Nature and Human Nature Part 42

"'Where am I?' sais I.

"'In 44 40' north,' said he, 'and 63 40' west,' as near as I could hear him.

"'And what country is dat are?' said I. 'My name is Jerry Boudrot.'

"'Where are you bound?' said he.

"'Home,'1 said I.

1 All colonists call England "home."

"'Well,' said he, 'at this season of the year you shall make de run in twenty-five day. A pleasant pa.s.sage to you!' and away he went.

"Oh, I was plague scared; for it is a dreadful thing to be lost at sea.

"'Twenty-five days,' said I, 'afore we get home! Oh, mon Dieu! oh dear! we shall all starve to death; and what is worse, die first. What provision have we, boys?'

"'Well,' sais they, 'we counted, and we have two figs of tobacco, and six loaf baker's bread (for the priest), two feet of wood, three matches, and five gallons of water, and one pipe among us all.' Three matches and five gallons of water! Oh, I was so sorry to lose my life, and what was wus, I had my best clothes on bord.

"'Oh, boys, we are out of sight of land now,' sais I, 'and what is wus, may be we go so far we get out sight of de sun too, where is dark like down cellar. Oh, it's a shocking ting to be lost at sea. Oh, people lose deir way dere so bad, sometimes dey nevare return no more.

People that's lost in de wood dey come back if dey live, but them that's lost at sea nevare. Oh, I was d.a.m.n scared. Oh, mon Dieu! what is 44 40' north and 63 40' west? Is dat de conetry were people who are lost at sea go to? Boys, is there any rum on board?' and they said there was a bottle for the old lady's rheumatis. 'Well, hand it up,'

sais I, 'and if ever you get back tell her it was lost at sea, and has gone to 44 40' north and 63 40' west. Oh, dear, dis all comes from going out of sight of land.'

"Oh, I was vary dry you may depend; I was so scared at being lost at sea that way, my lips stuck together like the sole and upper-leather of a shoe. And when I took down the bottle to draw breath, the boys took it away, as it was all we had. Oh, it set my mouth afire, it was made to warm outside and not inside. Dere was brimstone, and camphor, and eetle red pepper, and turpentene in it. Vary hot, vary nasty, and vary trong, and it made me sea-sick, and I gave up my dinner, for I could not hole him no longer, he jump so in de stomach, and what was wus, I had so little for anoder meal. Fust I lose my way, den I lose my sense, den I lose my dinner, and what is wus I lose myself to sea.

Oh, I repent vary mush of my sin in going out of sight of land. Well, I lights my pipe and walks up and down, and presently the sun comes out quite bright.

"'Well, dat sun,' sais I, 'boys, sets every night behind my barn in the big swamp, somewhere about the Hemlock Grove. Well, dat is 63 40'

west I suppose. And it rises a few miles to the eastward of that barn, sometimes out of a fog bank, and sometimes out o' the water; well that is 44 40' north, which is all but east I suppose. Now, if we steer west we will see our barn, but steering east is being lost at sea, for in time you would be behind de sun.'

"Well, we didn't sleep much dat night, you may depend, but we prayed a great deal, and we talked a great deal, and I was so cussed scared I did not know what to do. Well, morning came and still no land, and I began to get diablement feared again. Every two or tree minutes I run up de riggin' and look out, but couldn't see notin'. At last I went down to my trunk, for I had bottle there for my rheumatics too, only no nasty stuff in it, that the boys didn't know of, and I took very long draught, I was so scared; and then I went on deck and up de riggin' again.

"'Boys,' sais I, 'there's the barn. That's 63 40' west. I tole you so.' Well, when I came down I went on my knees, and I vowed as long as I lived I would hug as tight and close as ever I could."

"Your wife?" sais I.

"Pooh, no," said he, turning round contemptuously towards her; "hug her, eh! why, she has got the rheumatiz, and her tongue is in mourning for her teeth. No, hug the sh.o.r.e, man, hug it so close as posseeble, and nevare lose sight of land for fear of being lost at sea."

The old woman perceiving that Jerry had been making some joke at her expense, asked the girl the meaning of it, when she rose, and seizing his cap and boxing his ears with it, right and left, asked what he meant by wearing it before gentlemen, and then poured out a torrent of abuse on him, with such volubility I was unable to follow it.

Jerry sneaked off, and set in the corner near his daughter, afraid to speak, and the old woman took her chair again, unable to do so. There was a truce and a calm, so to change the conversation, sais I:

"Sorrow, take the rifle and go and see if there is a Jesuit-priest about here, and if there is shoot him, and take him on board and cook him."

"Oh, Ma.s.sa Sam," said he, and he opened his eyes and goggled like an owl awfully frightened. "Goody gracious me, now you is joking, isn't you? I is sure you is. You wouldn't now, Ma.s.sa, you wouldn't make dis child do murder, would you? Oh, Ma.s.sa!! kill de poor priest who nebber did no harm in all his born days, and him hab no wife and child to follow him to--"

"The pot," sais I, "oh, yes, if they ask me arter him I will say he is gone to pot."

