Not Just Friends Part 14

Antisocial Behavior Infidelity may just be one more manifestation of the deceit and manipulation for profit or pleasure that is characteristic of individuals with antisocial personality disorder. Antisocial personalities may have difficulty sustaining monogamy and may be exploitative in s.e.xual relationships. They appear to have a faulty conscience and frequently deflect blame onto their spouses if their infidelity is disclosed.

Their disregard for others and failure to accept social standards and legal restrictions probably began before adulthood. They are frequently impulsive and irresponsible, but their superficial charm and winning ways with words can endear them to others. Their lack of empathy can be perceived in their cynicism and contempt over the suffering of others. They often have problems with authority that cause them to lose their jobs or fail to pay their taxes. Unscrupulous business deals, reckless driving, aggressiveness, or substance abuse may lead to getting in trouble with the law.

Chronic Lying Lying can either represent a stable personality trait or be a situational artifact of the infidelity. Liars cheat on their taxes, make promises they don't keep, and blame other people for their mistakes. Pathological liars can tell such exaggerated versions of their exploits and accomplishments that they begin to believe their own stories. The chronic liar who cheats on a loving partner has no difficulty inventing ploys to escape detection and has no guilt about the betrayal.

Hope for Change You can change att.i.tudes, you can change behaviors, but you can't change character. The betrayed partner can determine whether the infidelity is a magnification of lying and cheating that is widespread. Exposing infidelity can put other disturbing patterns into clearer focus.

To heal a marriage disrupted by infidelity, unfaithful partners have to empathize with the pain they've caused and take responsibility for their actions. If they have characterological flaws, such as the ones I've just mentioned, taking these two steps may seem beyond their capacity. Lack of empathy for others and unscrupulous behaviors are consistent traits in character disorders. Infidelity may reflect a pattern of deceit and selfishness that is persistent throughout their lives and is unlikely to change.

Individual values and att.i.tudes are influenced by our friends and colleagues, work environment, and ethnic background. In the next chapter we will explore how these outside influences create additional vulnerabilities for infidelity.

11.

THE STORY OF OUTSIDE INFLUENCES.

Practically everyone I know has cheated at least once. I think that proves my point: Monogamy is unnatural.

MARRIAGES DON'T exist in isolation, and neither do affairs. The way we fall in love, commit our allegiance to another person, and break our commitments all happen within a larger social context. We are born male or female, thus automatically falling under certain expectations for our roles in life. Even when differences in s.e.x are accounted for, personal and social filters still lead people to see the world in different ways. Our moral and religious values are derived from the neighborhood and family we grew up in. We are influenced by what we learned in school. We formed expectations based on the cultural messages we received as children and now receive as adults. exist in isolation, and neither do affairs. The way we fall in love, commit our allegiance to another person, and break our commitments all happen within a larger social context. We are born male or female, thus automatically falling under certain expectations for our roles in life. Even when differences in s.e.x are accounted for, personal and social filters still lead people to see the world in different ways. Our moral and religious values are derived from the neighborhood and family we grew up in. We are influenced by what we learned in school. We formed expectations based on the cultural messages we received as children and now receive as adults.1 And, most important, we watch very closely what our friends and colleagues say and do. And, most important, we watch very closely what our friends and colleagues say and do.

These important but often overlooked outside influences can help explain why some spouses cross the line into infidelity and others do not. Along with individual and relationship vulnerabilities, social and cultural factors are the missing links. These factors account for why some people stay monogamous while others either seek opportunity or offer no resistance when opportunity knocks. Here is the irony: we live in a culture that professes to value monogamy but at the same time undercuts monogamy significantly by glamorizing illicit love affairs and commercializing s.e.xual t.i.tillation. This is a.n.a.logous to the way our society prizes thinness while it pushes junk food.

If you want to choose a mate who is likely to stay loyal, what would you look for? According to statistics, you should choose someone who devotedly attends religious services, has friends who support a monogamous lifestyle, lives in a small community, and has parents and grandparents who are straight arrows. Your potentially faithful partner would work alone, close to home, and wouldn't travel for business purposes.

