Out Of Love Part 13

She was lucky to have her brother only a few stops away across the river. It had taken nine years to secure Victor's place-ment at the Wyckoff Center for Independent Living, a thera-peutic group home for mentally r.e.t.a.r.ded adults. Just a two-block walk from the Bergen Street station, she could get there from work in less than thirty minutes. She was proud of her brother's progress since coming to Wyckoff two years ago. He now held a part-time job cooking fries during the lunch shift at a fast-food restaurant. That was an extraordinary accomplishment for a man doctors said might not live to see his tenth birthday.

She was looking forward to seeing him after missing their usual Sunday jaunt to their mother's house in Greenpoint. Victor sometimes had difficulty adapting to variations in his routine, and a Wednesday visit like this one could be disruptive if it happened to fall on one of his "agitated" days. But she had called the shift supervisor this afternoon to confirm he'd had a good day so far, and they promised to have him ready to go out with her for a walk.

The weekend couldn't come soon enough for Judith. She needed some downtime to get her head back together. Her return to work after the convention had been difficult, and not just because of the incident with Carmen. That was enough to ruin her whole week, but it wasn't her only letdown. All three of the positions she had found on the job board were filled over the weekend, probably through personal contacts at the convention.

Her best prospect, Zeigler-Marsh, was now out of the question, thanks to Sofia's part in Carmen's charade. That left her stuck at Rainbow, which felt like a sinking ship now that Celia had won the job at the network.

She had tried not to dwell on the fiasco with Carmen, pushing it out of her mind as quickly as it would enter. The whole episode had gotten deeply under her skin. When she woke up on Monday morning, she had a whole new perspective, and her 89 head was full of things she wished she had said. She had even toyed with the idea of sending an e-mail to get it off her chest.

But Carmen probably hadn't given her another thought since returning to Chicago, so nothing she had left unsaid really mattered now. A part of her wished they had just gone ahead and screwed their brains out and let that be all there was to it.

Lost in her rumination, Judith almost missed her stop. At the last moment, she darted off the train and climbed the stairs. The group home was inconspicuously situated two blocks south among a row of apartments.

Knowing the tile floor inside would be spotless, she wiped her feet on the bristled mat at the front door and rang the bell. A crackly voice answered and she leaned into the box to announce herself. "Judith O'Shea. I'm here to see Victor."

When the lock clicked, she opened the door and entered.

The reception counter was vacant, but there was plenty of activ-ity in the common area. To her left was a large day room, where several staff members and residents watched a game show on television. The staffers seemed to be in a heated compet.i.tion to see who could guess the puzzle first. There was no sign of Victor, but he didn't care much for television, preferring instead to sit in his room at night and color.

A thirty-ish man emerged from the office with an armload of papers. "Hi, Judith."

"Hi, Russ. How's it going?"

"Not too bad. We just finished dinner." He dropped the papers in a plastic recycle bin and handed her a clipboard. "You and Victor going out?"

"Yeah, maybe just down to the arcade." She spun the clipboard around and filled in the required information. "Is he doing all right?"

"Yeah, he got a small burn on his arm today from the grease at the restaurant, but we put some salve on it."

A black woman joined her at the counter. "Have you come to 90 get my boyfriend?"

Judith grinned at the woman's brashness. She appreciated the way Stacey fussed over her brother. "Yes, but I'll bring him back before he misses you too much." She followed Stacey down the hall to the room Victor shared with two other men. He was sitting at a small desk meticulously coloring in a book.

"Victor, look who's here."

More than any sight in the world, Judith loved her brother's smile, especially the first one when she hadn't seen him in a few days. "Hi, Vic. I missed you."

Victor blushed and looked back at his coloring book, still grinning.

"Want to go for a walk with me?"

He looked to Stacey for an answer.

"You can go, Victor."

Still smiling, he began the arduous process of returning his crayons to the box. He was particular about getting each one into a certain slot.

"You can do that when you get back, honey. I'll save it for you. Go get your coat from the closet."

