Not Just Friends Part 13

Guilt and Shame It's important not to confuse guilt with shame. Guilt is felt even if n.o.body else knows about the transgression. In the movie City Slickers, Billy Crystal's character turned down the idea of a fail-safe s.e.xual affair. "It doesn't matter if n.o.body else would know. I'd know, and I wouldn't like myself." Shame is a reaction to external consequences that occurs when caught doing something "bad." When President Clinton apologized to the American public after many denials of infidelity, he discussed feeling shame but didn't mention feeling guilt. It appears that he regretted his actions after the fact because of their consequences.

Guilt Guilt works as a deterrent for extramarital involvement only when you perceive it before you act. After noticing the first tugs of attraction, antic.i.p.atory guilt helps to frame the consequences of your impulses, pulls you back from the edge, and keeps you from acting on your desires. After a wrongful act, wallowing in self-recrimination can serve as a way to avoid changing your inappropriate behavior. Allow yourself to feel guilty for five minutes only. Then it's time to take responsibility for reparation.

We have learned something interesting about who is likely to feel guilty and who is not. People who purposefully set out to be unfaithful are usually guilt-free beforehand and afterward. Those who fall accidentally or unintentionally are more inclined to feel guilty.3 Because the new crisis of infidelity is about people getting swept away by "friendship affairs," we can expect genuine remorse from these unintentional betrayers. Because the new crisis of infidelity is about people getting swept away by "friendship affairs," we can expect genuine remorse from these unintentional betrayers.

Shame Shame doesn't deter infidelity in the first place, and a shamed response to being caught doesn't guarantee abstinence in the future. In fact, shame can generate a cycle that makes recurrence even more likely. For Donald, this shame cycle was powerful enough to become a compulsive pattern of Internet affairs. After his wife, Daphne, exposed his e-lovers, he felt ashamed. He told her, "I feel terrible. I know I've been bad. I'll try to do better." Although his feelings were genuine, they were all about him and how bad he felt. He wasn't able to empathize with his wife's pain because he was too self-absorbed. To escape from his misery, Donald turned once again to distract himself-in an Internet chatroom.

Donald and Daphne believed that his self-flagellation was a sign of rehabilitation. They didn't realize that shame frequently perpetuates the undesirable behavior. Shame is centered on the self. To heal the wound in his marriage, Donald had to stop the self-pity, take responsibility for what he had done, and enter more into Daphne's world. He showed true compa.s.sion for Daphne when he bolstered her safety by giving her the pa.s.sword for his e-mail. He took action by restricting his on-line activities to necessary business correspondence-and only when Daphne was at his side.

Inhibitors I asked an unfaithful husband what had inhibited him from engaging in extramarital intercourse despite sixteen years of "fooling around" and enjoying oral s.e.x with other women. He said that he restrained himself from going any further with these women because he was devoted to his wife and committed to his marriage. We wrestled with the concepts of commitment and devotion during the ensuing sessions, until he realized how his "inconsequential" behavior const.i.tuted an enormous betrayal. His value system was not unique: 100 percent of the husbands in my clinical practice who were s.e.xually intimate without having intercourse said they were inhibited from further involvement by devotion to spouse and commitment to marriage. My data indicate that women view any type of s.e.xual intimacy (even kissing) as crossing the line, but men are more apt to view s.e.xual intercourse as the place to draw the line.

Relationship considerations and moral values were the strongest deterrents when all of the husbands and wives in my clinical practice were asked what would inhibit their potential involvement in extramarital relationships: 84 percent were inhibited by devotion to spouse and 91 percent by commitment to marriage. Only one-third of them were inhibited by high marital satisfaction because so many of them were unhappy in their marriages. Therefore, their commitment and devotion appear to be based on abstract principles and a sense of responsibility despite low marital satisfaction.

Moral values were a much greater deterrent than religious beliefs.4 Moral values restrain women from having any type of s.e.xual intimacy and restrain men from having s.e.xual intercourse. People who attend religious services frequently were deterred from extramarital involvement by religious beliefs. However, I must note that several of the errant spouses had met their affair partners at weekly services. Their original spiritual connection turned s.e.xual by excluding their less observant spouse from their friendship. Moral values restrain women from having any type of s.e.xual intimacy and restrain men from having s.e.xual intercourse. People who attend religious services frequently were deterred from extramarital involvement by religious beliefs. However, I must note that several of the errant spouses had met their affair partners at weekly services. Their original spiritual connection turned s.e.xual by excluding their less observant spouse from their friendship.

It is no wonder that so many unfaithful spouses have unprotected s.e.x because antic.i.p.ation of negative consequences was not a very powerful inhibitor. Fear of pregnancy was a deterrent for only 12 percent of men and women. Fear of disease was a deterrent for 35 percent of husbands and 44 percent of wives. The pica of betrayed partners-"How could you have risked my health and my life?"-has no easy answers.