If, on the other hand, you want to know whom to be wary of, statistics would steer you clear of someone who works in a condoning or encouraging occupational environment with attractive coworkers, travels with them to conferences, does not an end worship services or have strong religious beliefs, comes from a s.e.xually liberal background, lives in a large metropolitan area, and has a history of parental infidelity.

None of these factors is a predictor of marital infidelity in any particular individual. But they do point to who is more likely to be unfaithful and who is more likely to be monogamous.

Many people who violate their vows begin marriage expecting to be faithful. It's just that over the years, inner convictions begin to erode. Acceptance of infidelity increases in response to personal problems, relationship disillusionment, and a tolerant social environment.

Quiz: Social Vulnerability Map There's no way to predict with certainty whether a specific individual is going to be unfaithful. Responding to the statements below will help identify the influence of your social environment. Rate these social-cultural influences that increase individual vulnerability to extramarital involvement.

Directions: Circle the appropriate letter to the left of each statement: A = Yes Yes, I agree. D = No No, I disagree. NA = Not applicable.

Scoring Key: Add up your points to calculate your social vulnerability score social vulnerability score.

Each Agree = 1, Disagree = 0, NA = 0.

Your score shows the influence of your social-cultural environment:0-2 = Clean air zone3-5 = Smog warning6-9 = Pollution alert10-12 = Toxic air zone Birds of a Feather Frolic Together One of our most important filters is the social screen. Our vision is sharpened or blurred by what we see and hear from the people around us. You are more likely to be unfaithful if you are surrounded by friends and professional colleagues who are also unfaithful. Friends and acquaintances serve as socialization agents who may make cheating seem alluring or, at the very least, normal.

When you hear exciting confessions and philosophical rationalizations often enough, you can justify almost anything. Your best friend is glowing as she tells you how her lover fulfills her in ways her husband never would or could. When your friends glorify their affairs, you might start to think that marriage is not only dull but a serious impediment to personal growth.

Opportunity and support of a male peer group were deciding factors in the extramarital s.e.x of 41 percent of the prominent men studied by sociologist Robert White hurst.2

Occupational Vulnerability Work settings and occupations can either foster opportunity for extramarital s.e.x or place strict prohibitions against it. For people working in the entertainment industry or in professional sports, infidelity is a common practice. For people working in religious or conservative educational inst.i.tutions, infidelity is an infraction of behavioral codes. Although workplace environments have become more sensitized to s.e.xual hara.s.sment issues, a number of them still overlook or accept flirting and romantic involvements between coworkers. U.S. military policies have been a prime example of mixed messages. Although adultery has been severely punished by demotion or expulsion, male service personnel on foreign a.s.signments have been supplied with prophylactics whether or not they were married.

Laurel Richardson found that married men who were involved with single women at work were not afraid that their affairs could become public knowledge. Their lack of concern was because of two factors: others seldom condemned them, and they were able to keep their wives away from their work setting.3 What we see depends on two things: what we are looking at, and who is doing the looking. This also holds true for how we view our opportunities for extramarital relationships. It depends partly on the setting and partly on how we a.s.sess the scene.

The story of the attorney, Karl, ill.u.s.trates how widespread infidelity can be in some work settings. His wife, Karen, became suspicious when she went to Karl's office one day to take him out to lunch. While she was waiting for him, his paralegal, Britney, said to her, "You shouldn't have come here. Don't you know he's too busy to go out for lunch?" The inappropriateness of this remark led to Karen's uncovering of Karl's affair with Britney.

When Karen and Karl entered therapy to repair their marriage, it became clear that recovery could not occur as long as Britney continued to work closely with Karl. He told Karen that he could not fire her because of the risk of a s.e.xual hara.s.sment suit. Karen suggested that he exchange paralegals with one of the other attorneys in his practice. Karl told her that was impossible because all the other attorneys in his office were having affairs with their paralegals and they would be opposed to making any changes in staffing.

