Josh Billings on Ice Part 33

There is men ov so mutch learning and impudence, they wouldn't hesitate tew criticise the song ov a bird.

Hogs hav an excellent ear for music--but it takes a dog tew pitch the tune.

I hav seen men as full ov indecision as an old barn--alwus reddy, but didn't know exactly which way to pitch.

Thare is sum folks whose thoughts cant be controled:--they are like twins, they cant be had, nor they cant be stopped.

Most ennyboddy can write poor sense, but there aint but few that can write good nonsense--and it alwus takes an eddycated man to appreciate it after it is writ.

LXX.

JOSH EPISTOLATES.

_Neptune._--I cant answer yure questions satisfactorily tew miself, but perhaps mi answers may suit yu. I cant tell yu what _wit_ and _humor_ is.

It may be the bringing together two ideas, apparently unlike, and hav them prove tew be a cluss match.

Thare wouldn't be enny wit in striking fire with a flint, but thare might be in striking fire with a piece of injia rubber.

I don't serpose thare would be enny grate quant.i.ty ov wit in yure telling sumboddy that yure gal was as hansum as a rose, but thare might possibly be sum wit into it if yu should go on and say that she was as frail, and as th.o.r.n.y, too.

Humor (as compared with wit) seems to be what the old fashioned folks in Connecticut used tew call "heat lightning," not the original artikle that gashes the heavens with a flaming sword, and makes a fellow's hair get up on end and ake with astonishment. Humor don't dazzle, don't knock a man down with a sparkle; it is more a soothing syrup, sumthing tew tickle, without enny danger ov throwing the patient into fits.

Thare seems tew be more than one kind ov wit; punning is called wit, but punning alwus looked to me like trieing tew make words pa.s.s for ideas.

Thare is without doubt, sum wit in puns, but it is something like sticking a pin into a man, just for fun, and then ask him tew join in the joke.

Thare is sum more kinds ov wit, but i find i aint roomy enuff in the skull tew talk mutch about them.

Wit and humor both are similar tew kissing; thare is a peculiar kind ov bewitchment in awl three ov them, that evryboddy can acknowledge better than they can pictur out.

Almost evryboddy hankers tew be witty, and most folks think they am, but ginowine wit is like piety; thare aint much ov it in the market, and those who think they hav the least ov it, are quite apt tew hav the most.

_Philo._--I am chuck full ov favourable sentiments towards dancing. I like most awl kinds, from a genteel, and modest Saratoger prance, tew the limber, and loose bilt Alabama break-down. Thare is no other way tew git the b.o.o.by out ov a boy, and keep him from steping onto himself, than tew learn him how tew danse. This kind ov leg manuel is useful for both s.e.xes. Dancing is just as harmless as gitting over a fence, and i think dancing-masters should be encouraged, but still i haint got enny more respekt for a full grown man, who weighs over a hundred pounds, who will give himself up tew this profession, ov learning folks how tew dance, than I hav for the fellow who exhibits trained mice. The best apology that i kan make, tew these dancing professors, is tew say, that they are martyrs tew the calling. But while I am loud in mi sentiments for the theory ov motion, thare is sum ov its collaterals that don't fasten onto my bussum with mutch exta-tickness, but rather with grate clammyness. I don't kno but awl the kind ov dances that are now raging, are as free from guile as an oyster, but i hav witnessed sum amung the top ov the ladder folks, (i don't know the name ov the dances) that i think ought tew be confined tew the married people, and each man with his own wife, and not tew menny bystanders at that.

The amus.e.m.e.nts which i refer to, are ov the cluss communion style, a species ov affectionate rotaryousness, interspersed with palpitating pauses, and demiquaver wiglings, which, strike me, must be indulged in with great risk by those whose minds and hearts ain't thoroughly broke to go in aul harness.

I kant dance miself; i was away from hum in mi younger dase, bissy about sumthing else, when i ought tew hav learnt, and the consequents is, that i cant even walk now without betraying mi awkwardness.

I am most certainly in favor ov dancing, as a matter of boddy and limb educashun; but i hope the fastidious and immoderately polite won't introduce into the exercise ov this most delightful and innocent amus.e.m.e.nt enny more questionable figgers and forms, and will see the propriety ov banishing some now already indulged in, which are more a credit tew their dexterity and prurient knowledge than tew enny thing else.

_Plutark._--"Bring up a child in the way he should go, and when he gits old, he won't depart from it."

This is trew, but it is tuff to know how to do it.

I have seen children brought up on hasty pudding and the catechism, half and half; but they didn't stick. Ministers' sons are proverbial eggs for badness; this may be owing tew the fact, that religious discipline aint half so good tew raise young ones on as good common sense is.

When I speak ov "religious discipline," Plutark, i don't mean piety, i only mean a certain kind of stiff-faced and buckram morality, made up out ov creed and ironclad noshons.

As a general thing ministers hav as little tew brag ov, over and above their piety, as ennybody i kno ov.

As a cla.s.s, they are better judges of chicken pie than they are of human natur; their theorys are too much like a tredmill, and there is nothing in the world will ruin a child enny faster than tew bring them up by rule.

Children want studdying as much as the weather dus during planting time, tew know when and what tew plant.

One child may be as easy tew raise as pertatoes, and the next one as difficult as wild oats.

I have raised two miself, and consider them a fair average, and the only string I fiddled on was their good sense, and the more sense a child has got the less fiddling is necessary.

If a young one haint got enny sense, they won't pay for raising ennyhow.

If a child has got plenty ov sense, they are apt tew hav pride, and a child that has got sense and pride, is just as easy tew raise as a hopvine; aul you want to dew is tew stick up a decent pole for them, and then stand one side and look on, and jerusalem! how the critters will climb.

LXXI.

AULMINAK FOR 1869.

MARCH.

March begins on Sat.u.r.day, and hangs on for 31 days.

_Sat.u.r.day, 1st._--Sum wind; look out for squalls, and pack peddlers; munny iz tight, so are briks. Ben Jonson had his boots tapped 1574; eggs a dollar a piece, hens on a strike; mercury 45 degrees above zero; snow, mixed with wind.

_Sunday, 2nd._--Horace Greeley preaches in Grace church; text, "the gentleman in black," wind north-west, with simptoms of dust; hen strike continues; the ringleaders are finally arrested and sent to pot; eggs eazier.

_Monday, 3rd._--Big wind; omnibus, with 17 pa.s.sengers inside, blown over in Broadway; sow lettuce, and sow on b.u.t.tons; about these days look out for wind; Augustus Ceazer sighns the tempranse pledge 1286; strong simptoms ov spring; blue birds and organ grinders make their appearance; sun sets in wind.

_Tuesday, 4th._--Augustus Ceazer breaks the pledge 1286; "put not your trust in kings, and princes;" much wind with rain; a whole lot ov naughty children destroyed in Mercer street by wind; several gusts ov wind; buckwheat slapjacks invented 1745; Andy Johnson commits suicide; grate failure in Wall street; the Bulls fail tew inflate Erie; windy.

_Wensday, 5th._--A good day tew set a hen; mutch wind: "he that spareth the child, hateth the rod;" wind raises awnings, and hoop skirts; William Seward resigns in favor ov Fernando Would; Thad Stevens jines the mormons.

_Thursday, 6th._--Wind generally, accompanied with wind from the east; the Black Crook still rages; more wind; whisky hots still in favor ov the seller; sow peas, and punkin pies, for arly sa.s.s; babes in the woods born 1600; wind threatens.