Conflict between Values and Behavior As we know, many normally scrupulous people with "good values" are violating their marriage vows. These are people who return a wallet full of money when they find one, volunteer their time to work in soup kitchens, and recycle. Yet they allow themselves to be drawn into illicit relationships, even though they don't think it's right. Their values aren't enough to keep them from lying and cheating, even though they may feel uncomfortable about leading a double life.

It's easy to have values in the abstract. Many people find, though, that being face-to-face with someone who is captivating and available makes fidelity seem less critical (and perhaps less appealing) than it once did. In the absence of clearly stated, consistently reinforced boundaries, they succ.u.mb to their romantic fantasies and the misery that ultimately comes from an affair.

I remember an unfaithful husband telling me with obvious distress about leaving his lover's house and inadvertently pa.s.sing his wife on the street as he drove home. She was parked in front of the grocery store, wrestling their two young children into their car seats, and trying to load packages into the station wagon at the same time. She looked haggard and alone. He felt terrible about what he was doing to her but didn't terminate the affair because he was "hopelessly in love."

Some people resolve the inner conflict between values and behavior by ending the affair. Some eliminate the struggle by finding flaws in the marriage that justify their involvement. Others are driven to disregard their own principles because their psychological needs are too consuming for a single relationship to satisfy.

Running on Empty Partners often turn to affairs to meet needs that are not being satisfied in their marriages. These needs may be reasonable, or they may be so unreasonable that no person or relationship could ever gratify them. Hunger for attention and affection may derive not from a love-starved marriage but from an insatiable appet.i.te. Needs for admiration, romance, or s.e.xual pleasure can be overwhelming in their extreme forms. Some people can't get enough s.e.x, and others can't get enough love. Then there are those ego-starved individuals who can't get enough approval or positive stroking. The drive toward excitement can mask underlying depression, numbness, or emptiness. Multiple affairs can indicate a compulsive need for arousal that takes the form of an addiction to s.e.x, love, or romance.

People who are running on empty may unconsciously seek an adrenaline high as a way to escape from an internal void or external Stressors. An affair can provide an oasis in the midst of an and desert or a refuge in a stormy sea. The quest for extramarital excitement can be an attempt to "fix" an internal problem, such as boredom, low self-esteem, or existential angst. This last is a little hard to define; one unfaithful husband summed it up by saying that his affair sharpened his sense that there was something worth living for.

The Need to Escape Affairs provide an escape from a whole host of upsetting situations or memories. One dedicated husband and father discovered this when he had an affair two months after his son was in a near-fatal skiing accident. When he was home, he had to confront his injured child and deal with the worry and sadness that he and his wife were enduring. When he was with his affair partner, he could enter another world and escape from the concrete reminders of his unbearable emotional pain.

After putting forth incredible effort to end her affair and restore her marriage, Uma examined why she had let herself get involved after years of fending off unwanted male attention. In her therapy, she recalled how depressed she was about everything in her life in the months preceding her affair. She had hit a gla.s.s ceiling at work, and she was heartbroken that she had not been able to get pregnant. She was frustrated and disillusioned about her future. The affair offered intellectual stimulation and fun at a time when she was way down in the dumps. She began to recognize how she had used her lover as an antidepressant instead of getting professional help for her situational depression.

The Starving Ego At least in the beginning, affairs are great ego boosters. Through them you can inhabit an enlarged version of yourself and enjoy the feedback that tells you that you are special and infinitely valuable. All you have to do is look into your lover's eyes to remind yourself that you have never been more worthy or more lovable. Idealization is a potent short-term remedy for low self-esteem.

As we have observed, the attraction of most affair partners is the positive mirroring they provide when you gaze into their eyes. Affair partners are generally no more attractive than the spouses they rival. What makes them irresistible is their gratification of an unquenchable thirst for approval. It's hard for an impoverished ego to resist a cornucopia of flattery and admiration.

The Need for Excitement Type-T Personality Thrill-seeking personalities prefer high-risk adventure, constant novelty, and high-intensity activities. Psychologist Frank Farley's Type-T theory explains the personality and behavior of individuals who seek stimulation and high arousal.5 Type-T individuals can risk financial ruin by being constantly on the verge of bankruptcy or partic.i.p.ate in dangerous sports, such as bungee jumping and drag racing. On the positive side, these individuals may be enormously successful because they aren't afraid to shoot for the moon. On the negative side, their attraction to risky undertakings can endanger them. The appeal of infidelity for the Type-T personality is the thrill of flirting with danger and the challenge of avoiding detection by a suspicious spouse. Type-T individuals can risk financial ruin by being constantly on the verge of bankruptcy or partic.i.p.ate in dangerous sports, such as bungee jumping and drag racing. On the positive side, these individuals may be enormously successful because they aren't afraid to shoot for the moon. On the negative side, their attraction to risky undertakings can endanger them. The appeal of infidelity for the Type-T personality is the thrill of flirting with danger and the challenge of avoiding detection by a suspicious spouse.

