Mother's Remedies Part 197

What pa.s.ses for conversation at receptions, dinners, ordinary social affairs, is merely chatter made up, of persiflage and repartee. One must be able to furnish it, however, for small talk is conversational "small change," without which it is not easy to "do business." Lacking it, one is like Mark Twain's man with the million dollar check and not change enough to buy a postage stamp.

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SUBJECTS OF CONVERSATION.

No one can tell another person what to talk about. Advice on that subject is valueless. There are some things we may do, however, to make ourselves agreeable in conversation. We may study the art of expressing ourselves clearly,--saying what we wish to say without circ.u.mlocution. Some people seem to begin in the middle of a subject and talk both ways.

Avoid personalities in your conversation. Don't talk about yourself; n.o.body is interested in your personal perplexities and troubles. Don't recite your "symptoms" nor tell what the doctor says, nor what diet he has prescribed. Nothing, positively nothing, is so tiresome. Don't indulge in animadversions upon the absent, nor make sarcastic remarks about them.

Try to discover some subject in which your companion is interested, and get him to talking. Then show yourself a good listener. A woman may get the reputation of being bright and clever if she will simply show herself a good listener. To do this, she must give her attention to the person who is talking. She must seem interested. Her eyes must not wander around the room; she must not take up picture or book and glance over it; her questions must be intelligent and to the point. Then, unless the speaker is a well-known bore, she need never suffer under the imputation of being neglected in society, and she will be thought courteous and intelligent.

Discourtesies.--To interrupt a speaker, to take the words out of his mouth and finish the sentence for him, to broach a new topic, irrelevant to that in hand, unless the latter is in danger of leading to thin conversational ice,--all these are discourtesies.

To yawn while listening to anyone; to show lack of interest in a story or anecdote that is being told, or let the attention wander, is marked impoliteness. We are not to remind a speaker that his story is an old one, or that he has told it before.

Some Things to Avoid.--A man should avoid raving over the perfections, the beauty or chic of one woman to another. He shouldn't talk golf to one who doesn't know the language of the game, nor discourse on music to the unmusical. Above all, he shouldn't undertake to entertain the whole company, nor introduce a topic in which he only is interested or informed.

The more serious questions of life are barred in society; people wish to be amused, not instructed. An inveterate talker, especially one of a didactic turn, is a bore. So is the man who puts a hobby through its paces. Avoid exaggerations in conversation, also extravagances, such as "beastly this" or "awfully that," also avoid over emphasis. Don't talk in italics.

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The Speaking Voice.--A clear, distinct enunciation should be cultivated.

The voice need not--should not--be raised above the ordinary conversational level to make one perfectly understood, if only one speaks clearly. This is something that can be cultivated. So also a discrimination in the use of words, so that which most nearly expresses the meaning of the speaker comes to him readily.

A pleasant voice is a charm, either in man or woman. A noted teacher of singing once remarked that the cultivation of the speaking voice is a positive duty, and possible to almost everyone. Certainly a harsh, squeaky, shrill or affected tone of voice may be improved by care and endeavor.

CHURCH ETIQUETTE.

Surely the church is the place where one day's truce ought to be allowed to the vanities, the dissensions and animosities of mankind.--Burke.

The church is sometimes sarcastically referred to as "the social stepping-stone." It is a fact that the newly made rich and the vulgar often choose a church attended by the people of fashion whose acquaintance they most desire, rent a high-priced pew, and become prominent through their benefactions and their services in church work. They are "taken up,"

after a time, in a fashion, and unless too socially impossible through lack of good breeding, may, from "fringers," become "climbers." "I might go to that church for a hundred years and no one would notice me,"

bitterly complained a woman who had undertaken the social uplift via the church. The woman in question defeated her own object. She dressed in the extreme of style; she always came in late, with much rustle of silk and rattle of bangles; her hair was "touched up" and her face rouged. The well-bred and refined members condemned her on these grounds.

Nevertheless, where a stranger comes who bears the hall-mark of culture and refinement, the church connection is often an aid to social habilitation, though it should never be sought as such.

Friendly Advances.--Friendly advances generally come from pew neighbors.

Respond to them courteously but without undue eagerness. Do not expect your pastor to become your social sponsor with his congregation, and remember that though he will probably call after letters of church membership are presented, you have no claim upon his family, nor the families of any of the church officers through acquaintance in business life. This is often a grievance to people from smaller towns who, moving to a city, expect the families of their business a.s.sociates to a.s.sist them socially. Two men may be partners for ten years without their wives knowing each other by sight, if they chance to move in different social circles.

Demeanor.--One should dress quietly at church, give attention to the service and the clergyman, and not linger unduly in the vestibule to gossip or greet friends. To notify the usher if one's pew will not be occupied is a courtesy if the preacher is popular and the church crowded.

To be disagreeable in case strangers are shown to one's pew, or mistakenly seated there, is unkind and unchristian. Giggling, smiles, exchange of smiles or bows in the church proper are regarded as bad form.

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NEIGHBORHOOD ETIQUETTE.

Neighborliness is a quality little exercised in cities, where one may live next door to people for years and merely know their names. Some people prefer not to know their neighbors, fearing undue familiarity on their part. The relationship may be a very pleasant one if both parties observe certain restraints. It is not well to become too intimate. n.o.body wants a neighbor running in at all hours, with or without an errand. Sometimes to sit on the back porch with a book or paper seems to invite a neighbor to "run over" and the hour's rest or mental recreation is given over to small talk.

