Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 6

"I've got to have somewhere to put the sheep's back legs."

Steve was a down-to-earth c.o.c.kney lad from the East End docks of London. At this time, he had a problem and he didn't know what to do. He was in love with two girls and they were in love with him. There was Tracy who worked in her dad's eel pie and mash shop. She was blonde, beautiful and funny. But there was also Maria, dark and stunning, kind and thoughtful. One day he was pa.s.sing a church and decided to go inside for some divine inspiration. He knelt down in one of the pews and prayed.

"Oh G.o.d, please 'elp me. I've gotta decide who to wed, shall I marry Tracy or Maria?"

When he had finished he looked up and smiled gratefully, for over the alter he read "Ave Maria". And that's just what he did.

"What's wrong, Jake, you look all fired up," said his mate.

"I sure am. My girl's going to die of the clap."

"No, don't worry. People don't die of the clap these days."

"They do when they give it to me."

An unscrupulous young man had fancied this girl for ages but she had shown no interest in him so he decided to play a trick on her. The next time he saw her sunbathing on the beach he went up and said, "Hi Julie, I bet you 10 I can keep an eye on my clothes while I dive into the sea."

Now Julie felt pretty sure that it would be impossible for him to dive in and watch the beach at the same time so she accepted the bet. The young man took a false eye out of his pocket put it on his clothes and then dived into the water.

When he returned he smiled and said, "Come on, Julie, I bet you another 10 I can bite my own ear."

"Oh no," she said, "Not more tricks. I suppose it's plastic teeth this time?"

"I promise you they're my own," he said, so she accepted the bet. He took out his false teeth and bit his own ear. Now Julie was down 20 and feeling very annoyed." Heh Julie, I'll give you a chance to win all your money back. I bet I can make love to you and you won't feel a thing.

"Now Julie knew all about s.e.x and she knew that was impossible so she took the bet. He got down on top of her and away they went. "Ah ah" she said triumphantly. "I can feel you!"

"Oh well," he said grinning. "You win some, you lose some."

"Doctor, doctor, my d.i.c.k has turned yellow, what can I do?"

asked the worried young man.

"Well, that's extraordinary," replied the doctor. "Do you work with dyes or chemicals?"

"No, I'm unemployed."

"What do you do all day?"

"I just watch television and eat Quavers."

A nymphomaniac was walking home late at night when she was attacked and raped by a man who had been lying in wait.

When it was over he turned to her and said, "What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to run home and tell my flatmate I've been raped twice ... unless you're not tired yet," she replied.

It was the annual dance at the town hall and a couple were dancing very close together. After a while the girl whispered in his ear, "Why don't we go outside to the car?"

"Oh I don't know," he said. "I like dancing."

But the girl continued to coax him and eventually he agreed.

When they got outside it was pitch black so the man produced a torch from his pocket.

"Have you had that torch with you all night?" she asked.

"Yes," he said.

"Oh well, in that case let's go back to the dance."

A young girl travelling on a crowded train asked a man if she could have his seat because she was pregnant. The man immediately jumped up and the girl sat down. As the man looked at her he remarked, "You don't look pregnant, how far gone are you?"

"Oh, about 30 minutes," she replied "but it sure is knackering."

Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach when they come across a man sunbathing. He has no arms or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, "Have you ever been hugged?"

The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him a big hug. The second girl asks him if he has ever been kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and gives him a long lingering kiss. Then the third girl asks him if he has ever been f.u.c.ked.

"No, no," he stammers, his face lighting up in antic.i.p.ation.

"Well, you are now," she replies "the tide's coming in."

Looking through an open bedroom window one night, a Peeping Tom came upon a young couple playing a rather kinky game. Stark naked, they were sitting in opposite corners of the room, a bag of marbles besides the man, and a pile of hoops besides the woman. As he watched the woman threw a hoop and it landed on the man's erect p.e.n.i.s.

"Hooray!" she said "One to me".