Alexythymia A persistent desire for excitement and thrill seeking in all aspects of life may be an indication of alexythymia. Alexythymic individuals have difficulty naming emotions and describing what they feel. According to psychologist Ron Levant, alexythymia is common among American men because of early socialization experiences that teach them to keep a stiff upper lip.6 Anger is one of the few emotions that can be identified or expressed by alexythymic males. Anger is one of the few emotions that can be identified or expressed by alexythymic males.

The alexythymic spouse's lack of sensitivity toward subtle emotions makes him somewhat impervious to feeling the gentle warmth and contentment of a stable relationship. Only the intense blaze of a new pa.s.sion reaches his high threshold for detecting emotional states. He likes "hot" s.e.x and being "in love" and strives for intensity instead of intimacy.

Bright Beginnings, Muddled Middles Some people are sprinters, and others are long-distance runners. In the game of love, almost everybody can do the short course. Unfortunately, many eager beginners lose momentum or drop out of the race when they get to the demands of the middle phase. Each new experience and each new person offers the possibility of personal transformation. Each new start is the best that he or she has ever known, until it isn't.

A person who thrives on "beginnings" will have a life pattern of starting over and over and over: new careers, new hobbies, and new relationships. This person feels fully alive during the romantic wooing of a new partner and the uncertainty of conquest but has difficulty staying on course when no longer carried forward on the wings of arousal. Being in the middle of what was once new creates boredom. Many move from relationship to relationship in a pattern of "sequential monogamy." Others are able to sustain long-term marriage by fulfilling their need for new beginnings through a succession of extramarital affairs.

Getting High Philandering can be a sign of addictive behavior, although the surface behaviors (and consequences) may look similar to those of the ent.i.tled philanderer. The addicted philanderer feels driven to seek opportunities rather than ent.i.tled to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves now and then. An addictive cycle begins with obsessions or feelings of anxiety that escalate until the need is satisfied. After the initial high, individuals often crash and burn. Their oaths to make this the last time are difficult to keep. However, those who are acting against their own value systems tend to benefit much more from individual and couple therapy than ent.i.tled philanderers.

In a s.e.xual addiction recovery program, 16 percent of all of the s.e.x addicts were women.8

Addicted to s.e.x: s.e.x addicts experience feelings of worthlessness. They are unable to resist their impulses despite possible embarra.s.sment or risk to their family and career. They are driven toward o.r.g.a.s.mic release, but the release is only temporary; the cycle of regret, anxiety, and risky behavior begins again. Compulsive masturbation, p.o.r.nography, ma.s.sage parlors, and one-night stands can become such a preoccupation that marital s.e.x is no longer desired.

A residential treatment center for addictions reported that 80 percent of the patients being treated for s.e.xual addiction were corporate executives or high-level professionals. residential treatment center for addictions reported that 80 percent of the patients being treated for s.e.xual addiction were corporate executives or high-level professionals.7

Discovery is shocking to spouses, who may have been attributing lack of marital s.e.x to their partner's low libido. On the other hand, the fixation with s.e.x may create demands for such frequent s.e.x that the betrayed spouse is stunned by a revelation that extramarital s.e.x was occurring in addition to twice daily s.e.x in the marriage. Discovery is catastrophic if it occurs because of an arrest for soliciting prost.i.tutes, a s.e.xual hara.s.sment suit at work, or contraction of a s.e.xually transmitted disease by the betrayed partner.

Addicted to love: Love addicts live for the heightened physical and emotional feelings that are part of falling in love with a new person: the pa.s.sionate pursuit, the adoration, the thrill of infatuation. They experience physiological changes similar to those felt by a drug addict: an initial high or euphoria that doesn't last. The love addict enjoys falling, but soon after the object of pursuit reciprocates the attention, the clarity of daylight is a call to reality. This kind of love doesn't tolerate the earthiness of flesh-and-blood connections. However, the constant covering up required by infidelity can keep the illusion alive longer than an open relationship.

A betrayed wife was torn apart by the love letters she found, but by the time her husband was on his third affair she recognized the same pa.s.sionate phrases and p.r.o.nouncements of love that she had seen in the first two. She realized that he was in love with love, and that she could never compete with the intensity of his attachments to his fantasy loves.

Addicted to romance: People who are addicted to romantic love are really addicted to the romantic setting: candlelight and roses, violins playing love songs, and walks in the moonlight. More important than the specific person who is the object of desire are the circ.u.mstances of desire. I was touched and impressed by the romantic gestures that Oliver made toward his wife during their recovery from his infidelity. He planned a surprise weekend at a romantic place, covered the bed with roses, and bought her something special from Victoria's Secret. Unfortunately, one year later he was romancing yet another woman with his extravagant gestures, and his illicit courtship landed him in divorce court.

Addicted to the Internet: The Internet offers a perfect vehicle for pursuing addictions to s.e.x, love, or romance. On-line activities often start out as entertainment or recreation but escalate into compulsions that are difficult to discontinue despite adverse consequences. It is clear that Donald went over the line when on-line s.e.x and love threatened his career, his family life, and his marriage to Daphne.

