Oh! Susannah! Part 15

Doctor. A lady in whose case I take the deepest interest. Can't tell you--it would be a breach of professional etiquette.

Plant. _(goes to Doctor over R., throws his hat and stick on sofa)_ Ah, now you're talking business. The legal and medical professions are sisters, and should have no secrets.

Doctor. _(shakes his head)_ No, no, it's a delicate case.

_(Bus.)_

Plant. Delicate cases are my speciality, and if I can be of any a.s.sistance to you--_(aside)_--or you to me--. _(aloud)_ I'm at your service. Proceed.

Doctor. _(aside)_ I'll break it to him gently why I can't marry his daughters, _(to Plant)_ Well, to begin with, she's a married woman----

Plant. Is she? She'll cost her husband a pretty penny in hats.

Doctor. _(airily)_ Oh, he can afford it. _(speaks low so that Flo can't hear)_ He's a great friend of mine--in fact, the greatest friend I have in all the world.

Plant. _(loudly)_ Then what's his wife's hat doing here?

Doctor. _(aside)_ That's just like a d------d lawyer!

_(softly)_ Don't you see, they married secretly, without her parents' consent, and she went back to her people, and--and time went on--and at last she could bear it no longer, so this afternoon she came up to town to find her husband----

Plant. Your greatest friend?

Doctor. Er--precisely!

Plant. _(aside)_ It's that lieutenant in the navy. I must remember that.

Doctor. And she came straight to me, and she had a fit of hysteria and she fell----

Plant. Fell?

Doctor. Yes--in my arms.

Plant. Sir!

Doctor. Fainted--fainted! And now she's lying down, and the question is, when she recovers, where is she to go?

Plant. Go? To her husband, of course! Where is he?

Doctor. Ah, that's the question!

Flora. _(aside, popping her head out)_ I've got the cramp! I shall shriek in a minute.

Plant. _(aside)_ I'll put him under an obligation, _(to Doctor--effusively, loudly)_ My dear cousin, my door is ever open to the weary wanderer, and if the fair owner of that hat----

Doctor. No, no! It's very kind of you, but I won't hear of it.

The fair owner of that hat is perfectly comfortable where she is.

_(Doctor and Plant up.)_

Flora. Ooh! _(sits up)_

TABLEAU.

She's not a bit comfortable where she is, Doctor Sheppard!

Plant. _(aside)_ Ah, the old story! _(crosses R. of table)_

Flora. I've got pins and needles.

Doctor. My poor child, let me----_(goes to her O. P. side of table)_

Flora. Go away--don't touch me. _(lies on couch, rubbing her leg, aside to Doctor)_ I'm not your poor child any longer. I shall get the registrar to cancel our certificate.

Plant. _(to Doctor. who comes down C., looking miserable)_ So that's your anatomical model, eh? Your friend's wife? You Don Juan! _(digs him in ribs. In his ear)_ "These things cost money, you know." _(laughs--to Doctor)_ If it comes to a divorce, look me up. I'll pull you through on reduced terms.

Doctor. No, no, you don't understand.

_(To Flo, who comes down between them)_

Are you all right now?

Flora. _(coldly, crossing from him to Plant)_ Yes, thank you, Doctor Sheppard. _(aside)_ Now I'll find out all about Jack and these precious jewels! _(crosses r. to Plant)_ I accept your kind offer of hospitality, sir.

_(Doctor pulls Flo to him, she gets away, and sits down r.)_

Plant. _(aside)_ He'll have to marry my daughter after this, _(goes to Flo)_

Doctor. _(aside)_ I hate letting her go with Plant. but P'raps it's the best way out. Anyway she'll not see auntie, I must get 'em oft before she comes, _(to Plant)_ My fairy prince, how can I thank you for this double act of kindness?

_(Slaps him hard on the back--Plant doubles up with lumbago.)_

Don't double up like that--you might be struck so. I'm more grateful to you _(same Bus.)_ than I can express. _(same Bus again)_ I've moved him at last! Good!

_(Doctor goes to Flo, who crosses L. to sofa at once.)_

Plant. I must get out of this. Ah, my dear young lady, allow me. Your hat. _(hands Flo hat from off sofa, watching Doctor--to Flo)_ Ah, he's a sad dog, always full of fun! That's why all the girls are so madly in love with him.

Flora. _(severely)_ They must be mad to be in love with him! _(at sofa back, putting her hat on, looking in mirror)_

Plant. _(aside)_ Tired of him already. She'll be wanting to go back to her husband--good business for the lawyer--_(rubs his hands)_--and especially for yours truly, _(goes up in front of mirror--crosses round sofa)_ I must find out what her husband's name is. I'm quite ready when you are, my dear Mrs.--er--Mrs.----

Doctor. _(crosses C. quickly, aside to Plant)_ Garden--. better call her Miss Garden for the present.

Plant. _(aside to Doctor)_ I say, this mustn't be used against me in evidence. It's only for your sake, you gay dog! _(offers his arm to Flo)_ Come, my dear Miss Garden--you must confide in me as in a second father.

_(She takes his arm.)_

Doctor. _(aside)_ I hope she won't!