"Oh, Ma.s.sa, now you is funnin, ain't you?" and he tried to force a laugh. "How in de world under de canopy ob hebbin must de priest be cooked?"

"Cut his head and feet off," sais I, "break his thighs short, close up to the stumps, bend 'em up his side, ram him into the pot and stew him with ham and vegetables. Lick! a Jesuit-priest is delicious done that way."

The girl dropped her cards on her knees and looked at me with intense anxiety. She seemed quite handsome, I do actilly believe if she was put into a tub and washed, laid out on the gra.s.s a few nights with her face up to bleach it, her great yarn petticoats hauled off and proper ones put on, and her head and feet dressed right, she'd beat the Blue-nose galls for beauty out and out; but that is neither here nor there, those that want white faces must wash them, and those that want white floors must scrub them, it's enough for me that they are white, without my making them so. Well, she looked all eyes and ears. Jerry's under-jaw dropped, Cutler was flabbergasted, and the doctor looked as if he thought, "Well, what are you at now?" while the old woman appeared anxious enough to give her whole barrel of eggs to know what was going on.

"Oh, Ma.s.sa," said Sorrow, "dis here child can't have no hand in it. De priest will pyson you, to a dead sartainty. If he was baked he mout do. In Africa dey is hannibals and eat dere prisoners, but den dey bake or roast 'em, but stew him, Ma.s.sa! by golly he will pyson you, as sure as 'postles. My dear ole missus died from only eaten hogs wid dere heads on."

"Hogs!" said I.

"Yes, Ma.s.sa, in course, hogs wid dere heads on. Oh, she was a most a beautiful cook, but she was fizzled out by bad cookery at de last."

"You black villain," said I, "do you mean to say your mistress ever eat whole hogs?"

"Yes, Ma.s.sa, in course I do, but it was abbin' dere heads on fixed her flint for her."

"What an awful liar you are, Sorrow!"

"'Pon my sacred word and honour, Ma.s.sa," he said, "I stake my testament oat on it; does you tink dis here child now would swear to a lie? true as preachin', Sar."

"Go on," said I, "I like to see a fellow go the whole animal while he is about it. How many did it take to kill her?"

"Well, Ma.s.sa, she told me herself, on her def bed, she didn't eat no more nor ten or a dozen hogs, but she didn't blame dem, it was havin'

dere heads on did all the mischief. I was away when dey was cooked, or it wouldn't a happened. I was down to Charleston Bank to draw six hundred dollars for her, and when I came back she sent for me.

'Sorrow,' sais she, 'Plutarch has poisoned me.'

"'Oh, de black villain', sais I, 'Missus, I will tye him to a tree and burn him.'

"'No, no,' she said, 'I will return good for ebil. Send for Rev. Mr Hominy, and Mr Succatash, de Yankee oberseer, and tell my poor granny Chloe her ole missus is dyin', and to come back, hot foot, and bring Plutarch, for my disgestion is all gone.' Well, when Plutarch came she said, 'Plue, my child, you have killed your missus by cooking de hogs wid dere heads on, but I won't punish you, I is intendin' to extinguish you by kindness among de plantation n.i.g.g.e.rs. I will heap coals of fire on your head.'

"'Dat's right, Missus,' sais I, 'burn the villain up, but burn him with green wood so as to make slow fire, dat's de ticket, Missus, it sarves him right.'

"Oh, if you eber heard yellin', Ma.s.sa, you'd a heard it den. Plue he trowed himself down on de ground, and he rolled and he kicked and he screamed like mad.

"'Don't make a noise, Plutarch,' said she, 'I can't stand it. I isn't a goin' to put you to def. You shall lib. I will gib you a wife.'

"'Oh, tankee, Missus,' said he, 'oh, I will pray for you night and day, when I ain't at work or asleep, for eber and eber. Amen.'

"'You shall ab Cloe for a wife.'

"Cloe, Ma.s.sa, was seventy-five, if she was one blessed second old. She was crippled with rheumatis, and walked on crutches, and hadn't a tooth in her head. She was just doubled up like a tall n.i.g.g.e.r in a short bed.

"'Oh, Lord, Missus,' said Plutarch, 'hab mercy on dis sinner, O dear Missus, O lubly Missus, oh hab mercy on dis child.'

"'Tankee, Missus,' said Cloe. 'G.o.d bless you, Missus, I is quite appy now. I is a leetle too young for dat spark, for I is cuttin' a new set o' teeth now, and ab suffered from teethin' most amazin', but I will make him a lubin' wife. Don't be shy, Mr Plue,' said she, and she up wid one ob her crutches and gub him a poke in de ribs dat made him grunt like a pig. 'Come, tand up,' said she, 'till de parson tie de knot round your neck.'

"'Oh! Lord, Missus,' said he, 'ab ma.s.sy!' But de parson married 'em, and said, 's.l.u.te your bride!' but he didn't move.

"'He is so bashful,' said Cloe, takin' him round de neck and kissin'