Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour Part 20

_'Arry (aughtily, to put a stop to this familiarity at once)._ "Never you mind whether we're dry or whether we ain't!--bring the wine!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SHEREDITY.

_Lady._ "You don't mean to tell me that this little girl is fit to wait at table!"

_Mother (proudly)._ "Well 'm, she _ought_ to be, seein' as 'ow 'er father 'as been a _plate layer_ for five-and-twenty year!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Lady (referring to programme, to friend)._ "'Schumann, op. 2.' What's the meaning of 'op. 2'?"

_'Arry (who thinks he is being addressed, and always ready to oblige with information)._ "Oh, op. 2. Second dance; second 'op, yer know. May I 'ave the pleasure?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE SALE OF INTOXICANTS TO CHILDREN BILL.

"It's another hinjustice to hus pore wimmen, it is! They won't let us send the kids for it now, an' if my heldest boy goes for it 'e 'as 'arf of it 'isself, 'an' if my old man goes 'e never comes back! so the hend of it is, I 'ave to go for it myself!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DISCOURAGING.

_Nervous Philanthropist (on a slumming excursion)._ "Can you tell me if this is Little Erebus Street, my man?"

_Suspicious-looking Party._ "Yus."

_Nervous P._ "Er--rather a rough sort of thoroughfare, isn't it?"

_Suspicious-looking P._ "Yus; it is a bit thick. The further yer gows daown, the thicker it gits. I lives in the last 'aouse."

[_Exit philanthropist hurriedly in the opposite direction._

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.

_First Burglar._ "'Ere's a go, mate! This 'ere bit o' turkey, knuckile hend of an 'am, arf a sossidge, and the 'olly off the plum-puddin'!

Might as well 'ave looked in on a bloomin' vegetarian!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Temperance Orator._ "Ho, pause, my dear friends, pause!"

_A Voice._ "Ye're right, ole man, _they are_!"]

c.o.c.kNEY HOBSERVATION.

c.o.c.kneys are not the only people who drop or exasperate the "h's." It is done by common people in the provinces, and you may laugh at them for it. The deduction therefore is, that a peasant, with an "h," is fair game.

NEW c.o.c.kNEY SAINT.--Mrs. Malaprop declares that if she lives to be a hundred--and all her family detain a venerated age--she will certainly have a Saint 'Enery.

RIDDLE BY 'ARRY.--"Look 'ere, if you're speakin' of a young unmarried lady bein' rather 'uffy, what well-known river would you name?--Why, '_Miss is 'ippy_,' o' course."

[Ill.u.s.tration: EASTER MONDAY

_'Arry._ "Do you pa.s.s any pubs on the way to Broadstairs, cabby?"

_Cabby._ "Yes. Lots."

_'Arry._ "Well, _don't!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "I beg your pardon, ma'am, but I think you dropped this?"]

THE END