Josh Billings on Ice Part 32

Stealing is more ancient and more honorable than malishus buzzing, but it aint quite so safe; the goods are often found on the thief, and this leads to his detection, while the buzzer is more like the incendiary, who applys the match and makes good his escape before the flames begin tew spread.

If these pests ov humanity were not wuss in their malice than a pizen snake without rattles, or meaner in their mischief than the robber ov birds nests, I would try and hunt up an apology for them, or at least, would attribute to an eager curiosity, or the vanity ov being thought a kind ov sub-treasury ov other folks' confidence, what is quite too often too gross to be set down only in the calendar ov crimes.

Good-bye buzzers, ov high and low degree--yu that buzz in petticoats, and yu that buzz in britches; I hav but one opinion ov yu, and that is--a dreadful mean one.

LXVIII.

MONOGRAFFS.

THE PASHIONATE MAN.

Pride, without dout, is the old man ov anger.

The pashionate man is like a hornet's nest, alwus reddy for a fight.

These kind ov men live, if they are possessed ov virtues, the most degrading kind ov a life; their fury is followed bi the humiliation ov repentance. Pride forces them tew the indignity ov an apology, and the apology is but the smouldering ashes ov another fit ov phrensy.

If men only flew into a pashun at great things thare would be some pleasure in forgiving them if it took an earthquake or an elephant tew stir them up, we could pity them; but to see them convulsed with rage bekause they stub their toe, or bekause their name happens to be spelt wrong in the morning paper, sinks them down tew the level ov a cat, whose dignity and decency is awl gone if enny boddy happens to step on their continuation.

But i don't want it told around the country that i am hollering halleluger for a living, on them kind uv men who kant git mad at all.

I don't believe the Lord ever intended, if a mule kicks me on one side, that i am tew turn the other fresh side tew the mule.

I say, let a hornet light ontu yu if he wants to, and let him set thare, and chaw his cud in peace; but if he stings yu, while he is setting on yu, i say, kill the cuss.

THE ZEALOUS MAN.

The zealous man is alwus trieing tew bile, that is, if he has got enny steam on at all.

His pot never simmers, it generally biles over, and puts out the fire; he is either awl bile, or not even lukewarm.

Zeal often makes a man more ridiklus than folly duz; in fakt, zeal and folly were twins, only zeal was born a little first; he couldn't wait, ov course, till his time c.u.m.

Zeal in religion, is the way that biggots are made, an zeal in selling the most dri goods, is the way that good liars are made.

I beleaf in zeal, but when it trys tew beat Dexter's time, then i think it wants watching as much as a mule's hind legg dus.

Zeal that trots square, and goes a measured mile in about 3 minnitts without a skip, is mi kind; i am willing to bet mi suspender b.u.t.tons (and they are the last things i want tew lose) on this kind ov zeal.

After all, zeal is a good deal like lead; when it is biling hot, yu kan run it into enny kind ov shape yu want tew, but when it is cold, it is as heavy as enny thing i kno ov.

I want mi zeal just as i dew mi beefsteak, nicely dun thru.

THE GOOD-NATURED MAN.

Good nature is not an accomplishment, (that is it is not one of them kind ov collaterals, that kan be manufakterd,) it is one ov the virtews, which a man gits, just as he dus his nose, bi having it born with him.

It is really worth more tew the world, tew hav a good natured man born into it, and go into the good natured bissness, than to hav a poeck born, and go into the poeckry bissness.

Good natur is what evry man kan understand, but there is a good deal of poeckry that n.o.boddy kan understand, and if they did, they wouldn't be enny the wiser for it.

Good natured men work up into fathers, husbands, and brothers, fust rate, and without enny waste; they make good feller citizens, and evry boddy feels as if they had some stock in them; little children love them, and the girls ain't afrade tew be kist by them; they are as safe and as pleasant as root beer.

The good-natured man aint alwus a statesman, nor aint alwus just the man for sekretary ov the treasury, but to grease the griddle ov evry day life, tew soften the furious, tew raise the despondent, and tew endorse 60 day paper, he weighs at least a ton.

I had rather be a good natured man than tew hav a seat in the New York Legislature; thare may not be as mutch money in it, but thare is twice the means ov grace.

LXIX.

PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF Sh.e.l.l.

I hav finally c.u.m tew the conclusion that thare aint truth enuff in the world, just now, to do the bissiness with, and if sum kind ov compromise cant be had, the Devil might as well step in, and run the consarn at onst.

I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is a boring in the rong plase.

Don't tell the world yure sorrows, enny more than you would tell them your shame.

Philosophers are like graveyards--they take all things just as they come, and give them a decent burial and a suitable epitaff.

Enny boddy can tell where lightning struck last, but it takes a smart man tew find out whare it is going tew strike nex time--this is one ov the differences between learning and wisdom.

Sailors heave the lead for the purpose ov finding the bottom, not for the purpose ov going thare--it is sum so with advise; men should ask for it, not so mutch for the purpose ov following it, as for the purpose ov strengthening their own plans.

I have got a first rate recollekshun, but no memory--I can recolleckt distinctly ov loseing a 10 Dollar bill onse, but cant remember whare, to save mi life.