The preparations took almost ten minutes, but finally they walked out the front door. Their gait was slow because Victor's left foot was turned inward. Judith hooked her arm through his to hold him close. He usually liked the physical contact of hugs and pats, though he had no understanding of how to reciprocate.

"I missed you this week, Victor. Did you miss me?"

Another bashful smile was her answer. Judith liked to imagine that he understood her words, even though he had never spoken.

He was generally mild-mannered, but capable of physical rage if he stayed agitated for more than a few hours. Of all the people close to Victor, Judith was best at keeping him on an even keel.

"I went to a convention last weekend for work. That's why I didn't come on Sunday." If her absence had mattered to her brother, she couldn't tell.

91.

"I met some very nice people. One of them sort of played a trick on me that wasn't very nice, though." Victor seemed to like to hear her talk, and since he never judged her or offered advice, he made a great sounding board. "I guess it wasn't really a trick.

She was nice to me and acted like she wanted to be my friend, but I'm not sure it was me that she liked. I think she only liked me because I looked like somebody who was already her friend."

They stopped at the corner of State Street, where Judith instructed her brother to wait at the crosswalk. "Now watch for the white stickman to blink." She hung back and allowed him to respond, which he did when the signal flashed. Then she praised him profusely as they crossed the street, prompting a proud grin.

Gamers Arcade was jumping with its usual crowd of adoles-cent boys, a few of whom snickered as they walked in. Judith shot them a stern look before walking Victor to the back where an alcove housed two auto racing games side by side. "Which one do you want?" Having him choose from two options and demonstrate his choice by sitting down at the controls was a complex task, the sort of thing she worked on every time they were together. Victor had come a long way from responding to simple one-step commands in order to receive a piece of a cookie. He now performed many of his hygiene and room care tasks on his own, and he no longer required primary reinforce-ment.

He slowly climbed into the seat on the left and she took the other one. Both grasped their steering wheels and pretended to drive. Victor was mesmerized by the video screens, which showed rapid lane changes, obstacles and a blurred landscape.

"That woman I told you about, she was really pretty." That word always made Victor blush. "She had big brown eyes, even darker than yours. I bet you would have thought she was pretty too."

She dropped three quarters into his machine, knowing he would wreck his race car in no time flat. But he liked the sounds 92 of the rumbling engine, the screeching tires and the horrific crashes.

"Her name was Carmen and she was a big shot at the convention I went to. Everybody there wanted to talk with her. I felt lucky because she wanted to be with me."

When his last vehicle slammed into the wall, he fingered the coin slots, clearly hoping she would add more money so he could play again. Instead, she handed him the quarters one at a time and guided him through the process of inserting them.

"We talked about things, like back when Daddy died. And I told her you were my big brother and you lived in Brooklyn."

He finished the game and touched the coin slot again.

"I don't have any more quarters. But I brought you something else you like." She held out a candy bar and smiled as his face lit up. "We have to walk back to your house. Are you ready to go?"

He followed her outside, and she gave him the candy after they had crossed the street so he could enjoy it without distractions.

"I wish I could tell her just one more thing but I probably won't ever see her again." When he finished the candy, she hooked her arm in his again. "Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm lucky to have a big brother like you to talk to."

Carmen shed her coat and slid into the booth at La Cantina across from Brooke. "Sorry I'm late. I had to run home and take the princess out."

Brooke shook her head and laughed. "No one buys your shtick about not loving that dog. You spoil her like a child."

"I do not. If I hadn't gone home she would have found the thing I love most and chewed it up."

"I told you to get a child gate and close her off in the kitchen."

93.

"I did. She gnawed on the bottom of my cherry cabinets.

Cost me six hundred dollars to get them refinished."

"She doesn't do things like that when Healey's there."

"That's because she's saving up to punish me when I get home."

The waiter appeared to fill her winegla.s.s from the bottle Brooke had already selected. Carmen didn't bother with the menu, ordering a chicken Caesar salad.

"Cathy isn't here, you know. I won't tell her if you order a steak."

"I had a big lunch." That wasn't true. Carmen hadn't had much of an appet.i.te since coming back from New York.