Multiple addictions: People with an addictive personality are frequently addicted to getting high on more than one thing, for example, s.e.xaholics can also be alcoholics or fanatic exercisers. Infidelity may be only one component of a compulsive pattern that includes the abuse of drugs or alcohol. The connection between substance abuse and infidelity is a familiar scenario. "I had too much to drink at the company party" is a common explanation for a one-night stand. Alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine loosen inhibitions and intensify s.e.xual arousal. Occasional overindulgence may explain a brief fling, but getting high may be part of the camaraderie of a continuing affair. One man brought that home to me when he said, "When I got sober, I got faithful."

Psychologist Kimberly Young found that 52 percent of Internet addicts were in recovery programs for alcoholism, chemical dependency, compulsive gambling, or chronic overeating.9

The drive to satisfy cravings for stimulation or approval can lead to invigorating adventures, extraordinary achievement, or self-destructive patterns. A quest for intensity is what characterizes all of these needs, desires, and addictions. Looking back at experiences from childhood and earlier relationships will help us understand where these excessive needs come from. Getting in touch with suppressed emotions will diminish the striving for intense stimulation.

Echoes from the Past Our reactions to current situations resound with echoes from the past. When I am sitting on the sidelines at the tennis court because I haven't found someone to play with, I feel totally rejected and forlorn. These feelings are irrational because I usually have lots of people who want to play tennis with me. I recognize that I am reexperiencing rejections in junior high, where I was usually the last one to be picked for a team. My adult reactions at the tennis court are reverberating down the halls of memory to age thirteen. To get myself back to reality, I try to figure out whether what I am feeling is live or Memorex.

We bring to our current relationships all of our old tapes from the past. The way we react to present situations reflects the psychic wounds, adaptations, and survival skills we learned in earlier relationships. Our parents, teachers, lovers, and even our old cla.s.smates are sitting on our shoulders whispering messages into our ears. They influence how easily we trust others, how much closeness or distance we need, how much s.e.x and affection we seek, and how threatened we are by criticism. Without conscious awareness, we've been evolving our emotional deficits and resources since infancy.

Old Family Tapes The family is our first and foremost teacher about relationships. The child observes how family members relate to each other and is taught to take certain parts in the unfolding drama. The question here isn't as much about family history as about family roles. Some people become habituated to the roles they experienced in their family. Others rebel against their childhood roles and vow never to be in that position again. Our family constellation is the first drawing board for relationship triangles.

The Indulged Child Not every ent.i.tled philanderer is a person of wealth and influence. Some adults were raised to feel privileged by virtue of their birth order, their special talents, their physical appeal, or their gender. The "golden child" in the family is indulged and pampered without any responsibilities, except to shine and make the parents proud. The "baby" or the "princess" may expect his or her spouse to cater to every whim without any expectation of reciprocity.

Sid was his family's shining star. He was an outstanding athlete and a brilliant scholar. He was treated differently from his siblings, who were expected to perform mundane ch.o.r.es. When Sally caught Sid with his affair partner after many false promises, she packed his suitcase and told him to leave. Sid said, "If you make me leave, then you have to take responsibility for breaking up this family." Sid felt ent.i.tled to do whatever he wanted and expected his wife to endure his deception because he had been indulged throughout his childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood.

The Chaste Mother Men who perceive their mothers as pure and untouchable have a tendency to split women into two distinct groups: the virginal types that you marry and the wild women you have erotic s.e.x with. This split between affection and s.e.x is called the "Madonna-wh.o.r.e complex." You might remember how difficult it was for Gavin and Grace to arrive at a mutual understanding of his s.e.xual fling with Tina. Gavin saw Grace as "a good woman" and Tina as "loose." This split allowed him to engage in casual s.e.x with Tina while remaining committed to Grace.

Some men become constricted s.e.xually with their wives after the first child is born because their exciting s.e.x partner has now become a mother. An unfaithful husband sent s.e.xually explicit greeting cards to his affair partner but never considered sending something like that to his wife. Even after his wife told him she would enjoy receiving a s.e.xy card from him, he said, "I couldn't send something like that to you. You're my wife and the mother of my children."

The Laissez-faire Parents Hilda's parents let her do pretty much as she pleased because they were preoccupied with their own lives. When her friends in high school had to rush home for curfews, Hilda could stay out as late as she wanted. Although she enjoyed this freedom, she felt neglected and uncared for. Her husband, Hale, was an easygoing guy who loved Hilda's free spirit. However, as the years went on, Hilda took his unflagging trust as lack of interest and caring.

One night, Hilda went out with a bunch of her girlfriends to a dance club, where she met an interesting man who invited her to his house. She called Hale at 2:00 A.M. A.M. and told him that she was going to be out all night. Hales unexpected response stunned her. He said, "Either you get home in the next half hour, or you can pack your bags." Hilda drove home immediately, singing joyously at the top of her lungs. She took Hale's reaction as evidence that finally there was someone who loved her enough to set limits on her. and told him that she was going to be out all night. Hales unexpected response stunned her. He said, "Either you get home in the next half hour, or you can pack your bags." Hilda drove home immediately, singing joyously at the top of her lungs. She took Hale's reaction as evidence that finally there was someone who loved her enough to set limits on her.