Bram Buunk and Arnold Bakker found that people are more influenced by their perception that persons of equal status are willing to engage in infidelity than by the perception that others will disapprove.4

Sometimes it's hard to tell which comes first, the act of betrayal or the rationale that justifies it. If your social setting isn't filled with people committing adultery, then you might fill in the gap with your own projections, ascribing to others the same motives and desires that are attracting you. Conscious or not, the projection of your desires onto other people serves to support your own course of action.

You may remember Luther, a popular physician in a prestigious hospital whose wife, Lois, did everything for him. He had many one-nighters with nurses in the on-call room, which were never detected by Lois. However, one of his flings turned into an intense affair that he had difficulty ending, even after Lois discovered it. During marital therapy, he was clear that his wife had nothing at all to do with his long-term promiscuity or his recent love affair. He loved and admired Lois. He was explicit about their great companionship and satisfying s.e.x.

By way of explaining the apparent contradiction between his promiscuous behavior and his love for his wife, he talked about his early years as a resident. He explained how impressed he had been by the s.e.xual exploits of his medical mentors. He thought it was "cool" to have all these different women at work and a wonderful wife at home.

After the pain and suffering he saw Lois endure, and after experiencing the tumultuous ending to his love affair, Luther had a major shift in att.i.tude and perception. The physicians he came to respect were those with conservative ideals who valued monogamy and were unflinchingly devoted to their wives. Luther now saw the philanderers as immature and "uncool." He used to believe that practically everyone in his department "fooled around," but once he committed himself to fidelity, he noticed how many actually frowned on such antics.

Anthony Thompson reported that people who are unfaithful may justify their behavior by overestimating how prevalent infidelity is.5

Faithless Friends Lynne At.w.a.ter found that a woman's progression toward first extramarital s.e.x is greatly influenced by the faithlessness of other women. The steps are knowing someone who has engaged in extramarital s.e.x, talking to that person about it, and then thinking about it for an extended period of time after becoming aware of an opportunity. Nearly all of the women she interviewed said that they never intended to be unfaithful when they first got married.6 Before Cheryl betrayed her husband by having a two-year affair, her friend Sandy had started confiding in Cheryl that she was having an affair. Sandy went on and on about the special treatment she was enjoying. She told Cheryl that her lover bought her beautiful presents and treated her like a queen. Sensing that Sandy would be supportive about hearing a similar story from her, Cheryl told her about the exciting new man she was attracted to. The object of Cheryl's affection was the opposite of her husband; he reminded her of an old boyfriend who was quiet and outdoorsy. She told Sandy about her fantasies but also said she didn't want to do anything that would hurt her husband, Cliff.

Every time the two friends talked, Cheryl found herself thinking that a little romance on the side wouldn't be such a bad thing. It didn't have to mean anything. When Cheryl and her fantasy man finally got together, Sandy let them use her house as their private hideaway. When Cliff found out, his rage at Sandy was easy to understand. And he knew only the half of it. He knew that Sandy had loaned her house; he never realized what role Sandy's encouragement had played in his wife's predisposition for getting involved in the first place.

It is not unreasonable for worried partners to insist that their spouses terminate or limit friendships that encourage infidelity. To make the marriage safe, it may be necessary to sacrifice friends of the same s.e.x who are not friends of the marriage.

When Vince was first married, he never looked at other women. He only had eyes for his wife, Viola. Every day he went to his desk job in a large utility, processed his paperwork, and was eager to come home to his beautiful wife. Five years down the road, he was tired of sitting around all day indoors and going home to sit some more, so he signed up to play in his company's softball league. He enjoyed the outdoor exercise and had fun with the guys (and the occasional athletic woman).

After a game Vince and his teammates would go to a favorite hangout, have a couple of beers, and shoot some pool. Over the course of several months, he got to know these guys well. The three who were still married were openly contemptuous of men who buckled under to their wives; the five others were either single or divorced. Vince's buddies began to tease him for being "p.u.s.s.y whipped" and having to go home after the second beer. They pointed out to him a couple of attractive young women who seemed interested in him.

