Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour Part 19

c.o.c.kNEY PHILOSOPHY.

The Socratic mode of argument is the only true mode of chopping logic, because it proceeds altogether on the principle of axing questions.

'ARRY PUTS 'EM RIGHT.

The _Daily Chronicle_--recently suggested that the plural of rhinoceros is a disputed point. 'Arry writes: "What O, _Mr. P._, 'disputed'?--not a bit. Any kiddy as 'as 'ad 'arf an eddication knows what the plural of "oss' is, don't he? No matter as to its bein' spelt "os' or "oss.'

Plural, anyway "osses.' 'Bus-'os'--'Bus-'osses.'

'Rhinocer-os'--'Rhinocer-osses.' That's as plain as an 'aystack, ain't it?"

"Yours,

"'ARRY."

DEFINITION FOR A DINER-OUT.--An unlicensed wittler, quoth our worthy 'ost.--'ARRY.

[Ill.u.s.tration: FERVOUR IN THE FOG

_Unpromising Individual (suddenly--his voice vibrating with pa.s.sion)._

"She's moy unney; Oim 'er joy!"]

"Ah!" exclaimed, enthusiastically, a hairdresser's a.s.sistant who had been out for a holiday. "'Ind 'Ead, in Surrey! That's the place for hair!"

THE REAL LONDON PRIDE.--We know an inveterate c.o.c.kney who declares that London milk beats the country milk, and beats it "_by many chalks_."

GOOD PAPER FOR DEAF c.o.c.kNEYS.--_The 'Earer._

THE MUSICAL COSTER CRAZE.--_Customer._ Have you a copy of Costa's _Eli_?

_Shopman._ No, sir; we have none of Chevalier's songs.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "I say, 'Arry, don't we look frights!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "I say, Bill, oo was this 'ere Nelson as everybody wos a talkin' about?" "Why, 'e was the chap as turned the French out of Trafalgar Square!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Bill, can you lend me twopence?"

"Wot a silly question to arst! Why, if I 'ad twopence, wot 'ud I be doin' standin' outside a public 'ouse?"]

A SONG OF SPRING

_By a c.o.c.kney Poet._

All hail, thou jocund time of year, To c.o.c.kneys and c.o.c.k-robins dear!

All hail, thou flowery, showery season, When throstles, mating, perch the trees on: When sparrows on the house-tops sit, And court their loves with cheery twit: While opera songsters tune their throats, Exchanging for our gold their notes!

Now Nature her new dress receives, And dinner-tables spread their leaves; Asparagus again one sees, And early ducklings, served with peas; Again the crisp whitebait we crunch, And chops of lambkin blithely munch; Salmon again our shops afford, And plovers' eggs adorn the board; While for one day at least our sons May stuff themselves with hot cross buns!

See now the swells begin to show Their horsemanship in Rotten Row: See now the Drive is thronged once more, And idlers lounge there as of yore: See now fair April fills Mayfair, And gives new life to Grosvenor Square.

See now what crowds flock to the Zoo, Where Master Hippo is on view See daffodils, and daisies pied In bloom, and b.u.t.tercups beside: See now the thorn, and e'en the rose Signs of returning Spring disclose: See now the lilac large in bud; While costermongers, splashed with mud, The product of the pa.s.sing showers, Cry, "Here's yer all a blowing flowers!"

Or wake the echoes of the groves[A]

With "Hornaments for yer fire-stoves!"

[Footnote A: Westbourne Grove, Lisson Grove, Camden Grove, &c.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _'Appy 'Arry_--

"With my new panama-a-ar And tupp'ny ciga-a-ar."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ENCOURAGING, VERY!

_c.o.c.kney Art-Teacher (newly arrived and nervous--after a long silence)._ "If you _should_ see a chance o' drorin' any thing correctly--DO SO!!"

[_Collapse of expectant student._

[Ill.u.s.tration: STANDING NO NONSENSE.

_'Arry._ "Phew!"--(_the weather was warm, and they had walked over from 'Ammersmith_)--"bring us a bottle o'champagne, waiter."

_Waiter._ "Yessir--dry, sir?"