"I'm so glad to get out of the house. Geoffrey's driving me crazy."

Lately, it seemed the only times they talked were so Brooke could dump about Geoffrey. Carmen liked being the friend Brooke turned to when she needed to vent, but she enjoyed it more when they got together just for fun. "Everybody needs a break once in a while."

"I'm starting to need them more than just once in a while. If I could, I'd go out every night."

That didn't sound good, but it was old news. Brooke and Geoffrey practically lived on the rocks. Carmen would listen to the rants, but she drew the line at giving advice, because her advice would be to leave him. She couldn't say something like that without worrying she was doing it for selfish reasons.

"He comes to dinner every night and hardly says a word to anyone. Then he has the nerve to whine about . . ."

Brooke's hair looked blonder than usual, as if she recently had it colored. Carmen might not have noticed except it was so much lighter than Judith's, which had a soft reddish tint. Judith's hair was also shinier, and Carmen would bet the color was natural.

" . . . at least I think so. It's not my job to keep him entertained."

94.

Carmen nodded, realizing she hadn't heard a word Brooke had said. "What did he say about you taking the job?"

"I haven't even told him. I think I'll just wait and see how long it takes him to notice I'm gone all day."

The waiter delivered their dinner, and Carmen was surprised to discover she was hungry. As he set Brooke's dish in front of her, he accidentally tipped over her near-empty winegla.s.s, spilling a small amount on the tablecloth.

"I'm so sorry, madam." He covered the spill with a napkin and soaked it up. "I'll bring another gla.s.s."

Carmen smiled and thanked him, but Brooke never even acknowledged his presence. It wasn't exactly rude, just dismissive, and it brought to mind how Judith had handled her mishap at lunch. There probably weren't many people who would have been as nice about that as she was.

" . . . and Geoffrey only has two reactions to everything.

Either he doesn't care, or the way someone else is doing it is wrong. So it doesn't matter what I do."

Carmen considered telling Brooke about her weekend, including the whole sordid tale of Judith, but she feared where that conversation might lead. If it turned serious, she might find herself having to explain to Brooke why she found herself s.e.xually drawn to her near-twin. And if it turned frivolous, they would end up laughing about it, and she didn't want to laugh at Judith's expense.

A lot of their conversations were like this one tonight-one-sided, with Carmen listening as Brooke bared her soul. It wasn't anything new, nor was it something Carmen worried about. She liked listening, and when they talked about Brooke's feelings and not hers, she didn't have to guard her words. Cathy and Sofia said they knew how she felt about Brooke long before the night she got drunk at Brooke's first wedding and told them. But Carmen had convinced herself that Brooke didn't know, and that's the way they would keep it.

95.

" . . . and then he comes to bed when I'm half asleep and wants to f.u.c.k."

Carmen was jarred from her thoughts. This was a consequence of never wanting to talk about her feelings. She had to let the conversation go wherever Brooke decided to take it, and her intimate relationship with Geoffrey was territory she abhorred.

Twenty-five years ago, it was both fascinating and devastating to hear Brooke talk about having s.e.x with men, but Carmen had heard enough details since then to render her numb. Now it was something she simply stored in the recesses of her mind, where she could almost pretend it didn't exist.

"At least we still do that well. Seems like the only time we really get along is when we're f.u.c.king, but that's because we don't even talk anymore. As long as we both get off, who needs the afterglow? I sleep well."

The waiter came to ask if everything was all right, which made Carmen notice she had barely touched her dinner after all.

She allowed him to take it away, though, hoping it might bring an early end to their evening. She was tired and wanted to be alone.

"If I ever start talking about getting married again, please just slap me upside the head and tell me that people don't have to be married to f.u.c.k." Brooke s.n.a.t.c.hed up the bill when it came. "I invited you, remember?"

Carmen chuckled when she saw Brooke squinting at the small print. Brooke was too vain to admit she needed reading gla.s.ses.

They stood and Carmen helped her with her coat. "When do you start work?"

"Monday."

When they stepped outside, Carmen started to wave for a cab.

"I have my car. I'll drop you off."

"Okay."