Soon Vince started to wonder whether s.e.xual freedom was the norm and monogamy the exception. He started to think that his marriage could be in jeopardy because his commitment to being faithful was starting to waver. Viola was angry and anxious about his nights out, and they started to fight. After months of dissension at home, Vince began to realize that his "friends" were egging him on to destroy his marriage. He decided that he would continue to play softball but go home immediately after the games, without stopping for a beer with his buddies.

The Family Tree "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Like most popular sayings, this one has a large measure of truth in it. In the context of our discussion, it predicts a link between the characteristics of parents and their offspring. In fact, that is what therapists and researchers have observed as they've studied patterns of infidelity across generations within the same family.7 Nonmonogamous families seem to produce sons who betray their wives, as well as daughters who either accept their husbands' betrayals as normal or are unfaithful themselves. Nonmonogamous families seem to produce sons who betray their wives, as well as daughters who either accept their husbands' betrayals as normal or are unfaithful themselves.

Carol Ellison's research with over 2,000 women found a definite link between parental affairs and extramarital s.e.xual permissiveness. Of the affair-p.r.o.ne women she studied, 13 percent had five or more affairs. Many of them had grown up in a childhood environment where a parent or a parental figure had engaged in affairs.8 Multigenerational family trees often show consistent patterns of infidelity or monogamy. One study based on an a.n.a.lysis of twelve couples found that each family had a unique pattern, ranging from virtually no affairs in the entire family to multiple affairs in all three generations.9 In the nonmonogamous families, the affair partners were remarkably similar. For example, in the case of one couple, two generations of men had affairs with baby sitters; in that of another couple, a number of affairs in the family had involved coworkers. In the nonmonogamous families, the affair partners were remarkably similar. For example, in the case of one couple, two generations of men had affairs with baby sitters; in that of another couple, a number of affairs in the family had involved coworkers.

The Kennedy family presents us with a well-known example of multigenerational infidelity. The patriarch, Joseph Kennedy, provided the model for his sons, who followed in his footsteps, not only by getting involved in politics but by having affairs with many women, including famous actresses. President Bill Clinton's grandfather was a very well-liked, friendly man; however, his grandmother was frequently angry at his grandfather because he was "too friendly" with other women.10 In trying to explain Clinton's philandering, the model of his beloved grandfather could be more significant than all of the public speculation about possible problems in his marriage. In trying to explain Clinton's philandering, the model of his beloved grandfather could be more significant than all of the public speculation about possible problems in his marriage.

Some people are able to make the "family connection" as a result of bitter personal experience. Hannah was engaged to a man she felt she could trust: "I feel safe with Herman. I really do believe he'll be totally faithful to me because his family's like that. They believe in monogamy, just like my family." Hannah had divorced her first husband because he showed no inclination to be faithful, even after she caught him many times with different women. She described him as someone who "has an amazing ability to lead a double life." He came from a family where his mother and father both cheated on each other. She said, "To them, fidelity meant nothing."

Unfortunately, it's hard to make predictions about how parental infidelity will play out in a child's adulthood. A parent's infidelity creates vivid impressions that usually lead to one extreme reaction or the other. Eric's father took him along to Gentlemen's Clubs when Eric reached adolescence. He admired his father and was easily indoctrinated into a world of macho men and easy women. Although he married "the girl of his dreams," he did not expect to be s.e.xually faithful.

In a contrasting example of the effect of paternal behavior, Patrick was disgusted when his father started taking him along to meet his "mistresses." He was appalled by the disregard for his mother's feelings. He vowed then and there that he would never do that to his wife. Although Patrick's marriage was conflicted, he remained faithful and was never tempted by another woman.