A neighbor has no more right to enter without knocking than any other caller, whether by kitchen or front door. It is an intrusion, a disregard of the reserve that should characterize neighborly intercourse. No matter how friendly, friendship will last longer where the forms of decorum are observed.

Borrowing.--The exchange of "kitchen-kindnesses" should be ventured upon rarely. By these is meant the plate of cookies or biscuit or doughnuts we send our neighbor on baking-day. Some families prefer their own cooking. A woman who had been annoyed by many unsolicited donations of this kind, persisted in though unreciprocated, finally piled the sent-in biscuit rather ostentatiously on the garbage can in full sight of her neighbor's window. Other hints had failed, this was effective--a rather violent remedy, but after all not undeserved. In case of illness, where one has no maid, or the family must care for the sick, a fresh cake or a tasty dessert may be offered, and will seldom fail of appreciation. Knowing the circ.u.mstances, one need not hesitate over the proffer of a neighborly kindness.

There is little excuse in the city for the borrowing of kitchen staples which is the bane of some country neighborhoods. A borrowing neighbor is an affliction--a nuisance which unfortunately doesn't come under the jurisdiction of the Board of Health.

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CARRIAGE ETIQUETTE.

A story is told of a certain great lady who visited at the court of a reigning monarch on a secret matrimonial mission. The monarch had three daughters; the emperor of her own country had a marriageable son. Before overtures were made for an alliance, the lady was to see the three princesses and decide which one should be honored by the proposal. It was her whim to rely upon "the carriage test." She watched the young princesses as they alighted from the royal carriage. The oldest one descended clumsily, displaying too much of the royal lingerie. The second skipped out, disdaining the step. The third descended gracefully and with dignity, and Cupid's amba.s.sador decided she would make the most fitting empress.

At certain finishing schools, lessons in deportment include training in how to enter and leave a vehicle gracefully. Stepping out on the right-hand side, the right foot is placed on the step, the left naturally falls on the ground. Entering, the left foot is first advanced. In this way the other foot clears the body of the carriage without awkwardness.

Minor Items.--The rule that the owner of the carriage occupies the right-hand seat even when accompanied by a guest, is almost universally observed. The only exception seems to be when the guest is a person of unusual distinction.

To place one's carriage at the disposal of a friend is a great courtesy, and should never be abused by the recipient. In case of accident the occupant should pay the bills for repairs, or at least urge that she be allowed to do so.

If a lady invites a friend to pay calls with her, dropping her companion to call on some acquaintance while she goes on to see a friend of her own, the lady thus favored must not keep her waiting on her return, more than the few moments necessary to make her adieux.

CIVILITY IN PUBLIC.

One is shocked, often, at the prevalence of rudeness in human intercourse.

People who are courteous in the drawing-room are sometimes horribly uncivil in public. They crowd and jostle and elbow in thc endeavor to secure better places for themselves, violating every canon of politeness.

Women have fainted, gowns have been ruined and valuable articles lost in "crushes" incident to gatherings in "our best society."

Many people carry an umbrella with utter disregard of the eyes and headgear of the pa.s.sing crowd. Closed, it is tucked under the arm, the ferrule projecting behind on a level with the face of a pedestrian. They go through a heavy door, pushing it open for themselves and letting it swing back against the next comer. They step in advance of those who have prior claim to be shown to seats, and accept civilities and service without so much as a "Thank you." They endeavor to obtain "something for nothing" by piling their luggage into seats they have not paid for on the train; on the boat they fortify themselves in a circle of chairs that are "engaged"--generally to hold their wraps and lunch-boxes, while others look in vain for seats.

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Rude Tourists.--Tourists have a reputation for a disregard of the rights of others, which makes them obnoxiously uncivil. They enter a church where worshipers are kneeling and audibly criticise the architecture and decorations, or the faith to which it is consecrated. They comment flippantly on great pictures in art galleries, and snicker over undraped statues, evincing the commonness of their minds and their lack of knowledge of art. But one of the worst lapses of decorum is to sit in a theatre and antic.i.p.ate the action of the play, or the development of a musical number, by explanations to a companion. To do so may show familiarity with the play or the score, but it also shows a painful lack of good breeding, and a disregard of others' rights to peaceful enjoyment.

On a par with this is the incivility of a person who undertakes to accompany a soloist with his (or her) own little pipe, to the annoyance of those who prefer to listen to professional rather than amateur efforts.

Of course all these rude people excuse themselves by saying they "get left" if they don't "rush," and that they "paid for their seats," as if this atoned for their disregard of those who, equally with themselves, have paid for a pleasure spoiled for them by the greed or impertinence of their fellow men--and women.

Telephone Etiquette.--"Central" could disclose how discourteous many women who pique themselves on their good manners can be when they are "calling down" the tradesman who has made a mistake in filling their order. And how often a party line is held for a lengthy "telephone visit" while others wait their really important affairs because the "line's busy!"

The manners of the public need reforming. Civility is a public good.

Without it, we would be barbarians. It is the practical application of the Golden Rule to everyday life. To lay aside our own courtesy because we are in a crowd, or among people who do not know us, reduces us below the level of those who are not versed in the social requirements, because we know them and should practise them, whereas they do not know.