Oh! Susannah! Part 14

_(Runs down O. P.., crosses R. corner and then round table C., followed by Doctor.)_

Doctor. It's all right! It won't bite you! _(takes up rug)_ I'll chuck this rug over you. She'll think it's something anatomical.

She'll never suspect it's my blushing bride.

Flora. Oh, Jack, why should you hide your blushing bride? She's sure to find me _here_.

Doctor. No, no, she won't!

Flora. She _will! I'm so conspicuous!_ _(sits on sofa)_

Doctor. The _more_ conspicuous the better, when you want to hide anything. It disarms suspicion, _(down stage)_

Flora. _(jumps off couch, and stalks down to him in a towering rage)_ Jack! You've done this _before!!_

Doctor. Never! I swear! Do help me now, and all will come right, _(drags her back and covers her up)_

Flora. _(popping her head out)_ Oh, hubby, are you _sure_ we're _properly_ married?

Doctor. Quite. Lie still, _(same Bus.)_

Flora. _(same Bus.)_ It doesn't feel like it a bit. Oh, it's a horrid, horrid wedding day! _(kicks and disarranges rug)_

Doctor. _(putting it back)_ She's coming! Lie still, do lie still! Flo, please--for my sake! Do lie _quite_ still--

_(Flo kicks.)_

and don't kick.

_(Enter Plant.)_

Plant. My dear cousin Jack! _(putting out his hand)_ I'm so glad to find you alone. My mission is of rather a delicate nature.

Doctor. _(aside)_ Oh, Lord! _(looks at couch nervously to Plant)_ I'm rather busy to-day. You couldn't call some other time, could you? _(feels his pulse)_

Plant. My dear Jack, you misunderstand me--it's not me--it's my precious jewels. I've left them lying in their room, their sobs were distressing to hear, they are suffering terribly.

Doctor. _(aside)_ Another case! Quayle's right again! They're flowing in.

Plant. _(aside)_ Locked up, and serve 'em right. I'll get on better without 'em. _(aloud)_ They are both--_( sobs )_ --both----

Doctor. Two of 'em! The more the merrier! I'll come at once, _(putting on his hat)_

Plant. No, you misunderstand me--they are simply overcome with the way--to use their own phrase--the "affectionate" way in which you received them this afternoon.

Doctor. _(aside)_ And Flo can hear every word. It's all up!

Plant. They can talk of nothing else.

_(Doctor pulls Plant's coat.)_

It's Jack, dear Jack, darling Jack, _(same Bus.)_ Ah, you have robbed me of my precious jewels.

Doctor. _(glancing nervously at couch, with a.s.sumed levity)_ Nonsense!

Plant. _(indignant)_ It's not nonsense at all, it's very _serious._ Heaven forbid that I should speak, harshly to a young man with a rich--ahem!--future--but as their father--from whom they have never had a secret all their blameless lives----_(crosses R.)_ I tell you, sir, you have broken _two_ hearts in one afternoon.

Doctor. _(gloomily)_ Oh, good afternoon! _(sits at table)_

Flora. _(aside)_ I shall go home by the next train.

Plant. They're wasting the best years of their lives, and all for you, sir--all for you! _(cross L., waves his stick excitedly)_

Doctor. _(half to himself)_ I can't commit bigamy.

Plant. I don't ask you to marry both--_(whacks)_--of them, but one or the other you must--_(whacks)_--and _shall_--_(whacks on table)_--after all you have said and done, _(up)_ Now, my dear sir, _(walking about waving his stick C.)_ I speak to you as a bachelor--_(whacks rug with walking stick)_--without enc.u.mbrances, _(whacks)_ What have you got there? _(whacks)_

Doctor. _(gets up)_ My enc.u.mbr------er--my model! _(R. of chair)_

Plant. Your model?

Doctor. _(intercepting him)_ Yes, my ana----

Plant. Anna?

Doctor. Anatomical model. Look out, you'll break it--and these things cost money, you know.

Plant. I accept your explanation--without prejudice, Well, to return to our muttons--I mean my poor lambs--

Doctor. _(aside)_ Oh. d.a.m.n your lambs! _(crosses L.)_

Plant. I ask you, as a father, what are your intentions?

Doctor. _(aside)_ Can't tell him I'm married--he'd tell auntie.

Plant. _(severely)_ Answer me, sir--what are your intentions with regard to my two daughters? _(Bus. Flo.)_

Doctor. _(sofa, aside)_ If he wasn't my fairy prince, I'd brain him! _(spots Flo's hat and collars it, confused)_ Flo's hat! Oh --er--honourable, you know--strictly honourable, _(tries to hide Flo's hat)_

Plant. _(pointing to Flo's hat)_ What is _that_, sir? _(works right round sofa)_

Doctor. _(following)_ A lady's _hat_, sir.

Plant. Don't be flippant, sir. _(seizes hat and waves it)_ You're deceiving my girls, two girls with but one Single thought, two hats--hearts that beat for Jack.

Doctor. _(to Plant)_ I'm deceiving no one--that hat belongs to one of my patients.

Plant. _(aside)_ A patient, indeed! He's got none. _(goes for hat)_