The World We Live In The family patterns described above are often part of a larger cultural context that accepts infidelity by men and abhors infidelity by women. Society plays a large role in setting the standard for what is acceptable and what is not. The fact that there is a standard at all is evidence of how powerful social norms and expectations can be in regulating private behavior. You may think you are making completely independent decisions about your romantic life, but all of us are influenced by our culture's ideas about what is appropriate, what is desirable, and especially what is unacceptable.

The Double Standard Is Alive and Well The double standard-one standard for women and another, less strict standard for men-is the primary example of a social norm that influences s.e.xual behavior. In fact, a double standard of infidelity is more prevalent among those from cultures with traditional gender roles.11 As a general rule, societies that give higher status to men promote a double standard. As a general rule, societies that give higher status to men promote a double standard.

Despite the many ways we are moving toward an egalitarian society, the double standard still exist. Society easily accepts and excuses men who engage in premarital and extramarital s.e.x. Women who engage in similar behaviors are condemned and suffer severe consequences. The double standard has never been applied in a reverse pattern; men have never been subjected to a double standard in the past or the present, according to a study of sixty-two cultures by anthropologist Suzanne Frayser.

Husbands, but not wives, were allowed to have extramarital s.e.x in 26 percent of the societies studied by Frayser.12

A single standard of s.e.xual behavior for both men and women is most likely when a society is either extremely permissive or extremely conservative, according to sociologist Harold Christensen.13 His study showed that in the extremely permissive Danish culture, women were as s.e.xually liberated as men; in the extremely restrictive American intermountain society, men were as constrained as women. His study showed that in the extremely permissive Danish culture, women were as s.e.xually liberated as men; in the extremely restrictive American intermountain society, men were as constrained as women.

Condoning Men In some quarters, a man gains prestige and respect from other men as a result of his s.e.xual conquests. Boasting about extramarital adventures can be almost as important as, if not more important than, the experience itself.14 Peggy Vaughan spoke to men who missed the camaraderie of talking with other men about their exploits after they had stopped having affairs. Peggy Vaughan spoke to men who missed the camaraderie of talking with other men about their exploits after they had stopped having affairs.15 These men impressed their friends with their "successful" affairs but were seen as failures if they got caught and brought pain to their wives. These men impressed their friends with their "successful" affairs but were seen as failures if they got caught and brought pain to their wives.

Surprisingly, some wives tolerate the double standard. There are wives who put up with their husband's philandering as part of the spoken or unspoken "deal" they've made in their marriage. These are often the wives of high-status men who provide substantial material and social benefits. These eminent corporate and political figures are enculturated to have affairs with women who are mostly their subordinates. Jan Halper studied 4,126 male business leaders, executives, and professionals and found that the more successful a man was and the greater his income, the more likely he was to have an affair.16

The proportion of British men who began marriage a.s.suming that they need not be faithful was almost three times higher than the rate for women.17

Alice and Arnold initiated couple therapy to deal with her distress about his philandering. You may recall that he was the CEO of a highly successful computer company; she was a devoted mother, active on behalf of the homeless, and a dedicated volunteer at the art museum. I soon realized that they had come into therapy with separate agendas. Alice was hoping that I would persuade Arnold to stop having affairs; Arnold hoped I would persuade his wife to accept his s.e.xual flings as harmless diversions.

When it became apparent that Arnold had no intention of stopping, Alice seemed to accept his behavior as part of their evolving marital contract. She took stock of the pluses and minuses and figured she was better off staying married and enjoying the privileges of being his wife than filing for divorce. It is not unusual in this situation for the wives of prominent men to accept their husband's philandering and do the best they can to develop separate lives.

