Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 7

It was Open Day on the farm and visitors were being taken round on guided tours. One group was led by a simple minded youth and in the party was a ventriloquist who thought he'd have some fun. Arriving at the horses, the ventriloquist used his voice to make it look as if the horse was saying "h.e.l.lo there, welcome to our farm."

They moved on to the cows and he made one of the cows look as if it was saying "They've moved us onto the worst field in the farm."

Then the pigs said, "Yes, but it's that dog keeps upsetting the young ones."

By this time the simple farmhand is sweating with anxiety.

"Now look here," he says to the group as they move towards the sheep pen. "Don't believe a word those sheep tell you."

The young man was obsessed by the beautiful secretary in his office. He just had to kiss her and touch her body and ...

One day, he plucked up the courage to speak to her.

"I think you're so gorgeous, if I paid you 250, would you come into the storeroom with me so that I can kiss you and rub my hands up and down your body?"

Now the girl liked money a lot, so she agreed and they disappeared into the storeroom. For the next 10 minutes, he showered her with kisses, unb.u.t.toning her blouse and ravishing her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, but all the time, he kept murmuring, "I don't know, I don't know."

Eventually, she asked, "Why do you keep saying 'I don't know?"

"Well, I don't know how I'm going to pay you", he replied.

The electrician remarked to his apprentice, "You'll see all sorts of things in this job, lad, but just keep your mind on the work and above all, use tact. Let me give you an example. I was asked to install a new light fitting in number 43 but when I went in, a naked lady was in the shower. I immediately turned round and left, saying, "Excuse me, Sir. Now that is tact!"

A couple of weeks later, the electrician and his apprentice were called to a house on the Vale Estate. They were asked to install new wiring. The electrician asked his apprentice to check out the rooms upstairs but when he came back down, he had two black eyes and a b.l.o.o.d.y nose.

"What happened to you?" exclaimed the electrician.

"You and your b.l.o.o.d.y tact," sobbed the boy. "I went into this bedroom and there was a naked couple lying on the bed so I quickly tried to leave, saying "Excuse me, gentlemen" and that's when they hit me!"

After spending six months in a desert outpost, the new recruit goes to see his commanding officer.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but this place is driving me nuts. If only we had some female company."

"Well, I can't do anything about that, son," replies the officer, "but we do have something else. There's a barrel over there with a hole in the side and you'll find that will help to relieve your frustrations. You're free to use it any day but Wednesday."

"Thank you, Sir," replies the recruit, "but why can't I use it on Wednesday?"

"Well, it's all based on a sharing system and on Wednesdays it's your turn in the barrel."

The simpleton's car broke down and the garage man arrived to take a look at it.

"Oh yeah, s.h.i.t in the carburettor," said the mechanic.

"Really, how often will I have to do that?" he replied.

"You can use my Dictaphone," said the office Casanova to the new secretary.

"No thanks, I'll use my finger like everyone else," she replied.

The milkman delivers the milk the day before Christmas and rings the bell of number 11, hoping for a festive tip. As the door opens, he sees a beautiful woman standing there wearing a see-through nightie. She takes him by the hand and guides him upstairs where she makes mad pa.s.sionate love to him. At the end of the session, they return downstairs where she cooks a delicious fried breakfast and hands him 1.

"I don't understand" says the puzzled milkman. "What's going on?"

She replies, "When I asked my husband whether I should give you a 5 tip, he replied, 'f.u.c.k the milkman and give him 1.' The breakfast was my idea."

"Help, help," sobbed the simple lad. "I've cut my finger off in that machine."

"How on earth did you manage that?" said his mate.

"Well, I just put my finger on that spinning wheel...aah...

there goes another one."

Camp Ordeal certainly lived up to its name. New recruits to this remote army base dreaded the posting.

One night there was a surprise inspection. The bugle was blown and the young soldiers ran swiftly to quadrangle where they lined up, most of them naked because there wasn't time to put anything on. As the sergeant major walked down the line, he saw that one soldier had a huge erection and quick as a flash he thumped it hard with his baton.

To his amazement, the soldier remained standing perfectly still with a blank look on his face.

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l," cursed the sergeant major, "I just swatted your p.e.n.i.s and you stand there unaffected."

The soldier replied, "It's not mine sir, it belongs to the man behind."