Our Parents as Partners We learn not only from how our parents and family members treat us, but from how they treated each other. Sometimes people identify with the parent who, as they perceived it, was victimized in the marriage, and sometimes they identify with the one who they thought was stronger.

Sadie had a dominating father who was demeaning to her mother. After witnessing her mother's pa.s.sivity and humiliation, Sadie vowed that she would never be like her mother. Her conscious decision to be different put into place an unconscious drive to model herself after her father, a notorious womanizer. In her own marriage, Sadie was "a control freak" and was unfaithful with several different men. She retained her "first-strike capability" as a defensive maneuver because what she feared most was being the type of woman who stayed at home, weeping over a philandering husband.

During his engagement, Ronald got involved briefly with an old girlfriend. A few months after he was married, he "fooled around" with a woman he met at a bar. In counseling he uncovered how leery he was of committing to one woman for life. He had watched his father become the unhappy caretaker of his difficult mother after she became chronically ill. He believed his father could have done so much better if he hadn't gotten stuck in a bad marriage.

Emotional Allergies Excessive emotional reactions can be due to emotional allergies from the past that are unconsciously activated by minimal cues in the present.10 Xandra and Edward developed extreme sensitivity (and therefore extreme reactions) to anything that looked or smelled like what they had experienced at the hands of their parents. Thus, their spouses unwittingly triggered emotional allergies by fairly innocuous behaviors. Xandra and Edward developed extreme sensitivity (and therefore extreme reactions) to anything that looked or smelled like what they had experienced at the hands of their parents. Thus, their spouses unwittingly triggered emotional allergies by fairly innocuous behaviors.

Think of a woman who is allergic to peanuts. She may have eaten peanuts comfortably until the day that peanuts brought on an allergic reaction that was life-threatening. Since then, just the scent of peanuts is enough to start an automatic response, such as sensations that her throat is closing up. Even looking at pictures of peanuts, when no real peanuts are present, can trigger the same allergic reaction in some people.

Xandra felt like she was going to suffocate when her husband was even remotely solicitous. Her mother had been extremely overprotective and smothered Xandra with attention, advice, and her own anxieties. When Xandra got married, she imagined that she would be able to breathe free at last. When her husband simply mentioned that the weather report was predicting hazardous driving conditions, Xandra reacted as if he had just lit a fuse under her. She had an emotional allergy to his attention, advice, and anxieties (sound familiar?). She would plead, "I need s.p.a.ce" without understanding the unconscious mechanisms. An affair gave Xandra the distorted perception that she was finally a freewheeling adult.

Edward grew up with a mother who was distracted and distant. The only attention he got from her was criticism. Edward's wife gave him a lot of physical and emotional support, but he was supersensitive to being neglected or criticized. Whenever she was preoccupied with work or tired at the end of the day, he would personalize her weariness as rejection and feel that she must not love him anymore. He heard her requests to help out more with the children as ego-shattering putdowns. The unconditional adoration of his secretary made him vulnerable for an affair. But he didn't get what he craved because his secretary soon began to complain that she wanted more time together-so he ended it.

Xandra's husband and Edward's wife were innocent victims of their partners' troubled childhoods. They were unfairly caught in reactions that their partners developed before they had ever met. Recognizing these patterns is an essential step in developing emotional antihistamines. Lori Gordon teaches in her PAIRS program that knowing what touches off our emotional allergies is the only way to determine whether we are in the presence of something harmless or harmful.11 Xandra and Edward can control their emotional allergies by reminding themselves, "You are not my toxic parent. You are my caring partner." And their spouses can be sensitive about triggering these allergies unnecessarily; for example, they can signal, "I'm having a rough day today, and it isn't anything you've done." A compa.s.sionate marriage is the safest place to heal; affairs can activate new emotional allergies in the unfaithful spouse and the betrayed spouse.

Survivors of Childhood Abuse Men and women who were s.e.xually abused during childhood or adolescence may engage in compulsive s.e.xual behavior as a consequence of the earlier trauma. It is common for male and female s.e.x addicts to be survivors of childhood s.e.xual abuse.12 Men who were molested during childhood or adolescence by adult men or women often turn to extramarital s.e.x to validate their masculinity. Psychologist April Westfall has observed a significant number of incest survivors engaging in high-risk s.e.xual behaviors. Men who were molested during childhood or adolescence by adult men or women often turn to extramarital s.e.x to validate their masculinity. Psychologist April Westfall has observed a significant number of incest survivors engaging in high-risk s.e.xual behaviors.13 Compulsive s.e.xual acting-out replicates the earlier trauma through secrecy, shame, and high emotional intensity. Compulsive s.e.xual acting-out replicates the earlier trauma through secrecy, shame, and high emotional intensity.

