the baby if something went wrong, and then he laid her down gently, and when he looked, he could see the baby's head coming through, moving toward him, as Christianna screamed, one long unending howl of agony, until the baby lay in his hands, and she stopped screaming, and there was silence in the room. It was a girl, with the cord wrapped around her. She wasn't making a sound, but she was looking at him with wide-open eyes, and he was crying as he held her and turned her gently and tapped her back, and she took a breath and started to cry, and Christianna cried too.

"She's so beautiful," she said in awe. "And I love you so much." She touched his face, as they looked at each other and laughed and cried.

"I love you too." What he had just experienced had made up for almost everything that had happened to him. It was the greatest gift of his life. And so was Christianna. And their child.

He had no idea how to cut the cord, but he didn't have to. The fire department arrived five minutes later, and the firemen took over and knew what to do. They offered to take Christianna to the hospital, but she didn't want to, and the baby was fine. She was already at her mother's breast, and looking around with interest. And Nick knew he would never forget the instant she'd been born and what they shared. And maybe Christianna had been right. She didn't want to leave him, and if she'd gone to the hospital, he would have missed all of it. It was the greatest miracle of all.

The firemen checked Christianna's vital signs and the baby's, and helped them clean things up, and Gallina came to help too. And an hour later the firemen left and wished them luck. Other performers had gathered in the road by then, and Gallina told them what had happened, and everyone was happy for them. Lucas came to see his baby sister for a few minutes, and then went back to play with Rosie in the other trailer.

In their tiny room, Christianna lay holding their baby, and Nick looked at them both with adoration.

"You were fantastic," he praised her, "and so brave."

"No, you were. I'm so glad we were together," she said softly, as Nick stroked the baby's cheek and she slept in her mother's arms.

"Me too. You were right." She was right with most things. Christianna always seemed to know what was best for them. They had already agreed to call her Chloe if she was a girl, and Nick whispered her name, and then kissed Christianna. And as he looked at them, he knew that one day he'd give them a better life than this, in this tiny room in a trailer, touring all over the country, with no place to call home. He knew he would do it-he didn't know how, but he would. Christianna deserved it, and so did their baby, and Lucas ... but for now, what they had just shared was a miracle in itself, and enough for them both. He curled up in bed next to them, and all three of them went to sleep. It had been a very big day.

Chapter 24.

A year later, in the spring of 1944, when Chloe was nearly a year old, the tides were turning. The Allies were bombing Germany relentlessly, and landing in Europe, the Russians were pushing the Germans back, and Adolf Hitler's forces were finally losing ground. It was a long time coming, and it wasn't over yet. But there was hope at last that Hitler might not conquer the world. Things were moving in the right direction.

Nick was worried about his old friend Alex-he hadn't heard from him in nearly a year. The letters just weren't getting through anymore. He had heard from Marianne, and she had had no word of her father either. Nick just prayed he was still alive. Marianne's baby was two years old by then, and she was living with her parents-in-law at Haversham, and she said it was a peaceful life, but there was an unmistakably sad tone in her letters. At twenty-three, she had lost a country, a home, a husband, and possibly a father. She said the great joy in her life was her little girl. She was a year older than Chloe, Nick and Christianna's baby, who was the light of his life too.

After Alex had helped get the tenant farmer's friend close to the Swiss border, and concealed him in his wine cellar before that, there had been others, Jews who had remained hidden or been overlooked, and were trying to escape before they were sent to camps. Most were men who had the strength to survive the hardships, and were wily enough to flee the Germans, and live in hiding or on the run. There had been women on a few occasions, and once two little girls whose entire family had been taken-they were trying to get to their aunt in France, who was willing to conceal them there.

Alex had never planned to help them, but each time the opportunity came, he rose to the occasion and did what he could. There was no formal underground, just a handful of people who were brave enough to help. It was the only thing that gave meaning to his life now. Marianne was safely in England with the Beaulieus and her baby, he hated his countrymen, and he was willing to do almost anything he could to undermine the n.a.z.is, and he had a perfect front as a distinguished aristocrat whom no one suspected. And in time it took over his life. It had become his reason for living, and he continued to help and conceal people, a.s.sisting them to escape. He knew it was his mission. And he had gotten bolder as he gained more experience. Still the local high command treated him with respect. He was just a local n.o.bleman alone with his horses, and they saw him out riding every day. He was on cordial terms with all the officers, and had invited them to dinner several times. They thought him a charming man.

In June 1944, the Allies began landing on the coast of northern France. Hoping they would come soon, and wanting to clear a path for them, Alex helped a group of men blow up a train carrying rockets and munitions, to do all he could to wreak havoc for the n.a.z.is. It had gone well.

Alex worked as part of a six-man team that night, with one woman among them. It was the first time he'd done anything like it, but he had agreed to join them, when they said they needed his help.

They had a surprisingly easy time laying the wire for the explosives, and they were bringing in the dynamite later that night, by wheelbarrow and by hand and by car. Alex was planning to walk through the woods to them. He was fearless, and if they killed him, he didn't care. Marianne was safe with the Beaulieus, and the world he knew and loved had been blown to smithereens in the past five years. Nothing he had ever held dear still existed. And whatever he could do to destroy the n.a.z.is as revenge seemed fair.

He carried feed bags full of explosives that night, and handed them man to man to set them. And then they all waited in the woods for the train the next morning, and when it appeared at dawn, they lit the fuses. The reaction was immediate. The train was blown to kingdom come and everything in it. Their mission had been accomplished. They disappeared like mist into the woods, and Alex walked home through the forest. He had just reached the path to the schloss, when the colonel appeared out of nowhere on Favory. The horse still recognized the man who had trained him and pawed the ground when he saw Alex. Alex smiled at both rider and man, and looked like a gentleman out for a morning walk.

"Going somewhere, Count?" the colonel asked him with an evil glint in his eye.

"Just out for a morning walk, Colonel. How's our friend there? He looks lively. Is everything all right? It sounds like you had some trouble this morning." The entire neighborhood had heard the explosion. There was no way to ignore it. Alex couldn't pretend not to know.

"And where were you an hour ago, Count?"

"Getting some air," he said innocently, as the colonel watched him. Alex could see he was suspicious, but he was fearless.

"Along the train tracks? It stinks of dynamite there," the colonel said angrily. It would go badly for him that the explosion had happened in his district and on his watch. And the high command was sensitive these days to betrayals and failures. The colonel didn't want that on his record, and Alex knew it.

"Does it?" Alex said benignly. And as he did, the colonel pulled a gun on him and pointed it at his head from the distance.