Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 14

The fridge.

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist about her husband.

"Doc, My husband won't come to see you, but he has a real problem.

Almost every night he dreams that he's a refrigerator!"

"Hum", says the doc, "That is not really a problem. A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual."

"Well" says the woman "it's not just a problem for him it's a problem for me. He sleeps with his mouth open and the little light is keeping me awake!"

Toasties.

A Rabbit walks into a cafe and orders a toasted cheese sandwich.

As soon as it arrives he gobbles it down in a rush.

Next he then orders a toasted ham sandwich, again as soon as it arrives he gobbles it down.

After a few minutes the rabbit starts to look green, so the Waitress asks him, "Are you unwell?"

"Yes" replies the rabbit, "I thinks it's - Mixing me toasties!"

Q: What's the definition of a will?

A: You should know this! It's a dead giveaway.

Q: What does a poet do when he's walking backwards?

A: He writes inverse.

Q: Who wrote the health warning on a caviar jar?

A: The Sturgeon General. Gasonga Jokes February 2003

Order, Order!

Three women appear in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble in the apartment building where they live.

The women are arguing noisily in the court and after a few minutes the judge, bangs his hammer to quiet them down. "We are going to do this in an orderly manner." Says the Judge. " I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest lady first."

The case was dismissed due to lack of testimony.

Pa.s.sport photos.

Two Swedish sisters go to a photographer to get some pa.s.sport pictures taken.

Being from the country they are a little unsure about what's going to happen.

When the photographer he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks, "Vots he goink to do?"

"He's goink to focus!" replies her sister.

"O, Bot of us?"

Blind date.

After being with a girl all evening, the guy had decided he couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier in the evening, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on his mobile phone. So he'd have an excuse to leave if the date was not going well.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank G.o.d," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."

News Bulletin.

Two guys are having a beer at the local Pub.

"What's up mate? You look kind of down." Asks John.

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"O Yea, Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

Cowboy Boots.

A woman goes into a saloon and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest boots she's ever seen! So she walks over to him and asks, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"

The cowboy grins and says, "Sh.o.r.e is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

Excited by the prospect woman spends the night with the cowboy. The next morning she hands him a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "Thank you, ma'am. Am real flattered. n.o.body's ever paid me for my services before."

The woman replies, "Don't be flattered cowboy. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"

Singing in the shower.

Having lunch one day, a s.e.x therapist says to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of women m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e in the shower and only ten percent sing."

"Really" says the friend. "And do you know what song they sing?"

The therapist replies, "I didn't know."

"Hum, I thought so." Says the friend.

Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck!

Thoughts for the day.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

EROTIC is when you may use a feather to tickle and arouse your lover.

PERVERTED is when you use the whole chicken Two blondes walked into a building... you'd have thought at least one of them would have seen it!

Foot size.

Three Brothers, Tom, d.i.c.k and Harry, all have unusually large feet. Tom and Harry are both size 12, but d.i.c.k's are a whopping size 14. Tom and Harry decide to have a night on the town and whilst in a bar, notice a group of women looking over and laughing. Harry asks the group what they are laughing at and one of the women apologies, but says they can't get over the size of their feet. Harry laughs and tells the women "if you think these are big, you should see the size of our d.i.c.k's "

The George and Dragon.

A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane in England, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon." Although is late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.

The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window. "Could I have some food?" he asks.

The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"