Out Of Love Part 12

Carmen sighed. "It's complicated."

"It's a yes-no question. How hard can it be?"

"There's never been anything between us. She's married . . .

and very straight. You know how that is."

"In other words, you couldn't have her, so you wanted me."

She started to get up, but Carmen stopped her.

"It isn't like that. Please don't make this out to be worse than it is."

"You all must have had a spectacular laugh last night after dinner."

"No, we didn't." Carmen grabbed both her hands and squeezed them. "I promise you, no one laughed at you. Sofia did ask me in the taxi if I might be insane-which under the circ.u.mstances was probably a fair question."

As uncomfortable as things were, Judith appreciated Carmen's efforts to lighten things up. Carmen wasn't some evil, manipulative person, but no amount of charm would fix this mess. "This is too weird for me. I'm sorry."

"Me too . . . sorry, that is. Not weird . . . well, maybe I am a little." She slumped against the back of the couch and sighed heavily. "I bet you're too principled to just go have mind-blowing s.e.x anyway."

Judith couldn't help but chuckle. "I'm afraid my libido left town about five minutes ago. Besides, I have this thing about wanting to hear my own name called out in the throes of pa.s.sion."

"That's kind of old-fashioned, don't you think?" Carmen got up and walked over to the mini-bar. "I usually have a drink or five when I feel like s.h.i.t. Would you like one?"

"No, thanks."

Carmen turned back and looked at her with genuine regret.

"I'm sorry, Judith."

"So am I."

83.

"Just out of curiosity"-Carmen emptied a mini-bottle of scotch into a gla.s.s-"was there any way I could have handled this better, or were we doomed from the start just because you happen to look like Brooke?"

"Would you have given me your raincoat if I hadn't looked like Brooke?"

"Probably not."

Judith wanted to ask if they could just back up and start over.

But this wasn't about them getting to know each other and forg-ing a relationship. It was an affair at a convention between two virtual strangers. The only thing left to do now was get out with her dignity intact. "I had a good time this weekend, thanks to you. Obviously, things didn't turn out the way either of us would have liked, but I'm still glad I met you."

"I hope you mean that."

"I do." Judith closed the distance between them and kissed her lightly on the cheek. "Take care of yourself. I mean that too."

84.

Chapter 8.

" . . . added two more intercept sites so that's going to make the Asia contingent happy. Richard thinks we could pick up China within eighteen months if the contacts are there," Lenore said.

Standing behind her desk, Carmen peered through smudged reading gla.s.ses at her notes, the ones she had scribbled on the plane last Monday in an attempt to focus on anything but the debacle on Sunday night. They had put this meeting off for two days so Cathy could return to Chicago by train. "Whose idea was it to add sites?" There was a belligerence in her voice that she was powerless to stop.

Lenore shuffled her papers. "I, uh . . ."

"It was yours, Carmen," Cathy said evenly. "I have it in my notes from the meeting on the third."

"I don't remember anything about it."

85.

"Yes, you do. And you thought it was brilliant at the time. You said you had been looking for a client to pay for picking up Portland and San Jose. Both have flights to Narita, so you suggested adding it to the Asia budget."

Carmen sighed and dropped the folder on her desk. Yes, it had been her idea. And no, she didn't feel like having this meeting. She didn't feel like being in this office at all.

"So . . . should we go ahead with setting this up?"

Lenore was saying something.

"Carmen?"

"Yes, yes. Go ahead." She waved her hand as if shooing a fly.

"It's yours. I want you to take over all of Syndicated from this minute on, okay? I'll handle the custom side, but I can't deal with both anymore. That's why you were promoted." She glanced up to see Cathy tip her head toward the door, urging Lenore to leave.

Lenore closed the door on her way out and Cathy set her folder on the coffee table.

Carmen knew what was coming next and she didn't want to hear it. "I don't want a lecture."

"Okay, fine. Can we just talk one friend to another?"

Carmen came around the desk and dropped onto the sofa in the spot Lenore had just vacated. Leaning forward, she ma.s.saged her temples. "Do we have any aspirin?"

Cathy ran her hand gently along Carmen's shoulders. "I'm sure I can find you some. Do you have a headache?"

Carmen nodded.

"Do you want to lie down?"

"No. Not here, anyway. I wouldn't mind lying down in front of a bus."

"Maybe you should spend a couple of days at home relaxing.

I don't think anybody here would begrudge you a little time off."

Carmen leaned back against the sofa and closed her eyes.

Going home wouldn't do her any good. She couldn't outrun 86 what was eating her. "What the f.u.c.k was I thinking, Cathy?"

"Does this have anything to do with what Raul told me this morning?"

"s.h.i.t. It's all over the office, isn't it?"

"No, as far as I know, it's just you, me and Raul. He said he's been avoiding you since he got back because he thought he was in trouble."

"He's not."

"I know. I told him that."

"So what was I thinking? Was that just the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life, or what?"

Cathy chuckled. "Nah, you've done way stupider things than that. Besides, I didn't think it was stupid for you to have a good time with somebody you liked. I was glad to see it for a change.

You haven't even had a date since when?"

"Robin, two years ago."

Cathy nodded. "I never cared for her. But I have to admit, she had you looking buff."

"She worked my a.s.s off. Thank G.o.d she dumped me."

"That'll teach you to hook up with a personal trainer. Next time, go for a ma.s.sage therapist or a gourmet chef."

Carmen didn't want to think about next time. What she was feeling right now was worse than getting dumped, because this was all her fault for being an idiot. "I'm such an a.s.shole."

"Why? You didn't try to pretend Judith was Brooke, did you?"

"Of course not."

"Then what was it you did that was so wrong?"

"I embarra.s.sed her and I hurt her feelings."

"So what bothers you more, the fact that you're an a.s.shole or that Judith had her feelings hurt?"

"She didn't deserve it." She leaned forward and clutched her temples again as the blood pounded in her head.

"I'll be right back."

87.

Alone for what seemed like the first time all day, Carmen sat and stared out the window across the city. Work was her solace, the one place she always reaped rewards for her efforts. But this time, TDG gave her no refuge from her sense of shame, or the compulsion she felt to talk to Judith again and try to make things right.

"Here you go." Cathy returned with two aspirin and a small gla.s.s of water. "Do you want me to shoot off an e-mail to Judith?

I could just say it was nice to meet her and that I hope we'll run into her again. Maybe that would-"

"She'd see right through it."

Cathy sighed. "Too bad, because it really is true. I thought she was nice." She handed Carmen a pink note. "I suppose this would be a bad time to tell you Brooke called. She wants you to meet her for dinner tonight."

"I can't very well do that if I'm in bed with the covers over my head."

"There's an interesting idea-telling Brooke Healey no."

"Don't start, Cathy." The last time they had a discussion like this it ended with Cathy telling her she always listened least when she needed advice most. Not that she ever took anyone's advice when it came to Brooke. No one else knew Brooke or cared for her the way she did.

"Then how about this one?" She handed Carmen a second message. "Sofia wants you back in New York next Friday to sit in on a planning meeting at Zeigler-Marsh."

Judith squeezed aboard the F-Train for the short trip to Brooklyn and staked out her square foot of s.p.a.ce in the aisle.

Transfer pa.s.sengers were already jockeying for position for the next stop at Broadway and Lafayette. Many of those now standing would find a place to sit, but Judith always stood when she made this trip during the week, yielding the few seats to com-88 muters who worked on their feet all day.