Patrick Carnes reported that 81 percent of 600 s.e.x addicts he surveyed had been s.e.xually abused, 73 percent had been physically abused, and 97 percent had been emotionally abused.14

Adult survivors of s.e.xual abuse may show a strong s.e.xual desire at the beginning of a relationship. It is common for abuse survivors to have trouble integrating their s.e.xual feelings with feelings of love. Therefore, they may withdraw s.e.xually when a relationship becomes more emotionally intimate because the closeness recalls the discomfort of s.e.xual molestation by caregivers. They may seek experiences with a new partner as their s.e.xual feelings for a spouse taper off. This separation of feelings can make fidelity in marriage a real challenge for both spouses.

Spouses may not even be privy to this traumatic past. Sudden amorous gestures by an unknowing spouse can be experienced as aversive if they evoke memories of unwelcome intrusions into their partner's personal s.p.a.ce. It's important for the s.e.xually abused spouse to initiate and be in control of s.e.xual encounters. Extramarital pursuits may be perceived as a way for him or her to be the more powerful partner, the one who can do rather than be done unto. The couple's recovery from infidelity will necessitate sharing not only the nature of the betrayal but also the history of s.e.xual victimization in the unfaithful partner.

Attachment Styles Attachment experiences with caregivers during infancy and early childhood have a profound effect on adult love relationships.15 Researchers have demonstrated a link between the kind of bonding that people formed with their parents and the kind of bonding they will form later with s.e.xual partners. A secure and trusting relationship with parents is likely to result in a secure and trusting relationship with a life partner. To extend that link even further. Elizabeth Allen's research demonstrated how adult romantic attachment styles predicted who was most likely to be unfaithful, what motivated extramarital involvement, and the likelihood of remorse over infidelity. Researchers have demonstrated a link between the kind of bonding that people formed with their parents and the kind of bonding they will form later with s.e.xual partners. A secure and trusting relationship with parents is likely to result in a secure and trusting relationship with a life partner. To extend that link even further. Elizabeth Allen's research demonstrated how adult romantic attachment styles predicted who was most likely to be unfaithful, what motivated extramarital involvement, and the likelihood of remorse over infidelity.16 Secure Attachment Style Children who have been consistently well-loved from birth form secure attachments to their parents. They can count on their parents to be responsive to their needs. When these children are left with a baby sitter or day care provider, they are able to separate because they are secure in the belief that their parents will return. They are easily soothed. As adults, they are not concerned about abandonment or overdependency. They enjoy physical contact such as cuddling as well as s.e.xual contact.

Adults with a secure attachment style are more likely to be faithful. Because they have the capacity to form deep emotional and s.e.xual bonds, they are unlikely to have one-night stands and their infrequent affairs are more momentous when they do occur. Looking back at Ralph and Rachel, we can surmise that Ralph had a secure attachment style. His affair with Lara was a threat to his marriage because he became so attached to her. The closer he felt to Lara, the further he moved away from Rachel. He would never have been able to justify an affair just for the s.e.x.

People with a secure attachment style usually form one bond at a time and are not comfortable leading a double life and loving two people at the same time. Loyalty to their lover inhibits them from having s.e.x at home. They can't face the prospect that they are bad people who are abandoning good marriages, so they reframe their situation to make themselves into good people abandoning bad marriages. The internal pressure to resolve their divided commitments often leads them to divorce. They exemplify monogamous infidels.

Anxious Attachment Style Children with anxious attachments have parents whose comforting and attention is unpredictable. Time together is arranged according to the needs of the parent, not the needs of the child. The children become anxious because they can't count on controlling the contact. Pleasurable connections with parents are erratic. The children cry profusely and are agitated when the mother or caretaker leaves, are angry upon her return, and are not easily soothed. They crave affection and need to be rea.s.sured of their self-worth. They cope by pulling away or clinging.

Anxious/fearful. Adults with an anxious/fearful attachment style are ambivalent and fearful of emotional closeness that they can't rely on. They need closeness but are afraid to open up too much and expose their vulnerabilities. Marriage can feel confining. They view an affair as a way to get "s.p.a.ce" and autonomy. They can sometimes risk getting close in the affair because the constraints of an affair limit how much closeness is possible. An affair allows them to achieve some autonomy and increase their self-esteem.

Anxious/preoccupied: Adults with an anxious/preoccupied attachment style crave emotional closeness. They are insecure about the depth of their spouse's feelings and may view them as distant or neglectful. An affair offers them the intimacy and self-esteem they hunger for. They may develop a rapid and intense attraction to their affair partner, which fills them with both desire and anxiety. Although Elizabeth Allen found that women were more likely than men to cite intimacy as the reason for an affair, men with preoccupied attachment style were inclined toward intense, obsessive affairs.

Dismissive Attachment Style Children with a detached or dismissive attachment style have very little interaction with their parents. They are rejected either physically or emotionally. As a consequence, they learn to suppress their own needs, don't rely on others, and appear independent. They feel safest by depending solely on themselves and may be seen as "lone wolves." They prefer flying solo and are uneasy collaborating with a copilot.