Condemning Women Women in nearly all cultures and eras have been punished much more severely than men for extramarital relationships. In 54 percent of the societies for which Suzanne Frayser had data, husbands had the option to kill unfaithful wives. There was no culture that was less punitive toward women than toward men.18 Fear of public exposure is a real deterrent, especially for women. Public opinion is not so kind toward a woman who admits enjoying the physical fulfillment of illicit affairs. If you listen carefully when people talk about the affairs of others, you will notice a bias that runs in favor of men and against women. What you will hear most often is that the affair is the woman's fault. A woman who is caught in an affair is blamed for having loose morals. A woman whose husband is caught in an affair is blamed for not meeting his needs.19 In reality, this is the opposite of the truth: men tend to have extramarital s.e.x regardless of their satisfaction with the marriage, but women are unlikely to engage in extramarital s.e.x unless they are unhappy. In reality, this is the opposite of the truth: men tend to have extramarital s.e.x regardless of their satisfaction with the marriage, but women are unlikely to engage in extramarital s.e.x unless they are unhappy.

Matthew was beside himself with rage when he discovered that his wife had been having an affair for four months. In fact, he was ready to end the marriage on the spot. In therapy he was able to gain a more balanced perspective. He finally admitted that he himself had had several "mini-affairs" that he didn't think amounted to much. Like many men, Matthew didn't hold himself to the same standard of monogamy as he held his wife. In the ethnic neighborhood he had grown up in, men bragged about their s.e.xual mastery and their ability to keep their wives in line. The women knew what was going on but looked the other way. The entire community ostracized an unfaithful married woman, but an involved man was accepted without any moral outrage.

Trends In general, the more premarital s.e.xual activity you engage in, the more likely it is that you will be involved in an extramarital affair. Because girls are more s.e.xually active at younger ages than they used to be, married women are not nearly as inhibited about crossing the line as earlier generations of women were. s.e.xually active girls frequently have mothers and grandmothers who had limited experience with men other than their husbands.

Let's compare Virginia with her old college roommate, Thelma. They both dated men in the same fraternity, and they both got married one year apart after graduation. But after that the similarity ended. When Thelma had her first affair during the second year of marriage, Virginia was shocked. She continued to be dismayed as Thelma had one affair after another.

What accounts for the contrast between them? The answer lies in the difference between the communities they grew up in. The two women were shaped by environments with different standards and expectations. Thelma lost her virginity at fifteen, her soph.o.m.ore year in high school, as did most of her girlfriends. Virginia and her friends signed abstinence oaths in high school, so it was a momentous event when she had intercourse with her steady boyfriend in her junior year of college. By the time Virginia had her first s.e.xual experience with the man she later married, her precocious roommate had already had multiple partners. We could have predicted from this small bit of information alone that these two women would have different odds of remaining monogamous after marriage.

It is still true that many more women than men disapprove of and reject casual s.e.x, and it is still true that men tend to hold more permissive s.e.xual att.i.tudes about their own involvement than women do. But women are beginning to catch up. Using premarital s.e.xual data alone, we could guess that more women are betraying their husbands than ever before. And that is, in fact, the case.

a.n.a.lysis of a national survey concluded that the incidence of extramarital s.e.x did not differ for men and women under forty.20

Modern husbands are aware that their wives were not virgins when they first met. A man who knows about his wife's s.e.xual experiences before marriage may be more able to work through disclosure of infidelity than men who perceive their wives as pure and chaste. The influx of s.e.xually experienced women into the workplace is undoubtedly a factor in the prevalence of affairs with professional colleagues.

Sin Cities The community where people live or travel to can affect the likelihood that they will be unfaithful. Male extramarital s.e.xual opportunities are often promoted and solicited in cities such as Las Vegas and New York, where it is easy to find places to obtain willing partners.21

According to several studies, husbands and wives who lived in or near large metropolitan centers were more approving of premarital and extramarital s.e.x than those in small communities or rural areas.22

We have seen that every person has a story, or more accurately, several stories. Infidelity is a complex phenomenon involving multiple factors: family traditions and the social-cultural setting influence individual att.i.tudes and values and therefore have an effect on behavior, and individual and relationship vulnerabilities also play a major role.

Before completing the picture, we need to understand more fully the third person in the drama: the lover. Affair partners provide the context for attraction and opportunity, but they come with their own set of vulnerabilities and personal histories. The next chapter discusses the stories of unmarried affair partners with their unique issues.

