Out Of Love Part 34

"Off and on." Mostly on.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Like what? Leave your husband and do something that goes totally against your nature?"

Brooke pressed her fist against her mouth as she seemed to weigh whether or not to say what she was thinking. "Who knows, Carmen? If you'd asked me at the right time, I might have said yes."

The words came down like a sledgehammer inside her, and her first thought was to ask herself when that right time might have been.

"It's not like I could have f.u.c.ked things up any worse."

Brooke had always needed a port in a storm, but Carmen knew deep down she would never have been more than that.

"That wouldn't have been enough for me. I wouldn't have settled for anything less than you being outrageously happy." She held up a hand to stop Brooke from cutting her off. "If we had gone down that road and it hadn't worked out, it would have killed me. And it might have screwed up our friendship. That's a risk I would never take."

"Oh, Carmen." Brooke scooted along the couch to wrap her arms around her waist and lay her head in her lap. "Next to my girls, you being my friend is the best thing in my life."

Carmen returned the embrace, such as it was. "That's how I've always felt about you too."

Brooke sat up again and faced her. "So where does that leave Judith?"

Judith . . . who was probably still sitting on the park bench.

"I'm in love with her."

"And you're sure it's her you're in love with?"

"There isn't a doubt in my mind."

233.

"Obviously, she knows about me."

"I've told her the truth-that you and the girls are like family to me, and I expect things to be that way forever."

"So what's going to happen? Is she going to move here?"

She told Brooke about Victor, and how Judith felt obligated to take care of her brother. "When has anything having to do with my love life been easy?"

"Never, but you've got me beat. At least you haven't had a whole life of misery."

Words like those always melted Carmen's heart, but Brooke had no idea of the lonesome sadness of unrequited love.

"You would have been the perfect husband, Carmen."

"I know. I used to think the same thing." She chuckled at the irony. "I need to let Judith know that everything's okay. It is, isn't it?"

Brooke nodded, but didn't look up.

"Would you like to meet her?"

A quick shake of the head told Carmen that things weren't as okay as she hoped. "Not today. I'm feeling a little bit . . . jealous."

She finally looked up and waved her hand at Carmen's confusion.

"It's not rational. Don't try to make any sense out of it . . . I just feel like she's stealing the only person who always puts me first."

"You know I'll always be there if you need me. And I'll always need you."

"So this Judith thing is serious."

"I think it is."

Brooke stood and looped her purse over her shoulder. "At least promise me you won't ever leave Chicago."

"I can't"-a part of her brain said she should stop right there-"imagine leaving my home."

" . . . and this is where I spent my formative years," Carmen said, swinging open the door of a small bedroom. "I had the 234 smallest room in the house, but at least I didn't have to share."

Judith stepped inside to look around. A twin bed was situated beneath a window, and a bureau and dresser crowded the opposite wall. "I wish I'd had a camera when we walked in the front door. Your mother's face was priceless."

"I told you she'd freak out."

"But your dad acted like he didn't even notice anything unusual."

"Probably because he didn't. Before he retired, he was the best surgeon there was-totally focused. But outside the operat-ing room, he couldn't find his car in the parking lot."

"That sounds a lot like someone else I know."

Carmen glared at her before breaking into a grin. "I remember the things that really matter . . . most of the time."

"Especially when Cathy reminds you." Judith walked over to the window and looked out. "Did you ever climb out this window onto the roof?"

"Just once. I sneaked out with Mark one night, but Dad heard us walking around out there. The next day, he made us go out again and clean the gutters."

"That sounds fair." Judith loved the image of a teenage Carmen filled with mischief. It almost rivaled the adult version.

"I love how this house feels, Carmen. I bet it was fun growing up here."

"It was a crazy place most of the time."

"I can't imagine living with so many people."

"I couldn't even take a shower without somebody coming into the bathroom. Did you know that all guys flush the toilet while they're still peeing?"

Judith laughed, instantly thinking of Kevin. "Yes, I think I did know that."

Carmen tugged her into an embrace. "Did you also know that I love you?" She followed her question with a tender kiss, then shot a sideways glance toward the bed. "I used to lie there in that 235 bed at night, touching myself and dreaming about you."

"You did not."

"I did." She looked intently into Judith's eyes, her expression serious. "I never imagined your face, but you touched me with the love I always wanted to feel."

Judith was moved by the rare show of solemnity and candor, and buried her face into Carmen's neck. "I love you so much."

"Carmen?" Elaine Delallo was calling up from the bottom of the stairs. "Dinner's ready. You and Brooke-I mean . . ."

"It's Judith, Mom."

"I'm so sorry."

As they started down the steps, Judith was amused by the mortified look on the woman's face. "It's all right, Mrs. Delallo.

Carmen does it too."

"I do not."

In a gloomy scene Judith thought was becoming too familiar, she and Carmen stood at the window watching for the airport limo.

"I'll try to come to New York on Friday. It's my turn."

"There's no rule that says we have to take turns. I'm not the one who has to go to San Diego next week."

"I know, but I hate for you to have to turn around and make this trip again."

There was more to Carmen's reluctance than that, but Judith couldn't put her finger on it. "Do you not want me to come?"

"That's not it."

Judith shook her head. "Then what is it? I feel like you've been holding me at arm's length ever since we got home last night."

"I have not. Why would you even say something like that?"

"Because this thing with Brooke is eating at you, whether you admit it to yourself or not."

236.

"What thing with Brooke are you talking about? I told her about you-that I loved you."

"Yes, and . . ."

"And what?"

The growing agitation in Carmen's voice was unsettling.

"Why were you so upset on the way home last night?"

"Why do you think? My mother called you Brooke twice."

"And I made a joke both times. That's all I can do. You don't have to make it such a big deal."

Carmen sighed and stared out the window.

"And I'm also worried because you didn't want to make love last night. It was like there was a wall between us."

"A wall?" Carmen's pained look took her by surprise. "I went to sleep with both arms around you and my head on your shoulder. When did I ever do that before?"

It was true that she usually slept on her stomach facing away, even after intense lovemaking. Last night had been different in more ways than one.

"Judith, I felt closer to you last night than I ever have, so I don't know anything about this wall you're talking about."

"Carmen . . ." They both looked up as the limo pulled to the curb in front of the building. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"This isn't all about s.e.x for me. I hope it isn't for you."

"Of course it isn't. But last night was different, and you should have talked to me about how you were feeling."

"Brooke made me think about things." Carmen took both of her hands. "But they were good things, like how much I love you and why."

Judith sighed, frustrated with herself for misreading Carmen's sweet gesture last night. "Can I just backs.p.a.ce and erase the last five minutes? I'm sorry I said that."

"What if I just forgive you instead?"

The phone rang to announce the car. Prissy began to bark when Judith grasped her suitcase and rolled it toward the door.

237.

"Let me come to New York on Friday," Carmen said when she hung up the phone. "I promise to make love to you all weekend."

"With me, not to me. Then we have a deal."

"You drive a hard bargain."

"I want what I want."

"And you shall have it."

238.

Chapter 19.