Then the man rolled a marble straight between her legs and cheered "Now it's one all."

The next day the Peeping Tom's wife was going shopping and asked him if there was anything he needed.

"Yes," he replied with a secret grin on his face "A bag of sprouts and a packet of polo mints."

OFF TO WORK.

Johnny's time at the pickle factory didn't last long. He'd only been there a week when he came home looking very agitated.

"What's wrong?" asked his friend.

"I've got this terrible urge to put my w.i.l.l.y in the pickle slicer."

"Aagh! it'll all end in tears, you've got to overcome this feeling." Johnny promised he'd try but a couple of weeks later he came back looking well p.i.s.sed off.

"What's wrong, you didn't weaken and put your w.i.l.l.y in the pickle slicer."

"I did," replied Johnny, "and you were right, it did end in tears. I got the sack and the pickle slicer - she was fired too."

Johnny goes to work on a farm and is put in charge of the sheep. To his dismay he cannot get them to lamb so seeks advice from an old mate, brought up in country ways.

"Get your sheep in the tractor, take them up to the top of the moors at the dead of night and s.h.a.g them yourself," says the friend. "Then in the morning if they're lying down they'll be pregnant."

So that night Johnny does as he's been told, takes them up to the moors in his tractor and gives them all a good s.h.a.gging.

Next morning he looks out of his window but they're all standing up. So next day he tries again, takes them up the moors in his tractor, does the business, but the next morning they're still all standing up. The following night he goes through the routine again but the next morning he's woken up by a terrible noise.

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l," he curses, looking down into the farmyard.

The sheep are all sat in the tractor sounding the horn.

Johnny tried many different jobs in his younger days. One afternoon he went into the theatrical agent's.

"Yes?" said the agent. "What do you do?"

"Bird impressions," he replied.

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, not another one. Go on, get on with it," said the agent.

So Johnny flapped his wings, shat all over the agent's desk and jumped out of the window.

It was the young girl's first day in her new job as P.A. to the company director. Before she was called in to his room one of the other secretaries took her aside.

"I think I ought to warn you that your new boss is a right old randy devil. He'll rip your dress off at the first opportunity."

"Thanks for warning me," replied the girl. I'll remember to wear an old dress in future."

A young man was told to do the rounds with the old experienced salesman so that he would learn the tricks of the trade. Every time they arrived at a prospective customer, the young man noticed the salesman would always make the sign of the cross before going in - and then more often than not he would make a sale. At last he commented, "I didn't know you had to be a Catholic to do this job."

"I'm not," replied the salesman, "but never see a client before checking your gla.s.ses, your wallet, your pen and your flies."

The recruiting officer was giving a lecture on survival to an adult education cla.s.s at the local college. He laid out all the items from his knapsack including flares, water, chocolate, torch, map, warm clothing etc. plus a pack of cards.

"What are the cards for?" asked one bright spark.

"Ah ha," replied the officer. "Once you've tried all other means of survival, take your pack of cards and lay out a game of patience. You can lay odds that after a couple of minutes some b.u.g.g.e.r will come along and say black eight on the red nine!"

A flirty young farmer's daughter took her father's prize cows over to the neighbouring farm to be serviced by their bull.

The handsome farmhand brought in the bull and before long there was a flurry of activity.

"Cor, I wish I was doing that," said the farmhand feverishly.

"Well, it's alright by me," replied the girl, smiling coyly.

"Thanks," he said, "but maybe the cow wouldn't like it."

It was like a scene from Baywatch. Three girls were being interviewed for the job of lifeguard and each was asked the question: "What would you do if you saw someone fall off a boat?"

The first said she would race immediately into the water and swim out to rescue them.

The second said she would radio for a medical team to be waiting and then swim out to rescue them.

The third said she would get one of the other lifeguards to go out while she waited on sh.o.r.e for help.

Now which girl got the job?

Why! the one with big t.i.ts of course.