Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 15

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"

"No!" she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"

"No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.

The down and out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupts impatiently.

"Might I please have a word with George?"

Lips.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her v.a.g.i.n.a lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarra.s.sed and doesn't want anyone to find out.

The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me.

I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She a.s.sisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit.

He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Lemon Grove.

A Blonde woman applying for a job in a lemon grove seemed way too qualified.

"Have you any experience of picking lemons?" asked the Employer "Sure" says the Blonde. "I've been divorced three times."

Blonde police.

Another blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Hum... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Hum... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Hum... I don't know.

Officer: OK thanks for coming. Well be in touch tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Body Builders.

A body builder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite."

He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What ma.s.sive calves you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite."

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short your fuse was!"

Q: What do you call an egg that's stolen for under the gamekeeper's noise?

A: Poached.

Chinese food.

A guy is in his local Chinese restaurant, "He f.o.o.k Yu" with his girl friend.

You know says the girl friend, "Every time I come here I try to understand the menu.

But I've got to say it just Confucius me!"

Doctors orders.

A doctor is walking down the street when he notices an 85-year-old patient coming towards him with a very beautiful well-built young lady on his arm. The patient is looking the happiest that the Doc had ever seen him.

When the old guy notices the doctor he walks up to him and says, "Doc. I've taken your advice and look at me."

Puzzled, the doc asks, "What was the advice I gave you?"

"You told me to get a hot Mama and be very cheerful!"

"Oh no." says the Doc. " I told you that you'd got a heart murmur and to be very careful!"

The key to happiness.

A guy and his date are about to go into his apartment. Before he can open the door his girlfriend says, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by the way he unlocks the door."

"Interesting" says the guy, "Give me some examples."

"Well, if he shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and isn't for me. So how do you unlock your door?"

The guy thinks for a minute then says, "Well, before I do anything else could you link this key?"

Survey results.

A recent survey has determined that having s.e.x before any athletic activity, such as marathon running, does not impair performance.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After s.e.x, they glance at their watch and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

Quiz show host.

A guy goes on a quiz show and during the preamble the host asks him, "So John how would you describe yourself?"

"I'm a man of few words." John replies.

"Yeah, I'm married, too." Says the quiz host.

Cleaning.

An Ess.e.x girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his hand to his ear, "No it's NOT!" she replies. "It's mayonnaise."