Elizabeth Allen found that dismissive men had twice as many affairs as men with other attachment styles: 74 percent of married men with a dismissive attachment style had at least one affair.17

Adults with a dismissive attachment style don't open up easily (if at all) and don't ponder much about relationships. They are p.r.o.ne to have one-night stands and to engage in multiple infidelities. Engaging in extramarital s.e.x early in marriage is not uncommon and indicates a reluctance to make a lifetime commitment to one person. They experience their spouses as too intrusive and smothering, and they enjoy the increased distance, s.p.a.ce, and freedom that infidelity provides.

Split Attachment Styles: The Double Life I have observed that individuals who had an anxious attachment in childhood often try to repair it by marrying someone who will provide the secure base they longed for but didn't have. They look for a mate who will give them unconditional regard and will always be there for them. Although the marriage provides some healing, the longing for the parent who wasn't there never disappears completely.

When Ken married Kris, he felt really good being with a woman who could give him the steady loving attention he never got from his mother. Through the years, Ken could count on Kris's warmth and devotion. He gradually became more secure and confident as the deficit of his childhood was largely filled by Kris. Then Ken met Ilse, who was a lot like his mother: she had rapid mood swings, was seductive and elusive, and her interest in him was intermittent.

How could Ken cheat on his wonderful wife with a woman who wasn't nearly as loving or devoted? Because Ken's primary need for security and loving stability had been met by Kris, he then was driven to pursue his unconscious need to capture a woman who created an anxious attachment similar to that of his mother.

Childhood attachments can be either compensated or replicated in the marriage. An affair provides an alternative. There is usually a contrast in the type of attachment that is formed in these two relationships by an ambivalent spouse in a stable triangle. A clear picture of attachment style will bring insights into how and why someone becomes involved outside the marriage-whether he or she is seeking closeness, distance, or unpredictability.

Pa.s.sages and Growing Pains In Chapter 9 we explored the transition points in the family life cycle when an individual can be vulnerable to extramarital involvements. In this section, we will look at the developmental cycle, which charts the inner psychological evolution of the individual. These are pa.s.sages from one stage to another when the individual asks "Do I want to keep on as I am, or am I ready for a change?" An affair can be a way to ask or answer that question.

To a great extent, how you cope with transitions in your life depends on how you perceive them. Transitions can be times of reflection or times of loss. Birthdays and anniversaries can be occasions to ask where you want to go or times of regret about where you've been. Instead of living fully in the present, some people dwell in the glories and regrets of the past; others live in dread or in eager antic.i.p.ation of the future. Each new pa.s.sage can be experienced as a challenge, a burden, or an accomplishment.

New Roles An affair can represent a transition from the way we were to the way we would like to be. When Ilene married Ian, she was attracted to his strong sense of morality and religious principles. They belonged to a devout religious community. Ilene welcomed the structure and constraints because she had grown up in a chaotic family where rituals and routines were absent. However, as Ilene advanced in her career and became more involved in the secular world, she began to question the rigidity and constrictions that their religion placed on their lifestyle.

Instead of bringing her concerns to Ian, she had an affair with a man who professed to be an atheist. She enjoyed listening to his philosophy and liberated perspective. Although Ian began to notice that she was dressing in a less conservative manner, he didn't object. In fact, he sometimes complimented her on her makeup and attractive clothes. When Ilene's "adultery" was revealed, Ian was shattered. However, his dedication to his family kept them together until they were able to come to a mutual understanding about their beliefs. Ilene realized that she could be her own person within the marriage without violating the Ten Commandments.

Reluctant Grown-ups Some individuals appear to have a prolonged adolescence. Although they age and advance in their careers, they are reluctant to grow up and a.s.sume the responsibilities of adulthood. When young adults become engaged, get married, or face the challenges of parenting, they may start to think: "Omigawd, now I have to be a real grown-up." Until this new event, they could pretend they were only "playing house." Now they have to come to terms with their adult commitments and responsibilities. One way to hold on to the illusion of an unenc.u.mbered life while married is to have an extramarital affair.

Midlife Reckonings For many people, midlife is a time of turmoil, when they question their choices and experience the disappointment of unmet expectations. Family responsibilities are often heavy, and health problems may become apparent. It's not unusual for midlife couples to be raising teenagers and dealing with aging parents at the same time.

Death of a Parent One common midlife reflection occurs when parents die. You are still a child as long as one of your parents is alive. When both parents are gone, the buffer between middle age and your own demise has disappeared. The bereaved children start to evaluate their own marriages if a parent dies after a life of misery in a bad marriage: "Do I want to spend what's left of my life in this empty marriage?" An affair can be used as a trial balloon to see whether a new partner offer, a more promising future than the disappointing past.

No More Mountains to Climb In another kind of midlife reckoning, people who appear to be highly esteemed and materially rewarded may be restless and unhappy. The unease for some is the failure to achieve incredible aspirations: economists who didn't win the n.o.bel prize; professional athletes who weren't inducted into the Hall of Fame; artists who weren't exhibited at the Metropolitan; and parents who failed to raise children who were designated as "gifted and talented."