The young lad was taken on by the local newspaper as a trainee journalist. After a few weeks sweeping up, answering the telephone and generally tidying up, he was sent out on his first a.s.signment. He was off to interview the attendant at the public toilets who had been working there for fifty years.

"I expect you've seen a lot of changes in your time?" asked the boy.

"Oh yes indeed," replied the man, "It's not like it used to be.

These days, the kids come in to take drugs - ecstasy, smoke some gra.s.s, snort cocaine, even put the needles in themselves." He shook his head sadly and beckoned the boy a bit closer. "To be quite honest with you, now if they come in for a s.h.i.t, it's a breath of fresh air."

Bob Bright was a trainee manager in the town's largest supermarket. He was doing well, although one day he almost met his match. A customer approached him and asked for half an apple. When he was told this was impossible, the customer insisted and was beginning to make quite a scene. Bob went off to check with his boss.

"Mr Blake, sir, there's some crazy prat out there who wants to buy half an apple."

As he finished speaking, he noticed the customer had followed him in, so he very quickly said, "And this customer would like to buy the other half."

"Then do it," said the boss.

A few weeks went by until one day Bob was called to the boss's office." Aah! there you are, Bob. I was so impressed with the way you handled that awkward situation the other day - such quick thinking - that I've secured you a manager's position in one of our smaller outlets in New Greentown."

"What!" exclaimed the man. "But there's nothing in New Greentown except for wh.o.r.es and body builders."

"Now listen, Bob, my wife comes from there!" Quick as a flash, Bob replied, "Really, Sir, body building's fascinating, did your wife win any prizes?"

To avoid being called up for active duty two men pulled all their teeth out before going in for their medical examination. On this particular morning there were just 3 of them - the two friends and a dirty looking tramp.

The first friend stood before the doctor and told him he had no teeth. The doctor put his finger in the man's mouth, ran it around his gums and agreed that he was not fit for active duty.

The doctor then turned to the tramp who told him he had very very painful piles.

"OK," said the doctor, "drop your trousers and turn round so that I can examine you."

The tramp did as he was told and the doctor stuck his finger up the man's a.r.s.e and felt around.

"Mmm, they are bad," said the doctor. "You've failed the test as well."

He then turned to the second friend and said, "What's wrong with you?"

The man looked at the doctor's finger and shook his head vigorously.

"Nothing, nothing at all, doctor."

The Social Security said to Johnny, "Why don't you get a job?"

"What for?" he replied.

"So you can put some money in the bank until one day you'll have enough to retire and you can stop working."

"But I'm not working now," he retorted.

A big strapping boy went up to the big house for a job as a handyman but returned home very disappointed.

"Oh, dad, I'm so ashamed, I really made a c.o.c.k up."

"How come, son?"

"The lady was very nice, she asked me lots of questions, seemed pleased with what I had to say, I told her I was a hard worker but then right at the end she asked to see my testimonials...that's when I lost it!"

A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE.

The young man finally made up his mind to tell his mother he was gay. He could no longer keep it a secret so one evening when she was in the kitchen making supper, he took the plunge and told her.

"Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."

Immediately, his mother replied, "Does being gay mean you have men's d.i.c.ks in your mouth?"

"Well ..." stammered the young man. "Yes, it does."

"In that case," she said angrily, "don't you ever criticise my cooking again."

A gay walks into a pub carrying a small bag and announces to the crowd, "If anyone can guess what's in my bag, I'm yours for the night."

A big, burly man stands up, thinking he'll have a laugh and shouts, "OK, I guess you've got a 10-ton truck in there."

The gay looks into his bag and smiles.

"Well done, we have a winner."

There was a convention on in town and all the available accommodation was taken up by the visiting delegates.

"I'm sorry, Sir, there isn't a room anywhere, the only bed I've got left means you'll have to share a room with one of our local residents and he snores so loudly you won't get any sleep at all." The weary traveller considered it for a moment and then smiled.

"No problem," he said, "I don't mind sharing."

The next morning, the man went to check out.

"Well, sir, you look well rested, you must have slept well, how did you manage it with all that snoring?"

"I wasn't disturbed at all," replied the man. "Before I went to sleep I blew the other man a kiss and said, 'Sleep well darling.' He stayed awake all night watching me."