12.

THE STORY OF THE AFFAIR PARTNER.

I knew we were meant for each other. I was waiting for him to leave his wife ... and then he ended it. My pain is so unbearable, but all I hear from my friends and family is, "What did you expect?"

IN D DECEMBER 2001, a man wrote a letter to a popular newspaper advice columnist confessing that after twenty-five years of happy, faithful marriage, he found himself s.e.xually attracted to an unmarried younger woman who worked in his office. In her reply, the columnist referred to the young woman as a "home-wrecking wench." 2001, a man wrote a letter to a popular newspaper advice columnist confessing that after twenty-five years of happy, faithful marriage, he found himself s.e.xually attracted to an unmarried younger woman who worked in his office. In her reply, the columnist referred to the young woman as a "home-wrecking wench."1 This is without knowing any more about her than that she was young, attractive, and, according to the letter writer, showing some interest in him. This is without knowing any more about her than that she was young, attractive, and, according to the letter writer, showing some interest in him.

Such epithets are dehumanizing. Once we label and vilify the affair partner, we don't have to understand or empathize with him or her.

Because the unmarried female is the most common affair partner, this chapter focuses on understanding her story. I am aware, however, that the single affair partner may be a man, for whom many of the characterizations in this chapter may be helpful. Understanding the reasons that single people get involved in illicit relationships with other people's spouses will enlighten both the affair partners and the recovering couples.

Quiz: Single Woman's Vulnerability Map There's no way to predict with certainty whether a specific unmarried woman is going to get involved with a married man. Responding to the statements below will help you identify your vulnerability to being the "other woman" in an extramarital triangle.

Directions: Circle the appropriate letter to the left of each statement:A = Yes Yes, I agree. D = No No, I disagree. NA = Not applicable.

Scoring Key: Add up your points to calculate your single lover vulnerability score. single lover vulnerability score. Each Agree = 1, Disagree = 0, NA = 0. Each Agree = 1, Disagree = 0, NA = 0.

Your score indicates how likely you are to be the other woman in an extramarital triangle: 0-2 = Not the type3-5 = Slippery slope6-9 = Danger zone10-12 = Fatal attraction The majority of single women hope and believe that their married lovers will leave their wives. In contrast, the majority of single men involved with other men's wives tend to be commitment-phobic; they may be especially attracted to married women who have no intention of leaving their husbands. Single men having affairs with married women have a perspective similar to that of unfaithful husbands and wives for whom the affair is a sideshow, whereas for single women it is often the main event. The married affair partner is best understood in the role of the unfaithful spouse.

Married women who have s.e.xual affairs look for different traits in lovers than in husbands, according to Dalma Heyn's findings.2 They often choose younger men because of their endearing personal traits and disregard their inadequate financial, social, or professional status. This is a.n.a.logous to married men who have affairs with women they do not consider to be "wife material." They often choose younger men because of their endearing personal traits and disregard their inadequate financial, social, or professional status. This is a.n.a.logous to married men who have affairs with women they do not consider to be "wife material."

Experts on infidelity agree that affair partners are not superior or inferior to the spouses they compete with. They are just different (except when they are a younger version of an aging partner). Betrayed spouses generally believe otherwise and often have a distorted view that either they or their rival must be inadequate and out-cla.s.sed.

If you believe your partner was hypnotized by the depraved magic of a sorcerer or a s.e.x G.o.ddess, then you may also believe there's not much to say except "Bad luck!" Stereotyping may be easier for you than the hard work of internal examination. When you see your unfaithful husband as the innocent target of an evil seducer, you'll need to maintain vigilance to keep him from falling prey to the next siren singing on the rocks as his ship sails by.

The wronged wife isn't the only one p.r.o.ne to witch hunting. The affair partner may also have typecast the wife as a submissive homebody in the same way that she herself has been labeled a licentious home wrecker. To protect herself from the reality of what she's been doing, the affair partner may also dismiss the wife as demanding, stupid, or "frigid."