Sid's story ill.u.s.trates how midlife restlessness contributes to infidelity. From the time Sid was young, he had known he was going to be an attorney. His parents fostered his dreams and did everything they could to help him achieve his goals. He worked hard to get into an Ivy League college; once there, he put his nose to the grindstone and achieved the excellence required for him to be admitted to a prestigious law school. After attaining a compet.i.tive edge through his appointment to the Law Review, he acquired a coveted position in a corporate law firm.

During law school, Sid and Sally got married. While he studied, she worked and handled the household responsibilities-just as his parents had done. He excelled in his profession. His Mercedes convertible and gorgeous home were outward signs of his success. Sally was able to stay home to raise their three outstanding children, but Sid worked so hard that his children were practically strangers to him.

At midlife, Sid found himself at the peak of his profession with no more mountains to climb. He asked himself "Is this all there is?" He felt empty because his life had always been about what he could achieve, rather than who he was or what kind of personal relationships he had. He was exalted by his colleagues and his clients, but Sally was less impressed because she had known him before he was such an important person. He started feeling bored with his life and his marriage.

And then he met an exciting female attorney who wasn't easily attainable. Pursuing her became his new undertaking. After a bitter divorce from Sally, Sid married his dream woman and bought an even more palatial house than before. Without Sally there to front for him, he had to establish an independent relationship with his children. They were devastated by the breakup of the family unit and began to have problems in school and at home.

Sid began to realize that he had always run away from the real issues in his life during the same time he was being lavishly rewarded. He started to wonder how he could be fulfilled without constantly reaching for the bra.s.s ring. It was too late to reclaim the fractured past, but he did become a better father and a more devoted husband in his second marriage-even after it was no longer exciting.

Never Too Old I have encountered couples old enough for Medicare who were dealing with the trauma of infidelity. Just because you're grandparents and respected seniors in your community doesn't mean that the vulnerability for infidelity has vanished. Imagine the shock of finding out that your spouse is having an affair while you are sending out invitations for your fiftieth wedding anniversary or eagerly awaiting the birth of your first great-grandchild.

Getting older triggers fears about death, worries about physical health, and concerns about s.e.xual potency or desirability. Occasional male erectile dysfunction is part of the normal aging process, and the increased arousal of extramarital s.e.x can appear to provide a temporary cure. (v.i.a.g.r.a is a more reliable route that helps to restore good marital s.e.x.) An affair can be an attempt 10 rekindle vitality and demonstrate that you're still alive and kicking. A new partner can feel like drinking from the fountain of youth. In the movie Moonstruck, the aging wife says to her philandering husband, "No matter where you go or what you do, you're going to die anyway." Nevertheless, men (with declining testosterone levels) have fewer affairs after their mid-sixties because they are afraid to risk family disapproval or lose the security of their marriages. Women having affairs in their sixties tend to be involved in long-term love affairs rather than brief casual affairs.18 This suggests that they are seeking something much more than s.e.xual excitement. This suggests that they are seeking something much more than s.e.xual excitement.

Retirement poses an ident.i.ty crisis for people whose sense of self was dependent on their work. I have observed numerous individuals in the military who had their first affair as their service career was ending. They hardly knew who they were without their uniforms and stripes. The excitement of an affair was a way to experience a new beginning at a time when it felt like everything they had counted on for their sense of ident.i.ty was coming to an end. Those who attributed their affairs to marital problems instead of to this major life transition often ended up divorced.

The Exception or the Rule?

Understanding the story of the individual helps to answer the burning question of whether deception and dishonesty are the exception or the rule. When Rachel first learned of Ralph's affair with Lara, she said, "I thought Ralph was an honest person. Now I have to ask myself whether I married a liar." Is the unfaithful partner ,I good person who did a bad thing, or is infidelity just another demonstration of poor character?

Faithlessness can be either an aberration or a life pattern. To determine whether infidelity is a matter of character or circ.u.mstance, you have to know the difference between behaviors that emanate from states versus those due to traits. For example, if your spouse comes home after work and is irritable and uncommunicative, you might conclude that he or she is tired and had a bad day at work (situational-a temporary state), or that he or she is simply an inveterate grouch who'll never change (personality-a permanent trait).

Although the focus of this book is not on pathological behavior, a brief review of traits that are indicative of narcissism and antisocial personality disorders might be helpful.19 Narcissism Narcissists have an excessive preoccupation with their own distress and an inability to empathize with the pain caused by their betrayals. An att.i.tude of ent.i.tlement is seen in the narcissist's lack of guilt over infidelity. Narcissists also have a grandiose sense of self-importance. They can be workaholics, noted philanthropists, or charming raconteurs. They see themselves as unique and demand special attention from doctors, restaurant hosts, and their romantic partners. They are often condescending to others and expect to be catered to; they get frustrated waiting in line with ordinary mortals. Although they appear arrogant, their own shaky self-esteem is dependent on high achievement and constant recognition.